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Hookup Confessions: I farted in front of my crush and entire gym class

Like most women, I get a little horny sometimes. (And like all women, I wish there were a less disgusting term to use to describe that phenomenon.) The fact is, I have needs and it gets a little old to be using a battery operated machine to fulfill them all the time. I love my vibrator, but it can’t cuddle with me, or play with my hair, or tell me how hot I look thanks to all those grueling Sunday morning boot camps.

And the longer I’m single (which is a long, LONG time – the closest thing I’ve had in the past 3 years was a guy I was dating for 2 months who broke it off with me via email…and called me the wrong name), the more I’m inclined to get into a Friends With Benefits relationship.

But I’m not sure I should really let my hormones make any decisions for me. Lord knows that doesn’t work out when I’m PMSing and those bitches tell me to eat an entire pizza…and dip it in ranch dressing.

Needless to say, I’m torn.

Love It:
Let’s be honest – we all want a relationship, but sometimes that relationship doesn’t happen and we’re left all by our lonesome. That means no consistent booty, which makes the #1 benefit of an FWB “Booty on Demand.” I am a twenty-something woman and I have needs. Needs that are only intensified when Ketel One is coursing through my veins. The fact that I can dial for booty is incredibly enticing. No more going home alone and scouring the house for batteries; just a simple “wanna come over?” text and I’m halfway to pleasure-ville.

But even more than the actual sexy time, an FWB is fun and exciting. It’s someone to think about when lecture gets boring, someone to flirt and play games with, and someone you are comfortable enough with to try new things. And it’s just someone else to hang out with when all your girlfriends are having date night with their super serious boyfriends and there is nothing to watch on TV.

Loathe It:
Well, duh, someone always ends up getting hurt. No matter how much you both try to (or convince yourselves) that this is a no-strings-attached sitch, there are strings. And they are attached. Maybe not on an “I love you” level, but in a “you are supposed to be my FWB, I am not going to share you!” sort of way.

And then there’s the fact that instead of going out and meeting new guys who could be actual boyf material, you are leaving the bar early to get naked with someone who will never commit to you. You’re wasting your time and skills on someone who will never give you what you ultimately want/need, which is someone who calls you before midnight when they aren’t elbow deep in Bud Light.

But then there’s that little horny devil on your shoulder telling you to ignore all that ish and get thee an FWB.
Sigh.
Is there really a right answer here?!

Like most people out there, I love and thoroughly enjoy a good orgasm. Honestly, who doesn’t?

Apparently, a lot of people. Cuz they’re not having ‘em.

I’ve had countless friends tell me that despite all the sex they’re having, they’ve yet to show their O face. And statistics show that around 43% of women have not experienced the pleasure of the big O.

How can this be?! There is an orgasm epidemic out there and I feel like I must do my part to put an end to this madness! I know I’m no doctor with a fancy PH.D, but I am a twenty-something woman who has (thankfully) gotten off enough to say a thing or two about the female orgasm. So here are a few steps that will lead you to pleasuretown (population: you!).

1. Get Comfortable: The first step may be the simplest. You just have to learn how to be 100% comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. Orgasms only come after you’re at a point where you can relax and let the sensations (or hot man) take over. How to reach a good comfort level? Get a tan or catch some rays. Grab a hand mirror and explore your southern territories. Keep a journal and be honest with yourself. You just have to find a way to feel beautiful and love yourself first.

2. Self-stimulation: Yes ladies, I’m talking about good ol’ masturbation. After all, why would anyone else want to have sex with you, if you don’t want to have sex with yourself? Grab a vibrator or turn on a naughty flick if you need the extra help.

3. Downward Dog It: Practice your yoga, ladies! You’ll learn a ton of positions such as lotus, downward dog, and crane. These will not only lead to a healthy, happier you, but they will also make you limber. Improved flexibility will allow you to explore more advanced sex positions that often lead to intensified orgasms.

4. Find a Mr. McSteamy: This one is pretty self-explanatory. But a little FYI: for many women, the more emotionally intimate you are with a sex partner, the more deep and intense the orgasm. Don’t expect Mr. Let’s Go Back to My Place For a Wham Bam Thank You Maam to give you your first O.

5. Speak Up: Who knows your body better than you do? No one. Well, at least not until you tell them. Be vocal with your partner if you’ve been sexing it up without any grand finale. Tell them, show them! Just let them know what feels good and what you enjoy the best.

So if you’re one of the 43% that hasn’t O’ed yet, don’t worry. Follow some of these steps and hopefully you’ll have the toe-curling event that we all deserve.

Or, that’s what I would be saying if I was a dude upon learning about rubbot.com and their plans to design a revolutionary new sex toy aimed at men.

Hands-free orgasms! It’s like having a girlfriend — minus the girl! Which, depending on who you ask, isn’t always a bad thing.

The design kind of reminds me of those water snakes I had as a kid. They fold into themselves and move very fluidly…much like…genitals? Perfect! This is called the “Inch Worm Effect” and is effective at getting dudes off. And fast.

The guys behind Rubbot are looking for beta-testers too! Know a guy who’s in a rut? Be a pal and send the info along…at least you won’t have to hear about he’s not getting any for awhile.

Now, I’m not here telling you girls about this miraculous invention because your boyfriend needs one (although if you want to buy one for the two of you…more power to you!). At the risk of sounding like a brain-dead sex obsessive, I just feel that, much like taking a look though your guy’s porn collection, it’s important to know what makes him happy when you’re not around.

So when you are? He’s a little more than happy.