Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’m almost 21 and have never had a boyfriend! I went to an all-girls high school and never socialized with guys. My circle of friends consisted of girls and this carried on as I entered university.

It’s not that I’ve never been approached before. I just think I have never met a guy I’ve genuinely been interested in. Of course there have been the occasional crushes, but those never went beyond physical appearances. I think I have high standards and easily pin point flaws in guys that immediately turn me off from the idea of being with them (eg: they lack manners or smoke), but it’s because I’m not interested in anything casual. If I am going to commit to a relationship, I have to be convinced we can make it last. Is it too much to ask for a guy who is kind and makes me laugh? (And who accepts me and my quirks?)

I don’t think I lack confidence and I don’t think I’m hideous looking. I think my problem is I don’t know how to act and talk to guys. I can be myself, but sometimes I can be blunt and lack empathy. My friends find my deadpan humor funny, but I think others don’t get it and it turns them away. To give you a better idea, I believe I may have Asperger’s Syndrome. I haven’t been diagnosed, but when I read about it, I can relate to, 95% of the signs and symptoms! I find whenever I talk to guys and people I don’t know very well, I have a difficult time holding my end of the conversation. I either don’t know how to engage the person or don’t know the appropriateness of the topics I can share.

I guess what I’m trying say in all of this is that I have issues with how to act like a normal and appealing young lady while still trying to be myself. I need some advice, pointers, and conversation topics that will get things rolling. Anything! Your opinion, stories you may have, etc.

Sorry for the long email. I’m sure I could have written this in five sentences, but I felt it was probably important to give you a sense of my history and personality to avoid the vague and typical answers.

Thanks,
Ass Burgers

Dear Ass Burgers,

Well, okay, first of all, let’s not diagnose you on an advice column.

[Lead image via CREATISTA/Shutterstock]

For those of you not in the know, Mayo Clinic sez: “Asperger’s Syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects a person’s ability to socialize and communicate effectively with others.” It’s sort of like really high functioning autism, in Aunt Tuffy’s understanding of it.

That being said, Aunt Tuffy ain’t Doctor Tuffy. And you ain’t Doctor Ass Burgers. Soooooo…

If you really think you have Asperger’s, get thee to a doctor, honey!! Said doc can help you understand your symptoms and give you various therapies to make life so much easier. In the meantime, while you’re still undiagnosed, let’s assume you’re just, like, a little socially awkward. With that being the case, there are so many ways you can help yourself.

Numero uno, of course, is developing those listening skills. This is a talent our society seems to shoop upon, but listening to other people–like, truly, actually LISTENING to other people–makes them *GASP* like you.

So when you meet guys, if you find yourself blabbering on, let them get in on the action. A conversation should generally be 50/50: you talk half the time, they talk half the time. Be engaged in what you’re saying AND in what the other person is saying.

And be more sensitive. If they tell you something that’s important to them, don’t make a joke about it. This, my dear, is just common decency. Yes??

As for your high standards–yes, of course you should have them!!! And, yes, absolutely, you deserve to be with someone who is kind and who makes you laugh–as long as YOU are kind to THEM and YOU make THEM laugh. You get what I’m saying here?! It’s give and take. 50/50.

And sometimes you don’t know if a guy is going to be good until you get to know him better. So a first date here and there is in order. I think your idea that you’re “not interested in anything casual” is just an excuse to opt out of dating. How the floop do you know what someone’s like before you’ve hung out with them?! Seriously. A dinner here and there is not a big deal. That is really not worth whining about how you don’t want to “commit.” You can’t “commit” to salad AND an entree?! Just have coffee, then. It’s really not so much to ask to give the guy a half hour. GEEZ.

Okay, and so, on to topics. Let’s get back to this 50/50 idea, right? Ask him questions about himself. That is 100% guaranteed to get the conversation going. Hopefully you’ll find out something you have in common. If not, hopefully he’ll have something interesting to say about stuff he likes. So, questions you can ask:
-What kind of music do you like?
-Have you seen any good movies?
-I just read about [topic]. Have you heard about that? / What do you think?

Or you can take the route of telling him something about yourself and seeing if there’s any common ground there. For instance:

-You know what I just got into? [thing you got into]
-I’ve been watching [thing] and I thought [stuff]…

And if you’re really brave or really bored:

-What do you think about the government / religion / gender roles?

