Dear Obnoxious Phone Users of the World:

While I will never deny that my cell phone has allowed me the opportunity to amuse myself during a boring class, I understand that there is a time and a place for texting.  Please learn when it is appropriate to have a relationship solely with your keyboard.  In case you need some help, I have given some strict guidelines below.  Adhere to them or you will end up friendless. For real.

During a Broadway show: Whoever says that the little light from a cell phone in a darkened theater is not distracting to other people around them is LYING. Broadway tickets cost over $100, and it is never okay to distract an audience from someone’s beautiful voice with your clicky texting sounds. Furthermore, in small theaters the actors can see you texting. You can’t get much ruder than that.

During a movie: While significantly less expensive than most live theater, the continuous “click click click” sound and the cell phone light make me want to take my $12 Diet Coke and dump it all over you.

As an excuse not to call: While a couple of text messages are always appreciated, they do not replace a conversation. If you have a story to tell, don’t text it; pick up the phone and call.  It’s not that loving texts and cute stories are not appreciated, but it shows a lot more effort and care to have a ten minute phone conversation than to exchange 30 texts and have everyone around cringe at the endless vibrations. Read More »

A big part of etiquette is knowing how to deal with rude people with dignity and grace.

Let’s face it, you can mind your manners all you want but there’ll always be that jerk that comes along and pushes you off the swing set anyway *cough-Ryan-M-from-first-grade-cough* So here are some quick guidelines of how to deal with the Ryans of this world:

During a confrontation…

1. Ask yourself if it’s really worth it.
If someone’s walking straight at you and expect you to get out of their way, remember that it wouldn’t kill you to move over. Yeah, it’s a pain in the butt and yeah, that person is completely rude, but is it worth ruining your day over?

2. Stay calm under pressure.
As Miss Manners, I really can’t condone rudeness; however, I do understand that everyone has bad days and sometimes people honestly don’t know that they’re being rude. So if you catch an attitude at the get-go, they might see it as you being rude first. Never fight fire with fire. No matter what, speak calmly and rationally and perhaps they’ll realize how ridiculous they sound in comparison.
DO NOT: Act patronizing. If your calmness comes off as patronizing/douche-y, that’ll only set them off again. No one likes to feel stupid and you’ll just push their buttons if they feel like you’re looking down on them.
OR: Start a shouting match, especially in public. Then both of you are being rude. Plus it’s hard to be rational when you’re screaming/being screamed at. Read More »

I’m sure every sexy CC reader has gotten the awkward “Can I have yo numba?” from a not so appealing guy. While some of you are fine with flat out saying “No,” I’m looking to all the other ladies who  decide to give up their numbers (or more…) “just to be polite.” Now as Miss Manners, I am a huge advocate of good etiquette, but is humoring a guy you’re not really interested in really being polite?

Miss Manners says: Nope. It’s better and more respectable if you’re upfront with the guy rather than lead him on out of pity/kindness.  And, let’s be honest, you don’t want to have to screen your calls for the next 6 months out of fear that he’s not moving on….

Try one of these tactics to deliver the news instead:

Lie. Ahhh… The cornerstone of all etiquette: the white lie. Apologize and tell him that you have a boyfriend or tell him you dropped your brand new Blackberry down the toilet (true story). Yes, of course lying is bad and oft looked down on, but sometimes a white lie is more forgiving than the truth – as long as you don’t get too crazy with your story (“I have a penis”) and nobody gets harmed in the process.
Be wary of: Betting caught in your lie. Trust me, it’s pretty humiliating and you could end up with the “bitch” label. And news of a bitch spreads fast.

Politely excuse yourself… and run to the nearest restroom/exit. Say, “I’m sorry but I have to go,” with an air of finality so he gets the hint.
Be wary of: Him NOT getting the hint and waiting outside the bathroom door for you. Creepy? Yes. Possible? Definitely. Read More »

Ahh.. home sweet home. Or is it? Now that most of us are home for the summer, we’ve realized that the break’s over and the spontaneous nights of beer pong and the freedom to do who/what we like are gone. Funny how quickly it went from, “Our baby girl’s finally home from college. We’ve missed you so much!” to “Oh. You’re home? Run to the store and pick up some milk.”

