This month, Maxim is ready to deck the halls in cool man gadgets, girls from England and France in their underpants and crazy sex tips that will make every single man look like a jolly blue-balled Santa Clause. Who’s ready to dig in??

In Maxim, the holidays call for stuffing her stocking with gifts she really wants to unwrap. Nope, contrary to popular belief — Maxim is not telling its readers to buy the ladies a real puppy, the entire set of Shatter O.P.I. nail polish and a life supply of sweet red wine (what we really want). Of course, Maxim turned Christmas into an opportunity to get kinky and ‘jingle her bells.’ By jingle her bells, they mean use nipple clamps, do the deed on moving objects like trains, play follow-the-porn and try new positions. Whatever Maxim, way to feed all the men out their false hopes about what women want in bed. My advice? Give her a glass of Riesling and turn on some old school Maroon 5. I’m sorry, but that totally gets ME all hot and bothered.

Maxim was also nice enough to grace us with the top 10 Hometown Hotties of 2011. I’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG, THANK GOODNESS. Or not, because every single one of them looks uncomfortable wearing see thru lace and touching each other like they’d touch their cousin. “Um, can I put my hand right here? Is this…OK?”

Amidst all of that BS was ‘The Couch-Ma Sutra’ diagram that unlocked 14 football-watching positions of the man and the couch. Every position (especially the soaring eagle) seemed pretty dead on. Hey, I get it that most men love to air out the boys, eat lone Cheetos from the couch cushions and punch their own balls if they put money on Tony Romo. But, I’d rather not hear about how men pee in glass bottles (Milking the Cow), nearly crap their pants (Crouching Tiger, Pooping Pants) and elevate their mind with digested deviled eggs gas (Warming of Cushion).

Whew, glad that’s over. Now it’s time to collect all of the random facts Maxim sprouts from month to month. Seriously, Maxim is full of useless information.

Maxim Says: Thirty-three percent of people surveyed by Trojan Condoms said they boned a coworker during or after an office Christmas party.

Brittany Says: Weird, Maxim is telling me a survey taken by people that have regular random sex says sexual experiences with a coworker is totally valid. This statistic is obviously in the magazine to convince most men that the sexy quiet librarian double at work wants to do the ‘swipe everything off the desk and bang’ thing. Pshyeah. Dreaming.

Maxim Says: The internet is putting summer-camp girlfriends to pasture with fakegirlfriends.com, a service that will text you made-up missives.

Brittany Says: Oh, no. It’s official — a man can start pretending his blonde blow-up doll is sexting him.

Maxim Says: Santa would have to visit 822 homes per second to deliver gifts to all American house-holds on Christmas Eve.

Brittany Says: That means every second, 822 households could be dealing with horned up men taking Maxim‘s advice to become a Sexy Santa and playing follow-the-porn with nipple clamps.

No wonder I grabbed the last issue on the newsstand. Men want them some gore and girl on girl.

As silly as Maxim can be, they do have some pretty funny one-liners littering their pages. And speaking of lesbians –  see case A: this distant birthday wish. Maxim says, “My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex, I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.”  Giggles. I can’t lie, that’s funny.

As for the hawt women dressed in lace for October, I couldn’t help they all had old lady names. Agnes…Yvonne…Regina…is there a cougar jaguar fantasy that I don’t know about?! One thing I do not know for sure, is how all of these hot chicks are getting by eating creme puffs and In-N-Out burgers all the time.

Beyond creme puffs and greased up lady-thighs, I ran past a few articles featuring bad ass weapons and a few man movie reviews. I barely made it through the ‘Polar Bear Ate My Head!’ article after the second page featured an actual picture of the dude’s mauled head.  Seriously, google it or something. Suddenly you won’t want that creme puff anymore…

Then, I landed on the page every man scrambled too before they could even get out of the magazine section of the gas station (and ended up in the bathroom alone); ‘The Superhot Secrets of Lesbian Sex.’  It’s cute how every man thinks they can casually sandwich themselves in a lesbian experience. Doesn’t anyone watch Jersey Shore anymore!?!

