This month, as I purchased my Maxim magazine and saw a photo spread of tall and awkward Whitney port looking SO EFFING HOT, I decided something.

I want to be in Maxim.

Actually, I need to be in Maxim.  Sure, this isn’t the loftiest goal for a college girl, but the chicks in the magazine look so damn fly, I just have to conquer the world somehow and showing up in a small spread with winged eye-liner, dark eye shadow, and a frilly polka dot swimsuit, rolling around in mud, seems like the best way to do it.

Hey Maxim photographers out there, I photograph pretty well (especially when I’m intoxicated). Call me!

Anyway, let’s get to the issue shall we?  Katy Perry was on the cover (again), debuting her seemingly weightless titties.  Yum. Happy Kwanzaa everyone.  Another article exposed some pretty freaky sexy-time toys, including a Lady Gaga blow-up doll that loves when you ‘poke-her-face’ and a girly sex toy called the Edward Cullen.  Let’s just say it sparkles.  When is the werewolf edition coming out??

Since Maxim is always a helpful source for man’s utmost problems, a special article instructed men on ‘Secret Sexting.’ On the next page, Maxim included an article about how to treat an open fracture…on a mountain.  I’m dying to know, what if you fractured your leg on a mountain because you were sexting?  Man problems….

Also featured in the Maxim, was ‘The Big List.’ Did you know the biggest fake boobs recorded this year are 36MMMs.  Or that someone could die while motor-boating?  Also interesting: the world’s biggest bunny is 4’3″. Move out the way, Snookster! Read More »

It’s that time of month again; for me to buy the magazine I hate after I consume the eighty pieces of pie (with a side of whipped cream) because I’ve browsed the pages full of cute blondes wearing Aerie panties, faux-fur hats, all while riding crotch rockets.  Come on Maxim, put some clothes on these ladies, I can see their midriff.

While reading Maxim this month, I’m really beginning to believe woman’s magazines need to mix it up a little bit.  In Maxim this month, they had half naked girls, wearing flannel and lace, showcasing great gift ideas for men.  Are you taking notes Cosmo/Glamour/Allure/whoeveryouare? Slap some men wearing spandex holding a puppy (or a tea cup pig, those things are cute) inside your glossy pages already!

Also inside this month’s issue was a helpful article about ‘How to Stop an Overflowing Toilet.’ Hey, everybody poops, people.  It sounds complicated, but if you’re in doubt just speed-read to the last step: Call a plumber, your septic tank is probably just backed up. Um, yummy.

After page upon page of ‘Battlefield Maxim’ (you can only imagine lots of guns and camo were involved) I landed on ‘What Does Your Kardashian Preference Say About You?’ Naturally, I’m more of an butt girl, so my Kimmy preference means I’m “narcissistic, feel like I’m not good enough, and want someone who looks really good but doesn’t threaten my ego.” Well sh*t, I changed my mind – I like Khloe.

Finally, I came across a little helpful feature for dudes called ‘Man vs. Holidays.’ The article instructed men to grab a broom, some booze, and throw a kick-butt holiday par-tay.

The advice was cute, but coming from a woman, it’s only natural to make a little fun.  After all, the Maxim advice came from our male counterpart.  Let’s see what he had to say.

Maxim Says: I advocate buying some scented candles for the bathroom. It’ll not only make your guests feel less conscious about dropping a deuce, but it’s comforting. Go for autumnal colors and aromas.  And spread them around.

Brittany Says: What’s with Maxim and buying scented candles to ‘set the mood’ for any/every household activity?  I mean, I’m all about making any sh*t situation comfortable, but not if I’m going to light my ass on fire.

Read More »

Unlike Brody Jenner, I was extremely depressed when I saw Avril Lavigne’s trashy corset and horse-tail extensions smeared all over Maxim this month.  Regardless, loyal to the man-mag and the bro-tastic insight inside, I snatched up the magazine. And that badboy was thick!  I even had to pull out my 3-D goggles again for a few (almost) nakie chick spreads.  This shiz puts the IMAX theater and Avatar to shame!

Inside, once you got past the trying-to-be-sexy Avril pics, was a hilarious small feature on celebs that truly need them some Dr. Drew.  They included Jennifer Aniston (because of her addiction to crappy rom coms), Lebron James (because of his inability to refer to himself in first person), and Barack Obama (because of his chemical dependence on mom pants).  There was also one of those charts, like the ones in J-14 that help you decide which celebopper you’re going to marry, however Maxim’s helps you decide what type of person you are going to hook up with during Thanksgiving.  If you’re interested, I took the quiz.  Apparently I’m going to hook up with my grandmother’s Jamaican nurse.

