But don’t go all no-carbo-depressed on me because there are definitely some delicious ways to survive Passover! (My first tip would be strategically placing yourself next to your favorite drunk uncle, cousin, sibling during your family’s 4 hour-long seder. Woof.)

Here are my favorite Passover matzoh treats!

Matzoh pizza – One of my childhood favorites. Cover matz0h with tomato sauce and cheese (and any other preferred pizza toppings) and stick it in the toaster. It will never be as good as your favorite slice from the neighborhood pizzeria, but it will help you survive your FOMO when all of your Gentile friends get their drunken deep-dish pies on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.

Matzoh ball soup – My mom’s matzoh ball soup could bring every boy, girl and dog to the yard. Thankfully, she passed this trait along to me. Throw in celery, carrots, and chicken and you’ll be full for a month. Matzoh ball soup is super easy to make and leftovers can last you through all of Passover. If you live off-campus, I would definitely recommend inviting all of your friends over for some Jewish Penicillin to cure their hangovers. Hopefully they’ll be immediately addicted and you can convince them to come back over after Passover to try it with some rye bread.

Nutella-covered Matzoh – Like any good Jew, you’ve probably been on Birthright (and if you haven’t, what are you waiting for?!). If you have, you’ve learned about the amazingness in a jar that is Nutella. This will bring you back to your sleepaway camp days…. slab a heapload of Nutella (or any other Kosher for Passover chocolate) on some salted Matzoh and proceed to stuff your face. The combination of salty and sweet is one of the best things about Passover.

Matzoh Brei – This fried-egg-matzoh-looking-mess not only tastes delicious, but it also can be made in a variety of ways. Keep it simple with eggs and salt or spice it up by throwing in salsa, black beans, cheddar cheese, and tomatoes.

Macaroons – Okay, this one isn’t matzoh related, but they are oh so good! Light, meringue-like cookies that are sometimes dipped in chocolate and coconut and are always delicious. Your local grocery store  definitely has a box or twelve for you to buy. If you’re feeling especially Martha Stewart/Betty Crocker you can even look up recipes online to make your own.

By day four of Passover you will probably be 5 pounds heavier and hate every and any variation of Matzoh, but don’t let it get you down! Be creative…. who knows what you may come up with. And let us know what you create – Jews need something new to occupy our taste buds during this carb-free week.

Note: Obama is not at everyone's seder

So, your Jewish friend invited you home for his/her Passover Seder.

“Free meal!” you think to yourself.

But what is a Seder? And what exactly will you be eating? Who’s gonna be there? Do you get to eat Challah? Do you have to be able to pronounce it?

As your resident CollegeCandy Jew (OK, so there are quite a few of us), allow me to prepare you for tonight’s festivities. Below, what you need to know about a Passover Seder.

1. Eat a little before you go.
Passover food isn’t for everyone (no matter how creative that Jewish mother gets with her Passover rolls) and it may be hard to stomach for someone who hasn’t been choking it down for 18 years. And even if you do love yourself some matzoh ball soup (who doesn’t?), it might be awhile before you get some. First you gotta get through the actual seder service. Actually, first you gotta get all the Jewish women to stop talking, then you gotta get through the service.

2. Follow along.
You never know when the old guy (it’s always an old guy) leading this thing is going to call on you to read a passage. And trust me, as the guest, he is definitely going to call on you. Usually before Great Aunt Ethel reads in her strong Russian accent and after the family makes 12-year-old Rachel read in Hebrew to prove all that money spent on Monday Night School wasn’t wasted. Don’t worry if you don’t understand a word you just read; it may be in English but most of us don’t really get it.

3. Leave that wine glass in the middle of the table alone.
You’re going to have plenty of wine, trust me. 4 glasses, to be exact. And it’s going to be unlike any wine you’ve ever had before. Think “fermented Capri Sun.” Yeah, it’s that sweet. Anyways, don’t touch that glass in the middle – it’s for Elijah, the prophet. He’s like Santa Claus, except instead of circling the planet and dropping off presents to everyone, he circles the planet and drinks everyone’s wine. Yeah, I wish I had that job, too.

