I want to be in Maxim.

Actually, I need to be in Maxim.  Sure, this isn’t the loftiest goal for a college girl, but the chicks in the magazine look so damn fly, I just have to conquer the world somehow and showing up in a small spread with winged eye-liner, dark eye shadow, and a frilly polka dot swimsuit, rolling around in mud, seems like the best way to do it.

Hey Maxim photographers out there, I photograph pretty well (especially when I’m intoxicated). Call me!

Anyway, let’s get to the issue shall we?  Katy Perry was on the cover (again), debuting her seemingly weightless titties.  Yum. Happy Kwanzaa everyone.  Another article exposed some pretty freaky sexy-time toys, including a Lady Gaga blow-up doll that loves when you ‘poke-her-face’ and a girly sex toy called the Edward Cullen.  Let’s just say it sparkles.  When is the werewolf edition coming out??

Since Maxim is always a helpful source for man’s utmost problems, a special article instructed men on ‘Secret Sexting.’ On the next page, Maxim included an article about how to treat an open fracture…on a mountain.  I’m dying to know, what if you fractured your leg on a mountain because you were sexting?  Man problems….

Also featured in the Maxim, was ‘The Big List.’ Did you know the biggest fake boobs recorded this year are 36MMMs.  Or that someone could die while motor-boating?  Also interesting: the world’s biggest bunny is 4’3″. Move out the way, Snookster!

And here it comes…my favorite article of the month: ‘Rules of Attraction: How to Read Her Poker Face.’ Did you read that correctly, boys?  It didn’t say ‘How to Poke Her Face.’  Thanks a lot, Lil’ Wayne, for ruining everything.  But the best part of the article was a small snippet on the bottom called, ‘What’s Her Sign.’ So, she’s giving you the green light, but the green light for what?

Maxim Says: Long-term relationship: She orders thoughtfully, nothing that requires eating with the fingers, and she only drinks wine.
Brittany Says: While I understand ‘being ladylike’ is essential in roping in your hunky hunk,  I will not rule out first date Buffalo Wild Wings material, even if I’m out with the man of my dreams. Order those wings, drink some beer, and get comfortable. If he doesn’t love you with buffalo sauce on your face, screw him.

Maxim Says: Casual Fling: She doesn’t show too much interest in you. She drinks quite a bit, but doesn’t get drunk.  She doesn’t involve you in her real life and never introduces you to her friends.
Brittany Says: When I’m in it for a casual fling, you better believe I get drunk, introduce you to every single one of my friends (and passersby) and touch you in all those happy places. Isn’t that what “casual” is all about?

Maxim Says: One-night stand: She may have an overnight bag in her car or a big purse with a change of underwear.
Brittany Says: Hey, just because I carry a huge sack around for all my essentials (i.e. tampons, planner, magazine, Thanksgiving leftovers, etc.) doesn’t mean I want to hit the other sack and never remember your name.

Maxim Says: Just friendship: She’d visit you in the hospital or in jail, but she never flirts or cuddles with you.  She may hang out in baggy sweatpants.
Brittany Says: This is probably all true.  Except for the part about visiting him in jail.  My best guy friends are all alone on that one.

While reading Maxim this month, I’m really beginning to believe woman’s magazines need to mix it up a little bit.  In Maxim this month, they had half naked girls, wearing flannel and lace, showcasing great gift ideas for men.  Are you taking notes Cosmo/Glamour/Allure/whoeveryouare? Slap some men wearing spandex holding a puppy (or a tea cup pig, those things are cute) inside your glossy pages already!

Also inside this month’s issue was a helpful article about ‘How to Stop an Overflowing Toilet.’ Hey, everybody poops, people.  It sounds complicated, but if you’re in doubt just speed-read to the last step: Call a plumber, your septic tank is probably just backed up. Um, yummy.

