I could write a saga longer than the Twilight series about what sex means to a woman and why they have it.  Women will have sex to strike an extra intense emotional connection with someone else, boost their appeal in popularity, fulfill a fantasy, become physically and mentally closer to the one they love, gain revenge, because Cosmo say’s it is an easy way to beat off calories, or because a night out with their single lady friends made them feel like they needed to have more fun.

To make a long story long, sex to a woman means a plethora of complex things.  Sex is a loaded gun containing bullets of feelings, emotions, and meaning (even I’m getting a little poetic talking about it).

Sex for the dudes on the other hand?

It’s really just a three letter word.

According to a recent Men’s Health article, researchers revealed more than 200 reasons women do the nasty.  (e.g. the opportunity presented itself, the other person had a nice face, out of control hormones were in tact).  Hmm, seems pretty like obvious enough reasons to me.  But 200 reasons to get frisky? I doubt that’s the case for men. In fact, when it comes to dudes, I’m certain there are only 3.

1. They’re Guys

I’m a man-psychic. We all are. Because I’m willing to bet you could predict what current thought is churning any man’s mind: sex. As mentioned before, sex means so many things for woman. For men? Doggie style is as natural as breathing.  I’m not trying to put a derogatory light over men and their intentions, but I have strong beliefs that thoughts of sexual activity are multiplying in their mind like bunny rabbits. 24/7.

You’re right, that is a lot of thinking.

2. They Want to Tell Their Friends

I knew a group of guys in college who actually added up points each weekend after heavily drinking. Their point system went like this: they gave a certain amount of tallies to a roommate who scored a make-out sesh and even more tallies to anyone who romped it up in bed.  It’s true. I saw the whiteboard.  As much as our male-counterpart is not going to get into details about how “soft her skin felt and how sweet her lips tasted…” like all the fluffy girls do, a little notch in his belt (and a great story to go with it) is the ultimate trophy in his circle of bros.

3. They’re Horndogs

While girls keep their toy dog in their purse, men keep their toy dog in their pants (if you catch my drift here) and they’ll follow that little puppy anywhere. It’s that simple.

While searching for bad advice articles for this week’s column, I came (teehee) across one article that I loved so much I had to share it with all of you. The article is about female orgasm and it packages some of the best sex advice men can get into a relatively short and easy-to-read article. While this article gives me hope that guys might be learning something out there in the big world of men’s mags, it also worries me that those same guys will internalize everything they catch on these sites.

But, what can I do about it? If dudes are learning how to please a lady, who am I to argue?
Ladies, read this article with your partner!!

This Week’s Article: 10 Lessons About The Female Orgasm by Men’s Health.

Some highlights:

Men’s Health Says:“Just as you’re concerned about lasting longer, many women are so self-conscious about taking too long that they end up faking orgasm or deciding to go without.”
I Say: YES! This is one of my biggest insecurities during sex, but I didn’t realize it was so common!

Men’s Health Says: “Talent—more than rugged good looks or a chiseled midsection—is a powerful aphrodisiac, according to research by my colleagues at The Kinsey Institute.”
I Say: This is so true. A passionate, talented man is SO much more attractive to me than a blonde model-boy.

Men’s Health Says: “During foreplay, gently brush the tops, bottoms, and sides of her breasts; these areas are actually more sensitive than an unaroused areola and nipple.“
I Say: I HATE when boys go straight to the nipples and start pinching and twisting. I’m not a radio that needs tuning! Please, focus on the entire boob. Both of them!

Men’s Health Says: “Lie next to her, lightly bracing the heel of one hand just above her clitoris. Now run your ring and middle fingers along the length of her outer lips. Graze the skin at first, adding pressure as the tension builds. Cup the area around her clitoris with your palm to add indirect stimulation—most women are too sensitive to receive direct contact early on…”
I Say: Yes, yes, and yes…

Men’s Health Says: “We love it when you try new things, and it’s important to vary your technique, but once you’ve found a winner, stick with it until she crosses the finish line.”
I Say: There is nothing more frustrating then being RIGHT THERE and having you change the rhythm or angle and losing it completely. Of course guys only have the best intentions, but if the lady is enjoying herself it’s always good to stick with what works until we initiate a change.

