Move over, Patti. There's a new matchmaker in town.

We all know that relationships don’t last long in Hollywood.  Could it be because celebrities are completely blind to their perfect matches?  You can’t let things like addictions and insane exes get in your way of true love, guys!

Here at College Candy, we’ve scoured the internet, read through all the tabloids, and racked our brains for the most perfect star-studded couples.  Using a highly-scientific method, we’ve taken various criteria into account – hot-mess status, history of violence, etc.- and calculated the most compatible romantic matches.  Take a look at who’s no longer on the market!

Spencer Pratt and Kelly Bensimon

Between The Hills and Real Housewives of New York, these two bring the crazy coast to coast.  Am I the only one wondering why King Spencer hasn’t found his queen in Kelly?  Imagine the insane conversations!  They would just babble on and on and talk over one another until next thing you knew, healing crystals were flying across the room and they fell to the floor having passionate, angry sex.

Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne

One word: LiloWayne.  Great celebrity nickname or greatest celebrity nickname?  Just picture it- their eyes meet across the jail cafeteria, sparks fly (or perhaps that was a stray bullet), and before you know it they’re running from the law hand in hand.  Post-incarceration they’ll shun conformity, opting instead to continue in their boozy, drug-addled ways.  It’s a modern day Bonnie and Clyde, what romance!

Kate Gosselin and Jake Pavelka

I can see this either going really, really well or oh-so horribly wrong.  They’re both control freaks, that we know.  But they’re also fame whores who claim to value family and respect and love above all else. Thanksgivings would be off the charts- kids running everywhere dismantling the house, Vienna sobbing over the phone, Jon busting in with three underage girlfriends.  Kate and Jake can go hide in the pantry, binge eating animal crackers and fake cursing.  Gosh darn gee wiz!

Denise Richards and Scott Disick

Uh, he’s gotta be a better dad than Charlie Sheen, right?  Denise and Scott can commiserate on how they barely made it out of abusive relationships- physically with Charlie, emotionally with Mama Kardashian.  And I say barely because I believe Scott was briefly forced into employment for a period of time…thankfully that didn’t stick.  Now they can bask in the flash of the cameras while they gallivant down Rodeo Drive spending their settlement money.

John Stamos and Miley Cyrus

He likes the youngins, she has no concept of what is or isn’t appropriate behavior for a seventeen year-old.  Sure, Uncle Jesse is old enough to be Hannah Montana’s father.  Think it’ll matter to anyone?  If the feds question the legality of this match-up, her parents will say, “She’s just being Miley!”

Chelsea Handler and Big Black

But only if they can adopt the chain smoking Indonesian baby.

Johnny Weir and Tim Gunn

Ohmigod, can you just imagine the outfits!  Johnny needs someone to detox him from glitter and Tim would do well to let loose a bit.  Once they worked their magic on one another, it would be a hysterical, fashion-forward pairing.  And the wedding, don’t even get me started on all the possibilities.  Heidi as best man!  That strict German skating coach as officiant!  I need to sit down for this…

The Rabbi’s argument was that Patti’s club is superficial and that if it is exclusive to millionaires, then those who join the club are essentially marrying for money, and not for any of the “right” reasons.  Patti defended herself insisting that her services provide men with the tools they need to have a successful relationship, and provide women with the comfort of knowing that their potential mate will be able to give them a safe and secure life if a match is made.

My first thought: If only this were the topic of discussion on the Bimah at my own Bat Mitzvah, I may have been able to stay awake.
My second thought: Wait a second, Rabbi may have a point.
My third thought: Uh oh, does this make me a crazy feminist?

Well I’m not ready to stop shaving my armpits quite yet, but I do think The Bearded One has a point.

For men, the club membership fees range from $25,000 to $150,000.  For women….it’s free.  So any women (whose physique is acceptable by Patti’s standards, of course) can be a member of the club.  They’re single, looking for love, and by joining, they may or may not be paired with the love of their life…who can jet them off to Paris for a first date.  Does this make them gold diggers?  According to the Rabbi, it does.  Money should not be the first thing that attracts a woman to a man; his wealth should be unknown until after a connection is made.

What happened to equality?  Are Patti and her efforts taking a step backward in making women equal to men when it comes to wealth and relationships? Let’s evaluate: to join, or not to join?

To join:

- For women, the club is free, so… why not? We have nothing to lose.

- It is a great jumping off point to meet men who are established professionally.

- Accoding to Patti, joining does NOT make a woman a gold digger.  It means she is interested in meeting a man that is financially stable.  It takes much more than money to make a connection, and Patti tells her girls not to put up with a guy’s “bullsh*t” even if he does have money.

- It does not make women less equal to men than if they were to meet them any other way.  Just because they are being set up on dates with millionaires, does not mean that they can’t be successful themselves.

