Hi Dude,

I’ve been dating this guy for a few months, and we really get along phenomenally. We have a lot in common, including our sense of humor, we love to go on adventures and the sex is fantastic. Marriage came up in conversation the other day, because one of his friends is unhappily married. During the conversation he revealed that he didn’t believe in marriage and would never marry. He said he had too many friends who are unhappily married and constantly complain that the sex is boring, and they wish they could sleep with other people. I’m not saying I want to marry this guy or anyone any time soon, but I do want to get married eventually. Is it worth sticking in this relationship if those are his beliefs? Should I be with someone who thinks they should only be with someone as long as the sex is sizzling? Does he really mean that, or has he just never been in love with someone enough to realize that there are many other reasons to stay in a relationship beyond the honeymoon phase?

Thanks,

Not Yet A Bride

Dear Not Yet A Bride,

Ouch! I mean, OUCH! You’re in a swamp filled with sh*t on this one. Sorry to be explicit but damn, girl, this is not the easiest terrain to wade through, and you’re right in the thick of it…Please disregard all nature-based metaphors used in the prior sentences, I’m in the middle of reading Swamp Thing #8. Multitasking!-it’s what makes us adults, seriously.

I’ve had this conversation myself at one point with a certain lady-friend of mine, so I’m talking from experience rather than just out of my ass on this one. Lots of couples last long-term despite differences over a lot of things: Who’s the best Bond, best Doctor, whose family is crazier, why she never takes out the f*cking garbage, is the cat cuter than both of you combined (yes, she is), but there’s one difference that usually sinks a relationship at the end of the day: Marriage.

Some people are ready now, some aren’t, some say they could be, and some claim they never will be, and are any of these statements 100% concrete? No. He could want to in 5 years or maybe it’ll take 10 years. There are plenty of marriage horror stories that we all hear about. Ever notice how you generally only hear about the bad parts of a marriage? Or stories at least about bad marriages and not so often about good ones? Way of gossip, I guess. Those horror stories are enough to give the most grounded person pause these days, so it’s not surprising that right now he can’t envision himself married. Those are issues he’ll have to work on, and either you can put some faith into him being able to do the work, or you can walk away when you decide you’re ready for the next step, and he’s not.

There’s no definite way to know if you’re completely wasting your time by staying with this guy for much longer. A lot of us change our minds with maturity and experience of a healthy long-term relationship. It does take time, and it takes a bit of work on our parts, but it does happen. The reverse happens to. The question, really, is how long are you prepared to wait?

It could take a year, five years, or even ten years before he gets comfortable with the idea of getting married and that’s thinking he actually will. You have to make the decision for yourself when enough’s enough. If, should you become ready, he can’t or won’t get ready, that’s the point when you consider using those walking boots. Until then, keep the lines of communication open, and see how it plays out. Sounds like you two have a real nice thing going. Don’t leap five moves ahead before you see what the next move is first.

To touch on your other point: you should only stay with someone who believes a relationship is working while the sex is sizzling if all you want is sizzling sex. Otherwise, that’s A. not realistic thinking and B. not mature thinking. Take that belief for what it’s worth: not much.

Runaway groom,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My best frenemy is getting married. Ok, fine. I was happy for her. The problem is she asked me to make a speech. Tuffy, this girl is not someone I can say something nice about. We have a lot of the same friends so I can’t back out of giving the speech, but we have had a lot of problems in the past.

She dated my ex boyfriend after I broke up with him even though I told her I wasn’t ok with it. She caused a lot of drama with our mutual friends in the past. I dont want to even go in to it here, but trust me this girl is not nice.

But we have a lot of the same friends. And we have been friends since the beginning of high school.

Tuffy, I honestly do not have any thing nice to say. What should I do?

Frenemy

Dear Frenemy,

Welp, I think you’re stuck making this speech. Girl obviously doesn’t consider you a frenemy or she wouldn’t have asked you to talk. So, um, there’s that. Is this chick oblivious, or is this state of freneminity on your side only?! Whatever. It doesn’t matter. The point is, you don’t care for her, but you have to pretend you do. Except, actually, like, you HAVE been pretending you do. So, um, that’s sort of phony, isn’t it?

Girls of the Internet: STOP HAVING FRENEMIES. What the floop is the point?! If you don’t like someone, don’t hang out with them!!! If they’re friends with your friends, try to be nice but, for crying out loud, don’t act like you’re their actual FRIEND!!! Haven’t you ever heard of “acquaintances?!” You can be perfectly polite and kind to someone WITHOUT making them think you want to GIVE A SPEECH AT THEIR WEDDING.

