Question for Tuffy Luv? Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m quite upset that I have to write to you again, but you gave such great advice last time that I would love hear from you again. I’m the short-skirted floozy who wrote to you about a month ago, and unfortunately, the situation has NOT improved. I’ve been following your advice – I wear my conservative clothes to her house, and even wear bike shorts under my dresses and skirts. I attend all the family functions to which I’m invited and spend quality time with the whole family when I’m at his house instead of hiding out in his room. We even made them dinner and dessert one night!

Recently, the boyfriend and I went on several weekend trips, which, given that he’s 19, shouldn’t be a huge deal. Momma wasn’t pleased with the idea, but she eventually gave in and let it go. We figured that maybe she was finally realizing that he’s growing up and away, like all children are supposed to. However, with back-to-school looming, the leash is getting shorter and shorter.

It all started the other night: His whole family was at a family friend’s house. Momma got a little tipsy and started spouting off about “bitches who steal sons away from their parents and never let them talk to them again.” She said she wished she had a daughter (she has two sons, BF is the older) because “a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he chooses a wife” and how “girlfriends never realize that it’s the mother who raised them and she just gets to reap the benefits.” This was all in front of me; I was sitting right next to her at the table. It all seemed quite pointed, given that I’m BF’s first girlfriend and his younger brother has yet to have one.

Just today, Boyfriend let her know that he was going to the mall with me to pick out some new clothes for school. She began to make an issue out of how the clothes we buy together never seem to fit him. The only clothes we have ever bought together are a pair of nice khaki Dockers that are, as far as I can tell, the best fitting pants he has. Then she went on about how I spend money carelessly and make him spend more that he should. His father asked him why he couldn’t just go shopping with his mother, and he responded by asking why he couldn’t just go with me. His dad said “Because your mother is paying” and BF responded “Well, then I can just pay.” He told them we had dinner plans and he had to leave. When we got back tonight, he told her he didn’t buy anything, just tried things on, because we could get better discounts online. She asked where he was buying from, and he told her American Eagle. She’s strictly a Kohl’s/Walmart person. She rolled her eyes and said something about how it was too expensive, especially with shipping. I let her know that they had a  promotion where if you spent $75+ you got free shipping, that the clothes were buy 1 get 1 half off, and we had a 20% off coupon on top of it. She just responded “And what can you get for $75 from there? Jean and a T-shirt? I want to see these clothes before you order them.” (Yes, really.)

Honestly, in the past few weeks she’s gotten even more overbearing and possessive, referring to him as “my son” constantly. We head back to college on Friday, and I’m counting the minutes. I just don’t know what to do about her anymore? He’s going to be 20 in a month, and she’s only pushing him away and making his frustrated with all the babying she’s doing. Is there any way I can tell her that she’s pushing him away without risking even more of her ire?

XOXO,
Son Thief

Dear Son Thief (aka Short Skirted Floozy),

Teehee. Flattery will get you everywhere.

But before I address your question, I’mma say two quick things to all you readas out there:

(1) A lot of you send me questions and then say “please don’t post this” or “please respond to me on email.” I don’t do that. I either answer your question in this column or not at all. Sorry.

(2) I LOVE hearing from you kidsos a second time!!! I’m psyched to hear from Shirt Skirted Floozy again. Aunt Tuffy gets such a lil’ ol’ kick out of hearing the follow-up. So write a second time! I velcome it!

Okay, now onto your question, Son Thief.

This woman is OUT. OF. CONTROL. She is completely possessive and demented. It’s getting to be like a TV drama. She has got to calm down.

Tuffy’s guess is that, frankly, she just doesn’t like you and she’s never going to. Sorry. This is not a reflection on you AT ALL–try to remember that! She just cannot let go of her son. It’s like some crazypsychosexual thing. It’s like a Tennessee Williams play up in here.

And look. Loop knows I love a good American Family Drama. But this shoop?! Not okay.

You’re going back to college with him soon, yes? He won’t be living in his mother’s house? GREAT. I change my advice from before. Being more conservative obviously will not work with this woman. I still say that you should NEVER say anything bad to him about his mother.