After page upon page of ‘Battlefield Maxim’ (you can only imagine lots of guns and camo were involved) I landed on ‘What Does Your Kardashian Preference Say About You?’ Naturally, I’m more of an butt girl, so my Kimmy preference means I’m “narcissistic, feel like I’m not good enough, and want someone who looks really good but doesn’t threaten my ego.” Well sh*t, I changed my mind – I like Khloe.

Finally, I came across a little helpful feature for dudes called ‘Man vs. Holidays.’ The article instructed men to grab a broom, some booze, and throw a kick-butt holiday par-tay.

The advice was cute, but coming from a woman, it’s only natural to make a little fun.  After all, the Maxim advice came from our male counterpart.  Let’s see what he had to say.

Maxim Says: I advocate buying some scented candles for the bathroom. It’ll not only make your guests feel less conscious about dropping a deuce, but it’s comforting. Go for autumnal colors and aromas.  And spread them around.

Brittany Says: What’s with Maxim and buying scented candles to ‘set the mood’ for any/every household activity?  I mean, I’m all about making any sh*t situation comfortable, but not if I’m going to light my ass on fire.

Maxim Says: Pick up some cheap decorations; wreaths, menorahs, pine-cones, dreidels, acorns, fake leaves.

Brittany Says: Wreaths, I understand.  But pine-cones, fake leaves, and acorns?  What kind of nest are we building here, people?  We don’t live in a tree, and the last time I checked – I wasn’t shoving nuts in my mouth for later…hmmm.

Maxim Says: An even better investment is a digital picture frame. Work in photos from previous holidays, “Oh my God, that’s Aunt Gertie’s birthday? It was so funny when she popped out of the cake!”

Brittany Says: I always thought digital picture frames were cheesy and ridiculous.  Why don’t you just open up your laptop and let the live stream of pictures from your iphoto roll freely.  ”Oh my God, that’s Little Bobby making out with a girl dressed up as Little Bo Peep Show!”

Maxim Says: It’s time to do host/cook.  For starters, look the part. There are a few things women find sexier than a man in a shirt and tie with the sleeves rolled up and an around his waist running the show.

Brittany Says: Even better, wear an apron with pink cupcakes and butterflies on it.  There are a few things woman find not sexier than letting your freak-lady-like-flag fly.

Maxim Says: If you still some energy it’s time to hit the town. The holidays mean going out with your old high school buddies. The first thing to remember is there is no such thing as bad press, so invite your buddies over and have them sample all your food.  Because at the bar  you can always go, “Dude, how good was my brisket?” Now you have a marketing director.

Brittany Says: You have to be careful with this one.  Girls may think ‘brisket’ is code for something else. There may be no such thing as bad press, but there is such thing as gay press.

Regardless that I’m making fun – I thought this article was absolutely adorable.  The fact men out there are reading this and dreaming about their life as a manly Martha Stewart is a delicate, cute, flower. Keep up the nice work boys!

Inside, once you got past the trying-to-be-sexy Avril pics, was a hilarious small feature on celebs that truly need them some Dr. Drew.  They included Jennifer Aniston (because of her addiction to crappy rom coms), Lebron James (because of his inability to refer to himself in first person), and Barack Obama (because of his chemical dependence on mom pants).  There was also one of those charts, like the ones in J-14 that help you decide which celebopper you’re going to marry, however Maxim’s helps you decide what type of person you are going to hook up with during Thanksgiving.  If you’re interested, I took the quiz.  Apparently I’m going to hook up with my grandmother’s Jamaican nurse.

Also in November’s issue, Bret Michaels was featured in an article telling us how to be a reality star.  Unfortunately, he left out the important stuff like “get a spray tan” and “always cover up forehead acne with a bandanna.”  He did leave us with this gem, though: “At some point you have to forget about the cameras all around you. I had to get drunk.” OHEMGEEEEE, Bret! We’re so synced – just replace “cameras” with “D-Bags and midterms.” 