Not to join:

- Money does not guarantee security or a life of stability. From the outside, yes, these guys look like they have their sh*t together.  Some do, I’m not claiming that all men who are successful are secretly a**holes, but I am taking a stance that just because a guy has money does NOT mean he is “stable” by any means.  A millionaire could have just as many emotional problems, if not more, than any average Joe lurking the streets.

- It is no secret that money provides us with comfort.  However, as cliché as it may sound, money cannot buy happiness.  No diamond is worth flaunting on your hand if the man who gave it to you does not make you happy every day.

- In order to join the club, men must prove themselves with money, and women with their looks.  This does sound superficial and sexist, and it does take a step backward from women reaching equality.

Like my mom always says: there’s a top for every pot.  If a loaded pot want to pay upwards of $50,000 to meet his top, well, power to him.  So, now it’s up to you…to join, or not to join?

The iPhone is awesome, hands down.  If you have it, you’re addicted and constantly using it for either an amusing application, Google maps, texting, or, you know, just a phone call.  If you don’t have one, you want one (like me!). Badly.

Even with all the apps already available, most notably the ones that make you fat, there are still things that we wish the iPhone could do for us.  Like laundry.  Or take the garbage out.  Too bad Apple hasn’t come out with some sort of external thumb feature…

But we don’t need an iThumb for some of the apps we have in mind. Things that every college student needs and aren’t currently available in the App Store. You know, like:

Text Breathalyzer – Everyone knows that texting while drunk leads to an extremely awkward morning after.  When you’re hung over, getting hit with the realization that you sent something along the lines of  “i kjus tluv u n i wan t be foreverrrrr” to your douchy ex-boyfriend (that may or may not be an exact copy of an actual text…don’t judge me) just makes things worse.  Well, worry no more with the Text Breathalyzer!  You just blow into the breathalyzer attachment and if you’re over the limit, the iPhone will lock down the text feature (or, if you choose, only let you text certain people).  Problem solved!

Happy Hour – Living in a big city I am forever plagued by the thought that there is a happy hour somewhere that I’m missing.  I hop around between a couple spots, but I wish I knew all the places who had drink specials on particular nights (Tuesdays? Anyone?).  The Happy Hour app will target your location and then list all the places within a one mile radius with the best drink specials in town.  Yes! Be thirsty no more!

Matchmaker – Ever find yourself wondering out loud, “Where are all the single men??”  Relax, your iPhone will find them for you.  Well, the Matchmaker app will find them for you, anyway.  Just fill out a short profile and your Matchmaker app tracks the GPS signals of all the single, male iPhone users in the area with similar interests to yours.  Voila!  Now all you have to do is decide which one will take you to the frat party Saturday night and which one will buy you coffee at the library.  Done deal.

Study Guide – So, you’ve got your class list for the fall.  What now?  Well, before you buy your books, you may want to check out the Study Guide app on your iPhone.  This handy-dandy application will gather all the study guides/Cliffs Notes/cheap books you need for your classes.  Saves time AND money!  No more frustrating trips to the bookstore/wasting money on books that you’ll never use/creepy, expensive tutors.  Now if only the app could secure that 4.0 for you…

Drunk Text Decoder - If you have friends who do not have the Breathalyzer app (or, gasp, a non-iPhone!), then the Drunk Text Decoder will be extremely useful.  This will unscramble the undoubtedly jumbled up text and take educated guesses at the misspelled words.  Finally, you’ll know what your bestie really meant when she sent you that collection of random words and symbols last Saturday.  Come to think of it, she wants to know what it meant, too, because she has no idea.

Guy Text Decoder - Equally as important as the Drunk Text Decoder, the Guy Text Decoder will take those mysterious messages from boyfriends-to-be and translate them into English.  Finally, you’ll know what he means when he includes that winky face after he says he’s studying in the library.  Seriously…what does he mean?!?

Considering I had never met the guy, I had my doubts that he asked for my number. Nonetheless I gave my grandmother permission to give it to him. Then I promptly forgot about the whole yentil-style-matchmaker-ambush and went back to my daily life of interning and unsuccessful haggling with street vendors.

And then, a few days later, like a missed call in shining armor, I received the following voicemail. Try not to swoon.

“Hi Jenni, this is Ben, my grandmother is making me call you, I don’t know what the hell is going on. I guess call me back at 867-5309. You know what, or don’t this is so awkward.”

It’s almost unnecessary to say but after that charming message, we began dating, one thing led to another, and we’re getting married in the Plaza over the fourth of July weekend. Slash NOT.

I have yet to return the call. I don’t remember this happening to anyone during Fiddler on the Roof and that’s the only experience I have with being set up by my elders. I’m tempted to just text him this blog link, but then again he is my only prospect at the moment (sure he’s playing a little hard to get) and I don’t want to ruin my chances.