But now I also say:

AVOID AVOID AVOID

Keep the SHOOP outta her way. She is NOT good to mess with. While you’re in college, forget about her. And when summer comes, plan to stay as far away from her as possible. Don’t hang out at her house. Don’t go on family dinners. And when your presence is absolutely necessary (say, a holiday or birthday party or something like that), just continue to be sweet as punch to her.

As for the whole clothes thing–SO not worth arguing about. What the floop does it matter?! If your boyfriend is paying, it’s not her decision–but it’s also not yours. If he wants to buy the clothes, you butt out and let him explain it to Mommy. And don’t go around making fun of her bad taste; that will win you NO points with her or your boyfriend OR karma.

You will not win with this woman. Call it a tie and get thee to college.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Dear Tuffy Love,
I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about a year and a half now. His mom and I have had a good, but sometimes strained, relationship. She has some resentment towards me for “taking her baby away”; you know, the usual mom-problems.

Yesterday, my boyfriend’s dad pulled him aside and said he noticed that I sometimes wear “very short skirts” and asked my boyfriend “what his opinion on it was.” My boyfriend told him that he hadn’t noticed and didn’t have an opinion. He asked his dad why he was asking and his dad said that he didn’t notice but his mother had said something about it.

While I do dress stylishly, I never dress inappropriately. Besides that fact, it’s summer. It’s 80-90 degrees out. Really? Even then, I’m not one to show off my junk like that, and I always make sure my skirts cover me appropriately. Besides that, the few times I have worn skirts that wouldn’t exactly be appropriate for church, I always balance them with a cardigan or more conservative top. They aren’t a religious family or even very conservative, so I don’t know what gives.

Is it just that his mom is jealous? She’s a pretty big woman and wears almost exclusively Walmart clothes (not very flattering or stylish), and she used to have a nice body. Is she just upset that I dress nicely and she can’t wear short skirts anymore (she’s in her fifties)?

I don’t really know how to handle this situation, but I feel really insulted. Besides that, I feel really embarrassed. I’m always careful with what I wear and I can’t even imagine offending anyone with how I dress. Is it just that no one is going to be good enough for her baby, or is this something I should really be worried about?

Help me please!

Love,
The Short-skirted Floozy

Dear The Short-skirted Floozy,

Oh no she didn’t!!

Well, welcome to the Pre-Mother-In-Law-Hell that is long-term dating. Tuffy’s lil’ ol’ guess is that she’s being overbearing and, no matter what you wear, she’s gonna find a way to call it slutty.

That said, you want to approach this carefully. After all, this is the woman who sent your boyfriend through the slip-n-slide we call “the birth canal” and out into the world. Do you really want her to hate you?

Answer: NO! Because, like it or not, if she hates you, he hates you.

Sorry. Men love their mothers. It’s actually quite a nice quality. But if you start acting as bootchy to her as she is bootchy to you, well, inevitably, he will end up on her side. I absolutely promise you that.

So what’s a short-skirted gal to do? Well, this:

NEVER WEAR A SHORT SKIRT AROUND HIS MOTHER AGAIN. I am so not kidding. I know it sounds like you’re letting her win, but, ah, no, there’s where you’re mistaken! You see, girl, Tuffy Luv once had a pre-mother-in-law like this. And lil’ ol’ Tuffy wants to see you win. For REAL real.

So what you do, see, is that you look absolutely perfect and absolutely conservative every single time there’s any chance you might see her. You button up that shirt, girl! You make sure that skirt hits you at the knee! And you smiiiiiiiiile like an angel every single time she speaks. Because you are going to be The Perfect Girlfriend For Her Son.

You are going to be so beautiful and conservative and kind that every mother will poop her pants wishing you were dating her son. You will bring cookies to their house “just because.” You will listen attentively to their Old People Stories. You will be kind and gracious. And, furthermore, you will often ask your boyfriend, “How is your mother doing?” Because he, too, must know that you are the one who is in the right. NEVER speak bad of his mother. When she speaks badly of you, he will feel all the more loyal to you and your kind, sweet ways and NOT to the vicious woman who is attacking you.