But, bygones. Okay. So. You have to give this speech, yes?

If I were you, my little Frenemy, I would talk to all your many mutual friends. Get quotes from them about things they like. And quote them in your speech. Show her how many people love her. And tie it together by saying (I HOPE truthfully) that you hope she and her betrothed have a wonderful future together. And then stay out of it.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

[Lead image via auremar/Shutterstock]

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m a senior in college and have been in a serious relationship for the past 5 years. He’s my high school sweetheart. I know, we’re so cute! We just got engaged and are getting married when I graduate (he’s two years older and is already working).

Now that we’re engaged, I want to go on birth control, but I’m not sure what to try. What do you recommend?

Thanks, Tuffy!

Engaged!

Dear Engaged,

First of all, congratulations!!! You’re right, that’s super cute. Go, girl!!! Secondly, a disclaimer: Tuffy ain’t no doctor, mmmkay?! So go to your OB/GYN to get REAL advice! But in the meantime, here’s what I got:

I’m going mostly by Planned Parenthood, so you can check out the link here:

(BTW!!! If you don’t have insurance and need to see an OB/GYN, Planned Parenthood is a great resource!!! Clicky click that link!) Basically, if you’re going to have sex and you don’t want a baby, you have to use protection. If you’re also worried about STDs (which MOST of you should be!!!), you need to use a condom and that’s pretty much that. You could kind of use a female condom, but those seem to be slightly less effective and have a few downsides (may be uncomfy, can slip inside you during sex, etc.). CONDOMS, people. CONDOMS!!! There are also a bunch of options you can use WITH condoms to prevent pregnancy.

Some women like the diaphragm. It’s fairly effective but it doesn’t protect, of course, from STDs. It’s like a little cup you insert in your hooha. It’s nice and inexpensive and each one lasts for about two years.

Then, of course, there’s the ever-popular birth control pill. Be careful when you go on these, since they do pump you full of hormones and some people have serious side effects. (Read up here.) Really wonderful for some women, really harmful for others. Remember, the pill does NOT protect against STDs!!!

Similarly, there’s the sponge. It soaks up the spermies and kills ‘em. Check but not as effective as we’d like.

Then there’s the patch, which is quite effective (for pregnancy, NOT STDs!). You have to wear it. Like an accessory. Same hormonal risks, but, again, great for some.

The shot: Depo-Provera. Very easy, lasts three months a shot. A little more expensive because it’s more convenient.

NuvaRing: an insertion thingy. VERY effective but pricey and a little risky. Read up, kids.

Aaaand the birth control implant. Very expensive up front but lasts three years. Mostly pretty safe, from what I understand.

I mean, basically, you just have to do your research and talk to your doctor. I applaud you for being responsible!!!!!!!! Please, kids, protect your bodies and your futures!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv. Or smash.

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I have a problem that most girls would kill to have. My boyfriend of three years proposed to me.

The problem is, I don’t think I want to go through with it. I’m graduating college in June. He graduated last year and moved back home with his parents. Since then, he’s been working at the mall near where he grew up. It’s only an hour away from school so I still see him all the time, and he seems really happy.

But that’s the problem. He seems really happy just working at the mall. I want to have a whole career and I think I have a chance at getting a job at the firm where I’m interning. I thought the two of us had similar goals, but, since the summer, I’ve come to realize we don’t. He wants to just go to work and come home and hang out, but I want to have a real career and if I have to work late or weekends, I’m fine with that. He gets really sad if I ever stay late at my internship. He says jobs are so you can afford to live, but I see my job as more than that.

We started dating when I was a freshman, and while I like him a lot, I just don’t think he’s “the one.” I feel like we’re better as friends. I’ve known this for a while, but I really care about him a lot (he was my first for pretty much everything, and he’s a really good guy), but I didn’t want to hurt him so I guess I just kind of let it keep going. He’s a good person and I could see myself with him but I just don’t think I’d be happy.

I already said yes to getting married. He proposed in front of a bunch of our friends and I didn’t want to make him feel bad. But now I’m panicked because I KNOW I do not want to marry him but now it’s so much worse! Help!!!!!!!

Fiancee

Dear Fiancee,

Wow, that does suck.

Okay, well, obviously you can’t just “let it keep going.” I mean, you really canNOT marry the guy. That would be sucky for you and VERY unfair for him.

See, really, you should have told him how you felt when you were originally feeling it. Because NOW it’s like you’ve been lying to him.

But don’t freak out!! You have to do it, but you’re going to do it in the nicest way possible.

