I have serious respect for Bravo’s Andy Cohen. He gets celebs to do crazy, awesome things on his show Watch What Happens Live. Like this. Did you ever think you’d hear the words “Martha Stewart” and “shotski” in the same sentence? I sure didn’t. But here it is. Photo evidence. This is a picture of Martha doing a shotski with Andy Cohen and Mark Consuelos on Andy’s show. The best part of it all is that Martha shared this photo on her own Facebook page. I can’t even handle the awesome.

Garnet is a student at Columbia University in New York City. She is “that person” who starts dancing at a party when everyone else is standing around, and if there were a Facebook stalking Olympics, she would be a gold medalist. She also loves cheesy 90s music, and almost died of happiness when Vanilla Ice retweeted her. Once. Follow her on Twitter.

Is Lady Gaga gonna pull a Heidi Montag?

Beautiful fashion that’s good for Mother Earth.

What happened to Bret Michaels?

WTF is Martha Stewart doin’ in a frat house?

Britney Spears is on nipple watch.

Another bar fight for Snooks?

Anderson Cooper saves lives.

Well this is just disturbing.

Does Jeremy Piven have a new lady friend?

Blame Corey and Topanga for your relationship ideals.

Tom Brady is one hot dad.

Will Kate Bosworth’s relationship last?

At least Scotland has the Edinburgh Festival; here in the States, August is the month where summer days go to die, and when poor little children have to put down their toys and go back to school.

BUT, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be all bad; we’re just going to make the best of it. And it’s really not hard. There’s lots goin’ on in August.  Like cheese? It’s National Goat Cheese Month. Wanna be like Tiger Woods? National Golf Month. Starting your own business? Home Business Month and National Inventors Month. August doesn’t have to be all bad.

Aug 1- MTV Debuted
On this day in 1981, music videos found their home on the instantly-popular, new music channel: MTV. As you know, they’ve expanded now to not only include music (or, should I say, not include music at all), but reality shows as well. Get your 15 seconds (or an entire season) of fame by being on the Real World, which is casting right now! Or if the 24/7 camera-in-the-face non-stop-drama lifestyle doesn’t appeal to you, then apply for Made or True Life, both of which have considerably less screaming and flashing.

Aug 2 – National Ice Cream Sandwich Day
Ok, these may not be in sandwich form, but custom-made, mix-your-own ice cream?! I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM.

Aug 12- Middle Children’s Day (who knew it existed? And does this mean us middle kids can finally get the love and attention we deserve?!)
Aug 13- International Left-Handers Day

Aug 15 - International Homeless Animals Day
Observed on the third Saturday of August every year, this day promotes the safety and well-being of animals, which you can be a part of by attending a vigil, or simply lighting a candle. Or, if you’re really feeling charitable, you can head to a local shelter and bring a puppy home! Those are allowed in the dorms, right?

Aug 19- Bill Clinton‘s birthday
Aug 21- Ramadan begins
Aug 22- Be An Angel Day (Do what you will with this one…)
Aug 24- Strange Music Day
Aug 26- National Dog Day
Aug 27- Mother Teresa’s birthday

Aug 28- Dream Day
Martin Luther King Jr. gave the “I Have a Dream” speech in 1963 and inspired the world to follow his example. Dare to dream.

Aug 31- National Trail Mix Day
Just like ice cream- mix your own at YouBar!

Of course, there is also the whole back to school thing, and while studying doesn’t sound like fun, Welcome Week does!

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing our favorite cupcake bakery, when we were choosing what to spend our tax refund on, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which annoying celebrity is more grating on our nerves, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis. We have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two celebs that continue to invade our lives, no matter how hard we try to avoid them: Rachael Ray and Tyra Banks. Who is makes us want to kill ourselves more? We wish we didn’t have to choose. Let’s break it down:

Career
Rachael Ray landed herself a show on the food network cooking thirty minute meals. She also wrote about cooking thirty minute meals several times. Honestly how many times can you find “new” way to make tacos in a timely manner? Apparently not enough because Rachael then came out with her own cooking magazine. If that wasn’t enough Rachael Ray, we can watch her talk show and Dunkin Donuts commercials as well.

