Only douchebags drink Ed Hardy Vodka

Here’s an analogy for you, try to channel those SAT study sheets. (Ew I know, worst memory ever.)

Intellectual is to Bookstore as College Student is to __________.

Yes, the answer is liquor store. On my weekly (OK, daily) visits I peruse the shelves searching for a hidden gem. A creamy liquor stuck in the back, a girly vodka that will be the life of Friday’s pre-gaming party session. I constantly find myself lost in the aisles emerging an hour later with nothing to show for it but a bottle of Smirnoff, because, let’s be real, a girl can dream but I’m on a college budget here.

But just like memoirs by celebs who have done absolutely nothing worth writing about (Paris Hilton anyone?) crowding Borders’ shelves, I find myself annoyed by the obnoxiously overpriced bottles of celebrity alcohols that have made their way into my serves-the-under-21-crowd corner store. As if infiltrating every other aspect of my life wasn’t enough.

Can’t a girl relax in a liquor store without having to fight her way through tacky advertising gimmicks and heart stopping price tags?

Apparently not. I think a couple of them are so obnoxious and unnecessary that they are worth a mention. And a cease and desist. And the winners are…

Dan Aykryod: Crystal Head Vodka

Oh goody, vodka in a crystal skeleton head!? I will definitely pay $50 for that. Not! I think I can get the same affect by stopping by the Halloween store pick up a couple plastic skeletons and dumping my $10 Svedka in it, thankyouverymuch.

Danny Devito: Limoncello

A tiny, bald man with a burger gut selling limoncello liquor. I don’t even really know what to say about this. I guess the acting career’s gone sour?

Ed Hardy: Vodka

The bottles are as tacky as the clothing line and I don’t need anything else triggering my gag reflex while I’m knocking em’ back. Send the rest of the inventory to Jon Gosselin and get them out of my liquor store.

Marilyn Manson: Mansinthe

He came out with his own brand of Absinthe? This explains a lot, actually.

Donald Trump: Trump Vodka

This actually isn’t that surprising. And I’m sure The Donald thinks this is the absolute best vodka in the world. Much like the best line of suits, the best hotels, the best celebrity reality show…

Lil Jon: Little Jonathan Winery

Urban rap star by day, wine connoisseur by night? Lil Jon may be sipping on Patron but Little Jonathan classes it up with a bottle of red. Let’s all gather around for a night of wafting, sipping and intellectual conversation.

Savana Sampson: Sogno Due Wine

Well fancy that, selling sex isn’t enough, she’s now selling alcohol. It’s actually pretty cheap (which makes sense considering so is she), but you just can’t beat a $4 bottle of Arbor Mist. Sorry, Savana!

Dr. Dre: Aftermath Congac

I suppose he has no choice since his music is so last century. But we’re not going to lie, his sparkling vodka that is in the works sounds pretty much like the most amazing thing ever.

Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson?

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Calvin Klein gets naughty.

You miss Obama’s speech last night? Well here you go…

Top 10 ways to ensure you won’t get a job…

Another plane crash? WTF? I’m never flying again!

Octomom was offered $1 million to do a porno…would you watch? Ew.

Solving the accidental butt-crack show when you bend over in your fav jeans…

Beware AT&T users: Do NOT answer calls from area code 809!

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I don’t know how I feel about these new Vera Wang shades. What do you think?

Mmm…pancakes.

Evan Rachel Wood is back with Manson. Why?

Typically, a strong woman with intellect and the ability to articulate that which is on her mind is a positive thing. Regardless of beliefs or heavy opinions, the ability to reasonably debate should be held in high regard in a world where feminism seems taboo to much of society and many men are still uncomfortable dating a better-read or better-versed woman.

A smart woman in the public eye should be revered. A smart, BEAUTIFUL woman in the public eye should draw even more attention to herself if the data I’ve collected on the correlation between beauty and attention is correct.

And hence we have the problem with Ann Coulter.

She happens to be remotely intellectual, well-read, able to debate, and beautiful. She should, theoretically, be a feminist icon for all strong-willed and curiously-minded women. She should, regardless of party or religion, be a demonstration to society that women can think in a calculative manner and speak freely, as well as intelligently. She should be these things because she is gifted and qualified to be these things.

Yet instead, she exploits her talent and intellect. Instead, she sabotages her own ability to speak on behalf of women. For those of you who don’t know, Ann Coulter is a best-selling author about as relevant to literature as Marilyn Manson is to music. Like Marilyn Manson, the woman sells her books because of shock-value and shock-value alone. Without hesitation, Ann Coulter sums up liberalism as “the opposition party to god.” She has claimed that societal problems are based on single motherhood, that liberalism is a religion, and that democrats are incapable of fighting a war on terrorism. Ann Coulter refers to President Elect Obama as B. Hussein Obama and writes off her blatant attempt to brainwash her listeners into associating him with Saddam Hussein as humor.

