Life doesn’t come equipped with an orchestra. If your sexcapades, like your iTunes, are on shuffle, here are a few songs you probably don’t want on your playlist.

1. “Dat Baby”–Shawty Putt feat. Lil Jon

With a chorus of “Dat baby don’t look like me,” and an opening line, “Dat baby ain’t mine… I’m sorry, bitch you heard Maury,” this jam is an instant libido-killer. The last thing a guy wants to hear as he’s sliding into home base is “You are NOT the father!” Sure, you’re using protection, but condoms aren’t 100% effective…paternity tests, on the other hand, don’t lie. Besides, no woman wants to find out that her cute college hookup won’t take responsibility if an accident does happen.

2. “You’re Pretty When I’m Drunk”– Bloodhound Gang

You can kick yourself in the morning when you sober up and realize that the guy you brought home from the bar last night looks nothing like David Beckham (actually, he more closely resembles Danny DeVito), so you don’t need Jimmy Pop saying “I told you so.” Besides, lines like “I’m hungry like the wolf, but I’ll end up taming cattle,” and “it wouldn’t be the first time that I gave a dog a bone,” though satirical, are pretty harsh. As liberated, self-respecting women, we know we’re pretty when he’s sober, too, inside and out.

3. “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”– Sufjan Stevens

If you didn’t know that this song is about the infamous serial killer, you might think the gentle ballad sets the mood. However, if your ears perk up at the lines, “And in my best behavior, I am really just like him/ Look underneath the floor boards for the secrets I have hid,” you’ll probably get creeped out, and ask yourself how well you really know the guy who’s jamming his tongue down your throat.

4. “UR So Gay”– Katy Perry

Straight guys will go flacid as soon as Ms. Perry belts her titular accusation in the chorus. They won’t even listen to the following line, “you don’t even like boys.” Homophobic or not, men don’t like to have their sexualities questioned. Besides, the whole song is an angry letter to a shallow metrosexual. You would never want your lover to “hang [himself] with an H & M scarf,” now, would you?

5. “MmmBop”– Hanson

This song will actually probably cause many social situations to take a turn down Embarrassment Alley. If you’re a closet Hanson fan, that’s fine. But your guy might not appreciate your “special” quirks.

Any I missed?

As we approach August, we may have started to take summer vacay for granted. In the dog days of summer, it’s easy to sleep until 2 p.m., get caught up on Maury, and not realize we still have our PJs on until it’s time to go back to bed. But with the countdown to Fall Semester ticking fast, it’s important to make the most of every spare minute. Whether you’re working your ass off or dedicated to being a lazy bum until a full courseload kicks back in, it’s time to get in gear and create some glorious summer memories.

1. Take a roadtrip. Sure, gas prices are skyrocketing, but you’re only young once, right? And once you’re shackled into a nine-to-five, you’re going to crave the spontaneity that’s currently yours for the taking. I’m a self-professed workaholic, but even I’ve been known to squeeze in a few quality roadtrips between May and August each year. One summer, I took a fourteen-hour drive to Ohio with two girls from work I barely knew, for the birthday party of one of my brother’s grad school friends. And no, my brother didn’t go. So, three random girls showed up at a party in the boondocks (aka Wooster), and promptly put on our party shoes. Liquor flowed, regrettable hook-ups were had, and the girls and I totally bonded over the experience. Even if you can only spare one day, find a town you’ve never been to before, and head out to explore. You never know what adventures might arise.

2. Go multimedia. Have a photo or videoshoot with your friends. No, you don’t need to be drunk, you just need to be creative. Use the summer foliage as a backdrop. Pretend you’re on America’s Next Top Model and work the runway. Yes, it’s childish, but nobody will know if you seal all the evidence in the vault. I have countless “Dress-Up” portraits, in which I’m dressed as anything from a Spice Girl to a Showgirl, as well as some priceless dance routines caught on tape to Tupac’s “California Love,” in which we substituted rolled-up toilet paper for Pac’s signature bandanna headband. It makes for a quick pick-me-up on future bad days. I didn’t make this stuff myself– go watch Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegates’ “Movie Montage” scene from The Sweetest Thing.