Men’s Health Says: “A woman’s orgasm threshold drops after her first one, so it’s often easier to bring her to climax through penetration after she’s already had one. How does that sound for an encore?”
I Say: I didn’t know this but I’m glad I do now. Bring on the multiples!

There are even more great tips in the article, so get your ass over to Men’s Health and read it!

Do you ladies have any more suggestions for pleasing a woman in bed?

For all the women out there who hate the gym but love the bed (did you know that having sex for an hour burns 250 calories?!), now you can get the best of both worlds.Introducing… The Coregasm.

Yeah, you heard right. You can have a screeching, pleasure-filled orgasm right there in the gym!

What exactly is it? Basically, when you do certain exercises that tap into the deep core/quads and inner thighs, you end up almost automatically squeezing pelvic muscles too. This tightening of the core and leg muscles triggers the nerve impulses in the pelvic area and your lower abdominal muscles (AKA your orgasm-getters), and causes you to be… happy. Verrry happy.

When Men’s Health features editor Adam Campbell mentioned it in his blog, The Fitness Insider, there was a huge response by women who have experienced the phenomenon firsthand. “Seems on my third set of 15 reps, if I crank out a few more reps and go to 20, well, yeah, I can have an orgasm!” one wrote. “And no one notices, trust me.”

I know I have never felt the workout orgasm before, but maybe I’m just not working hard enough? Maybe if I push myself just a little bit harder and hold that plank just a little bit longer, I will not only get those killer abs, but a more, er, immediate reward, as well!

I’ve never been more motivated to hit the gym.

Men here, as a collective. We thought we’d get together and write you guys some letters about a few things that we’ve been thinking about. Today’s letter is about us men being confused! Yes, smirk, and press your tongue against your canine (its hot).

We’re confused about what you lovely ladies are wearing in the gym. More specifically, why you’re looking so damn hot in up in that! To us, the gym is about a few things. It’s about working out, making loud grunting noises (FYI, makes you stronger), and sleeveless narcissism.

Or at least, that’s what we go there for. We aren’t specifically there to look at, or pick up, women. There’s an assumption that most of us aren’t going to look our best in there anyways, so we aren’t super concerned with finding ladies to woo. But hey, thats us, we’re dudes and we think a certain way. Beyond ‘the gym isn’t for dating’ we also have a few collective rules that we feel like you may or may not have given us.

1. Gawking is creepy
2. Sweaty dudes are creepy
3. Gawking, sweaty dudes are super-duper creepy.

So you could see our confusion when you ladies show up to do some leg lifts or swiss ball crunches in what basically adds up to a bikini with more support. We want to be clear, we like you in bikinis. Hell, we love you in those things. But when you wear those in the gym, and you’re being all active, you’re really creating a dangerous situation for us. Again, we’ve got focused, mostly one-track minds. Here’s a short list of things we cannot do at the same time.

1. Will ourselves to not get…turned on, which, by the way, is extremely visible in our red, elastic sweatpants.
2. Will ourselves to not look at you.
3. Lift heavy things, not to mention cardio. (Have you ever had an erection on an exer-bike? No? Ok, well, good because that’d be weird, but also, you’ve gotta know that makes it downright impossible to attack those hills)

Mixing any of these things together is a recipe for disaster. All types of opportunity for something to get pulled or pinched or clipped.

We feel like maybe you want us to look? We aren’t sure, and even saying that made us wince, because we’ve gotten dirty looks from you on the train one too many times to assume that. We don’t want you to wear a rain-slicker or something (makes ruffling noise when doing lunges), but we just want you to know that we’re impressed that you’re down there working out. That’s sexy!

Workout clothing that accentuates your body, makes your boobs look huge, exposes your mid-drift – or booty shorts that let us see that you are in fact not wearing underwear – are great. Really great. But, honestly, we’d much rather just work out and meet you later for a drink than try to run game while clearly using incorrect form to do a squat or embarrassingly dropping the 25lb dumbbells while a single emotionless tear runs down our cheek.