But even that wasn’t enough to grab my full attention quite like Maxim’s take on giving thanks….to sex.  The article featured a bit about what real girls are most thankful for…in bed. And my oh my, the article seemed pretty right on. Especially the smaller inset article, ‘Thanks, But No Thanks: These Items Make Our List of Sexual Turkeys’ that took a look at the crazy sexy toys people turn to. I hear you loud and clear, Maxim -  some sex toys just aren’t great for play foreplay.

Here’s what I have to say about ‘em:

Maxim Says: Fundies. Just think of the three-legged races you could have in these smushy panties for two.
Brittany Says: Fundies?!  I think a pair of sexy undies is probably better for sexy time than shoving all of your good stuff into one pair of panties with your man.  This reminds me of those three-legged races I hated in middle school.  Hated! I would always trip and embarrass myself in front of my entire class. Looking back, though, at least I wasn’t nearly naked with my partner’s bits flopping around right next to me. Whose ideas was this?!

Maxim Says: Oral Sex Light. Bluetooth headset meets reading lamp in this totally unnecessary sex “toy.” Ironically, can’t help you find your dignity when it’s on.
Brittany Says: This sounds like MTV’s Room Raiders gone all wrong.  The only time I want to see a “oral light” is when my dentist is sticking it in my mouth to make sure I haven’t developed a nasty case of gingivitis.

Maxim Says: Blowup Sheep. If you’re into animals, go for it. But wouldn’t the real thing be better than the silence of this lamb?
Brittany Says: The fact Maxim compared this sex toy to Hannibal Lecter is enough to scare me sh*tless. And the fact that they’re discussing getting down and dirty with a live animal is just too much for words.

Maxim Says: Al Gore’s Sex Scandal.  Charges against him were dropped, but we’re still scarred for life by the idea of Gore exposing his south pole and telling a message therapist, “Take care of this.”
Brittany Says: I don’t understand how anything about Al Gore has to do with sex toys.  Let’s just leave this man to his Global Warming campaign and as far away from the bedroom as possible. Shudder.

After smuggling the Maxim against my chest and running to the safety of my trusty Ford, I was welcomed with a free pair of 3D glasses and half naked pictures of Anna Kournikova ready to jump out at me.  No wonder the issue I bought was mangled and slightly ripped.  Any man who got a hold of it would not be able to wait another second to bust it open and take a gander.  And I am not ashamed to admit that was the first thing I did prior to fleeing Food Mart.

Since I’m a total Halloween buff, I was more than excited to find the article ‘Halloween Eve Candy: Hot Models in Tiny Costumes.’ Well, except for that last part.  Maxim also featured an article called, ‘How to Beat Up Bigfoot’ for all of those individuals out there who I know are concerned about coming face to face with a backyard bigfoot attack.  For the record, start with an aerial assult; a ground attack is simply to risky.

Further into the issue, when I finally got past the many 3D images of Kournikova’s lucious ta-tas (might I add, the ocean in the background looked amazing), was a fabulous article debating whether or not one should celebrate Halloween.  This is funny because in a list of pros and cons, they listed a pro as, “It’s acceptable to have your erection poking through your zipper as long as you make horsey noices and tell people you’re a unicorn.”

Solid.

Anyway, an article that made me giggle was found in a little corner near the back called ‘The Grab Bag.’  For Halloween, it listed step by step how to ‘Cast A Spell On Her.’ AKA, how to steal a girl’s heart using sorcery. Thanks, Maxim, for making me nervous for the next full moon.

Maxim Says: Purchase a large pink candle.  Yes, it has to be pink, since that’s the color associated with Venus, the goddess of boning.
Brittany Says: Personally, I would prefer a pumpkin spice scented candle.  Yes, it has to be pumpkin spice because that’s associated with one of the best smells in the world and doesn’t make me question why the guy I’m with has a pink candle in his room.