After all, I’m not in college anymore and I can’t just meet guys and immediately classify them by their fraternity affiliation. I have no idea who anyone is or how to tell the difference between a genuinely awesome guy and one who meets and murders girls off of eHarmony.

Am I going to have to depend on being set-up by friends (not relatives) from now on? Even worse, do I need to get professional head shots taken so I can use the Millionaire Matchmaker service (and make my grandparents proud)?

Another thing I’m going to have to figure out.

In an effort to show the ladies of the house that there are some things they do that are just not OK to share (or to take part in at all), Steve set up a game show where he shared the girls’ secrets and asked guys what they thought. Turns out letting your cats choose your BF is weird (no way!), but having a giant tattoo around your vagina is not (huh?).

Now, I get the purpose behind this test, and I agree with the guys for the most part (wearing a tiara in your apartment is indeed weird), but did you see the type of dude making up that audience? It looked like Steve Ward hijacked an L.A. Ink tour bus and dumped them in the “Cute or Crazy” studio. What do these guys really know about women?

After getting torn apart by a group of burly men, the women were set up on dates and given another test: to share a secret. Well, everyone but Jessa, who ended up on a date with Steve (that lucky bitch) strapped to a lie detector test. And, well, I guess she shared a secret, too: that she doesn’t like Steve.

WHAT?!

How can you not like Steve? Because he is calling out all your flaws? Because he sees your issues and wants to bring them out? Because his eyes are so beautiful that they are like deep oceans through which you can see his soul? Because he looks so hot in a suit and tie!?!

WTF is your problem, Jessa? And if you don’t like Steve, then pack up and head home. Make some room for someone who actually wants to be there. I know I wouldn’t mind a little tough love, if you know what I’m sayin’.

Whoa. Sorry about the tangent. Moving on…

As usual, the show ends with group therapy where Steve picked out the best and worst performers of the week. Taylor gets the nod from Steve for acting really mature on her date and not totally walking out on him because he didn’t drive a Maybach. Abiola gets the slap on the wrist for being too picky, but we learn that she’s not picky because she wants perfection – she’s picky because she just wants a reason to push someone away before they push her away.

Can I get an “awwww”? Seriously, how many of us do the same thing? I turned down a guy once because he watched Fox News. Or because he was really effing hot and I thought he’d reject me the minute he saw me out of a dark, smokey bar. I needed a reason to dump him before he could dump me. Now look at me – I spent my Saturday night watching High School Musical. Alone. And crying. The fact it, I totally see a little bit of myself in Abiola (and that is not the part that wears one giant earring/has cats) and I do believe that watching her work with Steve will help me deal with my own issues.

Like the fact that I won’t date a guy who wears Doc Martins…or khakis…or really short finger nails. Ew. I just threw up a little bit.

I really need Steve’s help.
(Call me!)

Following in the footsteps of VH1′s The Pick Up Artist, comes a similar You-Suck-At-Dating-So-Let’s-Fix-Your-Flaws-Before-You-Start-Throwing-Birthday-Parties-For-Your-Cats show. This time, we watch as GIRLS get some harsh reality about what we do that turn off the MEN. Hosted by the ever beautiful and brutally honest Steve Ward, a master matchmaker and easy-on-the-eyes male, this show follows eight single ladies looking for love as they journey through a “Tough Love Boot Camp.”

Each episode will revolve around one theme and include a Dating 101 class, a field exercise (a date!), and end with a group therapy session where one girl is chosen for doing the worst. Unlike The Pick Up Artist, nobody gets booted off, but the worst contestant will get an embarrassing critique during therapy. This is good news for us viewers because we get to learn some lessons along with the girls (finally, a reality show that’s actually useful!), but thankfully don’t have to do it on national TV!

With issues ranging from trust, intimacy, communication, ex-boyfriends, and the infamous text-aholism, Steve works with these ladies to break their bad habits in hopes of finding The One. Each girl has a classic case of Chase-A-Guy-Away-itis and is nicknamed for their main issue. I’m sure we can all find one girl we relate to the most, so I challenge you to follow your sistah’s progress. Learn some lessons along with your favorite gal and root for her to find love. So, which girl are you?

Abiola (Miss Picky) – The self-proclaimed Princess whose standards are so high that she critiques guys based on a 10 point scale. Props to her for being an independant diva, but will she learn to give guys a chance or continue to write them off before even learning their last name?

Arian (Miss Party Girl) – A former stripper and hardcore partier who dates by a “two week” rule, this chica is dealing with some daddy issues. Claiming that all men are unfaithful, she protects herself by immediately airing her dirty laundry in hopes that a guy will stay with her despite her flaws. Her penchant for TMI and overly-sexual nature keeps decent guys at arms length.

