This Week’s Article: How To Trick Your Girlfriend Into Marrying You on ehow.com.

This week’s article explains how men can trick their girlfriend into marrying them. I think we can all agree tricking someone into marrying you is not a good idea, and I’m not sure why some guy needs to rope some chick into being his wife, but I never claimed to understand the mind of a man. If I did, well, we wouldn’t be here, would we?

Let’s see what these “men” have to say.

EHow says: “When you learn how to trick your girlfriend into marrying you, then you don’t have to stress going after the women of your dreams. Now all you have to do is find her and play the game until your wedding day.”

I say: Well, that explains it. Men need to trick women into marrying them so they don’t have to deal with being rejected by people they actually like. Awesome. Way to go, guys. I think it’s safe to say than any sane woman should never, ever marry someone who is “playing the game,” but some guys just play it oh. so. well. Especially thanks to guides like these ones.

EHow says: “The first thing you need to do to begin tricking your girl is to allow her to see you cry. You need to be sensitive and express your darkest secrets and your fears to her.”

I say: I don’t think fake crying is enough to convince a girl to marry you. You should be able to share secrets and fears with your future wife, but they have to come naturally. Making up a fear of spiders or heights isn’t going to make you husband potential. In fact, it makes you a wimp.

EHow says: “Next you need to ask her about her dreams, and desires. Try to remember everything she says and make a mental note. If you have the means to help her accomplish her goals or desires, make it happen.”

I say: This is a sweet gesture, but men need to realize that a lot of women want to accomplish their goals on their own. Success doesn’t mean as much if someone hands it to you. But that whole listening thing? Yeah, that might be some good advice across the board, boys.

EHow says: “Stop hanging out with your friends and devote your time and your life to her.”

I say: Oh god, no. Please retain SOME life of your own. Imagine how fast you’ll get sick of each other if you spend every waking moment together! She won’t want to marry you, she’ll want to get away.

EHow says: “If you can do these things to trick her into marrying you, you can also do the same to trick her into staying with you forever.”

I say: Why are they assuming women need to be tricked into staying in a relationship? I mean, how awful are the guys reading this stuff that they have to resort to manipulation and tricks to keep a lady around? I think that most women in a happy, loving relationship will want to stay in it and will want to get married when the time is right. If some chick doesn’t want to marry a guy, stupid tricks aren’t going to help things.

EHow also offers a lot of articles on how to ask your girlfriend to marry you, which offer much better advice. You know, because there is no lying or conniving. Hopefully men reading the site will be able to find those as well, but I worry about the ones who don’t get to them.

Have you ever tricked someone into commitment? Have you been tricked?

This week’s article lists a number of reasons why women are (supposedly) attracted to taken men. Let’s see what they have to say…

AskMen says: “In the Garden of Eden, Eve sinks her teeth into the one piece of fruit that God instructed her to avoid — so began a long line of women who wanted, oh so badly, what they could not have.”

I Say: Actually, I’m pretty sure Eve convinced Adam to eat the forbidden fruit instead of biting into it herself. Nevertheless, I don’t really find bible references to be the most accurate explanations of human behavior.

AskMen Says: “Significant others are a reflection of the people they date. That’s why it’s in a girl’s best interest to act like her boyfriend’s PR rep: to mention whenever possible that he studied at Harvard — oh, and he plays in a band. When she boasts, her listeners see him through the rose-colored glasses that she wears.”

I Say: Of coarse, the only way women can make themselves seem like decent human beings to to boast to others about the great things their boyfriend does.

AskMen Says: “Girls want what other girls have. To women, the simple fact that a guy is someone’s favorite flavor makes him worth a try.”

I Say: For some girls, sure. But it’s definitely not a majority of women who feel this way. Most of us abide by the same code men do: hands off your friend’s man!

AskMen says: “Consider this: If a man risks his entire relationship — commitment be damned — for one exceptionally steamy night with another woman, that other woman will go home feeling like she has one-upped Helen of Troy. That’s bragging rights to the max.”

I Say: I would never, ever brag about sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend.

AskMen Says:”In short, women believe that men who are single are single for a reason. Backward as it may sound, the ones who aren’t available are the ones worth going for.”

I Say: Single women who know that not having a boyfriend doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong with them. We are smart enough to know  that a man not being in a relationship doesn’t mean he is defective.

