Men are always complaining about women and PMS and all that jazz. To which I respond by hitting them…and then eating a candy bar. They just don’t understand; it’s not our fault that our hormones go completely nuts every month and make us want to scream/laugh/cry/murder someone/eat a cake in the span of about 4 minutes.

But maybe now they do?

According to Jed Diamond, there is a new syndrome being seen in men with symptoms similar to those of a PMS-y woman: Irritable Man Syndrome. Diamond claims this disorder sets in at about the same age as women go through menopause (40-55), but I am convinced it is affecting our college boys too…and not just on those days when their favorite football team just lost a big game.

While you may be tempted to dump this dude’s ass for his strange (and pathetic) behavior, you should be patient: it’s clinical and he, like you, just can’t help it.

Below are 5 signs your man is in the throes of Irritable Man Syndrome.

1. You find him next to his mini fridge eating frosting out of the tub with a spoon. He may or may not be crying.

2. He weeps silently at Jiff commercials.

3. He snaps at you when you offer to help him with his Stats homework. “WHAT?! You think I can’t handle it on my own!?”

4. He’s never in the mood for sex anymore. Not even on the dryer. Not even when you are wearing that sexy low-cut top he used to love so much. Not even when you invite another girl into the mix.

5. He would rather watch The Notebook alone than go to a football game with you.

If you find your man in any or all of the above situations, just sit tight. It will all be over soon….at least for this month.

I told my mother the other day that I felt like I was getting old and she laughed at me. She said she didn’t want to hear sh*t about getting old until I went through menopause. Fair enough.

But that doesn’t detract from the fact that I feel thirty and all of its dastardly implications creeping up behind me, breathing warm and horrifying down my neck. Here are some signs that I’m getting old; my youth and lack of responsibility fading farther and farther into the distance. Keep in mind that there is a distinction between getting old and becoming more mature, as one can see in the way I respond to my family in #8.

10. I don’t listen to music on the radio anymore. I listen to NPR. All Day. Every single day of the week. And then when I get to work, I listen to it online. And in podcast form.

9. I have a thing for older men.

8. My family has moved on from asking when I’m going to get married to when I’m going to have a baby. To which my inner voice triumphantly screams, “NEVER, SUCKAS!”

7. I can’t get drunk anymore. And I don’t even feel like trying. Frightning, I know. When I do drink, I drink wine.

6. My main source of exercise is step aerobics.

5. I refuse to get a new car because I like my 97 Volvo just fine, thank you, and new cars are a horrible investment, what with the depreciation.

4. I don’t understand kids today.

3. My Christmas and birthday lists included not DVDs, books, CDs, MP3 players, etc as it had in previous years. Instead, I really wanted some new bakeware. And a nice new set of sheets. And, okay, a book about the Dust Bowl.

2. My facebook status currently says, no joke and totally unironically, “Yay! My Unsolved Mysteries DVDs are in!” And an episode totally made me cry today.

1. I wake up early every morning, at like 6:30. For. No. Reason. I don’t have to be at work until 10 or so. And I spend that extra time drinking coffee and reading a book. Sometimes, if I’m feeling extra frisky, I do my step aerobics.

Help?