4. Try everything….but go easy on the bitter herb.
The weird thing about Passover is that the stuff that looks the grossest actually tastes the best. Like gelfite fish, matzoh kugal and charosset, which is meant to look like the cement they put between bricks (don’t worry, you’ll understand the significance later tonight), but tastes way better. It’s made with apples and nuts and wine; how can you not love it? Just don’t fall for the old “Oh, take a big hunk of this bitter herb stuff” trick we Jews like to play on the newbies. It’s not bitter, it’s HOT, and you don’t have to prove yourself by sweating and crying at the table.

5. Wear something loose.
Like most Jewish holiday meals, the theme of a Passover seder is “We fought, we won, let’s eat.” And eat a lot. Even if you aren’t a fan of gelfite fish (or that nasty snot stuff it comes in), there will be plenty of delicious food and candy (mmmm Ring Gels) to chow down on throughout the night. Avoid the skinny jeans and wear a loose dress for optimal comfort.

[This story was originally posted by Lauren - University of Michigan]

Get it? Got it? Good. Want some more? Don’t worry, there are plenty more faves where this came from.

Basically everything you need to exist on a daily basis and especially on the weekend. No beer and no pizza to eat late night ,and no bagels to curb the hangover the next day. I thought we were supposed to be the chosen people? What were we chosen for – to be the pioneers of the Atkins diet?!

Anyway, after celebrating this holiday for 24 years I’ve learned a few things. Like the fact that even though the orange packaging looks promising, Crispy-O’s cereal tastes like crap (if crap was made out of cardboard and cough syrup).  And that while matzoh pizza smells good while it’s baking, there really is nothing that can cover up the fact that matzoh tastes like what is ordinarily used to package my recent purchases from Gilt Groupe. So now, as a responsible and Jewy adult, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve to help everyone survive this week sans bread/non K-for-P goodies and keep you and your taste buds satisfied.

1) Look at Passover as a week to detox. Why waste calories on desserts that look decent to the eye but taste like stale cake mixed with bits of Styrofoam? I figure Passover is a great time to eat clean: fruits, veggies, protein. It’s like a week-long detox/cleanse that is imposed by the big man upstairs. (You down with G-O-D?)

2) Quinoa is K for Pizzle! That’s right, friends – Quinoa, the high protein complex carb goodness, is Kosher for Passover. You can chop up some veggies, some nuts, some dried fruit – whatever strikes your mood- and make a delicious and healthy meal!

3) Manischewitz is fine in small doses…. but if you’re looking for something that will really get you drunk, I recommend Tokay. It’s a little less sweet and also happens to be a nice pale pink, which won’t stain nearly as badly when you get splashed during a game of Passover Pong.

4) Charoset isn’t just for your Seder plate. And as it turns out, there are all different kinds of concoctions – some made with apples some made with dates. All are equally yum-skis, quick to make, and not super high-calorie.

5) Spaghetti Squash is a great alternative to pasta.

6) If you decide to you must have SOME sort of bread-like substance during passover, these rolls are delish and easy to make.

7) Potato vodka still works. It tastes like booty, but it’ll get the job done.

8) In case you were looking for an alternative, take it from me, I REALLY don’t recommend Kahlua as a substitute to serious day drinking fun.

9) You know that song “beans beans they’re good for your heart the more you eat the more you fart” or however that goes? Well Matzoh should be right in there with that song (although I’m pretty certain it’s not even good for your heart). Which is yet another reason you should avoid it. Seriously, are there any redeeming qualities about Matzoh?! But for those of you who DO enjoy eating cardboard with your egg salad – if you have a date party, roommates or even want to be around yourself – go for the matzoh in small amounts. They’ll thank you.

What are your tips and tricks to make it through Passover?

Note: Obama is not at everyone's seder

So, your Jewish friend invited you home for his/her Passover Seder.

“Free meal!” you think to yourself.

But what is a Seder? And what exactly will you be eating? Who’s gonna be there? Do you get to eat Challah? Do you have to be able to pronounce it?

As your resident CollegeCandy Jew (OK, so there are quite a few of us), allow me to prepare you for tonight’s festivities. Below, what you need to know about a Passover Seder.

1. Eat a little before you go.
Passover food isn’t for everyone (no matter how creative that Jewish mother gets with her Passover rolls) and it may be hard to stomach for someone who hasn’t been choking it down for 18 years. And even if you do love yourself some matzoh ball soup (who doesn’t?), it might be awhile before you get some. First you gotta get through the actual seder service. Actually, first you gotta get all the Jewish women to stop talking, then you gotta get through the service.