Let’s see what guys are learning from lady on lady lovin’.

Maxim Says: Basically, girls can grind up against anything and get off–a knee, a hand, whatever.

Brittany Says: Great Maxim. Give guys another reason to sit there and do nothing. Can you see it? Men, holding up their fists like Spiderman and waiting for the magical moment. I don’t think so. Give yourself a little credit and have more creativity than a tree stump.

Maxim Says: A huge focus of all pre-orgasm work should be the kiss.

Brittany Says: Preach it, Maxim. Finally–something I agree with. I had to include this little tidbit in here. Oh my Hannah Montana, I’m actually learning something. (Sorry for bringing Disney into this.)

Maxim Says: If your lady wants to hop the fence for one night, there are always other straight girls there she can go home with. Just like in the lesbian porn online.

Brittany Says: I’ve never seen so many false hopes in one Times New Roman font. Sure, maybe it happens. Your girlfriend suddenly wants you to call up your best girlfriend to dance the dance in bed. But when is the last time you saw a unicorn? In a fairy tale? Ok.

Yes, I just said I look up to women in Maxim. Hey, if anyone can pull off a mesh, wet, white swimsuit and slicked back hair, they deserve a nod on my behalf. She must have had sworn off toast for over a month. Golf clap.

Anyway, as I began to plow through the magazine looking for a little Vergara heritage, as usual I came across a few questionable articles. Whenever I read Maxim, along with staring at hot chicks, I learn the most random facts in the world. I never knew men were so interested in totally irrelevant and pointless information. Here’s a few random facts for you: Did you know Illinois recently passed a law that allows residents to pick up roadkill? Did you know the worst smell in the world is actually human fecal matter-according to a cross-cultural (real) study? Um, gross. That means human poop smells worse than, say, a dead beached blue whale. Humans really are disgusting.

Then Maxim tried to teach us how to fend off enemies with some mad…pirate plunder armor. Mad man skills, bro. Seriously. I never knew I could fantasize about Orlando Bloom in a peasant top and a vest so much during an entire article. Then, the most awkward article; ‘Maxim Office Assistant’ presented us with another idiotic chick who likes to crawl around the floor in undies and tangle herself up in firewall cords half naked.

I came across the sad trombone noise of the day: Maxim’s ‘Rated’ column where it rates upcoming movies and entertainment. The sad trombone noise sounded when I discovered that the new Charlie’s Angels are ten times less foxy than the original cast. Didn’t Hollywood get it that remaking movies doesn’t solve anything? Case A: Final Destination. Wasn’t the same since Devon Sawa resigned.

After a few ‘here look, we can fit three red sports cars onto one page’ and ‘look at this turbo face shaver’ articles, (oh, and woman posing with a tool that happens to be named a ‘clamp stamp’) I came across my favorite article of the year. Let me present to you ‘Hometown Hotties Semifinalists.’ Why is this article my favorite of the entire year? Um-because there are ridiculously sexed up (lingerie clad) girls touting absolutely hilarious one liners about themselves.

Maxim Says: (or Brianna says) “I can make my stomach look like an alien.”

Brittany Says: HAHA. I’m assuming these one liners are suppose to encourage horny Maxim readers vote for her. But somehow my little intuition doubts saying your stomach looks like E.T and his wrinkly alien face isn’t going to spring the johnson to “alert position.”

Maxim Says: (or Darci says) “You know those tags on mattresses? I ripped one off!”

Brittany Says: Crickets.

Maxim Says: (or Christina) “I once ate 17 hot dogs in less than 15 minutes!”

Brittany Says: And then let me guess, you were constipated for a week. I want to note that the photo of Christina is of her humping a velvet upholstered chair.

Maxim Says: (or Elena) “I stayed in Inglewood ’cause my pal thought it’s where rappers live.”

Brittany Says: Good for you. I went to Disney World because mommy told me that’s where magic happens. OMG.

Maxim Says: (or Cara C.) “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That’s all I gotta say.”

Brittany Says: That’s been done already, honey.