“But guys, I like to look cute! I want to look hot!” Yep, we know. We know this, and we ALSO want you to look hot. But you’ve got to understand, there’s being cute (which is fine for the gym), and then there’s dangerously hot. Here’s a diagram.

Signed,

Most Dudes (not including douchebags; we have no idea where those guys are but you can bet they are wearing a hilarious belt buckle).

Did you shudder? It seems like every time a guy utters that sentence, girls everywhere tremble a little inside.

It’s one of our biggest fears in a relationship. Are we hanging on too tightly? Are we calling too much? Should we pull back?

I could ask a thousand of those questions, but I won’t, because you’ve probably already heard them echoing in your head. Let’s just say clinginess tends to be a girl hang-up.

Knowing this and wanting to help (or just wanting to pretend he’s an expert on something) David Zinczenko, the editor in chief of Men’s Heath, recently wrote an article all about this relationship snafu, and how women can avoid it. While some people might think he’s finally cracked the code on relating, it seems to me that he’s just dolling out common sense.

The first thing Zinczenko urges women to do is not call their guy more than twice a day.

“You make more calls than that? The unspoken message is that maybe you don’t trust him, or don’t have enough to do yourself, or are relying too much on him for everyday satisfaction”.

Unfortunately, he has no advice for a situation I was recently in: a guy text messaging 7 times in one night.

The second thing us females should avoid? Joint email accounts. Um. Of course. Who in their right mind would force their significant other to share an email? Unless you’ve been married for ten years, this is the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. Email is free, people. No need to be frugal.

Thirdly, Zinczenko advises us to lay off the celebrity gossip. And I say, if there’s any girl out there who actually thinks a straight guy enjoys hearing all about Britney’s custody battle, she deserves to live alone forever. Sure, everyone likes to see the latest nipple slip, but the only guy who likes talking for hours about it is your gay life partner.

The fourth and last tip Zinczenko has for girls everywhere is to “do your own thing”. Guys want to be left alone sometimes, he says, so make sure you make plans that don’t include him. Plans like visiting your friendly neighborhood Chippendales.

Not that I don’t appreciate Zinczenko’s hard work and mountains of detailed research, but unless you’re an idiot, I’m not sure his editorial is going to help. It seems to me the “clingy” issue is much more nuanced than blasting a boyfriend with telephone calls. Men and women view “coupledom” differently, and finding a balance between togetherness and individuality is difficult.

I mean, is it a bad idea to stalk your dude when he goes out to hang with his friends? Sure. But it’s the feelings that drive those stalker tendencies that need to be addressed, not just the action itself.

Unless, of course, you stalk him with a baseball bat and mace. That sort of thing should really be checked out.

Picture this – you’re sitting in class, the hot guy (with whom you are mildly obsessed with) sits down next to you and you finally have your chance to actually speak to this hot creature…what could go wrong, right? Well this is usually about the time my arch nemesis would come along – BAD BREATH.

Fear not, I’ve found a few revolutionary products that will help any college girl out in this type of jam with three simple steps to achieve breath that’s perfection.

1- ) Let’s start with your teeth and mouth. Supersmile Quikee ($16.) – This no rinse, on-the-go oral care was developed to be used whenever it simply isn’t convenient to brush or rinse (like in the middle of Italian Lit. 132). It’s clinically proven to both remove surface stains on teeth and to leave teeth at least one shade whiter after the initial use.

In addition to being travel friendly and perfect for any school bag, just a drop of Supersmile Quikee, smoothed over your teeth and around your mouth with the tip of your tongue, provides the perfect tooth whitening, breath freshening experience.

2- ) Now on to your lips. C.O. Bigelow is the gold standard for lip moisturization while freshening breath. I’m a HUGE fan of Mentha Lip Tint ($7.50). This mint-infused lip gloss imparts a sheer hint of pale pink color and glossy high shine with a refreshing, cooling sensation.