And then, then when you are an absolute angel to her and you look more gorgeously conservative than floopin Grace Kelly, then when she complains about some made-up thing that you’re obviously not doing, everyone will be ON YOUR SIDE.

And, you know, when she’s not around, skank it up. You gotta keep the boyfriend interested, you know.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

My boyfriend and I met at college and graduated together a month ago. He has been fortunate enough to be gainfully employed for the last two weeks, and I’m still on the search myself (wink wink employers – I’m a writer) for something in New York City. And while I’m waiting for everything to magically fall into place with a job and a move to the city where Alicia Keys says there’s nothing I can’t do, there’s a lot I can’t do while I’m crashing at my BF’s parent’s house… in lovely New Jersey, seeing as how the homeless haven’t been welcome in NYC for quite some time.

Now don’t get me wrong, his parents are extremely generous, kind, loving people who treat me as one of their own, which, let’s be honest, would make me my boyfriend’s sister.  If that’s not weird enough, he’s an only child. Just imagine the attachment when a stay-at-home mom has her only child back in the house after a four-year hiatus. It’s borderline Oedipus-creepy.

From my perspective, it’s a mood-kill to say the least. Coming from our own apartment and having lived together for a couple years, it’s not easy having to share our relationship with his parents all of a sudden. And while the temporarily living situation does have its bonuses (they buy us food and have a dishwasher!) I can’t get over that when my boyfriend walks in the door from a long day of work, it’s a race to see who gets out the first “Hi honey!”

Then there’s the 12 hours a day that he’s gone between work and his commute, and his dad’s off at work too, leaving just the ladies at home. I can’t just hide out upstairs in his room all day, so me and momma chat, and what more do we have in common besides that special man in our lives? And when did the discussions about our future suddenly involve his entire family? Where he’s going to work, when we’re going to move out, or, as his mom likes to believe, “if” we’re going to move.

For me, it’s one thing to have dinner with your boyfriend’s parents once in a while and dress up all nice and be on your best behavior to make that good impression, but when you live with them, there’s no time for that. They see me when I wake up (it isn’t pretty), they hear us bicker, and I’m awfully paranoid that they can hear the bed banging against the wall that goes straight to their room downstairs. And lets just say that the old race car posters and childhood toys aren’t exactly a turn-on.

I’m so grateful that they’ve opened their arms and their home to me, and I love them like they were my own parents, but I don’t know how much more I can take of having my skin crawl from morning ‘til insecure bed-banging night.

Have you ever lived with a boyfriend’s parents? What kind of toll did it take on your relationship? Give me some advice on how to deal!

Yeah, it's cute back then, but what about when that kid is 18? Still cute?

Okay, so we all know the mantra you can tell how a guy will treat you by the way he treats his mom. Does he take care of her? Open doors for her? Help out around the house? Check, check aaaand check – you have husband material on your hands.

But last night while I was studying and making snowflake chains (I wish I was kidding…I’m desperate for some holiday cheer over here), I happened to flip on the season finale of Top Chef (no, I haven’t watched one episode this season but I still couldn’t look away) and witness a level of motherly love that I’m just not sure I’m comfortable with.

That’s right, I’m talking a fully grown and bearded man going in for a full contact, lip on lip kiss. With his mama.

WTF?! Since when is this socially acceptable? It’s cute when a 2-year-old smooches his mother’s lips, but a grown man planting a wet one on his mom’s mouth is more than I can handle. And I’m convinced this is why Chef Kevin wasn’t named Top Chef; no matter how good his food is, no one has an appetite after witnessing that display.

The whole thing got me thinking (while the other two chefs’ food got my stomach growling): How close it too close? And at what point does a guy’s relationship with his mom send you running for the hills? I don’t know about you, but  I’m just not comfortable walking into Christmas dinner with my boyfriend and having him smooch his mom as we enter.

What do you guys think? Is it no big deal or are you totally skeeved out?

