Have you heard? The economy is in a downward spiral! People are losing their homes, their jobs, and all of the money they’ve been saving forever! And here we are, a bunch of wide-eyed, “the world is our oyster” college kids who can’t wait to get out into the real world!

Oh yeah, and we are poor.

Between those student loans we are gonna have to pay back and the fact that we may not be able to get a job upon graduating, we gotta start eating canned goods saving now. So, how are our writers handling this economic situation (A.K.A. sh*tstorm)? Here are their tips for saving money and stretching a dollar.

Elisabeth – UA Hunstville: I have dehydrated food!! My fiance got some MREs (Meal Ready to Eat for all you non military peeps out there) from a Marine friend of his. Now when the economy completely crashes we can live off of Pork Rib, instead of just Twinkies!

Sara – NYU: I’ve been thinking about which of my friends I’ll eat if push comes to shove.

Lauren – University of Michigan: I’m doing everything at home: manicure, pedicure, eyebrows… even my bikini line. God, I hope the economy turns soon; no one should have to inflict that kind of pain on themselves.

Megan – Brown University: I’m rocking the shaggy sheepdog hairstyle to avoid paying an absurd amount of money for a haircut.

Lyndsey – University of Michigan: Procuring an extremely generous Irish bartender loverboy. I know it’s working wonders for my unemployed ass.

Kathryn S.: I’m loading up on jobs that each have their own perk. My full-time job provides free coffee, so I drink about four cups a day because I can. Now I just need another job that will pay me AND give me free alcohol.

Erica – Kent State: Befriending or re-friending people I know who still live on campus with meal plans = FREE LUNCHES!

Suzanne – Tulane: 2 words – Dollar Menu

Marissa – High School Senior: Giving my parents those cute doe-eyes so they’ll buy me things. Works like a charm if you know how to work it!

K-NYU: Pregaming and sticking to a no-bars-with-cover policy. Also, going through my friends’ wardrobes saves tons on shopping…

Amber – Old Dominion: Before I buy that cute top at Forever 21 I ask myself, “Do I really need this, or do I already have 3 of these at home?” It only works 10% of the time, but I’m making progress.

Conan – Columbia College: Eat Oatmeal Every Day

Carly – Grinnell: I reuse Ziploc bags — I know that is pathetic, but they last forever that way.

Kelly – UMass: I have stopped buying packs of cigarettes and instead have resorted to becoming that annoying person who bums them off you – at 7 bucks a pack, I will go broke!

J-NYU: Give up smoking weed — you’ll save on grocery bills.

Kari – FSU: I took all of my money out of my personal savings account and put it into a MUCH higher interest credit union that my parents opened for me when I was little. And I changed the account access so that only my mom can get to it…because “emergency” for me qualifies a new pair of boots. Additionally, I sneak a flask into my purse for the bar and order water or tonic with lime (FREE!) and spike my fun juice surreptitiously.

Alright, I’m not gonna be the dude who writes about Jake G. on the website for women and hates on him. I think Gyllenhaal is a great actor. He throws down pretty hard regardless of part, whether it’s a marine or a gay cowboy or a teen who keeps seeing a rabbit.

I also won’t be the guy who says ‘yeah he looks good, but I mean, I’ve seen better.’ As a heterosexual man, I feel fine saying Jake looks godd*mn HUGE in these new pictures. Respect for putting on that weight and not being afraid to lose all that ‘sweet little boy look’ money.

But, I gotta say something.

This movie is called Prince of Persia.

OF.

PERSIA.

Attention, Hollywood. Ethnicity is not a tan. Even in the game, designed by a western production house, the Prince has a Eurasian vibe going. This isn’t Gyllenhaal’s fault of course, just the casting director’s. Though I can’t help but think that someone as successful as him, who isn’t necessarily desperate for greenbacks or notoriety, could’ve maybe at least considered that this might be a mistake.

Agent: Jake, new project. Prince of Persia. BOOYA.

Jake: That is cool. I like those games but…

Agent: But what? Video game money is baller!

Jake: Ya but I’m not Persian. I’m not of any middle eastern ancestry at all.

(Quick look in mirror)

Jake: Actually, looking at myself now, I think I may have the whitest, least ethnic face in all of Hollywood. That’s probably why I made such believable ‘everyteens’ and ‘everymarines.’ Isn’t there someone else who could do this?

Agent: But Jake, it’s about an Arab prince who controls time with a sword. You are this part.

Whatever. Video game movies with big stars are probably the next thing to dominate Hollywood after the year comic books just had at the box office, so it’s to be expected that we’d get a few mis-casts. But hey, maybe he’ll pull it off.

Apply some more bronzer, I guess.

Reason 798 why the Internet creeps me out: (which is even weirder than reason 797: the government probably reading everything I’ve ever put on here), people not being who they say they are online.

Wired Magazine recently featured a story that is the mother of all mistaken Internet identity tales, and reads like some kind of psychotic Lifetime movie of the week. Stay with me now.

Thomas Montgomery, a 45-year-old husband of 16 years and father of two teenage girls was living a pretty uneventful life in upstate New York. After spending 12 years at the same boring job, something inside Montgomery must have snapped, causing the man to live a monotonous life no more—at least in cyberspace. Deciding to log onto the game and chat site Pogo.com as a “19-year-old marine” named Tommy who was getting ready to ship out to Iraq, stood 6 feet tall, and had a “9 inch dick”, Montgomery set out to live a double life.

And live it he did, once he began talking to a 16-year-old girl from Virginia named Jessi. Jessi fell in love with Montgomery’s Tommy, talking to him for hours at night and sending him G-strings in the mail.

Sometimes, just to shake things up, Montgomery would pretend to be Tommy’s father, admonishing Jessi for making mistakes in the relationship.

Eight months after instant messaging every day and speaking on the phone, Tommy proposed to Jessi. Jessi accepted. In a bizarre New Year’s Eve resolution, Montgomery wrote “On January 2, 2006, Tom Montgomery (46 years old) ceases to exist and is replaced by an 18-year-old battle-scarred marine”.

But the only thing that really happened was Montgomery’s wife finding his secret stash of G-strings and realizing her husband was cyber cheating with a girl as old as his daughter. Being a mother, and a sane individual, Montgomery’s wife contacted Jessi and let her know Tommy didn’t exist.

Distraught, Jessi contacted a friend of Montgomery’s who also frequented Pogo.com, 22-year-old Brian Barrett, and asked him if Tommy was indeed a fake. Barret told her he was. A disappointed Jessi began messaging Barret in place of Tommy, and the two began their own online relationship.

A relationship Montgomery found out about. A relationship that pissed the delusional father of two off so much he (allegedly) followed Barret to work and shot him three times.

When Jessi was contacted about the crime, her mother answered for her, saying her daughter wasn’t around. But as cops pushed, they noticed something odd about Jessi’s mother. She acted strangely, nervous, like she knew something.

Turns out, Jessi’s mom, was Jessi.

The icing on this freaking weird cake, Jessi didn’t exist at all. Jessi was really a housewife named Mary, using her daughter’s profile.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

…And I don’t think I’d ever want to.