When it comes to sex, we are wayyyy too picky. Compared to the rest of the animal kingdom, humans have the most criteria for choosing a mate by far. Think about it – our selection process goes much further than “Wow, you’ve got some pretty colorful tail feathers there. Wanna screw?”

What is it that makes us consider so many characteristics of one person before deciding to have any sort of sexual relations with them? And why do those characteristics even matter? Now I ain’t no scientist, but I thought I’d give it my best shot and try to decipher this most peculiar of selection processes.

The Looks: First and foremost, you want your “mate” to be attractive. That one’s a given – nobody wants to hook up with somebody they find repulsive (unless alcohol is impairing their judgment, of course). Even animals look for companions that have characteristics they want to pass on to their young. But in a day in age where most of us don’t want to think about, let alone have, our own babies, why should looks even matter? Bragging rights, perhaps?

The Intelligence: Although this isn’t a make-or-break-er, I would imagine that most of us would rather not spend time conversing with someone with the intelligence of a pick axe. However, for the most part, one’s IQ cannot be inherited by offspring. In the animal kingdom, however, dim-witted animals eventually get weeded out by natural processes (ie. running towards, not away from, a pack of hyenas). Do we factor in intelligence as our own form of “natural selection,” or are we just hoping that intelligence will someday equal money?

The Car (among other things): Even if you think your love don’t cost a thang, you can’t deny the perks of having a wealthy beau. The scientific world may justify this as the desire to be with somebody who can “take care” of us. Instead of looking for mates that can beat up the entire jungle in our defense, however, we now look for people that can help us survive in our present environment. Well that, plus the fact that you look pretty H-O-T-T in a Mercedez.

The Personality: Now here’s the one I just don’t get. Most claim personality as the most important factor in picking a significant other, but there really is no evolutionary purpose behind this. Since most male species tend to bone, pop out a few babies, and peace out, we really are unique in this criterion. Maybe it’s the fact that we don’t want to spend long periods of time with people that drive us insane? Or is it just our own native instinct that tells us to wait for the one we love? Let me know what you think!

You’re in a relationship. Obviously, there’s something compatible between you and your partner. But once the break-up hits, BAM! Everything changes. It’s very difficult to get back to the friendship level, if possible at all.

Breaking up doesn’t just mean you’ve lost a mate, but a really good friend as well. In fact, you’ve probably lost several friends, because now it’s taboo for either of your own friends to associate with the other’s ex. It could also mean you’ve lost a confidante, a study pal, a Guitar Hero partner (or the entire game, if it was his!), a personal chef, or whatever your now-ex used to do that made the relationship special.

It also means a definite disturbance in many, most, or all of your daily routines. Whether you called each other every day to talk through your commutes to school, or you were living together, suddenly, there’s something missing. And even if the break-up was necessary or inevitable, that void is a gaping hole in your life. That keeps getting bigger. And just won’t go away.

If you think about it, breaking up is kind of like quitting a job: when you quit your job, you find yourself alone in a sea of opportunities. But which one is right for you? You might stay unemployed for a while, or you might bounce around from job to job for a little bit because you can’t find another decent job. If you’re lucky, you might fall right into a perfect new career. In either case, when you leave the first job, you change your routine, you see less of your former coworker-friends, and you have to actually quit.

But, sometimes leaving a job isn’t so bad. If you leave on good terms, you get to put in your two weeks notice. Everyone knows it’s coming. Suddenly, the irritating bits aren’t so bad because you know it’s almost over, and you can reminisce about the good times you had over the years. On the final day, you get to hug everyone and promise to keep in touch, and maybe even go out and celebrate by drinking your face off. The best part? Leaving a job on good terms might leave the doors open; you might be able to saunter back in and say, “I made a mistake, and I’m ready to come back.” Or get a glowing reference for the future.

Is it possible for the breakup to go the same way?

If only we could give two-weeks’ notice to our mate. Get in fourteen more days of the good stuff, hell, maybe squeeze in a lusty goodbye screw, and then leave with a clear conscience. We’d have plenty of time to clean out our metaphorical office– i.e. the drawer he cleaned out for you in his dresser– and say the things you really want to say before you go back into the dating scene. Plus, if we can call our former employers for networking, references, or career advice, maybe there would be hope to dial our exes when we need the sage advice only a former bedmate can give. Or, just maybe, some cute friends we might be able to meet?

It seems that marriage (according to statistics, which as we all know, are infallible) has become a white institution. Black people just aren’t doing it anymore.

Some of you may be familiar with the special CNN aired, “Black in America” in which they spoke on many of the issues that black America is having not only with marriage, but with other aspects of day to day life: employment, education, etc., all of which impact the black community.

Dionne Hill, the producer of the segment has a special rumination on black people and marriage. It’s not a new statistic, but the fact still remains: black people simply are not getting married in the numbers that we once used to. Certainly no longer comparable in numbers to the ethnic majority of Caucasian people marrying. In the article, which can be found in it’s entirety here, she talks about her own experience with the illusive unicorn that is marriage and her own vision of the perfect life, which is, of course: marriage, career, and children.

Like many black women she has one of the three – career – and hopes that the other two will fall in line on their own.

So why isn’t she, or the other black women she speaks about, getting married? What’s wrong here? Some people say it’s a cycle that we’re just repeating. Our parents weren’t married, therefore, we aren’t getting married either. Or maybe it’s TV and media – black pop culture has this single black super woman thing going on that discourages the idea of marriage. You know, the successful black woman: constantly dating but never finding the one that meets her standards.

And that’s probably the root of the problem right there.

In previous generations its been the idea that a man brings something more to the table. A job, stability, ability to make babies who won’t be shunned because they were had out of wedlock, etc… Nowadays, these values aren’t as important in a potential mate because, let’s face it, we can get all of these things on our own. No longer do we have to be like Beyonce and Upgrade a man; we can be picky and wait for the supped up version to enter our lives.

Despite this growing trend, Hill still has hope, but her silver lining has its rain cloud:

“My outlook: optimistic. My honest fear: It may never happen,”

And this is perhaps the most touching and honest thing in the entire article. It was more than just reporting facts, recalling memories and ideas she was holding onto. It was brutal and honest and every black woman’s fear (not to mention a fear rampant among women of all colors and backgrounds). Because despite understanding the problem, despite accepting it, it’s still there. The numbers are still there and numbers do not lie.

But there is hope.

There are men out there who bring what every woman is looking for; it just takes time to find them. I don’t think that black people are getting married less, I just think that they’re finally not settling for less. Little things that we may have overlooked before – emotionally stunted, bad teeth, criminal record, etc. – no longer get a pass for the sake of just being married.

[Photo courtesy of wikimedia.org]