Meet up with him and just tell him the whole truth. (Well, I wouldn’t mention not liking that he’s happy at his job; that might come off as condescending. Say the other stuff: how you love him but you just don’t think this is the right thing right now.) He’ll be mad. You’ll probably both cry. But, ultimately, it’s the right thing to do, and hopefully someday he’ll respect you for it.

And more importantly, you won’t end up with someone you know isn’t the one and he won’t end up with someone who doesn’t want to be with him.

You know this sucks. And you know it will keep on sucking. But once you do it, I promise life as a whole will suck less.

And then, in fact, you can both start fresh and find someone who’s right for you.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Clearly girlfriend is trying to get out of that

I’ll admit, I love watching Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings and any show where they make insane wedding cakes. But the idea of actually going through with it all: The commitment to one person for the rest of your life, the lack of freedom, the planning of two lives becoming one..is my barf bag around here somewhere?

Sure weddings are fun to go to, and seeing people who are happily in love is great. But the whole publicly tying yourself to another person for the rest of your life, that’s the part I’m all set without.

It’s not like I watched my parents’ marriage fail or saw a lot of messy break ups when I was younger. Honestly, every single adult marriage in my life has been successful, it’s just not my thing.

Sure I’ve been in my fair share of relationships but they all start and end the same way. First he is thrilled that I like my space and don’t want to be with him 24/7, then slowly (but surely) he starts to freak out wondering what’s wrong with him and it just goes down hill from there.

Some people are just cut out to be single for the rest of their lives, and that is fine by me. I enjoy being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, without checking in with anyone. Plus anyway, rings don’t really look good on my fingers.

And it isn’t like I’m shunning all relationships, the opposite actually. I’m one of those strange people who actually likes dating, well kind of..the bad ones make for funny stories. But if I magically find that certain someone, if I find someone who meets my long check list, then sure I’d want to stay in a committed relationship with them. But why do we need to put some kind of label on it, isn’t the fact that we love each other bond enough?

Now I promise I won’t go on a tangent about how much I hate labels, but while we’re on the subject… I’ve always felt that marriage is for the world to acknowledge that you are together. I honestly couldn’t care less if the world knows I’m with the love of my life; the only person I care who knows is the person I’m with (and if they don’t know then that would be an awkward conversation).

So yes, marriage is nice for some people– and for some people it’s their end-all goal– but for me? I’m set with kickin’ it solo or tying my life together with someone through a few simple words and a piece of paper.

(Oh and just because I’m not getting married, does not mean I’ll be a cat lady. Want proof? Check it out here!)

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost all of college (we’re seniors) and he’s my perfect guy. I never believed in soul mates until I met him. We get along great, we have so much in common, we have almost all the same friends, and it’s just a great situation.

Perfect, right? Well, I thought so.

We’ve  been making plans to move in together, and he seemed totally fine with that, but a couple of week ago I mentioned in passing something about getting married (I know, I know) and he threw a major curveball at me. It turns out that he won’t marry me–unless I convert to Catholicism.

I never knew this was a big deal for him. He doesn’t seem to be very religious (I’ve never seen him go to church except Christmas and Easter) and he’s never brought this up before. But when we talked about it a couple of weeks ago he was really clear that I would need to convert or else it wasn’t going to work.

I thought about it for a while. I’m not religious so I thought, hey, what the heck, maybe I should just do it for him. But then I started getting kind of mad. Why do I have to pretend I believe in something that he never even told me he cared about before? I think it would really upset my parents and, actually, I think it would really upset me, too. I don’t think I should have to pretend to be something I’m not.

I don’t know if I should be mad or break up with him before it goes any further or convert or what. Also, don’t you think it’s kind of suspicious? He can move in with me but he can’t marry me? Is this BS because he just doesn’t want to marry me?

I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. Until then, I am

Not Converting

Dear Not Converting,

Okay, this is like–really deep. So–noseplugs, readers.

There’s sort of two possibilities here, neither of which works out in your favor:

(1) It’s bullshoop and he doesn’t want to marry you

or

(2) He is genuinely religious and just doesn’t really practice.

Let’s look at #1 first, because it’s much easier (although maybe suckier).

So, let’s say it’s bullshoop and he doesn’t want to marry you. In this case, it’s like–well, frankly, NC, you’re coming right out of college. No rule says you have to get married at 22. Why not wait a little while and feel it out?! What’s the flooping rush?!