Your lips will stay moist and protected while the peppermint oil gives breath long-lasting freshness. Also, if you’re not a lip gloss/color kinda girl, C.O. Bigelow also has a Mentha Lip Balm Stick ($7.50, bathandbodyworks.com).

This emollient shea butter stick lip balm is infused with a cool blast of peppermint oil, ideal for multi-taskers who want to freshen breath while keeping lips moisturized – perfect for both you and your boy, who obviously wants the cool, fresh breath without the lip glossy shine.

3- ) While not so revolutionary, people tend to forget that bad breath is often caused by dehydration. Drink lots of water and you’ll find that your breath will stay fresh longer. FIJI water is an excellent choice for your hydration needs with its composition consisting of a high concentration of silica, an essential mineral that can help strengthen hair, skin, nails and bones.

Now, I take Cosmopolitan with a grain of salt, mainly because I’m convinced they print the exact same things every single month only with different pictures. I mean, there can’t be unlimited number of things “guys crave in bed”….unless it starts becoming appropriate to discuss the realm of the extreme kink in a magazine that doesn’t have a plastic casing. The day I see an expose on anal sex or something, is the day I’m canceling my subscription and moving to Singapore. Forget this.

But back to the whole perfect girlfriend thing. According to the Editors of Men’s Health, 97% of Men’s Health readers want a women who’s willing to show her love in public. “Men want a woman who’s confident enough in her sexuality to make a move, no matter the circumstances,” says the author of VoiceMale.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never thought PDA was especially kosher. I mean, holding hands is one thing but haven’t we all felt a little queasy watching some couple grope one another on a subway- especially if this little spectacle is on the way to school, pre-coffee. It’s torture. I’m sure it’s great for them, but for the hung-over girl across the way, it’s like watching somebody kick kittens or something.

It’s hard to say what the appropriate line is when it comes to this public intimacy stuff. I would personally shy away from anything other than a cheek kiss, but I am from Alaska…which might mean that I’m a frosty bitch.

Or maybe it’s just memories from the last time I was single on some big lovefest of a holiday, watching all the happy people skipping around while I crunched on a bar of Godiva with a scowl. I almost feel like taking advantage of the affection of my new guy in public is sort of hypocritical, plus I’m upsetting the girls who are currently scowling and eating their bars of Godiva. I couldn’t do that to them. Or could I? I’ve been tempted, let me tell you.

What are your thoughts?

Men’s Fitness magazine featured an article entitled, “Jump rope like a girl—and melt fat like a mother: skipping rope is the cheapest fat-burning workout around—and the best”. Let’s ignore this sexist viewpoint. The excercise applies to both guys and girls, and as we all know, females are sooo much more coordinated than males. Shouldn’t that make Justin Timberlake a girl, then? That boy has got the MOVES!

Anyway, there are tons of reasons to jump to it: it’s cheap, it’s fun, it works your calves, abs, and basically every other muscle, helps with your posture, and burns calories like none other. The only thing that can be frustrating, is missing the rope and tripping over your feet, which therefore messes up your concentration and the flow of your workout. Plus, most college dormrooms and apartments are so tiny, so crammed with crap and scattered with half-empty beer cups, that potential catastrophies are everywhere.

That’s where the new JumpSnap comes in. No, it’s not some crazy sex toy, although it definitely looks like one. This $60 mechinism attacks the fat, as two balls at the end of two seperate handles replace the actual rope itself. Haha…I said balls. Essentially, you jump as if you’ve got an actual jump rope in your hands, but you won’t trip or knock into anything around you! A chip inside counts how many calories you burn, based on your entered height and weight. It keeps track of your hops, and you can even program it to make that cool “swoosh” sound when your feet land on the floor.

The JumpSnap is a good idea, if you need a fresh, new workout routine that won’t empty your pockets. The JumpSnap is also a good idea if you want to avoid going public at the gym and would rather excercise in the comfort of your own home in your pajama pants and Rod Stewart “Body Wishes Tour” t-shirt. Not that I ever do that….