AskMen says: “Women want to screw over other women… Women size up their competition and somehow rationalize that her boyfriend is begging to be with a real woman — no offense to the tramp he’s with.”

I Say: Women are terrible, horrifying creatures responsible for all the evil in the word. Right, askmen?

AskMen says: “The man exuding confidence like perspiration in a sweat lodge has his arm blissfully around his bombshell of a girlfriend — and in case you didn’t notice, she’s all about him. What better proof exists that he is successful, intelligent and endlessly charming? Men who enjoy this luxury are infinitely more natural, comfortable and cool. They worry little, stress out even less. This all adds up to a man with incredible romantic gravity who pulls women into his orbit.”

I Say: Seeing a girl who loves her man does not make every woman immediately want that man. However “successful, intelligent and endlessly charming.” Most women will turn off their advances the moment they see he is taken.

All in all, askmen offers another pigheaded view of how women work.

Have you ever gone after someone else’s boyfriend? Why?

This article is nothing but a load of misogynistic crap about women being submissive to men. It open’s with: “Women like to be controlled and dominated. Don’t fool yourself into believing that they don’t. They do… Secretly all women desire to submit to the will of their man.”

Of course, he is sure to include a disclaimer: “First off, I’m not promoting any man to beat any woman. You can dominate her without putting the “smack down” on her.” That’s right boys, stick to verbally abusing your women, please.

And it only gets worse – much, much worse – from there.

How should a man respond when a women is nagging him? Because that’s all we ever do, right?
Miller suggests saying the following:  “WOMAN! Last time I checked I was the one with the penis in this house. You better go in that kitchen and get my dinner on the table!” Miller goes on to explain that if she tries to talk back and argue, “just shake your head no and point to the kitchen. She’ll get the message. By doing this you will subconsciously reinforce the fact that you are the dominant one in the household. You’re the man and your word is the only one that counts in the end.”
I say: Is this guy for real? Does he honestly think any self-respecting woman is going to just scurry off to the kitchen because the man with the penis said so?

And what about when you’re out shopping and she wants a new dress?
Miller suggests: “Look, you ain’t getting no new dress. Matter of fact, you be lucky if I took you to the thrift store and bought you a dress for fifty cent.”
I say: Apparently it is impossible to dominate a woman without also abusing the English language.

As if dominating women in the kitchen and at the store isn’t enough, Steve also thinks it’s important to dominate us in the bedroom.
Miller suggests: “Make sure you have her perform oral sex on you. She’s your wife and she should be willing to do that. It’s part of her being submissive. You must wear her out. You should wear her out.”
I say: I agree that a good partner should want to please you in the bedroom, but I don’t agree with raping your wife’s throat. And I most definitely don’t agree with not returning the favor.

Miller goes on: Even more important than getting a blow job, though, is making sure she makes you a sandwich afterward. Why? “The reason why you do this is prove that she has been thoroughly dominated and she will express this by submissively getting ‘her man a sandwich.’ Matter a fact, she should be telling her girlfriends ‘My husband, did it so good to me, he had me up making sandwiches and kool-aide after we got done. And I could barely even walk, girl.’”
I say: I feel sick…

Have you girls had any experience with men like this? Do you think there is ANY truth to the idea that women want to be dominated?

While searching for bad advice articles for this week’s column, I came (teehee) across one article that I loved so much I had to share it with all of you. The article is about female orgasm and it packages some of the best sex advice men can get into a relatively short and easy-to-read article. While this article gives me hope that guys might be learning something out there in the big world of men’s mags, it also worries me that those same guys will internalize everything they catch on these sites.

But, what can I do about it? If dudes are learning how to please a lady, who am I to argue?
Ladies, read this article with your partner!!

This Week’s Article: 10 Lessons About The Female Orgasm by Men’s Health.

Some highlights:

Men’s Health Says:“Just as you’re concerned about lasting longer, many women are so self-conscious about taking too long that they end up faking orgasm or deciding to go without.”
I Say: YES! This is one of my biggest insecurities during sex, but I didn’t realize it was so common!

Men’s Health Says: “Talent—more than rugged good looks or a chiseled midsection—is a powerful aphrodisiac, according to research by my colleagues at The Kinsey Institute.”
I Say: This is so true. A passionate, talented man is SO much more attractive to me than a blonde model-boy.