3. Get off your ass. There’s a variety of activities that can fall into this category. Take a bike ride, go rollerblading, go hiking. Hell, go to the local playground and play on the jungle gym. We all know exercise boosts your endorphins, but it’s a also a great way to maintain your tan and your bikini bod. Side note: some of my most romantic summer kisses have occurred on the docks of the local lake or underneath the monkey bars once the sun sets on a sultry summer’s eve.

4. Enjoy the local festivities. Whether it’s a local fair or a weekly farmer’s market, a tour of a historic landmark or a downtown block party… what do you have better to do? Besides, even the smallest towns have kooky summer activities. I know a guy who runs in a citywide roadrace every year, donning nothing but a loincloth. You can also check out the local downhome watering hole that reeks of flannel and flasks. Who knows what goes down when the townies come out to play?

5. Have a midday drinking festival. Seriously, this is the time in our lives when we can do it without being labeled an alcoholic. During every spring semester of my college career, I wouldn’t skip a single class until the first nice day of spring. Then, my friends and I would cut every single class to sit out on the quad and booze it up from inconspicuous Nalgene bottles. Sure, school’s been out for weeks, but you can still have a good old daylight drinking binge on a random Tuesday. The good news? You’ll probably pass out early enough to get a head start on tomorrow. The better news? If you follow this step, you can move on to the local festivities or the multimedia extravaganza.

Just don’t attempt a summer roadtrip if you’ve already been hitting the bottle in 90-degree weather.

Pandas pressured to procreate–would some panda porn help?

Disney perpetuates false expectations one bridal gown at a time

“The Hills” movie–would you really expect anything less?

Did Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo tie the knot?

Hey mom, can I borrow $4,000 to go to Porn Camp this summer?

Celeb birthday bash I least want to attend

On second thought, Maury–I’ll take care of that paternity test, OK?

John Mayer is awesome. Got it?

Paris Hilton: “I’m an inspiration“

I don’t care what you say: Madonna is fierce

Who is J.R. Rotem? (besides a second rate music producer)

Why is he having sex with Britney Spears? (other than for drugs or money)

And most importantly, how is Britney’s drug-addled, sleep deprived, mess of a body carrying a third child?

Call me harsh if you want, but this isn’t about talking trash for the hell of it.

This is straight up sad. Tragic. Infuriating.

Not only because Britney’s life is in shambles and she doesn’t seem to notice, but because when it all come down to it…the girl is not on this planet.

Had Britney not been the most popular girl on the planet 7 years ago, she’d be on Maury, crying her eyes out backstage while the crowd booed her and Maury assured her that he’d help her find the real father.

But here is where my ranting ends because when it comes to addicts and the people who enable them (ahem…Rotem…) there is no getting through to them.

So instead, we’ve generated a picture of what this new bundle of joy is going to look like! I mean that’s all that really matters anyway because there’s an 95% chance this kid isn’t going to be sharp enough to rely on anything but looks.

Again…tragic.

The only question I have left is, who makes an uglier baby…K-Fed or J.R.? Or maybe it’s just Britney?

If she’s pregnant, should Britney have the baby? 

• Dorky kid on his 1,224 pound pumpkin: “You spend all your time with it,” he said. “No sports. You just come home and be with the pumpkin.” Ummm… (upi.com)

• Tomato juice causes delays at LaGuardia. Yes, tomato juice. People were pissed. (wcbstv.com)

• Puzzles are his only friends… (Yahoo!)

• Japan keeps up it’s bizarre/freaky game show reputation with “Human Tetris”! (COED Magazine)

• Joel Madden has a 1 in 4 chance of being Nicole Richie’s baby daddy.

• And the World’s Richest Supermodel is…

• Perez challenges Gummi Bear Davis to a duel.

• Duke University hates your iPhone.

• Every Sorority has that one fat guy.