I mean, there’s a 50% divorce rate in the USA, right?! CAN’T WE ALL PLEASE DATE A LITTLE LONGER AND MAKE THINGS EASIER ON OURSELVES?! The fact is, you can never REALLLLLLLLY know another person, no matter how close you are or how much you love them (or even how much you stalk them). But the better you get to know them (read: date for a few years AS AN ADULT at LEAST), the better chance you have of actually, you know, staying together.

And you reallllllly don’t know what living together (especially with adult responsibilities, like rent and jobs) will be like until you do it. You might find out your lifestyles aren’t compatible after all.

So, in other words, if #1 is the reason, I’d say give him a year or two before you mention the marriage thing again. If he’s still resistant–well, then you can think about dumping him. Because, frankly, you should NOT marry someone who doesn’t want to marry YOU.

Okay, now let’s say it’s #2 (reminder: “He is genuinely religious and just doesn’t really practice.”). This is more complicated.

Because, like, you can’t change how you feel.

That sounds dumb, right? But, unfortunately, it’s true.

Just as you, rightfully, feel unable and in fact dishonest about completely changing your worldview, so too does Monsieur Religiouspants find it distasteful to change HIS worldview. And, sorry to say, that’s completely fair.

Well, the truth is, if he really can’t get past the fact that you two are not the same religion, and you really feel strongly about not changing that–then the two of you shouldn’t be together.

I would hope, to be honest, that, if everything else really is as perfect as you say, I would HOPE that you two could find a way to work things out. For instance, you could decide to raise the kids Catholic for him and attend church services with him, as long as he understands that you can’t in good faith (ha! Tuffy!) pretend to be something you’re not.

However, this is a very idealistic look at the situation. Chances are, if it’s an issue of his worrying that you, and possibly he, will be damned, he’s not going to be able to commit. Religious is a very personal and very touchy subject. You have to respect each other’s beliefs.

Frankly, honey, I hope you can work this out. (And I hope he’s not just bullshooping you to get out of marriage, that sneaky bashtard.) Tuffy herself is in an interfaith relationship, and we’ve been able to make it work by respecting each other and trying to participate in each other’s shoop without losing our own.

But, ultimately, you have to be honest with yourselves: Are you both willing to make a compromise on something that’s so important to each of you? Only the two of you can decide that.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Want more tough love? Get it.]

So it’s Monday morning. You’re already late. There are a million things you should be doing right now. But really, you just want to sip your latte until you’re more awake and hold off on starting this week a little bit longer, right? Right.

Well, don’t worry. I’ve got you covered. If there’s one thing us college girls are good at it’s procrastination. And if there’s one thing that never fails to provide the perfect means to procrastinate it’s YouTube. Whether you want to watch laughing babies or fuzzy animals, crazy teens, or talented pre-teens, YouTube has it all. The perfect way to kill time, to brighten your mood, and to make your Monday better.

This weekend, I had a lot of reasons to procrastinate. So I put my free time to good use and compliled a list of my top ten favorite YouTube sensations. Enjoy.

10. Baby Bopping to Single Ladies. Most adorable baby ever. Who would think that Bryonce’s video would have been such a hit with such a younger crew? I bet if he’d been at the VMAs, this baby would have been up there with Kanye in second.

9. David after the Dentist. Nothing quite like a little dental surgery to put things into perspective. I still laugh watching poor David struggle with “feeling funny,” with his worries that this might last forever, with his inability to count his fingers, and with the age old question we’re all asking every day, is this real life?

8. Greyson Chace. The boy that Ellen hopes will be the next Justin Bieber. She found his cover of Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi and was so impressed that she started her own record label just to sign him. The boy hasn’t exactly risen to fame yet, but given some time he might just get there.

7. OMG, Shoes. What could one possibly say about this video? Shoes. Shoes. Shoes. OMG, Shoes. Yes, I think that about covers it, don’t you?

6. The sneezing panda. Shortly after discovering this video, which I watched time after time, when I finally stopped laughing, I showed it to my mother. She watched it once, laughed, and said, “Damn kids, they can just never give you a moment of peace, can they?” Clearly, this YouTube video crosses species.

5. The Charlie bit me video. As an older sibling I stand by Charlie’s older brother. Younger siblings get away with murder, biting you and torturing you and really hurting you when everyone else just thinks they’re being cute. You may have the rest of the world fooled, Charlie, but I’ve got my eye on you.

4. The girl that did the cover of Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. Only ten years old and Maria Aragon is already singing like a pro. Lady Gaga was so moved by the video that she was brought to tears. And days later, while being interviewed the girl got a surprise call from Mother Monster herself and the two sang together. You really can’t beat that, can you?

