I used to think there was nothing worse than going downtown on a drunk guy. He thinks he’s being all sexy and just shoves your head south (which, we all know, is the opposite of sexy), and then your feet fall asleep as you crouch down there trying to get something to happen. Which doesn’t. Because homeboy thought it would be fun to chug whiskey out of the bottle.

But I was wrong. There is something worse. Way worse. And his name is Masanobu Sato.

Not familiar with Mr. Sato? Well, you should be. This guy just won the 9th annual Masturbate-A-Thon. Yes, that really exists. And yes, Masanobu lasted a full 9 hours and 58 minutes.

Nine hours and fifty eight minutes! Of masturbating. Sato set the world record last year -a paltry 9 hours and 33 minutes- but beat it (pun intended) this year with a little extra training. For real. Apparently he worked long and hard (tee hee) to build up his endurance. Whoever said “no pain, no gain” was obviously not training for this sort of event.

But with all that glory comes a price. That poor guy is never gonna get laid – just imagine what your neck would feel like after a night (and day) in bed with him. I’ll stick to my drunk guys, thankyouverymuch.