So here we go, talking about the big bad world of MASTURBATION.

I know, it’s something most people don’t discuss freely and definitely don’t admit to trying or doing. But why is it so on the hush-hush!  We know it’s common thing, so why are we so embarrassed or nervous to talk about it? Well, for all of those out there who are too afraid to even type it into Google for fear it will show up in their histories, I’ve done the “dirty work” for you (pun sorta intended, just kidding, THIS IS NOT A DIRTY TOPIC!). Here are the 7 most absurd myths of masturbation.  Let’s hope that by the time you’re done reading these, your fears about masturbation will disappear, or at least your fears about discussing it will…

initiating the gallery...

[Lead image via Jochen Schoenfeld/Shutterstock]

Everyone does it. Okay, maybe not everyone–I do have a few friends who think it’s weird to masturbate. Which I think is really weird. Masturbation is a crucial part to having better sex. If you don’t know your own body and what you like, how can you hope to instruct someone else? Maybe you’re a lucky one and only sleep with sex gods, but the rest of us are sometimes required to offer constructive criticism suggestions. Not great at masturbation? Maybe you’re new to the game? The Frisky has 9 tips to make it an all together better experience. Read the full story here.

Will we see Kanye and Kim’s relationship on the next season of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians?’ According to the media, they do almost everything together, so it’s hard to imagine him not making an appearance on the show. We just hope she learned her lesson from the Kris Humphries debacle! TMZ spoke to some insiders to find out what all from their relationship will be aired on the show. You know, on the rare occasions the tabloids miss something. Read the full story here.

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Freshman year. That incredibly awkward time when so many of us had to move in and share a tiny space with a complete stranger. You thought you were gaining all this freedom and independence by moving out of your parents’ house, until you discovered that living with a roommate can get really weird. My freshman year, everybody pitied the poor souls who got “sexiled.” You know, the people whose roommates kicked them out so they could have sex. But this video proves that for some people, getting sexiled isn’t the biggest roommate problem. According to the Fung Brothers and their video “Wanking In The Dorm Room,” the toughest part of sharing a room is finding the time alone to masturbate. In the first few minutes, this video is funny and relatable. And then it gets really, really weird. Check it out and you’ll see what I mean.

Garnet is a student at Columbia University in New York City. She is “that person” who starts dancing at a party when everyone else is standing around, and if there were a Facebook stalking Olympics, she would be a gold medalist. She also loves cheesy 90s music, and almost died of happiness when Vanilla Ice retweeted her. Once. Follow her on Twitter @garnethenderson.

It’s that time of year where we all take stock of our lives, realize we’re hot messes and resolve to change our behavior…for about two weeks. Because while eating healthier, working out more and generally being a more mature person are worthy aspirations that we should all work towards, we would be remiss if we failed to acknowledge that our sex lives could always use a little work. Whether you’re having sex daily, every six months or not at all, with a long-term partner, a FWB, or a one night stand, there is always room to grow and have better experiences.  I mean, if the apocalypse or whatever really is next December, I need to go out knowing that I had the sexiest year to date, so next year, I want to do the following…

1. Stop feeling guilty about my preferences.
Sometimes I’m not in the mood. Sometimes I don’t want to be on top. Sometimes I just want to lay there and enjoy it. Sometimes I want Rihanna playing in the background. It’s totally okay for me to be selfish sometimes, because while, yes, pleasing my partner is important, so is taking my own pleasure into account. This is definitely a balancing act I don’t have down yet.

2. Take advantage of my balcony. 
It would be absolutely criminal to not take an opportunity to have a romantic romp or a tawdry quickie on my private, 18th floor balcony.

3. Try some of the Kama Sutra
I’ve never really been interested in it because I always associated it with bored middle-aged people desperate to revitalize their long-dormant sex lives (ie: not at all arousing). But there must be a reason why this tradition has endured thousands of years.

4. Explore sex toys.
I finally procured my first vibrator this year, but I have yet to be inspired to use it. But I’m definitely interested in trying to enjoy masturbation, and this is the next step that I plan to take.

5. Stop comparing myself to porn stars. 
Occasionally I watch porn with the boytoy, and while occasionally I am inspired to try something new, many times I find myself in a serious inferiority matrix and I start beating myself up for not being as aggressive, or enthusiastic, or as capable as the women in the pornos. I know this is completely irrational – even the “amateurs” are professionals, and I know that I do the best that I can, and am objectively pretty good at it,  but I still find myself getting bummed out about it, and it’s not at all productive.

6. Have fun.
If you regularly read my column, you may have picked up on the fact that I can get really caught up in the political aspect of fornication — the gender roles,  society’s general sex-negativity, all the ways in which sex can go wrong — which sometimes I forget to relax and just enjoy the fact that I am regularly have safe, consensual sex with someone who cares about and respects me.

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Every once in awhile, I’ll hear dudes lament how handjobs became obsolete past high school. It’s true enough, I suppose. At some point, oral and intercourse replaced the handy. In theory, I totally understand why some dudes miss the HJ – I still enjoy a good fingerbang probably more often than is “normal” for someone over the age of 17. But I refuse to do my part to bring handjobs back. Occasionally, my boyfriend asks for one, and I’ll oblige, very reluctantly. But honestly, they suck. And here’s why…

They’re hard work.
Blow jobs have the reputation for being arduous, but either my hands/wrists are weak, or my mouth is unusually strong. Seriously, within minutes of commencing a HJ, my hand starts cramping, my wrist gets sore and I’m not mentally engaged enough to want to continue. I can’t help but look around the room, think of my grocery list and wonder if Ryan Gosling asks his ladies to endure such torture.