Maxim Says: Mix your own batch of “venus oil” with cardamom, rose, spearmint, tonka, and ylang-ylang.
Brittany Says: Seriously, can we just stick with the pumpkin spice?  I can’t stop thinking about it now.  I can promise you, women will be flocking to you until their dying day.

Maxim Says: Rub the oil on the candle (or yourself, rawr!) while saying out loud what kind of lady you are looking for.  Be specific – brunette, blonde, slim, woolly mammoth, etc.
Brittany Says: I’m confused about the woolly mammoth preference.  Is this where ‘How to Beat Up Bigfoot’ comes into play?

Maxim Says: Venus is a fan of the number seven and of copper, so make the goddess an offering by placing seven pennies at the base of the candle. Let the candle burn for seven days. Sit back and wait for your dream woman to appear!
Brittany Says: Or sit back until you burn down your place of residency and lose your security deposit.

Maxim Says: Showing off your vintage G.I. Joe action figures will definitely undo any magic on her, so resist the urge.
Brittany Says: So will all that ylang ylang oil glistening on your chest.  Life ain’t a Beyonce music video, kay?

Brittany Wonders, Worried: How many sad, pathetic, lonely Maxim readers are hitting up their local Yankee Candle right now?

"Lindsay Untamed"? Shouldn't that just be "Lindsay on a Wednesday"?

There it was, hiding behind a few GQ magazines on the top shelf in a florescent lit aisle of Target.  I stood on my tippy toes and extended my arm to reach for the red letters and glossy pages of Maxim. And as I lifted the thin magazine by its pages and into my view, my mouth dropped and a sourpuss equal to those of Sammi Sweetheart washed over my face.  Why, you ask?

Lindsay Lohan was touching herself in a skimpy, striped, frilly swimsuit on the cover.

But, do not fret; I must have been exuding some good karma lately because a bonus mini-mag inside this month’s issue appeared in my fingertips: ‘Maxim Campus Cuties: The Hottest College Girls In America.’ Anndddd, in the name of all things good looking ladies, Maxim has redeemed themselves. Let’s get reading.

This month, Maxim showed old people some love when they dedicated a small article to our wrinkled warriors called, ‘Hooray for Old People!’ In it, grandmas and papas shared some hilarious tales, like the time that one granny drove her kids around on the top of their Buick. That brought on the LOLs. In Maxim’s monthly sex article, they actually provided us with a purty hilarious bit called ‘Just the Tips.’ It featured silly sex advice from various magazines (Editor’s Note: Like this one, perhaps??) and some hilarious stories about a Maxim author trying them with her boyfriend. One of the quotes from the story to give you a little insight: “When it comes to massage his legs with a rolling pin, I balk. Who do they think I am, Betty freaking Crocker?” You can only imagine the turns that article took. Amazeballs.

Of course this magazine was packed with Fantasy Football dream teams, fun gadgets (like drills and aural pleasure headphones), half nakie pictures of La Lohan (um, put a scarf on or something, cupcake), and action shots of airbrushed NFL cheerleaders bouncing their goodies on trampolines.

Anyway, let’s get to the good stuff.  My favorite article to cue the giggles was called, ‘How to Tell If You’re Dating a Russian Spy.’ Sh*t, there goes my cover.

Maxim Says: She fidgets. Touching her face…playing with an object in front of her…these are indicators of a liar’s stress.
Brittany Says: Let’s sink back down to real life. Real life as in, you guys just went on a date to Cucaracha Cantina and splitting the Rockin’ Burrito wasn’t such a good idea. TMI, maybe. True life, all the way.

Maxim Says: Her face is full of it. For example, she frowns when she says I love you.
Brittany Says: If she frowns when she says ‘I love you,’ I doubt she’s a Russian Spy. Actually, why don’t you Russian spy your ass into figuring out why you’re still dating her.

