The Awkward Guy

If He Were an Animal He’d Be A : Sun bear. Has a vacant, awkward stare, poor fingernail maintenance, adorable, loving.

The awkward guy. I’m not going to call him a ‘nerd’ because sometimes the awkward guy is a totally jacked gym rat and sometimes he’s a complete sports freak. But sometimes he is a nerd. He’s got hobbies. Mad hobbies. They keep him from familiarizing himself with the female sex. He’s probably a professional Halo 3 player, a collector of ‘miniatures,’ comic books, DVDs. He likes to gather stuff and store it in a sterilized container.

Mostly, when you’re around, he either stares at you, the floor, or occupies himself with something else. He might be really quiet, soft spoken, or maybe just a man of few words. The truth is he’s got a lot of words in there but they probably involve orcs or batting averages or obscure Rhode Island based hip-hop artists.

He’s a little nervous about a girl breaking into ‘the club,’ and he’s not sure how to handle it. He and your boyfriend are mates because they like the same stuff. Same taste in music, video games, whatever, and he wants to do that stuff a lot.

He’s the most likely guy in the circle to really want to make a good impression, and such, because most of his interests are maybe a little off center, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to talk about. He doesn’t want you to think he’s a massive nerdface.

The thing to understand about Awkward Guy is that everyone has some type of ‘off center’ interest. Chances are you like one thing that he likes. So if you want to sorta connect (lets say he’s third wheelin’ a date) try to find that. You might go from ‘the girl’ to ‘man your girlfriend loves Wu-Tang and she told me to protect my neck and it was AWESOME.’

If there’s literally nothing, outing your nerd stuff (everyone has one, Broadway musicals, literature, whatever) might be good too.

Eventually he’ll realize you aren’t there to judge him and like a sun bear, the Awkward Guy will get used to you being around. He’ll open up and you can cradle him like adorable baby in swaddling.

One of the problematic after-effects of western maleness is a complete obsession with making sure everyone knows that we have no ‘feminine’ aspects. Whether it’s because we want everyone to know that we ‘totally aren’t a pansy‘ or because we watched G.I Joe too much (if that’s possible), aspects of our personality that might be construed as ‘female’ (of course, problematic since, as we all know, gender is performance) scare the crap out of us.

Guys eventually (usually) grow out of this, realize that everyone has their own stuff, and it doesn’t make you any less of a man to cry once and a while or to love something beyond ‘tail and cash!’ Maternal and Paternal instincts have many similarities, after all.

What totally sucks is this ‘phase’ strikes right around 18-24, and if you’re dating a college guy, there’s a decent chance he’s got a little bit of this in him. It doesn’t mean he’s a cretin in waiting, but it can make meeting his friends difficult at times because they are suffering from UBLS, or Unrequited Bro Love Syndrome (pronounced “Ubles“)

Basically, he and his circle of friends haven’t yet admitted that they love each other, unless maybe drunk, crying, and cradling each other on a dew soaked lawn (“We said we wouldn’t talk about it”) But they do. We guys love our friends, but this fear to admit it might cause some erratic behavior when you (as the girlfriend) are introduced to the group. This isn’t meant as a guide to ‘fit in with any guy’s group of friends‘ because honestly if everyone is a douche you should bounce and find someone with friends you get along with (if all your boyfriend’s friends are a**holes, chances are your girlfriends are right and you are in fact, dating an a**hole). This is just a series of profiles on some of the dudes you might encounter.

The Rude Dude

If He Were an Animal He’d Be A : Camel. Loves ciggarettes, spitting, making those riding him feel uncomfortable.

The rude dude, the Raphael to your boyfriend’s Leonardo (or Mikey if your boyfriend loves pizza). He’s ‘sardonic’ and ‘sarcastic’ but for some reason to you he just sounds ‘mean.’ He’s a big time UBLS sufferer. His lack of manners is him trying to protect your BF from you. His level of rudeness is related to how much he’s been burned by women in the past, which is usually a lot because, hey, he’s pretty f*cking rude.

The Rude Dude thinks ‘the pickup artist’ method is actually a genius way to break down the female psyche. Anyways, he’s a dick and is usually just being standoffish –

You : Hey I’m Lisa.

Him : Hey I’m really busy.

– Or straight argumentative. Everything you say is WRONG. Prepare to hear the word “ridiculous” a lot (“Your opinion is ridiculous”). You can match wits with him, if you’re feeling spunky, and depending on how funny you are, you might diffuse him. Or you can kill him with kindness. Getting into a direct fight with him is what he wants, because then he’s gonna play all innocent later and call you a B because you ‘totally flipped’ when ‘all he did was tell a holocaust joke.’

Ignoring him or laughing at him works as well. The good news is 1) if you don’t get baited into an idiotic argument with him, afterwards your BF is going to call him on it, and probably check him. He may also apologize to you about the rude guy. 2) everyone, including your BF, knows that the Rude Dude is being a prick and even though they told him specifically “Alex god dammit do NOT be mean to her because I like her”, they have a pretty good feeling that he’s gonna work it in somehow.

[Disclaimers : If the Rude Dude pushes too far and you have to unleash a little fury, and this somehow becomes “the time you blew up at my friends”, you might be dating an a**hole. Additionally, if you can’t find The Rude Dude, he may have grown up by now (he’s probably a super relaxed dude who regrets being mean in his youth) or you might be dating him. Be aware if his friends look at you with shock and awe. You’ve somehow made him be polite (because you’re f*cking awesome) or you don’t mind rudeness (because you’re rude yourself? Or something. Hey, whatever…to each their own).

…To be continued