3. The girl that needs a job before she can get married. I’m not sure how this little girl got so wise at such a young age, but I couldn’t be prouder watching that video. Maybe feminism isn’t lost on the next generation, after all.

2.  Evoluton of Dance. A 6 minute dance sequence that takes us through the eras, reminding everyone of just how ridiculous those seemingly super cool dance moves will look in a few years. It’s hilarious, but personally, I’m waiting for the remake that includes both the Macarena and the single ladies dance. Think Jud Laipply can teach me how to Dougie?

1. Justin Bieber. The Biebs took the number one spot if only because he really is the most successful YouTube sensation of all time. Where would the world be if he had never sung his heart out on YouTube? If Usher had never signed him? Teenage girls would still be obsessing over the Jonas Brothers!

Okay. So that’s my top ten. What are your favorite YouTube videos of all time?

[Check out Jenn's other musings-in-the-form-of-a-list here.]

And it turns out, that whole “cuddling” thing might be better for all of us than a trip to the gym or a daily vitamin.

I’ve recently come across tons of articles telling us how important love is. MSN even cites a University of Pittsburgh study that showed women who were in a healthy marriage had lower risks for cardiovascular disease. Another study states that in a good relationship, participants were shown to have less anxiety, lower blood pressure and even a longer life. One of my favorite facts found on U.S. News says that when you’re in a happy relationship, you produce less of the stress hormone known as cortisol. Having less cortisol is better because this hormone works against the immune system, making you more prone to sickness and colds!

Yes, being in love prevents sickness.

But for all of us single ladies who may not have a love prospect to smooch under the mistletoe, don’t think we’re at any disadvantage. Although these studies focus on married couples, I think the overall message is this: as long as you are happy, you can be healthy.

Love comes in many forms and even if you don’t have yourself a honey bunny on a farm, you’ve got plenty of people in your life to love. Yes, your BFFs and your family can keep you healthy too. This season, I challenge you to focus on these more long term relationships. Forget about trying to find someone to kiss as the ball drops on New Year’s Eve and embrace the love you’ve already got in your life: the people who have been around you since day one (as opposed to the random guy who might not make it past 8am on January 1st). These are the people that can make us all healthy and happy.

As these studies have shown, love makes you feel awesome. Whether it’s with one person or with a big group of friends, love makes the world go round! And it keeps you healthier as it turns. But, who needs an article to tell you how great love feels? You don’t need a PhD to know that being in a great relationship makes you happy, bubbly and warm n’ fuzzy inside.

Instead of worrying about which hometown ex you’re going to snag for the holidays (because the stress will literally make you sick), focus on how much fun it’s going to not worry about any of that. Hit the mall with your  friends, snuggle up on the couch for some QT with the family, have a holiday cookie exchange with your high school besties – just spend time with the people you love.

You’ll feel better. Science says so!

How to have sex without regrets.

I can’t find one boyfriend, but he marries his 4th wife.

7 easy ways to get healthier.

College girls finally close the marriage gap.

Justin Bieber’s laser tag scandal.

Looks that should be left behind in college.

OMG. Michael Lohan. You’re the worst!

Just ANOTHER perk of having famous parents

Hangover cameos are the new rehab.

Yesterday, two years after Prop 8 – a proposition to ban gay marriage in California – was passed, Federal Judge Vaugh Walker released a 136-page document deeming the proposition unconstitutional. To say it was a big day for the gay and lesbian community in this country is an understatement. In fact, to say it was a big day for this very straight woman is an understatement, too.

Having been raised in a liberal household before attending an extremely liberal college, I literally cannot understand the idea of banning gay marriage. Say what you will about the whole “marriage is between a man and a woman” thing, making it illegal for a gay couple to get married is unfair, unjust and in opposition to the morals and ideals this country was built on.

America is (supposedly) a country that accepts all people, and that includes both straight and gay. We create laws to keep order and safety, but the law proposed by Prop 8 does neither. It is based on hatred, bigotry and ignorance. Will allowing gay couples to get married wreak havoc on our country? Are they more dangerous than straight couples? No and no.

Let’s be real: we have much larger issues to focus on in this country (um, the economy/the war/rebuilding New Orleans post Katrina…) than worrying about who is getting married. And it’s nice to see that someone with a voice has finally realized that too.

While we are still a ways away from having equal rights for the gay community, yesterday’s ruling gives me hope that one day – in my lifetime – we will live in a country that doesn’t ban gay couples from prom; doesn’t oppress millions of innocent people; gives everyone the right to love who they want to love, no questions asked; and has the (obviously fabulous) Neil Patrick Harris/David Burtka wedding televised.

I can’t wait for that day.