Question?! TOO BAD. No, only kidding. Mostly. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m suffering from heartbreak. My boyfriend is leaving me. Sort of. But only after I left him. Sort of…

Here is my situation: I have the much coveted/dreaded position of broke but oh so sexy older musician’s girlfriend. (He’s 26, I’m 20). My man is a drummer, and a very talented one at that. Before I met him, he toured with a band for a few months around Europe. When I started dating him a year and a half ago, he was (and still is) in a local garage band with a couple friends, playing local shows recording a demo, and not really going anywhere besides that. In other words, he was always broke from spending money on music (which is totally fine), always in and out of jobs and musical prospects, and most importantly, always available to spend time with me!

Fast forward into a year of our relationship and I got into an amazing absolutely time/life-sucking nursing program 7 hours away from where I was living. With my boyfriend’s 100% support, I moved, and since then we’ve been in a very successful long distance relationship for the past 6 months. But it hasn’t been without its difficulties. When I first moved, I was all by myself in a completely new city without my man or any of my girl friends and I couldn’t stop bawling everyday for the first week. (Which was bizarre for me because I am definitely not a crier!) By now I’ve gotten used to not seeing him, but man.. that first week was so bad. And I still get really depressed about only seeing him for 48 hours at a time once a month.

The thing is, we are both extremely supportive of each other when opportunities pop up. I went to Germany to visit my mom (who was military deployed) instead of spending Christmas/New Years with my man, and he didn’t once make me feel bad. We make trips to see each other about every 3 weeks, which is more difficult for me since I have more time constraints, and he never complains. And at the start of this year, he auditioned (and is now playing) for another band where he would get paid to tour with them a couple months at a time, and he told me the times that he wasn’t touring, he wanted to move in with me! Which I was totally ecstatic about, since it would be a good trial run of living together all the
time. But then….of course… another freaking opportunity popped up with another freaking (even more famous/successful) band, except this time, he would be touring (and leaving me!) for an entire year, country hopping, playing awesome festivals, getting paid, partying every night, making memories, meeting people, and most importantly, not being with me on a Saturday night loving me, making me dinner, taking me out, etc etc.

I’m so excited for him, I want him to go, I would go if anything ever popped up like this for me. In fact, I may even get to see him for a month during the summer. But I don’t want to be sitting alone in my apartment with my cats for months at a time crying my eyes out wondering what Brazillian or European girls are making googly eyes at him. And since I’m still fairly newish to the area I moved to for school, I don’t have any really close girl friends to call up on the weekends asking if they want to eat pints of Ben and Jerry’s with me.

I love him so so much, and although this email doesn’t sound like it, I actually am an independent, strong woman, but I still have my needs. It sucks only having real intimacy once a month, and to go from my man potentially moving in part time to leaving for an entire year spelunking across the world scares me. Our lives are pulling in opposite directions more and more and I’m beginning to feel left behind, as I’m sure he felt when I first moved away.. I need help coping, maybe I need a therapist, ugh. I need my man in my life.

Sincerely,
Musician’s Girlfriend

Dear Musician’s Girlfriend,

I love you. And here is why.

You ARE independent. You’re living your dream, and you’re doing it in a totally brave way. You’re going for it. And not only are you independent, but, even more importantly, you LOVE someone. I mean actually LOVE them.

Listen up, kiddos. Tuffy gets a lot of letters from people saying they love someone, only to go on and on about how the person ONLY to talk about THEMSELVES. What I like about you, Musician’s Girlfriend, is that you actually LOVE him, which means you actually WANT WHAT’S BEST FOR HIM.

That’s love, kids.

Okay, so that’s why I’ve picked your question this week, girl, because I think you two have actually got a shot.

Tuffy Luv hates long distance. Right? I think I’ve, uh, made that fairly clear.

But, in this case, I think you two might actually be able to make this work. Oh sure, you’re young, he’s in an unstable career (Aunt Tuffy’s in the arts. She know how it be.). But when two people really love each other like you two do–hell, you’ve gotta take the chance.

Now don’t go thinking Tuffy Luv has gone all softie or some shoop. Look, here are the reasons:

(1) You guys have already successfully done some long distance. So you have a structure set up already, yes?