After paging through the awkward ‘Maxim Office Assistant’ photos (think, girl spread-eagle cartwheel past the printer) and a page dedicated to large bicycles and office pranks, I landed across the lovely ‘Ask Maxim’ page. This month, I learned how fat you need to be to actually…explode. Maxim’s answer? Apparently someone’s stomach actually ruptured after eating 19 pounds of food in one sitting. I need to be careful the next time I order Taco Bell at 3 a.m.

This month’s ‘Woman With a Tool’ featured a leggy lady carrying around a weed whacker. This is unrealistic for two reasons. One, no lady in their right mind would weed whack with shorts on (do you have any idea how much that hurts!?) Two, any guy in their right mind is going to want more than a machine to do the whacking, if you catch my propane-powered drift.

I squeezed my eyes shut past a pictorial of JWOWW trying to be sexy her bra and undies while eating meatballs – and couldn’t resist reading about what has been found inside of sharks for an article called ‘In the Belly of the Beast.’ Do you know what they’ve FOUND in sharks? Oh, only halves of horses, live turtles, suits of armor, bottles of wine, treasure chests and polar bear heads. Ugh, hoarders.

Now that we have naughty sharks on our mind, let’s talk dirty. No seriously, Maxim want us to in ‘Talk (and look) Dirty to Me.’ Yes, Skype sex. Something everyone apparently should try.

Maxim Says: Speak up. Silent sex is boring, but over Skype it’s just weird.

Brittany Says: Whatever, I think breathing loudly into your computer speakers is incredibly sexy. Especially if you can reenact the Titanic sex scene and breath so deeply against  your computer it fogs up and you can whisper, “You’re trembling.”

Maxim Says: Be a director. Pay attention to lighting and camera angles. It’s easy to get caught in the heat of the moment without realizing you can’t see anything.

Brittany Says: If you’re so into the moment during cyber sex that you realize you’re getting off to a black, blurry image – I’d say that’s pretty impressive. Keep up the good work.

Maxim Says: Let it linger. No need to virtually snuggle afterwards.

Brittany Says: No virtual snuggling!? But I love the feeling of a hot computer against my chest with a face that looks like my boyfriend….can I at least send one of those cute smiley angel faces in a chat? Would that ruin the moment?

Either way, Maxim really knew how to throw my emotions off kilter when dedicating an entire page to donuts for ‘Donut Day’ (which happened to be June 3rd, if you were blissfully unaware). My theory is that donuts are good for you because they are mostly air. Man, I need to go on a diet.

A few articles later, Maxim decided to help the unemployment rate by hiring a ‘Maxim office assistant’ and taking photos of her licking envelopes and dropping off mail in her underwear. You aren’t helping the unemployment rate, Maxim. I’m seriously considering quitting my job so I can pass my dictation test in my booty shorts.

After paging through a motorcycle gallery and a “Girl With a Tool” aka straddling a lawn mower (ummm, dangerous?) I came across another article where a lubed up chick biting her finger claims she loves pasta and meat balls for dinner! I’m over it. I hate spaghetti and meatballs – and yet I’m still putting on my jeans laying down. One of my favorite articles was called ‘Maxim’s Rules for the Grill’ (especially since I can barely cook a kabob without burning down the entire city). What did I learn, you ask? Basically, grilling is all about chilling. If you remember anything ladies, remember this. There is no drama at the grill. Lots of beer. Meat only. And (my personal favorite): “Fat equals flavor, both in grilling and love making. That’s what I’ve been telling my wife anyway.”

Tisk, tisk, Maxim. Tisk, tisk.

Finally, after reading about how Cameron Diaz thinks the word ‘sex’ is the sexiest word out there (woah, original – I think ugly is the ugliest word out there), I came across the token Maxim sex article daringly called, ‘Enter At Your Own Risk.’ The main focus for naughty advice this month?  Getting with the one woman you want most- the one you absolutely should not. Hope you brought your wet naps because things are about to get dirty.