And funny, she does seem. For a woman as capable of linear thinking as Ann Coulter should be, I find it easier to assume that she is a brilliant artist of satire than an embarrassment to women…but I’m afraid that assumptions aren’t relevant in the case against Ann Coulter.

Is she good or bad for women?

She is bad.

Unlike her average or below average intelligence level fellow female starlets, who also share in the molding of minds via the media, Ann Coulter is actually worse for women than they are. Heidi Montag spews something utterly ridiculous from her mouth and it doesn’t tangle society’s perception of women nearly as much as what comes out of Ann Coulter’s mouth. Why? Because Heidi Montag is an idiot. And that’s what she sells herself on. Ann Coulter, however, is clearly smart, but also batsh*t crazy, and this is a dangerous weapon against women as a whole.

She is bad for women because she furthers the assumption that women are crazy, smart or not. She is bad for women because she doesn’t thoroughly think before she speaks and often times contradicts herself. She is bad for women because she cares more about selling books than she does about meaning what she says.

I am a liberal, not a Christian, and ashamed of Ann Coulter. Predictable, right? But I am not ashamed of her as a liberal or a non-Christian. I am ashamed of her as a woman. Women should use their opportunities to speak their mind to the entire world, not make a mockery of them.

Of course, no celebs are immune to the occasional “what the hell were they thinking?” moment, but for the most part, these celebs look foxy and fabulous and inspire us all to do the same.]

Dita Von Teese is famous for her infinitely sexy burlesque act (I actually saw her perform at a small party a few years back, and let me say, it is quite spectacular), and for having been married to freakish Marilyn Manson. Lately, however, she has been getting a new sort of notoriety: for her fabulous style.

Dita stands on her own as the Diva of Retro. She pulls off this look with vintage-inspired clothing, dramatic coloring and her signature pin-up hair and ruby red lips. She is a dream for many couture designers such as Marchesa, Vivienne Westwood, Roland Mouret and Christian Dior/John Galliano, as their gowns perfectly hug her amazing and almost unbelievable hourglass figure. She accentuates the beauty of her classic looks by adding fun and flirty accessories like sky-high heels and funky hats.

Dita embodies glamour like no one else and makes it look effortless in the process; that’s enough for me (or anyone) to consider her a Style Idol of our time.

Madagascar 2 is expected to rock your socks off, starting this weekend.

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Even President Bush’s dog is pissing people off.

Yet another reported school shooting. So sad. When will the madness stop?

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Michelle Obama isn’t funny–but is she supposed to be?

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I still don’t see the whole Marilyn Manson attraction

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Here are some sex tapes I’d like to see:

Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood

Oh wait, they’ve already made one and called it a music video. On second thought, I’m okay with never watching that again.

Owen Wilson and Kate Hudson.

Even though I have a feeling that I’d just be waiting for Owen Darling (bless his heart) to burst out into tears or for Kate Hudson to snap in half. On second thought, maybe I’ll skip this one too.

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith

Aren’t you a little curious? They seem so wholesome, but I just get the impression that Jada can handle a whip better than Indiana Jones.

Sting and Trudie Styler.

I know he’s getting old, but don’t you kinda want him to show the work, so to speak, with all that tantric stuff he’s been talking up?

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni.

Mostly because I’d like to see what Dave is packing. Age and bad career moves just can’t dampen my dirty lusty love for this man.

James McAvoy and…Me.

Shot in soft light, of course, maybe reenacting that scene from Atonement. Really, though, I’d do it in the back of a Ford Taurus in a Costco parking lot in the middle of the day if that’s what he wanted.

What’s almost as creepy as a real kiss between Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood? An onscreen kiss between Mary Kate Olsen and Ben Kingsley who is 42 years her senior. Woof!

MK is making her first real on screen debut in The Wackness starring Josh Peck and Ben Kingsley who play a drug dealer (Peck) and a therapist (Kingsley) that form a friendship.

Olsen is one of the dealer’s clients and in some tangled web ends up in a “passionate scene” with Kingsley. Interesting.

Although I am skeptical of the film and of MK’s real acting skills (I’ve seen every MK&A movie, so I know what has come before) I will probably see it anyways. I mean I harbor a deep love for the Olsen twins. To me, they’re like they’re like the family member you will always love no matter how fucked up they get.

But also, Ben Kingsley is in the film. And with his credentials (best actor Oscar for Ghandi and roles in Schindler’s List and House of Sand and Fog), it is hard to imagine that the movie could be that bad.

This week, MK has made her small screen debut in Weeds (anyone else see a trend in the scripts she’s choosing?) as the bible-toting girlfriend of Mary Louise Parker’s son. So, from God Squad to drug-user Mary Kate is building up her street cred and honing her real acting skills.

I for one am excited to see how the girl progress after her 21st year. And for the fact that maybe I can add some real movies to my current MK&A collection.

Yes, I have a collection.