Yup, thanks to the genius and generous marketers at Mars Chocolate, we’ll all be jumping for joy real soon. The “Real Chocolate Relief Act” is here.

Starting this month, and continuing through September, the company will be doling out a quarter-million tasty treats on what they call “Free Chocolate Fridays.” ‘Free’ and ‘chocolate’ in the same sentence? Now that’s something to smile about.

Just register (in two seconds) here and wait for your mouthwatering coupon to arrive. Note: the coupon is not edible. DO NOT EAT THE COUPON. Instead, walk (or sprint) to the nearest drug store, bodega, gas station, etc. to pick out your very own FREE Snickers, Dove Bar, 3 Musketeers – whatever tasty treat you fantasize about (or am I the only one who daydreams about silky, smooth, cocoa-y goodness melting in my mouth?).

Oh, and more good news: this isn’t one of those one-time only things. You can request a coupon every Friday. So get out of bed, sign up for some free chocolate, and wipe that frown off your face. Tomorrow is the weekend and you can celebrate with free effing candy bars!

Life. is. good.

Let’s first discuss the implications of what it means to have a mini-Paris walking around. Ew, for one. But also, is this chick seriously trying to clone herself to be Nicole Ritchie? First, she hops on the Madden boy train, then onto their tour bus with them, then onto various TV shows where she claims he is the person she is going to marry, (because they’ve been together oh so long and all) and now she could potentially be knocked up?

I can just picture it now: little Paris Jr. walking around Beverly hills with a miniature Chihuahua, blonde hair swept to the side like mommy’s, fighting off photogs with her signature pose, that will be dubbed, “the mini-Pari”.

If that happens, I am moving to Mars.

Now, the alternative. Why is Hollywood so convinced that everyone in clothes that actually fit them properly – versus the tight, barely able to breathe ensembles – is packing a little munchkin in their tummy? Albeit Ashlee Simpson was with Wentz child after all (duh!), but not everyone is trying to hide something under their bohemian, flowing outfits. Maybe Paris is just trying out a new style, the same way she did with the butchered blonde bob she’s been trying to grow back since the disaster that was the haircut happened.

I’m going to hope for the latter on this one, for the sake of my sanity and the future of mankind. I can just see it now, Paris pops out a little Madden and looks deeply into her childs eyes and says, “You’re SO hot! Let me tell me about that time I was in the slammer!”

[photo courtesy of E! Online]