Maxim Says: Your roommate. Adjust to her schedule so you can bond. Does she wake up at seven to do yoga? Get up and make coffee. She likes to watch American Idol? Make it your new show.

Brittany Says: Or, don’t bust your balls to hang out with someone you live with. Getting with someone shouldn’t be such a science if you breathe the same room oxygen as her every day. Yikes.

Maxim Says: Your intern. Make her feel like one of the gang. Invite her out with more established colleagues and give her legit work to do.

Brittany Says: Sigh, so much I could say about this but I’ll stick to simplistic and sweet. When Maxim says work to do, they really mean sending her back and forth to the printer to see that business suit from behind. According to the unemployment rate though, she’s apparently licking envelopes in her under panties. Someone deserves a promotion!

Maxim Says: The Out-of-Your-League Crush. Give her the right kind of attention. When other dudes dote, be casual. If they treat her like a trophy, act like you’re on the same level. She’ll find it refreshing.

Brittany Says: Pshh, treat her like a trophy just like the rest of ‘em bro. She probably deserves it.

Maxim Says: Your best friend’s ex. When women go through a break up, they love nothing more than talking about it. He was selfish? You love giving foot rubs! Play his opposite and you’ll be the new boy in her bed in no time.

Brittany Says: Do guys really do this? I mean, after all of those games of Socom, chugging Coors together and pounding Jimmy Johns sandwiches while gazing into each others eyes…do they really sacrifice THAT connection for…sex with a totally off-limits chick?  Who am I kidding? That probably sounds a helluva lot better than squirting mayo on their BBF’s Play Station controller.

While doing just that (with mustard dripping on my chest), I discovered something about Maxim and the women in it. Are you ready for this jelly? Here it is: Remember in high school college when all of your friends would make stripper names out of the street you lived on and your first pet’s name?  Well, you can do the same thing with Maxim cover girl names.  All you have to do is pick your favorite Disney character and your favorite weather element.

Mine is Belle Thunder. BOOM.

Go ahead, try it.

After you get a good laugh, come back to me.  We have a lot to discuss about this month’s May-day in Maxim.  First of all, another day, another dollar article dedicated to a girl with cute butt creases saying “I can’t handle a guy that is scared I’m a big eater!”  I’m serious, this is what she actually said. Or didn’t say; how can she talk with a mouth full of collard greens and fried chicken?

Later, I found a pretty hilarious article giving guys the low-down on creating a 5-second beach bod. Maxim’s advice? Strap an ice pack under your wife beater to give the illusion of a six-pack and enhance your nether regions by tossing a paper-towel cardboard tube in your underpanties.  But, Maxim advises to stay clear from the Christmas wrapping tubes as  those may attract horses.  Well thank heavens! Christmas tubes at the Kentucky Derby this month could have been lethal and extremely awkward for everyone involved!

In ‘The Maxim Checkup: A Real Guy’s Guide to Looking Better, Getting Laid, And Living Forever,’  Maxim covers random illegal activities for all the men that want to travel to Switzerland and take a dump past 10 p.m.  That’s right, did you know it’s illegal to flush the toilet after 10 p.m. in Switzerland?  On second thought, maybe that Christmas tube could come in handy…

In an ‘Ask Maxim’ article, I was made privy to an interesting statistic. Apparently, 70% percent of woman who like the taste of beer have no problem sleeping with someone on the first date.  Only 37% of none beer drinkers feel the same.  Wait – can I get a wha wha? How does this even make sense? Are the none beer drinkers drinking Grape Juicy Juice? The last time I checked, tequila makes the clothes fall off far faster than beer. I mean, just because a chick likes to tip a brew back doesn’t mean she’s a slutbag!

After daydreaming about running to the liquor store to grab a case of beer and rebel against everything that is “slutty-because-I-like-a-Summer-Shandy-every once-and-a-while,” I came across the monthly relationship/sex article. My personal fave, because, well, I’m a beer-drinking slut.