Maxim Says: She talks like Bob Dylan. Mumbling and talking faster than normal might indicate she’s desperately trying to rush past answering questions.
Brittany Says: First of all, leave Bob Dylan out of this. He wasn’t a Russian Spy, now was he? I say become concerned when she starts talking in a British accent and shaves her head…Brit Brit, I’m talking about you girlfriend.  Russian Spy or not, that shiz is just cray-cray.

Maxim Says: She squirms. Does she seem uncomfortable when you bring up the subject of, say, spying? If so, switch topics to baseball.
Brittany Says: If my boyfriend brought up the subject of spying on a normal basis, I would be a little uncomfortable too. Hey honey, this isn’t ‘James Bond: License-to-Quiz-Your-Girlfriend-About-Silly-Sh*t’ got it?

You can imagine why I had to hide this cover from my dad...

If I were to understand what guys need advice on via Maxim magazine, there would be three things; grilling, telling jokes, and this month, ‘what to do if you’re approached by a hot woman or a bear.”  Golf-clap to you Maxim – job well done.

I purchased my monthly edition of the saucy mag this month and was bombarded by articles about steaks and coal-fire grills. And all of the men out there listening? When approached by a bear, offer it food. But when approached by a woman? Offering it food ain’t such a good idea.

While reading it inside of a Glamour magazine to block the Maxim cover from my father, I came upon many other intriguing articles. One in particular went on a hateful rant about ‘Why Summer Sucks.’ I couldn’t believe someone could possibly be shunning summertime. Needless to say, I was intrigued and read on.  The number one summer complaint? Scantily clad females. Why? Because “they never talk to you and you have to stare at their minimum clothed bodies anyway.”  Does this man realize he is complaining about partially nude woman that never complain/whine/talk?!  That’s news to me, bud.

Other articles featured were ‘How to Cook in a Bachelor Pad Fridge,’ and ‘Oregon Trail 2.0′ (a Maxim atlas full of places to conduct the gnarliest of gnarly road trips).  One article even gave men advice about how to have a proper summer fling.  The article was pretty right on, not that summer flings are rocket science. Maxim was having a modest trip so far – I was even debating letting this mag sit on my family coffee table after its use.

And then a lovely little article birthed itself from the Maxim pages.  That’s right, we were lucky enough to be given an article titled, ‘The Maxim Porn Dictionary.’  This article defined many pornarific items anyone should be scared to admit they utilize. Beyond defining ‘pedal pumping,’ this article had a lot more to offer.  Like how to navigate and use the terms. This is going to be good weird.

Maxim Says: Pony Play: Involves wearing vinyl horse costumes, hooves, bit bridles, harnesses, and saddles, and playing “horsey” while riding your partner around.
Brittany Says: I maybe did this when I was twelve, but sexual intentions were not evident.

Maxim Says: Furry: ‘Furries’ get sexually aroused by wearing animal costumes; they romp with their critter-suited pals at “confurences” and sometimes do the dirty in their fuzzy get-ups.
Brittany Says: I’m never going to look my high school mascot in the eye mesh screen again.

Maxim Says: Tree: Bizarre subset of arborphilia, a sexual attraction to the sexy stumps, thick trunks, seductive bark openings, and beckoning branches of our arboreal buddies.
Brittany Says: When it comes to artistic expression, I can understand that trees are a sacred art form to capture the natural curves of their branches…movement in their leaves…but for actual sexual jive down south? Say it ain’t so.

Maxim Says: Food: The presentation of high-calorie foods as a substitute for sex.
Brittany Says: Can I partially agree with this one? I mean, if I’m hungry and there is a fine spread of delicious grub in front of me. . .no. Food is not substitute for sex. The cucumbers and mayonnaise stay on the sandwich. Bottom line.

Maxim Says: Furniture: ‘Furnies’ get off on stacking furniture in compromising positions and taking pictures of their handiwork.
Brittany Says: This puts Housewives of New Jersey into a sane and innocent place. And after all of those years wondering about the family you nanny, now you know what’s going on if you find a stack of Pottery Barn magazines placed on top of the toilet.