Jacklyn (Miss Wedding Obsessed) – This 23 year old, small-town, wannabe bride is terrified that her “clock is ticking” and hopes to be married by 25. Having already chosen her wedding dress, centerpieces, invitations and photographer, this commitment-minded Southern Belle scares guys off like Jennifer Aniston!

Jessa (Miss Too Much Too Soon) – This insecure textaholic smothers guys with her obsessive nature. Taking pics of them in their sleep, over-analyzing every word and stalking their Facebooks have the men running for the hills. Will she take Steve’s advice and finally learn how to enjoy the moment?

Jody (Miss Lone Ranger) – This 30 year old has found total success in the workplace, but has no one at home to share it with. Too much focus on work and no play has left this hard worker alone and lonely. Although a wonderful role model for goal-oriented girls, can she stop obsessing about work and make time for a real relationship?

Natasha (Miss Fixing The Wrong Guys) – Suffering from the Nurse Curse, she is attracted to men with issues and hopes to be the one girl who can change him for the better. Being too nice and caring, she allows these hot messes to walk all over her.

Stasha (Miss Ball Buster) – This former Playmate’s alpha female attitude and constant bragging intimidates every single guy she meets. Her harsh, critical and upfront demeanor are her way of putting up walls to keep out “losers.” Can this self-proclaimed “sheep in wolves clothing” let down her guard and let in her match?

Taylor (Miss Gold Digger) – A get-what-I-want Daddy’s girl, this unapologetic bitch won’t settle for anything less than “the finer things in life.” Claiming that guys are intimidated by her looks and the attention she gets, she lets her shallow standards do the talking.

Can you relate to any of these ladies? If not, congratulations, but some of us may still be wondering why we’re single. Though these girls do have great things to offer, their issues are stopping them just short of finding true love. Let’s watch as they break down their walls, correct their mistakes and let Steve use an electrocution device to zap away their bad habits. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride…

(Show airs Sundays at 10PM, so watch and come back Monday morning for a recap!)

“You just have to meet him,” you find yourself saying to your newest gal pal.

And so she does. She comes over, excited to meet Oliver, thinking she is about to meet the BEST dog ever. Only Oliver isn’t friendly. He isn’t playful and he isn’t sweet. You fully expected him to do that cute thing he does when he curls up on your lap when you guys are watching The Hills and your BFF’s heart to melt like yours does. Only he doesn’t. He walks to the other side of the room, turns his head the other way and lays there like a blob.

Then he poops in her shoe.

“Wow this is so not like him,” you say to your friend, totally embarassed. “Oliver really is a GREAT dog. He never treats people like this. I don’t know what happened!”

Now take your dog’s name and replace it with the name of your close guy friend.

Because this is what happens (minus the shoe-poop…hopefully) when you try to set your GREAT, fantastic, super cuddley, great-personality guy friend up with one of your great, fantastic, adorable gal pals.

Except when she meets him, although great at first, he turns out to be a total d-bag. Because, he is afterall, a guy. And a guy treats his best girl friends a whole lot differently than he does a lot of the girls he meets, even if she is your friend.

I’ve seen this happen time and again. First to others and then to myself. “So and so is amazing – I don’t know why I’ve never thought of introducing you before!” Obviously you think your friend wouldn’t steer you wrong – after all, did she steer you wrong when she said you should buy that Marc Jacobs sweater wrap that was 50% off because you could wear all it four seasons? No. She was right – you DO totally wear that sweater all the time! Did she steer you wrong when she said bangs would look bangin on you? No! You’ve never looked better! Or when she told you fmylife.com was the most entertaining way to procrastinate? No! You still haven’t started that paper that’s due in an hour. But you don’t care because it’s just so. Effing. Funny.

So you trust her and you meet the guy. He seems great – you hit it off and once again you think, “wow she did it again- she must have some special always being right about EVERYTHING powers.”

But then he never calls.

Or blows you off.

Or <insert other d-bag/he’s just not that into you conundrum here>.

The fact is a great guy friend is, more often that not, still your typical guy. And while you have good intentions about introducing your fave friend and your best guy buddy – think again. Sure, he is there for you when you need him and always knows how to make you laugh, but look outside of your friendship. Think of him on a deeper level. A relationship level.

Think about the time he was making out with a sorority girl on Friday night and spent Saturday night with a totally different chick. Realize that maybe your guy isn’t looking for a relationship and, based on his 35 hookups in the past 30 days, may actually be a manwhore. Reflect on all the things he’s said and done to women in the past and question if he’d really be a good match for your girlfriend.

While none of those things make him less of a good friend to you, it does make him a bad choice for your kick-ass friend. And with those kickass bangs and adorable wrap sweater, she deserves better.