It’s that time of year where we all take stock of our lives, realize we’re hot messes and resolve to change our behavior…for about two weeks. Because while eating healthier, working out more and generally being a more mature person are worthy aspirations that we should all work towards, we would be remiss if we failed to acknowledge that our sex lives could always use a little work. Whether you’re having sex daily, every six months or not at all, with a long-term partner, a FWB, or a one night stand, there is always room to grow and have better experiences.  I mean, if the apocalypse or whatever really is next December, I need to go out knowing that I had the sexiest year to date, so next year, I want to do the following…

1. Stop feeling guilty about my preferences.
Sometimes I’m not in the mood. Sometimes I don’t want to be on top. Sometimes I just want to lay there and enjoy it. Sometimes I want Rihanna playing in the background. It’s totally okay for me to be selfish sometimes, because while, yes, pleasing my partner is important, so is taking my own pleasure into account. This is definitely a balancing act I don’t have down yet.

2. Take advantage of my balcony. 
It would be absolutely criminal to not take an opportunity to have a romantic romp or a tawdry quickie on my private, 18th floor balcony.

3. Try some of the Kama Sutra
I’ve never really been interested in it because I always associated it with bored middle-aged people desperate to revitalize their long-dormant sex lives (ie: not at all arousing). But there must be a reason why this tradition has endured thousands of years.

4. Explore sex toys.
I finally procured my first vibrator this year, but I have yet to be inspired to use it. But I’m definitely interested in trying to enjoy masturbation, and this is the next step that I plan to take.

5. Stop comparing myself to porn stars. 
Occasionally I watch porn with the boytoy, and while occasionally I am inspired to try something new, many times I find myself in a serious inferiority matrix and I start beating myself up for not being as aggressive, or enthusiastic, or as capable as the women in the pornos. I know this is completely irrational – even the “amateurs” are professionals, and I know that I do the best that I can, and am objectively pretty good at it,  but I still find myself getting bummed out about it, and it’s not at all productive.

6. Have fun.
If you regularly read my column, you may have picked up on the fact that I can get really caught up in the political aspect of fornication — the gender roles,  society’s general sex-negativity, all the ways in which sex can go wrong — which sometimes I forget to relax and just enjoy the fact that I am regularly have safe, consensual sex with someone who cares about and respects me.

What are your sexy New Year’s resolutions for 2012?

Every once in awhile, I’ll hear dudes lament how handjobs became obsolete past high school. It’s true enough, I suppose. At some point, oral and intercourse replaced the handy. In theory, I totally understand why some dudes miss the HJ – I still enjoy a good fingerbang probably more often than is “normal” for someone over the age of 17. But I refuse to do my part to bring handjobs back. Occasionally, my boyfriend asks for one, and I’ll oblige, very reluctantly. But honestly, they suck. And here’s why…

They’re hard work.
Blow jobs have the reputation for being arduous, but either my hands/wrists are weak, or my mouth is unusually strong. Seriously, within minutes of commencing a HJ, my hand starts cramping, my wrist gets sore and I’m not mentally engaged enough to want to continue. I can’t help but look around the room, think of my grocery list and wonder if Ryan Gosling asks his ladies to endure such torture.

Guys don’t seem to enjoy them that much.
I’m sure well-lubricated strokes are pleasurable (hence why I use my hands during a blowie), but I have never seen a guy have the same kind of glazed over, semi-comatose, “I-saw-Jesus-even-though-I’m-Buddhist,” completely and utterly blissed out look they get during oral. BJs are way more intense, and the payoff is far bigger.

They’re messy.
I’m a swallower. It is a lot easier to do that when I’m already down there, as opposed to having to time it so that everything gets in my mouth instead of on him, the sheets, the ceiling, the floor…you get the picture.

Guys already do it themselves.
Part of the reason why I enjoy a good fingerbang is because I have a less than stellar relationship with penetrating myself, so when a guy manually stimulates me, it’s a totally different sensation than I’m used to. Whereas guys generally create a tight bond between their hand and their penis, and they know exactly what they like and can execute it better than any outsider.