Fact is we connect to others by learning about them. And everyone has something to share (even if it is a story about that one time they had a little accident at Burger King…)

So to give you yet another reason to procrastinate, we started ‘The Five Questions We Ask Everyone’ (and 5 we ask just them) because we know whether we’re schmoozing with an A- list celeb or your local bartender, you’ll be equally entertained.

CC: What is the most trouble you’ve ever gotten into?

Brody: The most trouble I’ve ever gotten into was probably when I got a D.U.I., and that was when I was 17 years old. But it was the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me because I learned an incredible lesson from it. I had two friends with me when I got it, and, you know, obviously the best thing that could happen out of that situation was to get a D.U.I. and not injure my friends.

CC:    What are five things you can’t live without?

Brody:    Well, my car and a place to live. Friends; like really good, honest, and truthful friends. You need to have them to bring you back down to earth and slap you around a little bit. I’m a big momma’s boy, so definitely my mom.  And I can’t live without not being able to get away.  If I was just stuck in L.A. and I couldn’t leave, I would go crazy.

CC:    What is your personal motto or something that you live by?

Brody:    My saying is always, “Don’t take yourself too serious, because the moment you do, other people don’t.”  So I live by that. I love joking around, as you can see on Bromance.

CC:    What is your favorite song to belt out to?

Brody:    Honestly, I like all types of music.  I would say, back in the day, the one I that I can think about that I just loved to sing and dance to with all my homies at the club was “Ay Bay Bay.”  I loved that for some reason.  We loved that song.

CC:    Pretty easy to sing to.

Brody:    Yeah, exactly.  The girls would walk by and we’d be like, “Ay bay bay, ay bay bay.” It was a lot of fun, that one.

CC:    Ten years from now, where do you see yourself?

Brody:    You know, obviously I’m really enjoying what I’m doing right now, which is producing television shows, being on camera.  So in ten years, I still wanna be doing what I’m doing, which is making my own money, paying my own bills, however I can do it. I hope that I’m healthy, and happy, and have kids by then.

CC:    So, what was the reasoning behind doing Bromance?  Was it to get people to look at you differently, or was it just to have some fun?

Brody:    I really wanted to do the show for a couple reasons.  One, for people to get a little more about me and about who I am, and kind of see that I love to poke fun of myself and joke around and I’m not Mr. Serious or Mr. Relationship Guy on The Hills. When I heard the name, “Bromance,” I [was] like, “Oh jeez, everyone’s gonna think I’m gay,” you know what I mean?  But you know what: that’s [the other] reason why I did the show.  Because I thought, “You know what?  What’s the problem?  Why is that gay?”  It made me just question myself and everybody else as to WHY do we think that’s gay? I know I’m not gay, you know what I mean? I have a beautiful girlfriend. <Sounds of CC’s heart shattering.>

CC: Yeah there are a lot of Bromance haters out there. What do you want to say to them?

Brody: So many people watch the show and they’re like, “Man, that’s gay! What you’re doing is gay!” And it makes me just look at them and be like, “You’re an idiot. Obviously, you don’t know the definition of gay.”  Because that’s not gay.  All it is, is having somebody you share everything with, and that you feel comfortable crying in front of.  If anything, I think it’s very masculine to be able to do that.  To be able to [differentiate between] the two and know that it’s not gay to hug a guy.

CC:    Why is this show more ‘you’ than The Hills?

Brody:    Because, to be really honest, I love The Hills and I love all the cast and everybody on it, but I just didn’t feel like they ever got our side of the story. They never followed the guys.  Every time I filmed, it was in a nightclub, or talking to Lauren about Justin-Bobby and Audrina, or something on that level, and I was just kind of tired of it.  I wanted to see something more, and something funny.  I wanted people to laugh.  And I wasn’t feeling like that was happening. I feel like they were focusing so much on drama, and I’m not that dramatic of a person.

CC:     Before you were an MTV star you spent some time at CU Boulder. What was that like?

Brody:    I didn’t like it.  I went there because I wanted to do the college thing, but when I got there, I lived in a dorm, and I had to take a whole bunch of core curriculum classes.  I thought college was about learning about things that I wanted to learn about, but I couldn’t because the first two years you have to take this core curriculum classes, and it was all the same B.S.  It was all the English and the History, things in American culture that I didn’t give two sh*ts about.  That wasn’t gonna help.  All that was gonna do was just waste my time until I was 21 years old and I had no clue what to do with my life and I would’ve left college and been like, “Hmm, now I learned all these things about American culture and stuff, how am I going to relate this to my life?”