Men’s Health Says: “During foreplay, gently brush the tops, bottoms, and sides of her breasts; these areas are actually more sensitive than an unaroused areola and nipple.“
I Say: I HATE when boys go straight to the nipples and start pinching and twisting. I’m not a radio that needs tuning! Please, focus on the entire boob. Both of them!

Men’s Health Says: “Lie next to her, lightly bracing the heel of one hand just above her clitoris. Now run your ring and middle fingers along the length of her outer lips. Graze the skin at first, adding pressure as the tension builds. Cup the area around her clitoris with your palm to add indirect stimulation—most women are too sensitive to receive direct contact early on…”
I Say: Yes, yes, and yes…

Men’s Health Says: “We love it when you try new things, and it’s important to vary your technique, but once you’ve found a winner, stick with it until she crosses the finish line.”
I Say: There is nothing more frustrating then being RIGHT THERE and having you change the rhythm or angle and losing it completely. Of course guys only have the best intentions, but if the lady is enjoying herself it’s always good to stick with what works until we initiate a change.

Men’s Health Says: “A woman’s orgasm threshold drops after her first one, so it’s often easier to bring her to climax through penetration after she’s already had one. How does that sound for an encore?”
I Say: I didn’t know this but I’m glad I do now. Bring on the multiples!

There are even more great tips in the article, so get your ass over to Men’s Health and read it!

Do you ladies have any more suggestions for pleasing a woman in bed?

This Week’s Article: Crazy Things Women do on Facebook by askmen.com

Facebook and other social networking sites have revolutionized the way humans interact with each other. Facebook allows new opportunities to make new friends, stay in touch with old friends, network with professionals in your career field, find neighbors with common interests, and, oh yeah, stalk and manipulate people.

Obvi.

While I’m sure we all know someone that has used Facebook for shady purposes, askmen.com would have their readers believe that ALL women use Facebook to control and manipulate them. And that if it’s not Facebook, we’ll find some other way to take control. They say “Women are trained in the art of creating, maintaining and controlling relationships, and Facebook is just one more resource they can use to keep tabs on and influence people.”

So what are the crazy things we actually do on there?

Women set up fake profiles to follow exes on Facebook
I don’t know of anyone who has ever done this or even considered it…

Women manipulate through Facebook photos
“Another crazy thing women do on Facebook is to put up embarrassing or compromising photos of people that have gotten on her bad side. When a guy breaks up with a girl and the next day photos of him in one of her dresses hit her profile, it’s not only vindictive, but also pretty immature.”

Okay first of all, I’m pretty sure if a guy is wearing his girlfriend’s dresses he deserves to be exposed. And not in a vindictive way; in a funny way. Anyways, I’m sure there may be some (few) people who do this, but I am even more sure of the fact that it’s not just women.  And most people realize immaturity like that won’t get them anywhere, so they would never waste their time.

Askmen.com also says women tend to appear sexier and more adventurous in their Facebook pictures than they actually are in real life. You know, to come off as a better version than themselves online. Um, duh? Who doesn’t present the best version of themselves whenever they can? That’s not being “manipulative,” that’s being normal.

Women post passive-aggressive Facebook status updates
“Whether it’s because she hates confrontation or she just wants the world to know what a jerk her boyfriend is, some women use their status updates to air complaints about their relationship instead of sitting down and talking it out directly.”

Ok, I have FB friends (male and female!) who do this and it drives me CRAZY! I think it’s safe to say that if I, a women, am so annoyed by whiney, passive-aggressive Facebook statuses, there are many other women who feel the same way. Do some women do this? Yes, but it is most definitely not the norm.

Women post ambiguous relationship photos
“It’s not uncommon to see pictures of women with their arms around their friends, kissing them on the cheek, whether their friends are men or women.”

So women are “crazy” just because we expression affection for our friends?

Posting a fake relationship status
“Some single women even arrange with one of their close girlfriends to be each other’s “in a relationship with” person to avoid this kind of condescending sympathy. They’d rather raise questions about their sexual orientation than leave the space blank.”

I’m pretty sure being “in a relationship with” one of your friends is usually done as a joke, or an expression of your friendship, and not some measly attempt to escape the pity of being single. Contrary to what dudes think (or dream about), we don’t all switch teams in an effort to have someone.

What do you guys think? Have you done any of these things? What motivated you?