2. Follow along.
You never know when the old guy (it’s always an old guy) leading this thing is going to call on you to read a passage. And trust me, as the guest, he is definitely going to call on you. Usually before Great Aunt Ethel reads in her strong Russian accent and after the family makes 12-year-old Rachel read in Hebrew to prove all that money spent on Monday Night School wasn’t wasted. Don’t worry if you don’t understand a word you just read; it may be in English but most of us don’t really get it.

3. Leave that wine glass in the middle of the table alone.
You’re going to have plenty of wine, trust me. 4 glasses, to be exact. And it’s going to be unlike any wine you’ve ever had before. Think “fermented Capri Sun.” Yeah, it’s that sweet. Anyways, don’t touch that glass in the middle – it’s for Elijah, the prophet. He’s like Santa Claus, except instead of circling the planet and dropping off presents to everyone, he circles the planet and drinks everyone’s wine. Yeah, I wish I had that job, too.

4. Try everything….but go easy on the bitter herb.
The weird thing about Passover is that the stuff that looks the grossest actually tastes the best. Like gelfite fish, matzoh kugal and charosset, which is meant to look like the cement they put between bricks (don’t worry, you’ll understand the significance later tonight), but tastes way better. It’s made with apples and nuts and wine; how can you not love it? Just don’t fall for the old “Oh, take a big hunk of this bitter herb stuff” trick we Jews like to play on the newbies. It’s not bitter, it’s HOT, and you don’t have to prove yourself by sweating and crying at the table.

5. Wear something loose.
Like most Jewish holiday meals, the theme of a Passover seder is “We fought, we won, let’s eat.” And eat a lot. Even if you aren’t a fan of gelfite fish (or that nasty snot stuff it comes in), there will be plenty of delicious food and candy (mmmm Ring Gels) to chow down on throughout the night. Avoid the skinny jeans and wear a loose dress for optimal comfort.

All my Jewish peeps out there know that Passover is a time where you have to hold your head up high and say, “Sure, my non-Jewish friends get to eat Peeps and Reese’s peanut butter cup eggs (where the PB to chocolate ratio is so. much. better.), but, hey, I get all those fake desserts that taste like crap yet still make me fat AND constipated. Mazel Tov to ME!” So glad we wandered in the desert for this.

Passover is a time where we must get creative in the kitchen. Top Chef has nothing on me after 8 days of no bread. So, being that I’ve been a Passover Jew since I left the womb, I will share with you my 5 best tips for surviving the Big P.

1) Don’t think of it as an “OMG WTF am I supposed to do without bread?!” sitch. Instead, think of it as a week long cleanse and use it as a time to detox; stick to salads, fruits, proteins, almonds, sweet potatoes and dark chocolate (K for P of course). All of those foods will keep you fuller longer and after a day of really craving the carbs you will feel a whole lot better anyways. Besides, its not like matzoh satisfies that carb craving, anyway.

2) Two Words: Matzoh. Pizza. It never gets old. It always tastes good. Load that bad tasting piece of matzo with sauce, cheese and a ton of veggies (the more fiber with that matzo the better – trust me) and you will forget how much you hated this holiday in the first place.

3) It’s the one time of year you can get kosher marshmallows and I looove to stock up. My favorite Passover sweet treat from childhood: take 4 large marshmallows, stick them in the microwave till they start to get really big, then pull them out of the microwave while still hot and put some chocolate chips on top so they melt right away. Amazingness. Great on top of ice cream too!

4) Manischewitz wine. Freshman year we got a FABULOUS game of Kosher for Passover wine pong going. Yes, the hangover was a biznatch and my teeth felt like they were rotting from all that sweet wine, but it was f-u-n. Just be advised: red wine is a little more noticeable on shirts than beer when that ping pong ball makes the wine splatter everywhere, so I’d avoid wearing white.

5) Plan ahead. Nothing is worse than coming home late night and watching your non-jewish friends delve into their Dominos and Easter baskets and you’ve got those icky jelly candies and chocolate covered jelly rings. Thank you for that, Moses. Stock your fridge up with some Temp-Tee (only the BEST creamcheese around) some cheese and pizza sauce, some Passover chocolate, marshmallows and the like. Throw some (all) on a piece of matzo, stick it in the microwave and you’ve got yourself a mish-mash on matzoh!