CC:    I can see that; college isn’t for everybody. But dating is! What do you look for in a lady? Someone with a reality show?

Brody:    There’s no true guideline.  It’s obviously someone that you just get along with.  From my experience, what I look for is somebody that really understands and gets me and understands that I joke around and I may say some things that a lot of girls may not be able to take.  Somebody that just knows how to be understanding, somebody that’s faithful to you, trusts you—trust is a big thing—somebody that doesn’t get jealous, that’s very confident, that’s not always going, “What are you doing? Who’s that on your phone?”

CC: (To herself) I am confident, understanding and trusting…

I know, I know, there is no such thing as the “perfect” guy (so says my mother) but there is nothing wrong with having a list of qualities (doesn’t pick his nose, even when I am not looking, will rub my shoulders at the snap of my fingers) that I want in a potential boyfriend right? Right.

But after reading this article in the NYT, I have started to realize that while focusing so much on the type of guy I DO want (Has Jake Gyllenhaal broken up with Reese yet?!) perhaps I haven’t realized that there are certain types I DON’T. Things that maybe weren’t even a blip on my guy-dar and if not heeded could end up blowing up in my face.

So here it is ladies: The Guys Not Worth Taking, Dating, Marrying and the like:

Never date a dude who has no friends. At first, this rule seems a bit odd- if he has no friends, he will be close to me and only me! How wonderfully fantastic!! That is until you realize… no friends means the guy is unable to be intimate or close to anyone… yes, even you.

Besides, that means you will always feel guilty leaving him alone and friendless on a girls night out.

Never date a mama’s boy. I can tell you from friends’ experiences that these are the boys are the WORST. Sure, you want someone close to his family. But someone who needs to call his mother to consult where you should go for dinner? Or what shirt he should wear to the basketball game? Never a good sign. Ever. Ditch the dude who is constantly consulting his mother over you. There is a fine line between close and creepy (and pathetic. And annoying. Oh and did I say pathetic?)

Never date a guy who lets you make all the decisions, allll the time. You want someone who will sometimes counter your opinions and demands. But not all. “It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your boyfriend”

Never date a guy with no sense of humor. Let’s face it; (sadly) not every guy you meet makes you pee in your pants at dinner (literally) from laughing so hard. But someone who can never laugh at himself if he falls? Or make a joke? Or find humor in a situation? Or laugh at Family Guy?! Not only is that a boring relationship- but it will make it a brutal one. Who wants to date a Debbie Downer allll the time. No. Thank. You.

Never start dating a guy thinking you can change him. Been there, done that. Don’t think that all he needs to do is fall head over heels in love with you and then he will change his hard partying ways, will become overly romantic, stop smoking pot every night with his buddies or stop flirting with other girls when he’s drunk. People remain the same the majority of the time and you are just setting yourself up for headaches and heartbreak if you think and hope otherwise.

Never date a guy who is 1000% your opposite. Sure we all know that Paula Adbul believes that “Opposites Attract” but lets face it, our dear Paula is going through yet another breakup (not to mention the video features her dancing with a cartoon cat… hmmm.) I’m not saying to date your clone- opposites can be good, but, like splurging on a diet- the key is in moderation. (ex: I blast Backstreet Boys and he wants Phish.) In general- take a good look at his character, are his goals, morals, values and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? Does he have the character traits that you think make him a guy of quality? Traits that are important to you and that you believe you have as well? If you are patient, willing to forgive and easy going and he is anal, blows up every time he’s angry and holds grudges- you may find yourself quickly not-so-attracted to all his opposites.

So there you have it- the guys not worth your while. So, add that up with the list of the guy you do want and well, some may say you’re being picky- I think particular sounds better. And fancier. And really, if people (your mother) calls you particular- pay no attention…After all, you deserve the best right? Right.