Also in November’s issue, Bret Michaels was featured in an article telling us how to be a reality star.  Unfortunately, he left out the important stuff like “get a spray tan” and “always cover up forehead acne with a bandanna.”  He did leave us with this gem, though: “At some point you have to forget about the cameras all around you. I had to get drunk.” OHEMGEEEEE, Bret! We’re so synced – just replace “cameras” with “D-Bags and midterms.”  Read More »

While I’ve been becoming increasingly comfortable with going to my local grocery and purchasing my monthly Maxim magazine, I had a moment while buying my October edition which pushed me right back to square one.  First of all, the only magazine available looked like it had been used previously in the grocery store bathroom. The thing was an absolute disaster. Upon taking it to the cash register self check out, it refused to scan.  Seconds later, I had nearly the entire Sunday staff attempting to scan my item: a big healthy Maxim magazine. And a family-size bag of Sunchips.

After smuggling the Maxim against my chest and running to the safety of my trusty Ford, I was welcomed with a free pair of 3D glasses and half naked pictures of Anna Kournikova ready to jump out at me.  No wonder the issue I bought was mangled and slightly ripped.  Any man who got a hold of it would not be able to wait another second to bust it open and take a gander.  And I am not ashamed to admit that was the first thing I did prior to fleeing Food Mart.

Since I’m a total Halloween buff, I was more than excited to find the article ‘Halloween Eve Candy: Hot Models in Tiny Costumes.’ Well, except for that last part.  Maxim also featured an article called, ‘How to Beat Up Bigfoot’ for all of those individuals out there who I know are concerned about coming face to face with a backyard bigfoot attack.  For the record, start with an aerial assult; a ground attack is simply to risky.

Further into the issue, when I finally got past the many 3D images of Kournikova’s lucious ta-tas (might I add, the ocean in the background looked amazing), was a fabulous article debating whether or not one should celebrate Halloween.  This is funny because in a list of pros and cons, they listed a pro as, “It’s acceptable to have your erection poking through your zipper as long as you make horsey noices and tell people you’re a unicorn.”

Solid.

Anyway, an article that made me giggle was found in a little corner near the back called ‘The Grab Bag.’  For Halloween, it listed step by step how to ‘Cast A Spell On Her.’ AKA, how to steal a girl’s heart using sorcery. Thanks, Maxim, for making me nervous for the next full moon. Read More »

"Lindsay Untamed"? Shouldn't that just be "Lindsay on a Wednesday"?

There it was, hiding behind a few GQ magazines on the top shelf in a florescent lit aisle of Target.  I stood on my tippy toes and extended my arm to reach for the red letters and glossy pages of Maxim. And as I lifted the thin magazine by its pages and into my view, my mouth dropped and a sourpuss equal to those of Sammi Sweetheart washed over my face.  Why, you ask?

Lindsay Lohan was touching herself in a skimpy, striped, frilly swimsuit on the cover.

But, do not fret; I must have been exuding some good karma lately because a bonus mini-mag inside this month’s issue appeared in my fingertips: ‘Maxim Campus Cuties: The Hottest College Girls In America.’ Anndddd, in the name of all things good looking ladies, Maxim has redeemed themselves. Let’s get reading.

This month, Maxim showed old people some love when they dedicated a small article to our wrinkled warriors called, ‘Hooray for Old People!’ In it, grandmas and papas shared some hilarious tales, like the time that one granny drove her kids around on the top of their Buick. That brought on the LOLs. In Maxim’s monthly sex article, they actually provided us with a purty hilarious bit called ‘Just the Tips.’ It featured silly sex advice from various magazines (Editor’s Note: Like this one, perhaps??) and some hilarious stories about a Maxim author trying them with her boyfriend. One of the quotes from the story to give you a little insight: “When it comes to massage his legs with a rolling pin, I balk. Who do they think I am, Betty freaking Crocker?” You can only imagine the turns that article took. Amazeballs. Read More »

You can imagine why I had to hide this cover from my dad...

If I were to understand what guys need advice on via Maxim magazine, there would be three things; grilling, telling jokes, and this month, ‘what to do if you’re approached by a hot woman or a bear.”  Golf-clap to you Maxim – job well done.

I purchased my monthly edition of the saucy mag this month and was bombarded by articles about steaks and coal-fire grills. And all of the men out there listening? When approached by a bear, offer it food. But when approached by a woman? Offering it food ain’t such a good idea.

While reading it inside of a Glamour magazine to block the Maxim cover from my father, I came upon many other intriguing articles. One in particular went on a hateful rant about ‘Why Summer Sucks.’ I couldn’t believe someone could possibly be shunning summertime. Needless to say, I was intrigued and read on.  The number one summer complaint? Scantily clad females. Why? Because “they never talk to you and you have to stare at their minimum clothed bodies anyway.”  Does this man realize he is complaining about partially nude woman that never complain/whine/talk?!  That’s news to me, bud.

Other articles featured were ‘How to Cook in a Bachelor Pad Fridge,’ and ‘Oregon Trail 2.0′ (a Maxim atlas full of places to conduct the gnarliest of gnarly road trips).  One article even gave men advice about how to have a proper summer fling.  The article was pretty right on, not that summer flings are rocket science. Maxim was having a modest trip so far – I was even debating letting this mag sit on my family coffee table after its use.

