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Our friends over at TMZ got ahold of the Lohan family Christmas card (see it here) and despite LiLo’s unnaturally blonde hair, everything looks pretty normal. Too normal, in fact. Where is the drama? The framed restraining orders? The sleeveless mesh shirt?

Where is Michael Lohan?

Turns out he couldn’t make it to the family photo shoot because he was busy attending his court-ordered vacation at a rehab center in Florida. While I’d love to say that he’s a calm and rational man, capable of understanding why he was left out of the family card, I can’t.

So here are a few predictions on how I think he’ll react:

initiating the gallery...

• Someone had sex with Piers Morgan. 9 months ago…judging by the fact he has a baby now.

•  A LOT of college freshmen dumped their high school sweethearts. #notshocking

• According to the Huffington Post, J.Lo celebrated Thanksgiving with Casper…Smart, Casper Smart. I know I wished it was the ghost too.

• Michael Lohan went to the hospital. Our prayers are with the doctors and anyone else who’s holiday was ruined by Michael Lohan.

• Wal-Mart shoppers rioted over a $2 waffle maker. Reporters are ecstatic over the news. I mean, they knew there would be stampedes, but nothing quite this exciting!

• The new Twilight movie is causing seizures. It’s also causing grown women to act like horny prepubescent girls. But no one is reporting that news today.

• Kirsten Dunst went make-up free at the airport. How very brave of her!!!

• There was some kind of balloon parade in NYC yesterday. I think it might have been a one-time thing. So you should look at photos now, because this parade might not happen ever again.

•Lady Gaga says she posed nude. We say that’s her most boring outfit yet!

• The crazy “inject-anything-into-my-butt-to-make-it-bigger” story keeps getting more ridiculous.

• A deleted scene from Harry Potter was released. Harry4eva!

• Aziz Ansari wants you to spit. It’s for a good cause, so just watch the video. For realsies.

So our favorite drug-totin’ galpal LiLo is taking a quick vacay from rehab tomorrow to chat with the judge about her jail time.  Rumor has it that Lilo’s team is going to argue that she needs to stay in rehab because she’s making like so much progress. And here at CC headquarters, we’re totally on Team Rehab. (Not that we need it….) The fact that she’s related to Dina AND Michael Lohan is enough of a reason to put her in 24/7 therapy for the rest of her life, let alone the whole lil drug issue.

In fact, we don’t think she should ever step foot in jail even after she’s good and clean. It’s a total waste of time for everyone involved. (Well except TMZ. But we can’t always be looking out for them, you know?) We have a few other productive alternatives to Linds serving jail time –  things that will really teach her a hard lesson while also paying back her debt to society.

1. Make a Parent Trap Sequel – Not only was this the most action-filled, heartwrenching, laugh-till-it-hurts movie ever made, but it truly showcased just how talented Lindsay is when it comes to acting. She played two parts and totally had me believing that Annie and Hallie were two different people. Since Hollywood is updating every other movie ever made, we thought it would be great to get a 3D IMAX sequel in the works. Is Annie in grad school!? Is Hallie an ear piercer at a mall kiosk?! Not only are we going to catch up with our fave twinsies (sorry Winklevi Twins, you just can’t compete), but we’re going to get to see LiLo show off her acting chops once again. Because this time around, she’s playing all the parts. Hallie, Annie, Martin, Chessie, Mom, Dad, and yes, Grandfather.

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In Hollywood, there are many variations of crazy. We’ve got the Lindsay Lohans, the Mel Gibsons, the Heidi Montags. There’s all sorts of lunatic species over there. But that’s why we love it, no? Just when you think the celebs have learned their lessons (I feel like a mom) they get into trouble again!

Silly little celebrities, get it together! Or don’t. It’s more fun this way.

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1. T.I. is probably going back to jail! This time with his wife Tameka “Tiny” Cottle. The two were pulled over in Los Angeles because the police smelled marijuana coming from the car. They also reportedly found ecstasy and maybe even meth. YIKES! This could be big trouble for the rapper since he just got out of jail and has a three year probation. Be smart about getting stupid, brah!

2. Paris Hilton got arrested this weekend in Vegas for cocaine possession. Her heroic boyfriend, Cy Waits (you know, the guy who saved her life), was also arrested on DUI charges. Paris has come up with thousands of excuses for the coke in her bag (“I thought it was gum,” and “I don’t wear fake bags” are my two faves), none of which are very convincing. Since her arrest, Paris has been banned from several Las Vegas hotels including the Encore and Wynn. Thank god she’s still got the Hilton. Read More »

I used to think that “Get Out of Jail” free cards only existed in (drawn out) games of Monopoly, but apparently that’s not the case. At least for Lindsay Lohan who, reports say, could be released early from her treatment facility.  Originally, her sentence was 90 days (after 90 days in jail), and she has been getting treatment for 13. Did she run out of leggings to wear? Does she have a hair appointment to get to?

Whatever it is, 13 is proven to be a luckier number for LiLo than it is for T. Swizzle.

You know what that means: in just a few shorts days, Lilo will be f-r-e-e and, presumably, cleaned up.  Hold the press! No really, the press is going to be forced to hold the news because there won’t be any. Without Lindsay getting crunked and falling on the sidewalks of L.A., what is US Weekly and In Touch supposed to do with all those empty pages now?

Well don’t fret, my pets. Hollywood is a garden full of hot mess potential. Sure, Lindsay might be working and sober and boring, but here are just a few Hollywood tartlets who will most definitely stumble up to the hot mess plate: Read More »

It’s not the singing that’s bad. Or the tune, even. I mean, as far as D-Listers-turned-song-writers go, this song blows both Kim Zolciak and The Countess right out of the water.

It’s more the fact that the song is total bullsh*t that has us screaming “WTF?!?!” and pulling at our freshly trimmed locks. Really, Michael? A song about how much you love Lindsay? “A father’s love will never die”? Perhaps “I’m The Worst Dad Ever” would have been more appropriate. Or “I’m Sorry You’re So Messed Up, This Is Totes My Fault.” Hell, at least give her something she can dance around to in her cell.

Good lord, this man is a fame whore. It’s time we send this douchey dad off to an island with no cell phone service, no Internet and no. freaking. music producers.

Wait, is that a THREAT?

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