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Scarred. For. Life.

Our mothers may not always have the soundest judgment in situations regarding appropriate behavior, like when they think chain e-mail  jokes are actually funny and they think flipping through family photo albums with your friends is an enjoyable activity for all.

Note: they’re not.
Seriously.

Poor Lourdes must have a much longer list of Momma Madonna’s to-do taboos, one that must surely include posing for Dolce & Gabbana with her fifty-two year-old cleavage as the focal point.

Look Madge: the world knows you’re a celebrity mom with a young boyfriend and a fantastically fit body, but we really do not need to see it on large-scale prints in department stores and giant billboards in Times Square! Madonna/Madge/Esther/MILF-used-to-be, you are no longer a Material Girl who is Like A Virgin, so please stop pretending. If not for me and my night tremors then, please, do it for Lourdes! Break that contract if D&G won’t provide you with a sweater on set, and give the Photoshop guy (who’s clearly been working overtime) a break!

It’s not like you need the money, Margie. And isn’t the mental health of your daughter worth more than a pile of hundos anyway? Read More »

So it’s 9pm on a Thursday night and you just found out that you have a theme party to go to. Ballin right?

Okay, so what are you going to wear, and just as importantly, what are you going to put on your face?

Getting your 70’s makeup to match up with your Flower Power dress can be tricky. So here’s a quick reference guide for how to do your decade makeup from “20’s Great Gatsby gal” to “80’s (Like a) Virgin.”

The Roaring 20’s: Skip your bronzer and opt for some light colored face powder; skin during this time was pale. Exaggerate your lip lines by outlining a cupid’s bow shape above the top lip and fill in with a deep red hue. Keep your eyes dark as well with thick coats of mascara and black liner. Keep shadow dark, either black or grey. This classic look will really help your eyes and lips pop. Accessorize with a feathered headband and dangly earrings.

50’s Desperate Housewife: Whether you are playing a housewife or Marilyn Monroe, the 50’s was also a classic makeup time. Like with the 20’s, keep lips a deep red and outline with a liner to help keep the color inside. Keep skin pale but accentuate your cheek bones with a rosy blush sweeping upwards to create a natural blush line. Contrary to the 20’s, keep your eyes light except for extra coats of thick mascara over curled lashes. Pull your hair back into a bun or create loose curls. Accessorize with a penciled-in Marilyn mole or pearl earrings. Read More »

I have a confession to make. I don’t get Madonna.

Not only do I not get her, I’m not a fan. I’ve never been a fan.

I’ve grown up with the Material Girl, and every couple of years or so when she goes and makes a drastic change in her personality, looks, and music, I think now! Now surely I’ll like her! She’s different!

But alas, that’s never the case. No matter who she is at the time – wacky-haired, sleeping-with-everyone Madonna, Henna-tattooed, meditative Madonna, super-yoga master Madonna – I just can’t bring myself to be like everyone else in America and adore her.

First of all, her songs have never resonated with me. Which is strange, because I love pop and dance music. Okay, so Like a Prayer is totally fun, but it’s not the type of song I can listen to over and over. And ever since the 90’s hit, I haven’t really liked anything of hers. Her voice isn’t something to write home about, her lyrics are never particularly interesting (except for Papa Don’t Preach. I’ll acquiesce. Those lyrics are pretty subversive), and the actual songs themselves always sound like replicas of something I’ve heard before.

Plus – and again, maybe this is just me – Madonna seems mean. Read More »

It’s not like I expect Maxim to be the New York Times. It’s not like I expect them to propagate feminist causes. I don’t even really expect them to be very literary—but going after certain women and calling them “unsexy”?

That’s just lame.

The Five Unsexiest Women Alive list, compiled as a direct response to Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive article, is a negative, annoying editorial meant to do nothing except pick on aging stars and go after girls who are already suffering.

Explaining #5 on the list has “about 23 pounds of Funyun pudge”, Maxim goes after the easiest target of 2007, Britney Spears. Yes, she used to be hot and now she looks a little rough. Yes, she used to be a badass dancer and now thinks stumbling around constitutes a performance. Yes, she’s a bit of a media whore…but the girl has problems. Big, intense problems. Let’s give her a bit of a break, shall we?

Besides, when was being “not skinny” having “pudge”? Read More »