So of course I could not help myself when I came across an article called ‘Check Your Head’ which showcased some insane sex tips for men. Before reading, I instantly predicted an article that was going to make me giggle like a school girl, but turns out, the article was really good and had some real good (ahem) tips. All the men out there reading this, get the issue now and flip to page 52. Your new name will be ‘Golden God.’

Anyway, (whoa, train of thought, where art thou?) sprinkled in with the many token sexy girl interviews telling men how to properly take off their T-shirts, there was a hilarious and interesting interview with Chris Rock, where he stated his proudest accomplishment was Pootie Tang. Awesome.

And finally, I ran across a man-advice juiced article aptly named, Spring Clean Your Life. I couldn’t wait to dig in and discover what men are worried about de-cluttering come spring time. All of their crusty instant macaroni bowls? Sticky shot glasses? Old Playboy? Febreeze bottles? Errr….not so much. Guys are actually worried about things I would never think of in my entire existence, until now. Honestly, if it weren’t for the half naked girls on every other page in the mag, I would have sworn this article was written for a woman.

I guess getting one’s sh*t together in guy speak is a lot like get one’s sh*t together in girl speak. Let’s take a gander, shall we?

Maxim Says: Your Digital Self: When it comes to your profile photo, create a little mystery by avoiding direct eye contact or smiling. Women are more interested in guys who don’t mug, regardless of overall attractiveness.
Brittany Says: Oh really? First of all, do guys really think about this that much? Wow. Also, I don’t see this type of photo creating any sense of ‘mystery.’ When I see his MySpace-esque photo floating around the web, it is pretty clear to me what he is all about. And it’s creepy, not mysterious.

Maxim Says: Your Galley: All you need in your kitchen are these 16 things: nine-inch chef’s knife, cutting board, spatula, nonstick skillet, food mill, cast enamel pot, water/sauce pot, carrot peeler, can opener, microplane (grater), bench scraper (dough cutter), tongs, wine/bottle opener, big ass stirrin’ spoon, stainless-steel bowls, and a cookie sheet.
Brittany Says: All you need in your kitchen are these 3 things: Beer, bottle opener, mini fridge.

Maxim Says: Your Colon: Skip all booze and eat low-sodium organic broths, pure fruit and veggie juices, and a little whey protein; drink green tea. Let the bowel evacuation commence!
Brittany Says: Let the bowel evacuation come fashionably late. Obviously we all want our men to take care of themselves, but do men really consider this? For some reason, I do not see this happening in the real world. Can you? A veggie plate and a football game? A green tea and a poker tournament? I get it, it’s great advice to get that bowel business started, but all the men out there, just eat a fiber tablet or something… with the buffalo wings.

Maxim Says: Your Love Life: Are the fights getting vicious? Has the sex ceased? Would you rather do anything (work late, bar-hop, cut yourself?) than clock time with her? If yes, it’s a dead-end dude.
Brittany Says: Um, whoa. We went from bar-hop to cut yourself? That’s a little extreme, isn’t it? And this entire line does not do justice for all the men out there (considering it makes them look like lazy, careless, sex-fiends). So does this mean, if you’re not ready to cut yourself yet, it’s not a done deal?

For proper Spring Break travel etiquette, I highly suggest not dragging along an issue of Maxim.  Take my word for it; trying to flip through pages of half naked sex-pots while sitting next to the cute family on their first trip to Disney Land does not constitute for a comfortable situation.  Regardless, I’ve always loved the articles in Maxim.  It is like peeking into the man-brain in magazine form. Absolutely genius… or absolutely full of half-naked girls licking the bottoms of their shoes.

Ever since me and my girlfriends dubbed Maxim the essential road-trip material of choice, I haven’t been able to resist an issue here and there. And this month’s issue did not fail in the ‘getting into the male’s brain’ department.