This particular  article was for all of the guys out there with a one year relationship under their ice pack six-packs belts. And lucky for all the tied-down dudes, Maxim has a ‘The First Year Euphemism Guide: Expressions To See You Through The First Year With Your Special Girl‘ for their reading (and hopefully not applying) pleasure. I don’t understand why they aren’t explaining the stuff the GFs say here (don’t the guys already know why they’re saying what they’re saying?), but whatever. I’ll take it. Now let’s begin.

Maxim Says: “Need to go and clean my mom’s basement!” You can’t stand one of her friends and will do anything to avoid dinner with her crushingly dull boyfriend.
Brittany Says: If this phrase is supposed to boomerang back to the dude’s girlfriend as a undercover hit to her girlfriend, then this is good – real good. But if this is supposed to cover up the fact that you would rather go snort mothballs in your mom’s basement than mock some loser boyfriend, this is pure stupidity. I mean, it’s dinner. Grow some balls and man up, baby.

Maxim Says: “Going upstairs to change the color ink cartridge in the printer!” Rubbing one out over pics of her sister on Facebook.
Brittany Says: Don’t bring Epson Multipack into this dirty business. Besides, you’re not fooling anyone, bro – there isn’t any “re-filling” going on in your world. Besides, how long does it take the average Joe to change a color ink cartridge? One minute? If you’re back in 60 seconds, we’ve got bigger issues on our hands.

Maxim Says: “Morning cuddle.” You’ve just woken up with an erection.
Brittany Says: I love me a good cuddle sesh, but a cuddle with a bonus distribution at five in the morning….? 99% of the time, I’m not gonna help you take care of that and 100% of the time, I don’t want to fall back asleep getting poked by a cattle prod.

Maxim Says: “You look comfortable.” She only ever wears sweatpants and your T-shirts anymore.
Brittany Says: Ohh, pshh. Go change the ink cartridge and get over it.

Wanna see what other absurdities your bros are reading? Get more of Maxim’s goodness right here.

April showers at Maxim bring 8,000 women in one bed!

That’s right, the annual sex survey is here!  Maxim is gracing us with thousands of women and their deepest sexual secrets.  It’s slutty and I like it.

Before we get to the good stuff, though, let’s take a look at everything else?  First, Maxim taught us ‘How to Put Out a Grease Fire,’ which was extremely interesting because I clearly would have enough sense when I’m lighting my life on fire to attack it with baking soda and call 9-1-1.  I accidentally called 9-1-1 at work the other day and I can’t find my own mascara in the morning.  Do I sound like the person that would conquer a spreading grease fire?

In the monthly special, ‘Woman With a Tool,’ Maxim provided us with a seriously hammered girl holding a….you guessed it….hammer.  But don’t worry, she’s wearing steel-tipped panties.  Hoo-hah-hum. Clever, Maxim.  Want another gross visual?  Imagine Jason Biggs half-naked with sushi all over his soft, white man-chest.  Or just buy a Maxim and turn to page 46.

After paging through an intense baseball preview for this season and a few more nearly nakie chicks (um, Brittany Snow has some seriously freaky underwear situations going on) I came across a really creepy article called ‘Mananimals.’ Yes – there was actually a profile of a man who thinks he is a flying squirrel.  He has BASE-jumped off the Empire State building and has a special ‘gliding’ ability. Uh. Not sure what to make of this but suddenly everything about my life seems so crisp and clear.  The fact that I fully understand I am a human and not a goatling is enough for my sanity to shine its bright light on my personal clarity.  (What’s a goatling? Well, not to freak you out or anything, but there is actually a guy out there that eats bikes, TVs and coffins because he thinks is a goat.)

But that’s enough of all the weird stuff. Let’s get to the reason why anyone opens a Maxim to begin with: the sexy stuff. And there was plenty of it this month with Maxim’s juicy four-page spread:‘Sex Education: 2011 Sex Survey.’ Let see what people are actually admitting about sex these days.

Maxim Says: 45.9% say the best way for a guy to break the ice is to introduce himself.
Brittany Says: Pshh, I don’t know bout y’all but I’m sticking to the 1.0% that like a guy to bust in and start singing ‘You’ve Lost That Lovin Feelin.’  Ummmm, hello, where my ‘Top Gun’ fans at? Now that’s how you break the ice, people.