(2) You seem to trust each other. Unless you  just didn’t mention it, no one has any suspicions of cheating or any desire to cheat.

(3) You guys are both having success independent of each other. This is great!!! No reasons to fight. Everyone’s successful. Everyone’s cheerful.

What you DO gotta do, however, is make some friends. Because, yes, you’re right, it’s gonna be a lonely year.

So my advice to you is this:

-Keep the guy.

-Make some friends. Also, getting a pet is not a bad idea, if you think you can give it enough attention and time.

-Set a schedule with the guy where you ALWAYS talk at a certain time, as close to every day as you can get.

-Plan to spend specific dates together and stick to it no matter what.

And, girl, I wish you every little bit of luck.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

“But what about a man’s scrotum?!” you ask. Well, now they have that too.

Ladies and (especially) gentlemen, I present to you: Man Junk.

I know what you are thinking (“Oh what a glorious day! Hallelujah! Finally, no more sweaty stench!”), and I am right there with you.

There have been products on the market to keep women so fresh and so clean (clean) for years, so it is only fair that a product was developed to do the same for men. I mean, men are constantly complaining about what goes on downtown on a woman, but they have no clue what we are dealing with in their nether regions.

Mainly: the scent.

According to the Man Junk website, normal male body soaps are not strong enough to mask the Eau de Scrotum of a man (Editor’s Note: Don’t I know it! Daaaamn.), so some super smart guys got together to create this organic body wash focused on this one main zone. Which makes things much more pleasant… for everyone.

This sounds like a dream come true…if our boys would actually go out and purchase it. Which I imagine they would do right after they offer to pick up our tampons. Read: never. Most guys would die before they would let on to anyone that their scrotum may possibly stink. Hell, most guys won’t even entertain that thought for themselves! So, that means that it is up to us, ladies, to make the Man Junk purchase….or withhold on the trips downtown until the boys do.

Whoever picks up this product, I think we all owe the people behind Man Junk a giant “OMGThankYouSoMuch!“

So, thank you, makers of Man Junk. We, the women of CollegeCandy, salute you.

Remember that crazy, desperate college grad student from Sacramento who tried to sell her virginity to pay for her student loans (I guess working and saving is just not as profitable)?

Well, looks like she inspired someone because after Johnny No Name blew away the severance pay he was offered when he was let go from his investment banking firm position, he decided to move on to selling his gay virginity online — because whoring yourself out is the must have job of the year.

What is gay virginity, anyway? According to him, it’s a hand job and/or blow job, but absolutely no anal (at least not part of this specific deal), because he’s not gay. Sure, keep telling yourself that.

The real comedy comes when he swears to the bidders he is “HOT” and looks like Adam Brody. Well Johnny, if you’re so “HOT,” maybe you should try to model your way out of debt instead of selling a hand and blow job.

…Just a suggestion.

It may or may not shock you, but where there is one desperate person there is of course a few more; currently Johnny No Name has a high bid of $11,000.

You gotta loves those brothels in Nevada and Rhode Island, thanks to them this is all perfectly legal. I wonder if Mr. No Name’s plane ticket from New York to Nevada is included in the bid?

This is just another piece of evidence that shows how far people will go for money and sex. Would you sell your body to pay off thousands of dollars of student loans?

Just last week, a coworker exclaimed, “Kathryn, you have no game. Your entire approach is off!” Yes, this is true. But somehow, I still get some action, which is why she followed her (rather harsh) declaration with the question, “How do you do it?”

Still, no matter how many times I’ve immediately wished I could retract the bizarre statement that just came out of my mouth, I’ve also been with, or had friends who have been with, equally hopeless guys.

Reviewing my own traumatic events, as well as some of my friends’ bizarre sexual encounters, I’ve compiled a list of some of the worst things to say during sex. Because I’m a woman, they are written from a female perspective, but each of these can be just as cringe-worthy coming from a guy.

1. “Ohhhh, Michael… I mean… Dan?”

Make sure you know the name of the person you’re inviting past the pearly gates. Calling someone by another name will at once crush your partner’s ego and make you look sleazy. Once, I was hooking up with a guy and he proceeded to pour out his feelings for another girl… and try to get my advice on how to go about courting her. That really sucked, and he was pissed when I cut our session short.