They’re awkward.
Maybe it’s because they’re so strongly associated with adolescence, but every time I do it, I completely lose the sexual confidence I’ve been building up over the years, and I feel insecure, inexperienced and utterly juvenile.

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I remember the very first time I masturbated. I was 15. I had the house to myself, and Britney’s In The Zone album had been out for a few months. She had a song dedicated to masturbation, and I thought it was so awesome and sexy, and I felt so empowered, and I made my first time an event. I was freshly showered. I laid in bed, put “Touch Of My Hand” on repeat. I took deep breaths, relaxed myself and started exploring. At first, I was excited about the foreign nature of what I was doing. I low-key hated my vagina for 4-5 days a month, and the rest of the time, I ignored it.

So it was an interesting experience to actively take pleasure in my body. This feeling of euphoria lasted for all of 2 minutes. Then I started getting bored. So I sped up the pace. And still, nothing. I didn’t feel anything, at all. It was almost like my vag had gone numb. I knew that I could be aroused – I had steamy fantasies about Adam Brody and whatever boy from school had attracted my attention that week. But self-love? Bo-ring.

When I got to college, I met some women who were pretty open about their sexual proclivities. And all of them mentioned how much they loved masturbating. I’ve even googled “female masturbation techniques” to incorporate new tricks into my bag, and still, it wasn’t that pleasurable. By the time I was 19, I had experience with being fingered by guys, and I knew that I didn’t need more than a hand to give me an orgasm. To this day, even though I absolutely adore sexual intercourse, nothing makes me come faster than a good old-fashion fingerbang.

I realized that masturbation was never going to be my cup of tea because part of what makes sex so great for me is the connection with another person. Letting someone else in, knowing that they are interested in getting me aroused…I find that beyond sexy. I love that look that all of my partners have had, that look when they’re totally focused on me and I can tell that they’re aroused by how titillated I am…that’s absolutely integral to my sexual gratification. I used to feel really uncomfortable about this. I thought I was almost…degrading myself, by, in a way, relinquishing my sexual agency to others. But at the end of the day, that is what I’m comfortable with, and knowing what I want and adhering to it is way less degrading than engaging in activity that I don’t even particularly enjoy just so I don’t feel left out.

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Did you know that in addition to being Asparagus Month and National BBQ Month, May is also National Masturbation Month? Yes, there is an entire month dedicated to doing the act solo (potentially with BBQ sauce and asparagus spears). National Masturbation Month was started by Good Vibrations (a sex store) in 1995 as a way to protest the firing of U.S. Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders, who had suggested that masturbation be part of sex education.

It’s always National Masturbation Month in my world, but to celebrate the actual month, I’m going to go into my room and lock the door, I thought I’d share a few fun facts about spanking the monkey with you.

So let’s get down and dirty:

- 89% of women admit to masturbating.

- 4 out of 10 women prefer masturbation over sex.

- Studies suggest masturbation may be good for you.Cervical infections might be reduced with frequent personal stimulation. Also, masturbation has been proven to be a great form of stress relief, a mood booster, a natural sleep sedative, a chronic pain reliever (like those debilitating cramps) and a natural energy booster (take that, Red Bull!).

- Female porcupines have been witnessed using wooden sticks to masturbate.

- 48% of women masturbate once a week and 22% masturbate daily.

- 53% of women and 17% of men use vibrators to masturbate.

- Contrary to popular belief, vibrators do not desensitize you, no matter how often you use them.

- At this very moment, 797,151 Americans are masturbating. That’s more people than the entire population of Alaska

- Who holds the World Record for masturbating the longest? Masanobu Sato who lasted 9 hours and 58 minutes in San Francisco’s 2009 Maturbate-a-thon. (Yes, that’s a real thing and yes, that’s totally absurd.)