Maxim Says: 0.8% say a sixth finger is the biggest potential turn-off when meeting a man.
Brittany Says: A sixth finger? Have 8.8% of the people surveyed actually encountered that? And what’s wrong with a sixth finger? I think a third nipple would be far more offensive.

Maxim Says: 8.8% say nipple sucking and fondling bring them to orgasm.
Brittany Says: Who is lucky enough to receive a little purple nurple attention and end it with an O-face?  Not to mention, 1.8% of this survey said the third season of Glee gets them there. I love Cory Monteith just as much as the next girl but….oh wait, I guess I don’t.

Maxim Says: 7.2% say they want sex (plus foreplay) to last up to 20 minutes.
Brittany Says: That’s it? 20 minutes is your goal? Wow, people are Facebooking way too much.  Get off your computers and let the clock eat up an hour for that kind of romp in the park.  20 minutes? I set aside an hour of my day to eat macaroni and shop on Rue La La. Whoever said 20 minutes was enough, needs to re-prioritize their personal schedule of life.

Maxim Says: 1.0% fantasize about ferrets, balloons, and a jar of peanut butter during sex.
Brittany Says: I knew I wasn’t the only one out there.

Wanna see what other absurdities your bros are reading? Get more of Maxim’s goodness right here.

I was excited to dig into Maxim this month.  Somehow the magazine has been a monthly treat I have come to look forward to. It gives me the same feelings I get when I eat a big, gooey brownie  – indulgent, satisfied, and really, really guilty.

I learned a lot in this month’s issue of Maxim, starting with Michelle Trachenberg’s deepest and darkest secrets. (Seriously, her photo shoot looked like a vampire True Blood fantasy). Maxim taught me that contrary to what I learned in  Bambi, people really are not hornier in the springtime. Dag nabbit, Thumper!  How do you explain how my eyelashes grow and thicken so I can bat them at all the hotties in their Sperry’s every May? I also learned that it’s easier to give birth in the warmer months, hence the call to boning when the weather outside is frightful.

I was born in the warmer months…
Um, ew.

Moving on…

As I continued to flip through the raunch-fest, I happened upon a new photo column. It’s called ‘Woman With a Tool.’ No, hot chicks don’t pose with a different douchebag every month; they actually put on a lacy bra and suspenders and pose with a tool. Like, from a tool box. (The bros at Maxim HQ must have put on their thinking caps to come up with this one!)  This month, a saucy blonde is posing with a shovel… and I feel like that biotch is mocking me.  I have spent weeks shoveling out my car every morning and I didn’t do it in lingerie and stripper heels. Thanks for making me look bad, Bitch with a Shovel.

For all of the Jessica Simpsons out there, Maxim took it upon themselves to create a pictorial about how buffalo wild wings are made (to show their utmost appreciation for them).  The third step? Beautiful virgins bathe the wings in a potent blend of cosmic dust, angels’ tears, and sweet, sweet hot sauce.  Wait…so, like, buffaloes can swim and fly? Sorry – I don’t eat flying buffalo.

After plowing through a few interviews where girls in tight tops sans bra and short frilly pink skirts claimed their last meal was “french fries and goat cheese,” I came across ‘The Scaredy-Cat’s Guide to Kicking Your Phobias,’ an article for all the wimpy boys out there. And it’s a true gem.

Time to take a deep breath and conquer our fears, ya’ll. Fingers crossed there’s something in there to help get me over my fear of an empty box of Girl Scout cookies!

Maxim Says: Fear of peeing in the men’s room.  Your winkle refuses to tinkle? Solution: Hold your breath for thirty seconds.
Brittany Says: Clearly, I have never experienced this fear, but someone key me in: how is holding your breath going to make your winkie dink tink?  What happened to imagining a waterfall and getting the TLC song stuck in your head?