2. “Why does your penis curve like that?”

There’s a variety of awkward comments that can damage a guy’s self esteem. Talking about size, shape, or “unique” sexual patterns can make him feel on edge. It goes for women, too. If you’re on top, do you want him to comment on the way your breasts jiggle in his face? No. During sex, both parties should feel sexy. Even if you like way his penis curves because it hits your G-spot just right, you shouldn’t ask why his genetic attributes are different than anyone else’s that you’ve ever been with. Asking “why” can easily be taken the wrong way. Instead, try a more positive approach, and encourage his tactics. Being vocal is a great way for both of you to get the most pleasure from your sexual experience, but try to use a more optimistic choice of words.

3. “So, how do you think you did on the Econ exam?”

Safe, casual sex is common among many college students. I know plenty of people who have had friends with benefits, no strings attached. You don’t have to fake it and scream expletives or pledge your love to someone if you’re not really that ecstatic. But you still don’t want sex to get so casual that you’re typing a take-home exam on your laptop while he’s doing you doggy style.

4. “I totally thought my cheating ex gave me something, but I got it checked out.”

The STD-talk is smart. But you should have that conversation before the condom even comes out. Saying, “I’ve been tested, but we should still use protection” is hot. Waiting until he’s thrusting away to bring up a past scare or an ounce of current doubt is not. Besides, leave any emotional baggage your ex left you with at the door. Your partner doesn’t want to know you’re thinking about someone else (especially an ex), and he definitely doesn’t want to waste the rest of your tryst with visions of penicillin dancing in his head.

5. “Did we use a condom?”

Guys taking advantage of drunk girls is very serious. On the other hand, if you got a little too drunk to use your best judgment, he might not have known. If you threw yourself at him and then admit it was just the liquor talking– ouch. Furthermore, if you can’t remember to insist on using protection, you shouldn’t be having sex. Period. Asking if he was responsible enough to watch out for you suggests that you might have been with other guys who weren’t so nice, and, like #4, make him worry about where you’ve been. There were a couple of times that I got a little out of control with my boyfriend, and the night was–to put it nicely–a blur. Of course, I didn’t want to let on that I didn’t remember the best sex he thought he’d ever given me, so I bit my tongue on that one.

Even if you are guilty of uttering one or more of the above, it’s not the end of the world. You can still learn from your mistakes and polish your game. Besides, I’d much rather make a verbal faux-pas than a physical one. Like if the answer to #5 is “No, we didn’t use a condom, were we supposed to?”

Anybody else have any Tourettes encounters in the sack?

Sometimes, the best things in life come unexpectedly. Like that time you ran into a store “just to browse” and you found a rockin pair of jeans for super cheap. Or when you got randomly paired up with your roommate and now you can’t imagine how you lived the last 20 years without her- you swear you must have been separated at birth.

This got us thinking – that perhaps, the best MEN in life also come unexpectedly… not only is timing everything, but apparently so is location. So we’ve put together the 5 most unlikely places to meet a man. Try them out or try out an unlikely place of you very own…

The 5 Most Unlikely Places to Meet a Man

Fro-Yo Shop: Usually these places are jam packed with annoyingly chatty, trendy, dieting chicks. But on the rare occasion you find the cute guy whose sister/ex-girlfriend/mom convinced him to try it and now he’s hooked. Hook- Line and Sinker that is.

Massive Sale: I have to say I was AMAZED by the number of HOT men at the Nordstrom Anniversary sale last week. Men like to shop too, ladies. And no that doesn’t mean they are gay! What it does mean is that they will be happy to accompany you on a trip to the mall! Can you say Keeper?!

Hair Salon: Fact is our boys need hair cuts too…. Meeting one while your hair is wrapped in foils that make you look like you are channeling outer space? Always Special. But if you are confident to talk to him looking like that, chances are he is going to appreciate the gesture and ask you out.

New Kids on the Block (or other pop-star) Concert: Sure you are chomping at the bit to get your hands on tickets to see your heart throbs back in concert- but while you were 7 screaming about the Right Stuff, our male counterparts were playing with Ninja Turtles and GI Joe’s. But you never know; there are always the guys who are forced to go for work or who work for the band… or who are IN the band.