Tyra Banks became a runway model as a teenager and made a career out of it early on. Runway shows, catalogs, TV modeling competitions… she even likes to think she is a fashion photographer. This chick has exhausted the modeling angle and we seem to eat it up. After Victoria’s Secret, Tyra decided to go back to her TV career and became a talk show host. Oh, and don’t tell me you forgot about her recurring role on The Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

Point: Rachael Ray. Rachael won by a magazine. I’m sure Tyra is throwing a tantrum to start her own magazine as we speak, but for now the over-exposure point goes to Rachael.

Talk Show
Rachael Ray likes to wake her guests up in the morning with the voice of a raspy menthol smoker. Seriously, someone needs to lay off the shouting and suck on a Luedens for a few. After a brief talk session, she nauseates her audience with the fresh smell of simmering chili. Why is this a morning show again?

Tyra Banks has a talk show as well, but Tyra mainly likes to talk about herself. No matter what her guests have done, Tyra can one-up them with a fun little anecdote. Homeless guests? Tyra will talk about the time she pretended to be homeless. Overweight guests? Tyra will put on a fat suit for a day and tell us about it. Big boobs? Tyra has bigger boobs. Don’t even try to go up against the hostess with the mostess.

Point: Tyra Banks. Tyra tries to do it all… and fails. You can’t have both! You are either a crazy guest, or a crazy host – never both!

Over-used Catch Phrase
Rachael Ray:
EVOO - Rachael used this gem so god-damn much it is now in the Oxford English Dictionary. I really wish I was joking.

Yum-o! – Why can’t we just say “yummy”? Is it really that different? Why Rachael, why?

Sammies - Once again, I ask why not sandwiches? It’s not that far off and saying the full word will still allow you to complete that meal in under 30 minutes. I really don’t like this cutesy abbreviation trend we have going here. She needs to be stopped.

Tyra Banks:
“Smile with your eyes”- I’m sorry, this can’t be done. We can look happy with our eyes or smile with our mouth, but one cannot smile with their eyes.

“Fierce!”- Not everything is fierce. Runway walking? Yes. Eating a hamburger? No, not fierce.

“I have two beautiful girls standing in front of me….“- We hear this every freaking episode. Enough! We get it, you like repetitive monologues. They are models, they are probably pretty, one has potential…you don’t need to keep saying it.

Point: Rachael Ray. Tyra may be repetitive (and batsh*t crazy), but Rachael is just plain irritating. Really? We need to abbreviate extra virgin olive oil? Oh wait, we need to explain our abbreviation, which defeats the point of an abbreviation? Well then, Rachael gets the point for most annoying catch phrase.

Photos
Rachael Ray posed for an FHM spread a few years ago. She tried to look sexy in a variety of shots where she licked a spoon, washed some dishes and cooked a turkey.

Tyra Banks made a career out of modeling. These days she seems to critique photos more than she poses for them.

Point: Rachael Ray. Both ladies like to ham it up, but maybe Rachael should leave it to the professionals (even if we do like seeing her vs. hearing her talk). Perhaps Tyra could help her find the light… or learn how to smile with those eyes.

Celebrity Idol
Rachael Ray wants to be the next Martha Stewart (give or take the waspy accent). She even has the magazine and television show to prove it. Maybe we’ll even see Rachael in jail sometime soon; that would be fun. She could talk about how much she misses EVOO and make 30 minute meals out of whatever gruel they serve in the clink.

Tyra Banks would love to take over for Oprah. She even has that excited yelling thing down. Little does Tyra know, there is only enough room in the talkshow town for one Oprah, and that one isn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Sorry Tyra.

Point: Tyra Banks. There is only one Oprah. Don’t even try.

Celebretard Prize: Rachael Ray

Forget Jesus. Kanye West is here!

Nicolette Sheridan – have you learned nothing from Britney?

We love when Justin Timberlake shows up on SNL.