Even in 2011, masturbation is still one those dirty little secrets most people tuck away into their closets (behind that ugly cat sweater their grandmother bought them for Christmas) but it shouldn’t be! Now, I’m not telling you to go all Eve Ensler and proclaim how much you love your woman self all day, but I am saying that you shouldn’t be embarrassed of having a little solo fun. Or a lot of solo fun.

Especially for such an important national holiday.

[He Said/She Said is a series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

Benjamin Franklin once said (I know, I can’t believe I’m quoting Benjamin Franklin either) “Nothing is certain but death and taxes.” B. Frank was a smart man and he made a good point, but I’d like to add one more certainty to that list: confusion from the male gender.

It’s no secret that guys confuse us. If they didn’t, we wouldn’t need The Dude to explain them to us, or the entire relationship self-help aisle at Barnes and Noble. We wouldn’t spend hours trying to decipher what they meant in that last text message or find a way to ask every single person we knew why he’d ask to walk us home and then never call again. We’d all be blissfully happy and problem-free with our long-term boyfriends who are open, honest and straightforward.

But, alas, as great as some guys may be, they are still incredibly mysterious creatures that continually find new ways to confuse the the sh*t out of us. (Well, not literally. I’m not even sure that’s possible.) And while every day brings more confusion, there are 7 main things about guys I’ll never understand.

1. How they can masturbate so often: I’m not against a little self-stimulation, but I can’t even begin to wrap my head around how frequently guys take matters into their own hands. Literally. Like most ladies, I need to be in a certain mood in order to benefit from masturbation, but guys? They do it when they’re bored, when they’ve got nothing else to do, when they have the rooms to themselves, when they’re studying, when their favorite team scores. Like, seriously, doesn’t it ever get boring!?

2. How they can take everything so literally. When I tell my boyfriend that everything is “fine” and that “sure, I don’t care if you don’t come over and take care of me when I’m sick in bed so you can go play basketball with your friends,” does he genuinely take that at face value and believe it, or is that simply a conscious defense mechanism to rid him of any guilt or wrong-doing?

3. The obsession with girl on girl. Really, it’s cliche and it’s been done. And I just don’t get why it’s the ultimate guy fantasy; I mean, it’s not like they’re inviting the guys to join in.

4. Why they say one thing and do another. If you’re not going to call, DON’T. But don’t try to ease your guilt or delay the bad news by lying to me. How do guys not understand that it makes things worse? I’d rather know now then sit around and wait by the phone for a call that is never going to come. Grow some balls, show me some respect and just say what you mean. Isn’t that what guys do?

5. The pride issue. Asking for help doesn’t make you less of a man. Either does being vulnerable, admitting you’re wrong, or wanting to be in a relationship instead of boning everyone with two legs and a vagina. It’s 2011, so why must guys still play into this whole “macho man” role? It’s pathetic.

6. Their detailed knowledge of arbitrary sports stats. Like yards rushed or batting average or total points in a game….from 1989. How the hell do they retain all of that!?

7. The penis: How do you sit with that thing? Or run? Or walk? What does it feel like to have something just…hanging out down there? I just really don’t understand it.

Now, to be fair, guys aren’t the only ones to blame. Anyone with a pulse knows that we ladies aren’t the easiest people to decipher. Let’s see what we’re doing to boggle the minds of men on CoedMagazine.

You’ve already learned that social media may be amplifying the fact women prefer men that aren’t entirely interested in them, but did you know it’s also impacting the length of your relationships? It’s true! According to OK Trends, on average, the relationships of Twitter users are shorter than those of non-tweeters.

While for 18-year-olds there is only a two-week time difference between tweeps and non-tweeps, the varying length in relationship time is amplified as users get older. For all us college Tweeters, our relationships last, on average, a month less than those without a Twitter handle. OK, so that month may not seem like a long time, but it’s significant when you think about the WHY.

Do you really want to know your relationship ended over a series of 140-character status updates? That’s….tragic; just ask John Mayer.