Maxim Says: Fear of flying.  Solution: Know the facts.  Almost all accidents happen in either the first three minutes after takeoff or the last eight minutes before touchdown, so relax and drink up for the rest of the flight.
Brittany Says: Pardon me for being Captain Obvious, but this sounds like a ‘fear of flying nightmare sandwich.’ Oh, so the plane is either going to nose dive in the first three minutes or the last eight?  I’m so looking forward to the three hours in the middle!

Maxim Says: Fear of death. Solution: Just say STOP.  Literally, when the thought of death enters your head say the word ‘stop.’
Brittany Says: On top of freaking out about croaking, I’m not going to waste my precious life away having arguments with myself. Besides, I’d just get The Supremes song stuck in my head and no one wants to live their life like that.

Maxim Says: Fear of motorcycles. Solution: Wear all the gear. Understand the risks and minimize them. When you do go out there alone, stay away from booze.
Brittany Says: Does Maxim really have to remind guys to not drink and drive? Here’s some advice: Afraid of motorcycles? DRIVE A CAR. There, was that so hard?

Oh, and where’s the advice for a guy who’s afraid of commitment? Can we get some real advice up in here?

This isn’t Maxim’s first rodeo. Get more of their ridiculous advice right here.

All in all, this magazine makes me want to be a brand new woman.  A woman that understands what men truly like in tools and snowmobiles, how to defeat Call of Duty Black Ops, where to find the best American bars and how to get laid and live forever.

Aren’t those things just the sneaky little tidbits every girl wants to know about…?

If I had that capacity as a women (to authentically care who the first person was to catch a touchdown at the Super Bowl) I feel like I would find so many more opportunities in life.  Opportunities that presented themselves in the form of men that wanted to worship me, that is.

If only I could spew out cool facts and advice just like Maxim does…or become as ballsy as Spanish women who, according to Maxim, are two times more likely to hit on men than American women. (Maybe it’s got something to do with their culture, but I have a feeling that has more to do with the fact that every word in the Spanish language is just sexier than their American counterparts.  Take the word ‘poop’ for example. Translate it into Spanish and – boom! – you have ‘caca.’  Instantly more sexy.  Or maybe that’s just me…) Or master the  ‘Maxim sultry pose,’ or, as I like to call it, ‘The Maxim Sauce.’  Nearly every nakie chick in the magazine encourages me to try to smile with my eyes (like Tyra taught me) and lay sideways on my bed so my thighs don’t touch and my arm flab sits effortlessly behind my rib cage.

Which, as you probably realized long before I did, is not easy. In fact, it’s down right impossible, especially as I’m reading the interview with the flawless chick in the spread to get some insight into her perfect everything and all I want to do is throw the magazine across the room when she says, “I eat like a teenage boy, so my preference at dinner is to order meat and carbohydrates. Steak is yummy.”

Are you kidding me, lacy panties?  Steak did not grant you the ability to lay in that unforgiving position and look good while doing it.

Moving on. February is my favorite month for magazine editions, especially one that caters to the confused, horny, and thriving-to-please-women manly-man.  Why, you ask?  Because Valentine’s Day opens the doors for embarrassment and rejection romance.  This month in Maxim, writers fell head over heels with giving ‘love advice’ from every saucy angle, including a list of ‘Apathetic Valentine’s Day Greeting Card Messages.’ One of my favorites included, “Settling has its advantages.” Good job, boys. But not as good as ‘The Lazy Man’s Guide to Valentine’s Day.’

Mmhmm I can already tell Maxim is going to be sprinkled with some fabulous advice for men to woo their (overly emotional and sexed up) women. Can’t wait!!

Maxim Says: Buy lingerie you want to see her in.
Brittany Says: While I understand a woman should want to dress sexy for her current creme de la creme, I only see this going downhill. Fast. In fact, I’ll start this like a joke. Ahem. Is this thing on? OK, so a guy walks into a lingerie store….and comes out with…butt floss and chains?  No thanks.