Guys don’t seem to enjoy them that much.
I’m sure well-lubricated strokes are pleasurable (hence why I use my hands during a blowie), but I have never seen a guy have the same kind of glazed over, semi-comatose, “I-saw-Jesus-even-though-I’m-Buddhist,” completely and utterly blissed out look they get during oral. BJs are way more intense, and the payoff is far bigger.

They’re messy.
I’m a swallower. It is a lot easier to do that when I’m already down there, as opposed to having to time it so that everything gets in my mouth instead of on him, the sheets, the ceiling, the floor…you get the picture.

Guys already do it themselves.
Part of the reason why I enjoy a good fingerbang is because I have a less than stellar relationship with penetrating myself, so when a guy manually stimulates me, it’s a totally different sensation than I’m used to. Whereas guys generally create a tight bond between their hand and their penis, and they know exactly what they like and can execute it better than any outsider.

They’re awkward.
Maybe it’s because they’re so strongly associated with adolescence, but every time I do it, I completely lose the sexual confidence I’ve been building up over the years, and I feel insecure, inexperienced and utterly juvenile.

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I remember the very first time I masturbated. I was 15. I had the house to myself, and Britney’s In The Zone album had been out for a few months. She had a song dedicated to masturbation, and I thought it was so awesome and sexy, and I felt so empowered, and I made my first time an event. I was freshly showered. I laid in bed, put “Touch Of My Hand” on repeat. I took deep breaths, relaxed myself and started exploring. At first, I was excited about the foreign nature of what I was doing. I low-key hated my vagina for 4-5 days a month, and the rest of the time, I ignored it.

So it was an interesting experience to actively take pleasure in my body. This feeling of euphoria lasted for all of 2 minutes. Then I started getting bored. So I sped up the pace. And still, nothing. I didn’t feel anything, at all. It was almost like my vag had gone numb. I knew that I could be aroused – I had steamy fantasies about Adam Brody and whatever boy from school had attracted my attention that week. But self-love? Bo-ring.

When I got to college, I met some women who were pretty open about their sexual proclivities. And all of them mentioned how much they loved masturbating. I’ve even googled “female masturbation techniques” to incorporate new tricks into my bag, and still, it wasn’t that pleasurable. By the time I was 19, I had experience with being fingered by guys, and I knew that I didn’t need more than a hand to give me an orgasm. To this day, even though I absolutely adore sexual intercourse, nothing makes me come faster than a good old-fashion fingerbang.

I realized that masturbation was never going to be my cup of tea because part of what makes sex so great for me is the connection with another person. Letting someone else in, knowing that they are interested in getting me aroused…I find that beyond sexy. I love that look that all of my partners have had, that look when they’re totally focused on me and I can tell that they’re aroused by how titillated I am…that’s absolutely integral to my sexual gratification. I used to feel really uncomfortable about this. I thought I was almost…degrading myself, by, in a way, relinquishing my sexual agency to others. But at the end of the day, that is what I’m comfortable with, and knowing what I want and adhering to it is way less degrading than engaging in activity that I don’t even particularly enjoy just so I don’t feel left out.

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Did you know that in addition to being Asparagus Month and National BBQ Month, May is also National Masturbation Month? Yes, there is an entire month dedicated to doing the act solo (potentially with BBQ sauce and asparagus spears). National Masturbation Month was started by Good Vibrations (a sex store) in 1995 as a way to protest the firing of U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders, who had suggested that masturbation be part of sex education.

It’s always National Masturbation Month in my world, but to celebrate the actual month, I’m going to go into my room and lock the door, I thought I’d share a few fun facts about spanking the monkey with you.

So let’s get down and dirty:

- 89% of women admit to masturbating.

- 4 out of 10 women prefer masturbation over sex.

- Studies suggest masturbation may be good for you.Cervical infections might be reduced with frequent personal stimulation. Also, masturbation has been proven to be a great form of stress relief, a mood booster, a natural sleep sedative, a chronic pain reliever (like those debilitating cramps) and a natural energy booster (take that, Red Bull!).

- Female porcupines have been witnessed using wooden sticks to masturbate.

- 48% of women masturbate once a week and 22% masturbate daily.

- 53% of women and 17% of men use vibrators to masturbate.

- Contrary to popular belief, vibrators do not desensitize you, no matter how often you use them.

- At this very moment, 797,151 Americans are masturbating. That’s more people than the entire population of Alaska

- Who holds the World Record for masturbating the longest? Masanobu Sato who lasted 9 hours and 58 minutes in San Francisco’s 2009 Maturbate-a-thon. (Yes, that’s a real thing and yes, that’s totally absurd.)

Even in 2011, masturbation is still one those dirty little secrets most people tuck away into their closets (behind that ugly cat sweater their grandmother bought them for Christmas) but it shouldn’t be! Now, I’m not telling you to go all Eve Ensler and proclaim how much you love your woman self all day, but I am saying that you shouldn’t be embarrassed of having a little solo fun. Or a lot of solo fun.

Especially for such an important national holiday.