Weekend gun scare at Princeton.

Real Housewife Gretchen to promote gold digging?

Martha Stewart’s dog killed in an explosion?!

Tom Cruise is even creepier than I thought.

Check out Britney back on stage.

Losing weight vs. gaining muscle. The truth is here.

Sorry, peeps. Amy Winehouse will not be coming to Coachella.

And one last link…because we had to.

“Americans for Prosperity” push their  no stimulus petition.

Martha Stewart doesn’t like your family and your clutter.

The science of smooching.

Westminster pups get the LOL effect.

Runway looks for under $100!

Got milk? Chris Brown doesn’t.

Crimped hair is back… I wish I were joking.

The Jolie-Pitt angels terrorize a hotel.

Katherine Heigl, and T.R Knight quit Grey’s. Say it ain’t so!

7 deadly dating sins and how to avoid them.

Who needs vitamins?

So, today is World Nude Day. Yeah, we wish we knew too; this sweater is really itchy, and we are pretty sure our professor would cancel all Friday classes if we’d shown up in our birthday suits. Apparently this “holiday” was started in New Zealand to celebrate the body in its natural state and we applaud that. Everyone should love their body and want to show it off to the world!

At the same time, though, there are plenty people in this world who we’d rather not celebrate with. And we think it’s pretty obvious why. Call us haters if you will, but would you want to bump into a nude Dick Cheney, or have to compare your body to a nude Beyonce? Yeah, we didn’t think so.

So what does this mean?

Chocolate every day? Check.

Cocktails? Check.

Cheese, chocolate cake, biscuits, avocado, whole milk, chips, and sorbets? Check, check, and check.

This “no-diet diet” allows you to enjoy the foods you love that are usually condemned by the common fad diets that we occassionally follow. Or try to follow, at least. But lemon water, cabbage soup, and a crate full of bananas just aren’t realistic methods of losing weight in the long run. Blum advises us to forget our traditional beliefs of what good foods and bad foods are, and focus on the nutritional qualities of each food instead.

On food:

Fat is good; we need cholesterol and certain saturated fats to make and regulate our hormones, so we can avoid depression and even cancer. Quality trumps quantity in importance, Blum stresses, so certain “fabulous fats” found in nuts, seeds, and olive oil should be ingested at every meal, while “frankenfats” such as those in low-fat, low-cholesterol spreads and margarines should be banned from your diet to ward off headaches and and joint aches. Eat egg yolks in conjunction with egg whites, and don’t say no to that little voice in your head that screams for a smear of hot butter on warm toast. Starchy foods like rice, beans, and corn are also good for you, as well as the occasional cocktail, as long as there’s no sugar.

On exercise:

Like most nutritionists, Blum says skipping meals is a big no, and exercising is a definite yes. But exercise should be considered “an opportunity, not a punishment,” so only do the things you really enjoy doing, like gardening, walking, or even pole dancing (for those of us who are a bit more risqué).

On sun:

You should also make sure you get at least 15 minutes of sun exposure at least three times a week for the vitamin D benefits, without sunscreen. This may alarm those who slather SPF 90 on themselves like   Martha Stewart slathers icing on a cake (and my dermatologist, to be sure), but Blum argues that most cancers are caused by lack of vitamin D.

On other stuff:

Other important nutrients include calcium, magnesium, primrose oil, borage oil, and milk thistle, all of which can be purchased as supplements to help suppress appetite and maintain healthy organ function (not to mention relieve those nasty PMS cramps).

Some foods are banned from the diet, however, including pasteurized milk, soy, white flour, and water drunk from plastic bottles.

So…will you try the no-diet diet? Or is it a no-go for you?

Britney Spears is “in jail.“

Stripper sues strip club for age discrimination

A Straight Answer to frizz

Everything you need to know about applying flawless makeup.

Dress to impress on the job!

Snoop Dog on The Martha Stewart Show

Johnny Depp will act for more clown makeup

I know why the caged Housewife sings.

The Amy Winehouse situation is getting despaerate.