Not all of them, though. Some annoying campus dwellers will be there. Always. Forever. And never go away.

Who am I talking about? Why, the  Frat House Groupie, of course!

Now, there are many girls who may seem to fall into this category that should not. These are:

1) Members of a sister sorority. It’s super common to see certain fraternities pairing up with certain sororities on campus; their bylaws/campus rules/international standards of fraternizing require that they have to make nice with the girlies and co-host events together.  Whatev.  Point is, if you’re hanging at the house one Friday night because they’re having an awesome 70s themed costume party and you see the typical group of sorority girls, those are the least of your worries.

2) Girlfriends or ex girlfriends of frat boys: These girls are expected to be there. After all, they aren’t just trolling the crowd looking for booty; this is their man’s house. Or their ex man. And they are still friends with all the boys. Read: they know people.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s move into the girls you should be wary of. There are generally two types of Frat House Groupies:

1. The Slutty One: She is the first one at the party and the last one to leave. She’ll be dancing on a table wearing the shiny, super tight tube top that she doesn’t have the body for. On top of that, she’ll be wearing jeans or pants that are usually at least one size too small so that she looks like a stumbling, slurring Muffin Top.  She also tends to wear heels that might be better suited for a scantily clad woman dancing around a pole in a dark corner of a strip club.  She makes a habit of staying up half the night playing beer pong, but doesn’t bother to cover those dark circles under her eyes in the afternoon when she finally rolls out of bed. Those are her battle scars and she wants everyone to ask about her night.  Her most annoying attribute is that she thinks she’s hot stuff and that every guy in the house would die to get with her, when in reality she couldn’t get into a photoshoot for STD awareness.

She’s hangs at the house constantly, trying to get laid, or establish her “place” there.  She thrives on the idea of being part of the inner frat circle, when she is really just a (slutty) puppy dog following the brothers around. Or passing out on one of their dirty, beer-soaked couches.

2. The Guys’ Girl: The other groupie is the exact opposite.  Her uniform includes way more conservative dress.  She won’t dress like a slut, but she won’t dress like a lady either.  She likes the t-shirt and jean approach because she feels like “one of the guys.”   She likes baseball hats with winery names on them and watching football with the guys. She thinks she is much more mature than the other girls around the house and has a much better relationship with her “boys.”  She likes to talk about being able to hold her own, whether it’s in arguments with the men or drinking them under the table (never actually seen that one happen).

This is the girl that wants to be uber important to the fraternity and all of its members and thinks herself a brother even though she lacks (among other things) a penis. The guys’ girl tells everyone that she would never date a frat boy, but secretly wants nothing more. The whole “I’m one of the guys” front is just that: a front. At her core, she wants the same thing as every other girl trolling the frat house hallways. She just doesn’t want to be seen that way.

Whichever category she falls into, the Frat House Groupie is a staple at frat parties nationwide. If you find yourself at a Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes party, or just a random Tiki Tuesday, you will run into her. Every. single. time. There is no cure for the Frat House Groupie; just avoid, avoid, avoid.

(Photo courtesy of laurelt83 on flickr)

But wait! There is good news. Finally, something to be excited about on a sad, sad Wednesday morning:

Happy Endings.

Yeah, you read that right. And no, I am not talking about a giant piece of carrot cake (with extra frosting) after a great meal. I am talkin’ about happy endings. You know; the kind that every man dreams of when he goes in for a massage. Those infamous acts that are quite popular in East Asia.

I am talking about ORGASMS, people. Orgasms that you don’t have to get dressed up for. Orgasms that you don’t have to wear heels for. Or work for. Or bat your eyelashes for.

Orgasms you can just….order.

While Happy Endings have been quite popular for men for centuries, they have been hard to come by for the ladies. (Note: Not because women are harder to…happy end?) Perhaps it has always been more taboo for a woman to simply want/need an orgasm (like men), or maybe we could just never find someone who was willing to do it, but spas offering this “service” to women were hard to find.

Not anymore. At least for some lucky bitches in NY. Rumors have been circulating (and confirmed) that there are now spas in NY that (discreetly…you have to ask the right questions) are offering women a special stress relieving package. (Editor’s Note: Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Ayooooo!)

Talk about female empowerment! An orgasm without the work? An orgasm without having to rely on a boyfriend/mate? An orgasm without the stigma of being a whore for going home with someone? The ability to fill an innate need just like men do? These Happy Ending spas may finally close the gaping gender gap that has existed for centuries!

Or, this could just be an awesome way to spend a Saturday at the spa: mani, pedi, facial, O.

Sign. Me. Up.

[Photo courtesy of bestofbanff.com]