After flipping quickly through all of the racy spreads of Maxim babes while withholding my own personal commentary about their swimsuits and lingerie of choice, I landed on some interesting material.  I giggled at an article honoring the 25th anniversary of the first space shuttle launch, in which Maxim listed Nasa-patented technology that makes women ‘hotter than the sun.’ The list included how hair, cleavage, teeth, skin, and scent have all been influenced by the orbit to make chicks even hotter.  So I can thank Pluto for my assets? Awesome.

Maxim also gifted us with an interview from Ke$ha (why does it bother me that I have insert the dollar sign in her name), featuring her craziest moments, which included: vomiting in Paris Hilton’s closet, robbing David Spade, breaking into Prince’s house, and (almost) getting attacked by a barracuda. And I still don’t know why I have to use a dollar sign in her name.

And finally, the big kahuna: The Dirty Truth 2010 Survey: Where 4,000 Women Tell All. I couldn’t wait to read it and see the secrets we ladies were passing on to our male counterparts. To close the communication gap and finally have all our answers out on the table. Instead I scratched my head and wondered who the hell these 4,000 women were they found to take the survey. Let’s take a look.

Maxim Says: 4.2 % say, “I don’t think about sex everyday.”
Brittany Says: I get it, maybe women aren’t as apt as men to think about sex every five minutes.  But the 4.2% in this category are clearly out for lunch. I’m not saying you have to think about sex every waking hour, or the minute you peal your banana for breakfast, but who are these people taking this survey? Nuns?

Maxim Says: 3.2% say they have had zero sexual partners.
Brittany Says: And there’s our answer.

Maxim Says: 58.3% say great oral sex would be the gift they would be most excited to receive; 24.2% designer high heels; 17.5% a puppy.
Brittany Says: What are we teaching our men out there, people? The women taking this survey mean to tell me they would rather have one romp in bed with a dude over a puppy? I can only imagine how bad their partners have been at going downtown.

Maxim Says: 10.1% say, 11+ inches is too big (for down under). 9.0% say, “there is no such thing.”
Brittany Says: Did anyone listen in grade school? That is progressing to be bigger than the length of a ruler. Of course that is too big, people! Do you really need a guy who can give it to you from the next room!?

Maxim Says: 56.4% say, ‘A criminal record’ would be information that would make you refuse to go out with him. 53.3% say, ‘Pictures of him douching out at a club – Jersey Shore style.’
Brittany Says: Dancing like The Situation in a club is criminal. Oh, and nearly 50% of participants have no problem dating someone with a record? Way to have standards, ladies.

Maxim Says: 81% do not want to attempt anal sex without asking.
Brittany Says: The other 19% have obviously never experienced the sneak attack. Once they do, they’ll be singing a different tune.

Above, an outtake from Ke$ha’s sexy Maxim photoshoot. Because nothing’s sexier than twisting yourself into a pretzel so you can lick the bottom of your shoe.

I understand her whole party girl/rock star image, but WTF is she trying to do here?

"Here's the thing about us women..."

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to guys over the years.

Things that would no doubt make my life (and the life of the girl who came along after me) so much easier…and pleasure-filled. Or things that I never got the chance to say because the boy decided to break up with me via email instead of growing some balls and saying it to my face and I didn’t want to look like the crazy bitch who can’t handle a break up and then sends back an angry email talking about how bad he was in bed and how he’s clearly over-compensating in his life for his lack of package.

Sorry. Little bit angry right now.

The point is, if I’ve learned anything from all my he said/she said-ing, it’s that communication is key when it comes to the relationship between men and women. They can’t read our minds and we can’t read theirs.  So I started thinking about all the things I’ve wanted to say to boys over the years – everything they need to know when it comes to us ladies – and I asked my guy to do the same.

Hopefully this will clear things up for all of us and we can all live happily ever after.
Now where’s my Nobel Prize?