I wake up and I eat matzoh.

Then I go about my daily day (see?! I can’t even think of a better way to say this!) and find something I can eat for lunch (surprisingly difficult even in lower manhattan).

Then I’m cranky at people until dinner, at which point I am tired of trying to think of what to eat and end up having a fudgesicle.

Actually, I think I might be losing weight, but only because eating has become so calculated and joyless that it’s not even worth it.

I mean, this is not a big deal. I can’t have bread. To channel my grandmother for a moment, this should be the worst thing that happens to me.

But I have to admit, it’s really affecting my mood. I just feel empty all the time. I mean, not in an emo way. In a I-would-like-some-bread-in-my-tummy kind of way.

Today on the train I had an elaborate fantasy about a garlic knot.

I’m glad this thing is almost over.

Oh yeah, thanks for letting us escape from Egypt and whatnot, had gad ya.

Well, first of all, last night I went to my parents’ house for a Seder. We went through our Maxwell House Haggadahs like I go through a fresh, steaming cup of Maxwell House coffee.

…Anyway.

I asked my father what the correct pronunciation of “Haggadah” was, because a friend of mine says it “ha-GAH-dah” whereas I have always heard it as “huh-GUH-duh.” I was told that the first way is Hebrew, the second is Yiddish. Go fig. My fam-o is full of the Yiddish. The Hebrew, not so much.

Okay, this no bread thing is making me punchy. Let’s move on to today:

I wake up in my childhood bedroom thinking about French toast. Vey. Instead, I have half a piece of matzoh with butter (which, can I just say, spreads on matzoh really crappily. But that’s cool, whatever). I washed it down with one of those little Starbucks Frap things that comes in little bottles and has 3 grams of fat [which I know because I look at that kind of thing].

Still hungry, I held out till lunch, which was…matzoh brei. Now, matzoh brei is delicious (and it seriously is), but how much matzoh can I take?! Can we please acknowledge that our ancestors took it with them because they didn’t have time for bread to rise, not because it’s a tasty snack?? GIVE ME BREAD NOW.

For dinner I ate lox…sans bagel. And mushrooms. And Pirate Booty. Because it’s like, what can I eat? So I just eat a lot, trying to fill the void my yeasty love left. So I’m definitely not losing weight. Passover Diet, you suck.

But it’s not really that bad. I mean, after all, it’s only Day 2.

Kill me now.

My mother told me she used to bring tuna sandwiches on matzoh every year every day for all of Passover. I can’t imagine how she did this. Tuna on matzoh is basically disgusting.

But I digress. This morning my Chinese-American-Non-Jew boyfriend walked into our living room, took one look at me eating buttered matzoh, and said, “Hey, Matzoh Girl.”

That was it for me, folks. I am going to document the 8 days of my Passover Diet here on College Candy.

Side Note: I am calling it a diet only in the sense that it is a way of eating. Unfortunately, it is not a losing weight diet. Every year I think it might be. I mean, the Atkins Diet is, right? Unfortunately, every year I also end up eating a lot of cheese and junk food to fill up when bread is not possible, and so it ends up…let’s say evening out. Yeah. Evening out.

So, okay, last night through this morning:

Right before the sun went down, I had my last bread meal before Passover: a chicken gyro. Mmmm. So long, dear pita, I knew you well.

My boyfriend is sympathetic, but doesn’t understand how hard it is to not eat grains. I tell him he’s retarded. We continue on our merry way.

I don’t go to a Seder for the first night because I’m having one with my parents the second night. Instead, the boyfriend and I watch The Thomas Crowne Affair, which totally sucks and is maybe a bad omen of non-bread to come.

This morning, I reach for the Cheerios and then remember it’s Passover and have matzoh with butter instead (cue boyfriend’s “Matzoh Girl” comment). Then I head off to my workstudy job.

On the way, I pick up soup to eat for lunch. The guy behind the counter says, “What kind of bread?” I say, “Oh, no bread.” He says, “It comes with bread.” I says, “That’s okay, thanks.” He says, “Are you sure? No bread?” I finally say, “I can’t, it’s Passover…” And he says, “Okay, okay” like I just told him I have my period or something.

Anyway, the soup sucks and I wish I had bread.

Seder tonight at my parents’. I am desperately hoping for my father’s matzoh ball soup.