Good luck, kiddo.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Qvestion?! Ansver: Ask Tuffy Luv by emailing us at TuffyLuvCC [at] gmail [dot] com.

Unfortunately though, it’s pretty hard to convince the masses otherwise. Upon meeting someone for the first time, I feel like I always have to defend myself as a “post-grad” because the bulk of people I’m meeting are either unemployed and unmotivated, still in college, or are at least ten years older than me – and they have no clue. You would think that having some kind of detailed plan such as the LSAT and freelance writing to fall back on would help, but no – it just leaves people scratching their heads.

If they’re not scratching their heads, I get a lot of “You must miss college.” Uh, duh. Of course I miss a lot of things about college (there’s a reason people refer to it as the best time of their lives), but considering I have only been a “graduate” for the past few months, it’s not something I’m sulking over too much. And in all reality, I miss a lot of things a lot more than college — you know, things like not having to pay back student loans!

The assumption (hello, LSAT question type) that gets me the most is that I have all the time in the world. Just because I’m a post-grad doesn’t mean I have an endless amount of free time. In fact, I think I had way more free time during college than I do now. Sorry BFFs, I don’t have four hours to talk to you on Facebook chat. No, sorry new girl, I’m not available twenty-four-seven to lunch, brunch, and shop-til-we drop. This new life is all about scheduling, planning, and working hard.

It’s not that I don’t want to veg out sometimes, but I don’t think that I want to get into the habit of doing so because, well … I don’t want to turn into that post-grad stereotype. Instead, I want to set my own post-grad norm – even if that means occasionally crying over my LSAT practice, sitting in traffic for two hours from one Hollywood event to another, or relaxing at the end of the day to an episode of Dawson’s Creek (confession – I love the adolescent drama!). It may be a bumpy, tiring, frustrating road, but I’m out there doing what I have to do — and I haven’t given up.

I know I’m not alone in the post-grad world. So, tell me – what post-grad stereotype are you setting for yourself?

Since my high school boyfriend and I broke up halfway through my senior year, my love life has taken a slide down the tubes. Freshman year of college, every guy I liked turned out to be gay. Sophomore year, they all had girlfriends – with whom I’d inevitably become friends. And junior year, well, I guess it can count as an improvement… if being led on with dining hall dates one semester and having my first (sort of) one night stand (followed by long-term drama) the next semester can be considered an improvement.

Over the past three years, I’ve simply gone from one disappointment to another – and it’s not for lack of trying. Thanks to my double major and my minor, jobs in three different departments, nine student activities, conferences, meetings, competitions, community service projects, and campus events, I’ve met more people than I can fully express. Not to mention going out dancing, the dorms, friends, and other random ways of meeting people. I’ve met undergrads from nearly every department and school on campus, grad students, medical students, MBAs, law students, students from neighboring schools, and people who are already out of school.

And yet, for all the things I do, for all the people I meet, all I have to show from the past three years is a string of stalkers and a guy who let his frat brother hit on me while we were on a date.

One of my friends speculated that the reason I haven’t found anyone yet is because I’m too involved, but I really don’t think that’s the case. I love being active and social, and I’d never change that about myself. Plus, I commit myself to everything I do, so when I’m working on one activity or class or job, that’s what I’m working on. But, even more to the point, I haven’t even met anyone that I really feel connected to either. I flirt, I develop attractions, sure, but no one has really made an impression. And, let’s face it, since I’m going into my senior year, there aren’t many new opportunities about to arise at this point.

For a single, outgoing twenty-one year old, I feel like I’m severely lacking in options.

I mean, I suppose I’m being overly dramatic. I have options, sort of. Like any of the creepy stalkers I’ve accumulated over the years. Or the one-night stand guy, who said he was interested in just having fun if I ever changed my mind about wanting a relationship. Or either of the two guys I spent the end of the past semester flirting with, if we ignore the fact that one also flirted with a good friend of mine just as much and the other just graduated and is going to med school in a state far from both where I live and where I go to school.

Sigh.