And then a lovely little article birthed itself from the Maxim pages.  That’s right, we were lucky enough to be given an article titled, ‘The Maxim Porn Dictionary.’  This article defined many pornarific items anyone should be scared to admit they utilize. Beyond defining ‘pedal pumping,’ this article had a lot more to offer.  Like how to navigate and use the terms. This is going to be good weird. Read More »

It’s that time of month again: Maxim has slapped a cover-photo of a sultry women touching her tresses on newsstands everywhere. And I’m busy shoving the copy in my purse for later…. when I’m not sitting next to my dad on a plane. Honestly, I can’t get enough of the magazine. Besides having to get over the embarrassment of flipping to a spread with nearly nude women in public, the mag is a skeleton key into the male mind. And I’ll take it. Again, and again, and again.

So of course I could not help myself when I came across an article called ‘Check Your Head’ which showcased some insane sex tips for men. Before reading, I instantly predicted an article that was going to make me giggle like a school girl, but turns out, the article was really good and had some real good (ahem) tips. All the men out there reading this, get the issue now and flip to page 52. Your new name will be ‘Golden God.’

Anyway, (whoa, train of thought, where art thou?) sprinkled in with the many token sexy girl interviews telling men how to properly take off their T-shirts, there was a hilarious and interesting interview with Chris Rock, where he stated his proudest accomplishment was Pootie Tang. Awesome.

And finally, I ran across a man-advice juiced article aptly named, Spring Clean Your Life. I couldn’t wait to dig in and discover what men are worried about de-cluttering come spring time. All of their crusty instant macaroni bowls? Sticky shot glasses? Old Playboy? Febreeze bottles? Errr….not so much. Guys are actually worried about things I would never think of in my entire existence, until now. Honestly, if it weren’t for the half naked girls on every other page in the mag, I would have sworn this article was written for a woman.

I guess getting one’s sh*t together in guy speak is a lot like get one’s sh*t together in girl speak. Let’s take a gander, shall we? Read More »

For proper Spring Break travel etiquette, I highly suggest not dragging along an issue of Maxim.  Take my word for it; trying to flip through pages of half naked sex-pots while sitting next to the cute family on their first trip to Disney Land does not constitute for a comfortable situation.  Regardless, I’ve always loved the articles in Maxim.  It is like peeking into the man-brain in magazine form. Absolutely genius… or absolutely full of half-naked girls licking the bottoms of their shoes.

Ever since me and my girlfriends dubbed Maxim the essential road-trip material of choice, I haven’t been able to resist an issue here and there. And this month’s issue did not fail in the ‘getting into the male’s brain’ department.

After flipping quickly through all of the racy spreads of Maxim babes while withholding my own personal commentary about their swimsuits and lingerie of choice, I landed on some interesting material.  I giggled at an article honoring the 25th anniversary of the first space shuttle launch, in which Maxim listed Nasa-patented technology that makes women ‘hotter than the sun.’ The list included how hair, cleavage, teeth, skin, and scent have all been influenced by the orbit to make chicks even hotter.  So I can thank Pluto for my assets? Awesome.

Maxim also gifted us with an interview from Ke$ha (why does it bother me that I have insert the dollar sign in her name), featuring her craziest moments, which included: vomiting in Paris Hilton’s closet, robbing David Spade, breaking into Prince’s house, and (almost) getting attacked by a barracuda. And I still don’t know why I have to use a dollar sign in her name.

And finally, the big kahuna: The Dirty Truth 2010 Survey: Where 4,000 Women Tell All. I couldn’t wait to read it and see the secrets we ladies were passing on to our male counterparts. To close the communication gap and finally have all our answers out on the table. Instead I scratched my head and wondered who the hell these 4,000 women were they found to take the survey. Let’s take a look. Read More »

Above, an outtake from Ke$ha’s sexy Maxim photoshoot. Because nothing’s sexier than twisting yourself into a pretzel so you can lick the bottom of your shoe.

I understand her whole party girl/rock star image, but WTF is she trying to do here?

"Here's the thing about us women..."

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to guys over the years.

Things that would no doubt make my life (and the life of the girl who came along after me) so much easier…and pleasure-filled. Or things that I never got the chance to say because the boy decided to break up with me via email instead of growing some balls and saying it to my face and I didn’t want to look like the crazy bitch who can’t handle a break up and then sends back an angry email talking about how bad he was in bed and how he’s clearly over-compensating in his life for his lack of package.

Sorry. Little bit angry right now.

The point is, if I’ve learned anything from all my he said/she said-ing, it’s that communication is key when it comes to the relationship between men and women. They can’t read our minds and we can’t read theirs.  So I started thinking about all the things I’ve wanted to say to boys over the years – everything they need to know when it comes to us ladies – and I asked my guy to do the same.

Hopefully this will clear things up for all of us and we can all live happily ever after.
Now where’s my Nobel Prize? Read More »