Does this mean you should delete your Twitter account when you’re entering a new relationship? Probably not. What you should do is avoid tweeting excessively when you’re out with anyone, and not update people on the intimate deals of your love life. Seems like a no-brainer, sure, but if this study is any indication, some people need to be reminded.

Other interesting things to know?

1. Twitter users masturbate more. Although, that might have little to do with being turned on by the Twitter bird and more to do with the fact that they have an extra month of single-ness to contend with.

2. Facebook is also a problem. Apparently Facebook is being cited by lawyers in a growing number of divorce cases. Yes, not only can what you post on Facebook impact your employability, but it can also be held against you in a divorce case. While for most college girls this isn’t the case now (or so I hope), that picture of you pulling a Miley can come back to haunt you and your happily ever after.

So what should we all take from this? How about a reminder to step away from the computer and live our lives in real life. Social networking is all fun and games…. until that little broken heart shows up in your newsfeed.

Question?! Floop it. Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I recently lost my virginity about a month ago. I’ve had sex a couple times with this guy (we’re dating) and I’m always on the bottom. What do I do while he’s…going into me? I always feel bad because I’m just lying there while he’s going at it pretty hard. I haven’t tried anything because I don’t really want make a mistake and be embarrassed or something. What should I do? This is probably a little awkward to give me tips so if you could me some helpful links that would be so helpful.

Thanks,
Ex-Virgin

Dear Ex-Virgin,
Welp, you came to the right place. Because Aunt Tuffy ain’t givin’ you no helpful links. (Well, okay, I will. But first:) Aunt Tuffy gonna give you some school.

The first rule of ex-virgin club is, you do not talk about ex-virgin club.

Wait, scratch that. It’s the opposite. The first rule of ex-virgin club is, you better be the floop able to talk about it.

Didn’t your momma ever tell you?! IF YOU CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT, DON’T DO IT. In other words, you shouldn’t be effing some guy you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex with. I mean, you’re letting him put his hooho in your hooha. Penis, okay?! SAY PENIS. IF YOU CAN’T SAY PENIS, STOP HAVING SEX.

But, let’s assume you CAN say penis. (SAY IT. He he. Made you say penis.) If you CAN say penis, then you can ask him what he likes. And if you ask him what he likes, chances are, he will tell you. And sex will get much more awesome.

Furthermore, once you’ve gotten up the courage to ask him what HE likes, you can most certainly get up the courage to tell him what YOU like. And then sex will get awesomer yet.

The two of you need to get into a groove, to understand each other’s bodies and what each of you like and don’t like. Try different positions (missionary [him on top], you on top, etc.–here are some good ones from Cosmo) and try to notice what feels good for you. Also try to notice what turns him on more. Are there overlaps?! Chances are, there are many overlaps. Note those things. Repeat ‘em.

But maybe you don’t know what you like. I mean, after all, you are a very recent addition to the ex-virgin club.

The best way to get to know what you like is to masturbate. You can do this with your fingers or a toy. If you use a toy, definitely use lube and make sure the toy is clean and intended for sexual use. Explore your body. You’ll figure out what feels good and what doesn’t.

Porn is another good helper. I mean, most of the stuff they do is crazy. But every now and then, you might find something that looks like fun to try. Or you might just find some good fantasy material. Either way, pretty good deal.

And, um, if you’re too embarrassed to even think about either of the above, you’re not ready to be having sex.

Look, girl. Here’s the truth:

The most important thing that you need to do during sex is to be in the moment. Stop worrying about what he’s thinking. TRUST ME. BOY AIN’T THINKING A DAMN THING. (And if you don’t believe me, maybe you’ll believe a dude.)He’s feeling lucky he gets to eff you. Just relax and have a good time.

Oh, and, please. USE PROTECTION. Because you know what’s not a good time?! Unwanted pregnancies and STDs. CONDOMS EVERY SINGLE TIME. Or else. For real.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Want more tough love? Get it.]

Speechless. Absolutely speechless.