It just feels like it should be different than this. Despite the stress of this last semester, I’ve never felt better about myself; I’m more directed, more comfortable with myself, and I’ve even started to stop hating my body and appearance as much (thanks in large part to a bit of a weight loss since high school and some major toning and confidence-building from dance). I’m more confident about myself, and I’m more open in dealing with guys.

So why do I feel like nothing has really changed for me? Why am I still sitting alone, envious of my friends, getting closer and closer to an ill-advised random hook-up (ill-advised because I know I don’t want it and will hate myself for it later) or viewing my ex as my best option for anything?

And where can I look now? It’s not like joining six more clubs will make a difference, nor will taking classes in another department. It hasn’t worked for the past three years, it’s not going to work now. I’m just so fed up with being alone; I’ve spent most of my undergraduate experience that way, and I’m tired of feeling stuck in the same rut.

After three years, can’t SOMEONE come along?

Question for La Tuff?! Email her at TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com for answerindos.*

*Offer does not apply on already discounted answers.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Please help me. My name is Rob and I really wish I had a girlfriend. I try asking girls at parties and get turned down left and right.

I think I might just be incredibly ugly looking or something. The worst part is I have a lot of respect for girls and would never hurt a girl.

I don’t know what to do. I’m going to die alone. Please help.

Rob

Dear Rob,

Oh my God, Rob. Are you serious with this? Are you really going to make me get medieval on your shoop?  SIGHHHHH. Okayyyyy. But you asked for it.

Rob, you fool. You’re not going to die alone.

I don’t know if you’re ugly. You didn’t include a snapshot. And, anyway, Tuffy ain’t no Hot or Not biznatch. But, Rob, Robert, Robby. It’s this ugly lack of confidence that’s gotten you into this girlfriendless pickle.

You know, this is especially timely. Valentine’s Day just passed and a lot of Tuffy’s friends are in a funk. They say, “Tuffy, why didn’t I have a Valentine? Why didn’t anyone send me flowers? Why am I buying up sale candy like chocolate is going extinct?” I say, honeys, it’s because of this (Rob, listen up):

Nobody’s gonna love you if you are down on yourself. Maybe an abusive asshoop will pretend to love you or become obsessed with you so that he can manipulate and control you. But no one is going to love you.

But, Rob and honeys, that is not because no one is ever going to love you! Unless you are a total asshoop yourself, there will be someone (probably many someones) who will fall in love with you for the right reasons, because you are a sweetheart, or because you’re a great friend, or for any number of the reasons that make you you.

Got news, Rob et al: NO ONE CAN SEE YOUR GOOD TRAITS IF YOU’RE WHINING THAT NO ONE LOVES YOU.

So, my advice: Take a breather. Forget about looking for a girlfriend, Rob. Stop asking out every girl you see (because, boy, that ain’t flattering to no one). Don’t just out everything with a hooha–that is a sure way to constant rejection. Take part in activities you enjoy, and meet girls casually that way. Only ask them out AFTER you’ve gotten to know them. When you are genuinely interested in someone because you genuinely click, chances are they’ll be interested in you too.

Don’t get down on yourself, kid. Just stop whining and start listening.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

So, it’s been about a month into the semester and you’re suddenly feeling like there’s no light at the end of the social tunnel: no cute boys on your floor or in the apartment next door, no cool new chicks to chat with in your classes.

Now what? Will your whole year end up dull, boring, and steamy romance-free? It’s college lovey, such a thing cannot be!

Sure the guy next door spends more time on his Star Wars video games than he does on his personal hygiene, and yeah, maybe the girls down the hall blast Enrique during your Monday night Bachelor viewing (so not your scene) but that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a sucky semester.

There are plenty other places on campus to scope out the cute boys and the fun girls.

The Football Tailgate.

Only the most dedicated party people make it out on a Saturday morning to begin the boozy blur of “School Spirit Maaaaaan”. This is where you will find those looking to have a little (or a lot) of good ol’ F-U-N. Get out there (set your alarm if you have to) and get social. Soon enough you’ll be that hammered girl on the fence with her stomach painted. YES!

Intramural Sports.

Not only do you get to simultaneously battle the bulge that is the dreaded Frosh (or Soph, Junior, Senior) Fifteen but you’ll also get the opportunity to meet some incredible girls via teamwork. With time, practices and games will turn into nights out clubbing and Sunday morning recaps. Plus, you’ll get to watch cute sweaty boys run around pulling flags and making goals. Who doesn’t enjoy that?