Things are starting to fall back into their old routines, but it’s not the same. You’re an adult now, a house guest in your own home. Your house doesn’t really feel like your pre-college home anymore and the rules have all changed… or have they? Check out these Home-for-the-Summer House Rules:

Curfews. Yes, I understand that most of us are way too old to have curfews. This isn’t about that. It’s rude to stumble in at 1 in the morning and wake up the entire house. And regardless of whether you’re 12 or 22, you should probably give your parents a heads up if you’re planning to stay out late. Your parents will always be your parents and if their baby is still out “missing” with no warning, they’re going to worry/call the cops.

Chores. Just because you’re an ‘adult’ now (especially because you’re an adult now) doesn’t mean you can laze around all summer. Your mother is not your maid. If your parents are feeding you and letting you live rent free for the summer, the least you can do is pick up after yourself and help around the house. Chances are, the rents have realized that you’re going to be around for awhile and they’ve already put you to work anyway. Read More »

Who loves Friday? We do, we do!

The clock has officially struck 5 (for us, at least…sorry West Coast), the booze is officially in hand, and we’re ready for the weekend! And, quite frankly, we deserve it. It’s been a busy week around here and we are really effing tired.

We learned what doesn’t mix well with alcohol, and that beer is really good for us!

We figured out why we can’t stop eating. (Though we still wonder why we can’t stop drinking…)

We spent a lot of time looking in the mirror; we are too narcissistic for anyone else to love us, after all.

We screamed at people for annoying us with their technology, and learned what is appropriate and what is not when it comes to using it.

We contemplated abstinence (sorta…), but only because we just do not want a baby and the birth control pill can kill us.

We tried to get our BF to cuddle with us by indulging his very naughty sexual fantasies.

Oh yeah. We also entered the CollegeCandy contest to see No Doubt for free.

And now we’re dunzo. And drinking. There is nothing quite like a delicious summer weekend. Especially when you know the cure for hangovers.

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

These days, it seems like the etiquette rules of the past just can’t keep up with the changing face of communication. Now, I like my cell phone as much as the next person, but there are some things you just shouldn’t do with a phone…

- Having a cell phone lets you talk whenever, whereever, but that doesn’t mean you should. It’s rude to talk on the phone in restaurants, movie theaters, libraries, lecture halls, opera houses (does anyone actually go to those?), etc. Keep your phone on silent. Duh.

- What’s more, it’s rude to talk loudly. I don’t mean the “slightly-above-normal-speaking-level” loud. I mean the “STRAIGHT-UP-SCREAMIING-INTO-YOUR-PHONE-LIKE-IT’S-A-MEGA-PHONE“ loud. If you have to scream, take it somewhere private. Otherwise, realize that the other person will hear you whether you’re screaming or whispering (preferably, talking normally). Plus it makes you look super crazy if you’re walking down the street screaming into a hidden Bluetooth. Read More »

I’m going to preface this with a disclaimer.  My version of airplane etiquette is a bit skewed since I require massive amounts of drugs to fly.  All I do is  make sure to take enough to avoid the projectile vomiting (yeah, I’m dead serious), but not too much so I end up drooling on my neighbor.  It’s a good flight if I’m unconscious the entire time.

For those of you who spend their flights on iPods, reading, or trying desperately to occupy themselves while stuck in a metal tube for a few hours with a hundred strangers, there are a some rules you should observe. So, sit back, relax, and listen up. Here comes the airplane etiquette:

Chatting With Your Neighbor:
If you happen to be a very social person, remember that your neighbor is not required to talk to you.  Just because someone happens to be sitting next to you (and your thighs may be touching) doesn’t mean that you two need to share your life stories and become BFFs.  And if this is something they don’t quite seem to understand, it is perfectly acceptable to tell them (politely) that you are too busy/sick/tired or whatever to talk. Or just put your earphone in (with or without the music playing) so they get the hint.

Arm Rest Possession:
I am pretty sure there is nothing more uncomfortable than sharing a 3-inch armrest with a large, hairy man. Wait, I take that back. Wrestling a large, hairy man for the armrest might take the cake. Common courtesy on arm rest possession is as follows: If you are on the aisle, take the outer-most armrest. If you are in the window, take the outer-most armrest. Let the poor sucker in the middle have both of the inside guys. After all, poor guy has the worst seat on the plane, let him have something. Read More »

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something. While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world.