Maxim Says: If you forget Valentine’s Day, write her a real, pouring your heart out love note. And make sure it’s handwritten; it shows effort and it’s very Valentine-y.
Brittany Says: I’m not the type of girl that’s going to get my butt floss in a bunch if my boyfriend forgets Valentine’s Day.  But I also wouldn’t date an idiot that is completely oblivious to V-Day vomiting all over his face from the minute the Christmas lights come down.  Save a tree and OPEN YOUR EYES, bucko.

Maxim Says: [On getting a threesome with your girlfriend on V-Day] Heel your horndog.  Don’t act too pumped that you’re bedding two women.  Yelling “who wants the boom stick first?” will make you look like a loser.
Brittany Says: If any dude is getting a threesome on Valentine’s Day with their girlfriend and another woman, I say let that freak flag fly, boys.  Because it will be in your dreams.

Maxim Says: [Cont. on getting a threesome with your girlfriend on V-Day] Make it about her.
Brittany Says: That is so sweet, I could just about poop candy hearts.   Oh, I mean ‘caca’ candy hearts.

I want to be in Maxim.

Actually, I need to be in Maxim.  Sure, this isn’t the loftiest goal for a college girl, but the chicks in the magazine look so damn fly, I just have to conquer the world somehow and showing up in a small spread with winged eye-liner, dark eye shadow, and a frilly polka dot swimsuit, rolling around in mud, seems like the best way to do it.

Hey Maxim photographers out there, I photograph pretty well (especially when I’m intoxicated). Call me!

Anyway, let’s get to the issue shall we?  Katy Perry was on the cover (again), debuting her seemingly weightless titties.  Yum. Happy Kwanzaa everyone.  Another article exposed some pretty freaky sexy-time toys, including a Lady Gaga blow-up doll that loves when you ‘poke-her-face’ and a girly sex toy called the Edward Cullen.  Let’s just say it sparkles.  When is the werewolf edition coming out??

Since Maxim is always a helpful source for man’s utmost problems, a special article instructed men on ‘Secret Sexting.’ On the next page, Maxim included an article about how to treat an open fracture…on a mountain.  I’m dying to know, what if you fractured your leg on a mountain because you were sexting?  Man problems….

Also featured in the Maxim, was ‘The Big List.’ Did you know the biggest fake boobs recorded this year are 36MMMs.  Or that someone could die while motor-boating?  Also interesting: the world’s biggest bunny is 4’3″. Move out the way, Snookster!

And here it comes…my favorite article of the month: ‘Rules of Attraction: How to Read Her Poker Face.’ Did you read that correctly, boys?  It didn’t say ‘How to Poke Her Face.’  Thanks a lot, Lil’ Wayne, for ruining everything.  But the best part of the article was a small snippet on the bottom called, ‘What’s Her Sign.’ So, she’s giving you the green light, but the green light for what?

Maxim Says: Long-term relationship: She orders thoughtfully, nothing that requires eating with the fingers, and she only drinks wine.
Brittany Says: While I understand ‘being ladylike’ is essential in roping in your hunky hunk,  I will not rule out first date Buffalo Wild Wings material, even if I’m out with the man of my dreams. Order those wings, drink some beer, and get comfortable. If he doesn’t love you with buffalo sauce on your face, screw him.

Maxim Says: Casual Fling: She doesn’t show too much interest in you. She drinks quite a bit, but doesn’t get drunk.  She doesn’t involve you in her real life and never introduces you to her friends.
Brittany Says: When I’m in it for a casual fling, you better believe I get drunk, introduce you to every single one of my friends (and passersby) and touch you in all those happy places. Isn’t that what “casual” is all about?

Maxim Says: One-night stand: She may have an overnight bag in her car or a big purse with a change of underwear.
Brittany Says: Hey, just because I carry a huge sack around for all my essentials (i.e. tampons, planner, magazine, Thanksgiving leftovers, etc.) doesn’t mean I want to hit the other sack and never remember your name.

Maxim Says: Just friendship: She’d visit you in the hospital or in jail, but she never flirts or cuddles with you.  She may hang out in baggy sweatpants.
Brittany Says: This is probably all true.  Except for the part about visiting him in jail.  My best guy friends are all alone on that one.