If my life was a movie, I’d look jaw-dropping-hot in a little black dress, and every college hook-up would involve a Freddie Prinze, Jr. lookalike leaning in for a kiss, while Six Pence None the Richer’s “Kiss Me” plays in the background. But, since my life is not She’s All That, my spit-swapping stories involve a lot of liquor, and a lot of regrets. There’s a Now! That’s What I Call Music CD out there with Aaron Carter’s “Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)” on the track listing. I know this because it made up the soundtrack of a one night stand a few years ago. Yeah, that’s how my sex life goes down.

Life doesn’t come equipped with an orchestra. If your sexcapades, like your iTunes, are on shuffle, here are a few songs you probably don’t want on your playlist.

1. “Dat Baby”–Shawty Putt feat. Lil Jon

With a chorus of “Dat baby don’t look like me,” and an opening line, “Dat baby ain’t mine… I’m sorry, bitch you heard Maury,” this jam is an instant libido-killer. The last thing a guy wants to hear as he’s sliding into home base is “You are NOT the father!” Sure, you’re using protection, but condoms aren’t 100% effective…paternity tests, on the other hand, don’t lie. Besides, no woman wants to find out that her cute college hookup won’t take responsibility if an accident does happen. Read More »

As we approach August, we may have started to take summer vacay for granted. In the dog days of summer, it’s easy to sleep until 2 p.m., get caught up on Maury, and not realize we still have our PJs on until it’s time to go back to bed. But with the countdown to Fall Semester ticking fast, it’s important to make the most of every spare minute. Whether you’re working your ass off or dedicated to being a lazy bum until a full courseload kicks back in, it’s time to get in gear and create some glorious summer memories.

1. Take a roadtrip. Sure, gas prices are skyrocketing, but you’re only young once, right? And once you’re shackled into a nine-to-five, you’re going to crave the spontaneity that’s currently yours for the taking. I’m a self-professed workaholic, but even I’ve been known to squeeze in a few quality roadtrips between May and August each year. One summer, I took a fourteen-hour drive to Ohio with two girls from work I barely knew, for the birthday party of one of my brother’s grad school friends. And no, my brother didn’t go. So, three random girls showed up at a party in the boondocks (aka Wooster), and promptly put on our party shoes. Liquor flowed, regrettable hook-ups were had, and the girls and I totally bonded over the experience. Even if you can only spare one day, find a town you’ve never been to before, and head out to explore. You never know what adventures might arise. Read More »

Pandas pressured to procreate–would some panda porn help?

Disney perpetuates false expectations one bridal gown at a time

“The Hills” movie–would you really expect anything less?

Did Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo tie the knot?

Hey mom, can I borrow $4,000 to go to Porn Camp this summer?

Celeb birthday bash I least want to attend

On second thought, Maury–I’ll take care of that paternity test, OK?

John Mayer is awesome. Got it?

Paris Hilton: “I’m an inspiration“

I don’t care what you say: Madonna is fierce

I woke up this morning, came to work, started surfing the internet…and now I have a few very important questions:

Who is J.R. Rotem? (besides a second rate music producer)

Why is he having sex with Britney Spears? (other than for drugs or money)

And most importantly, how is Britney’s drug-addled, sleep deprived, mess of a body carrying a third child?

Call me harsh if you want, but this isn’t about talking trash for the hell of it.

This is straight up sad. Tragic. Infuriating.

Not only because Britney’s life is in shambles and she doesn’t seem to notice, but because when it all come down to it…the girl is not on this planet.

Had Britney not been the most popular girl on the planet 7 years ago, she’d be on Maury, crying her eyes out backstage while the crowd booed her and Maury assured her that he’d help her find the real father.

But here is where my ranting ends because when it comes to addicts and the people who enable them (ahem…Rotem…) there is no getting through to them. Read More »

• This story sounds like it sound be on Maury, expect nobody’s screaming and I’m pretty sure the mother knows who the father is. (The Sun)

• Dorky kid on his 1,224 pound pumpkin: “You spend all your time with it,” he said. “No sports. You just come home and be with the pumpkin.” Ummm… (upi.com)

• Tomato juice causes delays at LaGuardia. Yes, tomato juice. People were pissed. (wcbstv.com)

• Puzzles are his only friends… (Yahoo!)

• Japan keeps up it’s bizarre/freaky game show reputation with “Human Tetris”! (COED Magazine)

• Joel Madden has a 1 in 4 chance of being Nicole Richie’s baby daddy.

• And the World’s Richest Supermodel is…

• Perez challenges Gummi Bear Davis to a duel.

• Duke University hates your iPhone.

• Every Sorority has that one fat guy.