This week’s article:

This week’s piece of craptastic man advice is different than most as it is written from the perspective of a woman detailing exactly what goes through her mind at important relationship moments. An extremely simpleminded, calorie-obsessed, insecure woman, that is.

This article makes all women seem like completely superficial idiots. The introduction to the article – “Every woman reacts differently, but my account here will scare the bejeezus out of you by coming pretty damn close to what your wife or girlfriend was thinking at various points in the arc of your relationship. Psychologists are standing by to help you understand—and deal with—us women” – gives me some hope that it was written as a joke, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be taken seriously by the men who read it.

Relationship Milestone #1: The Night You Met

What we’re supposedly thinking: “Are you actually hot, or have I just made that up so I won’t get bored and eat all this bread, which is awesome?”
Are You Kidding? OMG! I ALWAYS pretend men are hot to keep from consuming extra carbs!! And there is nothing that makes me crave a basket of bread more than an ugly guy.

What we’re supposedly thinking: “You looked away. I didn’t like you anyway. I’m bored. I want more bread.”
Are You Kidding? Again with the bread. Couldn’t the author at least pick something more interesting, like cheese dip or spinach puffs or mini pigs-in-a-blankets? I mean, when I’m upset or rejected, bread isn’t the first thing I turn to…

What we’re supposedly thinking: “I wonder if your friend’s girlfriend is going to be, like, a pain if I don’t ask her to be in our wedding?”
Are You Kidding? Of course, we women folk start planning the wedding the second we meet any potential mate, including but not limited to: the guy in line at the coffee shop, the guy behind the counter at the coffee shop, our boss, his teenage son, and that friendly lesbian from the gym.

Relationship Milestone #2: The First Time You Picked Her Up

What we’re supposedly thinking: “You’re 5 minutes late. I look like a total slut. Where are you? You’re 10 minutes late. I’m totally going to be a single mom.”
Are You Kidding? Because it is impossible for a women to look sexy without being a slut, and because, of coarse, our primary goal in life is to have babies and we absolutely can not do it alone.

What we’re supposedly thinking: “When I disappear briefly to get my jacket, I think I’ll take off my underwear so I don’t have panty lines. But I’d better put them in my bag in case you take me to a place that sells wings or jalapeño poppers. I’m classier than that, can’t you tell? I’m already mad at you, imagining you taking me to a place like that.”
Are You Kidding? Everyone knows what completely irrational creatures women are, so of course we would be made at you for something we imagined you might possibly do.

Relationship Milestone #3: On Your First Date

What we’re supposedly thinking: “Wait a minute: You like the hostess! It was dark when we met. Did you remember me as younger, or blonder, or thinner? Like the hostess? I was lying when I thought I didn’t want you to look at my breasts. Stop reviewing the wine list and look at them! I don’t like you anyway.” Are You Kidding? Because women can never be young enough, blonde enough, or thin enough. And whenever I feel insecure, I’m screaming inside, “LOOK AT MY BREASTS TO VALIDATE ME, DAMMIT!”

What we’re supposedly thinking: “We’re such a good couple. It’s totally cool if your friend’s dumb girlfriend wants to be in the wedding. But she can’t be a bridesmaid. She can do the guestbook or something.”
You Kidding? First dates are prime time to hammer out the little details of the wedding.

Relationship Milestone #4: The First Time You Kissed

What We’re Supposedly Thinking: “Maybe you just don’t even like me. I am making this really easy, dude. My toes are now touching your leg. Did you watch me walk to the kitchen and decide my ass is too fat and now you’re trying to think of an excuse to leave?”
You Kidding? Boys never, ever kiss girls with fat asses. Especially asses that grow magically on a walk to the kitchen.

Relationship Milestone #5: Your First Time In Bed

What We’re Supposedly Thinking: “I am so glad I didn’t eat any carbs or sugar for 3 days. My stomach is so flat! I like looking down at it while you’re on top of me. It’s so weird that I’m always thinking about getting married.”
You Kidding? I can’t even joke about this, it is so stereotypical and disgusting.

And there you have it, ladies; apparently every single thought we have in relationships revolves around feeling fat, not wanting to be a single mother, and jewelry. Who cares about common interests, similar goals, compatible lifestyles and beliefs? If he can distract you from that uber-yummy bread, he’s a keeper.

Do you guys know of any bad advice articles that you want to see critiqued by College Candy? Let us know in the comments!