I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

I always leave salons with bad hair cuts. (Although I must admit the last one was my fault- it should have tipped me off right away when I realized the hair stylist did not speak a word of English.) Anyway, last week reader Josie asked us to feature an article on hair-salon etiquette: “manners pertaining communication with your hair dresser from conversation to tips, how to react if you don’t get the expected results, etc.” So here’s to you Josie..

Small talk. For most women (and some men), their hairstylist is their therapist, best friend, psychic, and lover (you know, hypothetically speaking) all rolled into one. What you tell them is completely up to you, but remember that while there is practically an unwritten rule about the stylist-stylee confidentiality, your stylist isn’t legally obligated to keep quiet. Just because you trust her to give you a killer hair-do, doesn’t mean you can trust her to not tell everyone about your cheating on your taxes, boyfriend, calculus exam, whatever. In fact, salons are havens for gossip, so just be careful.

On another note, if you don’t want to talk to the person cutting your hair, you really don’t have to. I’ve been there; once you run out of small talk (“Yes, it is hot outside, isn’t it?”) and have nothing more to add to the conversation, the silence gets pretty awkward. If you ever find yourself in this predicament, politely escape via magazine. Relax. It’s okay; just make sure to glance up now and then to make sure your hair is coming along the way you’d like.

Bad haircuts. What should you do if you end up with a bad cut? Ask them to fix it. And by “ask” I mean “tell.” Yes, it might be a pain in the butt for them to redo your hair, but remember that you’re paying them for the service. If your hair doesn’t come out exactly the way you want it to, it’s not rude to expect someone at the salon to fix it. It’s better for them if you speak up and get a haircut you love than to walk out unhappy and tell everyone where that mullet came from.

Note: This isn’t a free pass to be bitchy or to start crying and threaten her with the scissors. If you’re unhappy with the results, calmly explain to the stylist what’s wrong with the look, why it isn’t what you asked for, and offer up a suggestion on how to fix it.  This can usually be avoided by bringing a photograph/sketch of the exact style you want from different angles or explaining beforehand your definition of “just two inches.”

Tipping.

I hope that helped clarify some things. I’ve had my fair share of salon disasters (going in for red hair…coming out with purple?), so I’m pretty confident in these tips.

And once again, if you’ve got any etiquette conundrums, questions or gray areas you need help sorting out, let me know in the comments. I’ll be sure to help you out in next week’s column!

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know]

One of my oldest childhood friends is getting married this Saturday and, quite frankly, I am horrified by the thought of attending his wedding. Not that I have anything against the lovebirds; on the contrary, I’m glad he’s happy. It’s just, well… I never know how to act at weddings. There are just too many unspoken rules, too many unanswered questions: What do I wear? Black? White? Should I go casual or dressy? What do I bring? Who do I bring? Can I bring someone? And so on.

It’s enough to keep you from going to the blasted wedding at all. Well, I’m here to speak those rules and answer those questions. Buckle up my lovelies…

Dress code:
Can I wear white? NO! Never, ever wear white to a wedding.

What about black? Yes, black is perfectly acceptable at weddings. In fact, most people do. As long as you keep from looking like part of a funeral procession, you should be fine. Read More »

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

So your friend borrowed your favorite sweater in Physics, promising she’d return it after class. But when the class let out, you were too busy copying notes to remind her to give it back. It’s been two months now, and all your subtle hints about how you really hate people who borrow stuff *ahem ahem* is getting you blank stares. You figure either she forgot about it… or she’s a bitch who’s playing dumb so she can keep your cute-and-perfect-for-all-seasons sweater.

What to do when the borrower just won’t give the damn thing back?

Miss Manners says:
First figure out how much the object is worth. Is a sweater/$5/a calculator/etc. worth potentially ruining your friendship over? If you can already tell that getting it back will be a struggle – perhaps one big enough to turn into a catfight – think of how much the object really means to you. If you figure it’s worth it, read on. If not, ask her one last time (outright. i.e. “Hey, remember that sweater I loaned to you forever ago? Do you think I could get it back?”) and if she refuses to budge, drop it, chalk it up as a birthday present and never let her borrow anything again. Read More »