There’s plenty of other places to find cool people: join clubs, (I know, cliche, but I swear it’s true), at the gym (yes, you’re allowed to go to pick up boys), an on-campus job (kill two birds with one stone making moola at the same time), or anywhere else that seems promising.

You can do it, don’t lose hope!

And then I started thinking about the college bar scene. At first, all I could focus on was how amazing it was – the cheep beers, the adorable boys, the cheep beers – but I quickly snapped out of it.

I just miss it so much!

Anyhoo, I began to think about the 6 types of people you meet in college bars. And here you have it:

1. The Popped Collar Boys: You will find these dudes by the bar, making unfunny jokes at very high levels, flirting with the bartenders, macking on cute girls nearby, and racking up an obscene tab on their dad’s credit cards.

They are the most generous guys in the bar, which they need to be to achieve their #1 goal of finding a hot lady to take home.

They sport expensive clothes, travel in packs and either gel their hair or wear their hats cocked 23 degrees up and to the left.

Likes: Pink shirts, girls with big boobs, money, Grey Goose

Dislikes: People who call them out on their douchey-ness, being ignored by the bartender

Upside: Free booze!

Downside: Running your hands through that brittle hair

2. The Really (Reaaaaaaaaaaaally) Drunk Girls: You know what these look like; mostly because you have been one at least once in your life. No matter what the reason, these girls decide to pre-party with long games of Quarters, Kings and “Let’s Take Shots of TEQUILA!” They stumble to the bar, scream when Madonna songs come on and attempt to dance by throwing their arms over their heads and shaking their asses.

Likes: Alcohol, late night pizza, someone to hold her hair back when she hurls

Dislikes: Any song that is not from 1989, water, falling on the sticky floor

Upside: Hello, easy sex!

Downside: Hello, puke in your bed!

3. The College T-Shirt Boys: These guys don’t care about anything but the game on the TV. In fact, they didn’t even realize it was $1 pitcher night and only came to this bar to watch the 51″ plasma tv.

Likes: Sports, beer

Dislikes: All the really (really) drunk girls blocking the T.V. while dancing to Madonna

Upside: You know what he is interested in right off the bat, low maintenance

Downside: A t-shirt? At the BAR?

4. The In-Town-To-Visit People People: These pieces of fresh prime meat are like Kobe steak in your ground beef world. Visiting friends are at the bar for a good time…for a short time. The visitees want to make sure the visitors fall in love with the school and realize just how awesome it is, so they do their best to get the visitors drunk and happy. Like finding them someone to make out with. Late in the night, you might even find said visitor in the corner singing your school’s fight song.

Likes: Everything. It is all so new and exciting. Oh, and talking about how great his or her school is.

Dislikes: Everyone saying how shitty his/her school is

Upside: Knows no one, leaving tomorrow

Downside: Can’t walk of shame it home in the morning cuz he/she doesn’t know their way

5. The Over-Protective Girls: Back off, asshole. These girls will not let their friend be alone in a corner with you, let alone head home in a cab. Especially if you are a numero uno (see above). Their friend is out with them, damnit. She will not ruin girls’ night to be with you! So back off. She came in a pack and she is leaving in a pack. And most likely, she is the cutest girl in the pack of overprotective girls who are being overprotective so no one goes home with a guy and makes the others feel ugly.

Likes: Food, cats, vibrators

Dislikes: Boys who like their cute friends more than them, cute friend

Upside: ??

Downside: So many. So so many.

6. The Celebrating the End of an Exam People: Definitely the most generous people in the room, end-of-exam people are out to get wasted and have a good time. Period. Oh, and they want everyone else to have fun too, so don’t be surprised if they start buying rounds for people in close proximity. You will hear them screaming answers to exam questions and telling their “asshole prof” to “f*ck off.” This group will show up to the bar in sweats – having just left the exam – and go from wary to wasted in 10 minutes flat.

Likes: Booze, not studying, partying all night

Dislikes: Their prof, the lines at the bar, the fact that they won’t know their score for weeks

Upside: Totally in the mood to party/have a good time

Downside: Pillow talk will consist of the exam, how hard it was, and hours of calculating their score