Yoga Class: There is nothing like being in a Downward Dog peering at a HOT guy with no shirt on from between your legs. Just what you needed to get you through your workout (and coming back all week). Now you get to stare at his ass all class long. I will Namaste to that. Best. Day. Ever.

[Photo courtesy of NYTimes.com]

There, I said it, and I’m only a little embarrassed about it. I just returned from a two-week sojourn to Berlin and Florence, and the single most amazing thing I saw (and have perhaps ever seen) is Michelangelo’s sculpture of David.

Nothing has ever, ever made me want to get with somebody so much.

Until you see the sculpture in person, it’s easy to pass it off as a commodity. No picture can do it justice, and it’s hard to understand just how incredible it is without seeing it for yourself. The main thought going through my mind as I stood there looking at it, though, was, “Holy cow. How the hell could Michelangelo sculpt a man as anatomically gorgeous as this one? He must have used himself as a model, because the details are just too precise. Michelangelo must have been freaking hot!”

This might seem ridiculous, but trust me, it’s not. There are details on David that pictures just don’t show. The veins in the arms, the just-so rippling of the hip and thigh muscles, the soft framing of the bone structure in the hands…it’s all there, and I am convinced that no artist could ever create that kind of detail without using a reference. And when you’re sculpting a nude that’s the same sex as you are, the easiest reference to use is yourself.

Conclusion: Michelangelo must have been ripped.

In doing a little research about him, some sources such as Gay Heroes and The Raw Story provide persuasive evidence that he was gay, although Wikipedia suggests that he fell in love with a woman later in life. Though I wouldn’t really feel comfortable saying “it’s a shame that Michelangelo was gay,” there is a part of me that wishes I could zap myself back to the early 16th century and court him.

Until time travel is perfected, though, I guess I’ll just have to settle for staring at deeply inadequate pictures of the David and sighing poetically to myself.

Chivalry is not dead. It’s alive and well—or, at least alive.Since moving to New York, I have come across varying degrees of gallantry. Some is well intentioned and friendly; while some has a faded, slightly sour quality. Some acts of chivalry are carried out with genuine kindness, and some are done because the guy can’t bare the thought of letting a woman exert any kind of power.

How do you know what level of chivalry you’re getting on a daily basis? Read on.

LEVEL 1: On this, the brightest and friendliest level, the guy is being polite and helpful because he wants to be. Opening a door for you, standing up so you can take his seat on the subway, giving you room to pass on the sidewalk, all of these things are done with a smile and a pleasant glance. This guy’s mama taught him well, and it’s no trouble at all for him to show women that he holds them in high esteem.

Although it’s rare, this level does indeed exist, and I recommend immediately inquiring if such a polite lad has a partner, and if finding him to be single, snatching him up as quick as possible.

LEVEL 2: The majority of guys circulate around this level. If you both happen to reach the door at the same time, he’ll let you go through. He’s not watching out for you on the sidewalk, but if you both happen to play the “which-way-am-I-going? game”, he’ll be the first one to shift definitively to one side. If you’re weighed down with packages on the bus, he may or may not move for you, depending on his mood.

Just expecting a guy to open doors and throw his coat down on mud for you isn’t the best way to go through life, and dudes in this level agree with that, dispensing their chivalry on a constant basis mostly for girlfriends only. Then again, catch a Level 2 on a good day and you’ll be presently surprised by their gentlemanly deeds.

LEVEL 3: These guys are chivalrous because they feel like they have to be. They’re not happy about opening doors for you, but they’ll do it, provided you move your ass through nice and fast. Begrudgingly standing when you walk by on the train, sighing heavily when they move over on the stairs, these guys want you to know that being chivalrous is a total chore—but they’re nice so they DO IT.

Don’t even try to hold the door for a Level 3. They hold it for you, damnit! Dissing their masculinity by trying to be nice is totally NOT cool. GOD. YOU WOMEN NEVER APPRECIATE ANYTHING!

LEVEL 4: Is reserved for douchebags and chauvinists. They’re just as likely to elbow you in the face as they are to help carry your groceries. Usually, their kind of chivalry is reserved for drunk girls who would have followed them home anyway…and for seducing the boss’s wife.