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Our friends over at TMZ got ahold of the Lohan family Christmas card (see it here) and despite LiLo’s unnaturally blonde hair, everything looks pretty normal. Too normal, in fact. Where is the drama? The framed restraining orders? The sleeveless mesh shirt?

Where is Michael Lohan?

Turns out he couldn’t make it to the family photo shoot because he was busy attending his court-ordered vacation at a rehab center in Florida. While I’d love to say that he’s a calm and rational man, capable of understanding why he was left out of the family card, I can’t.

So here are a few predictions on how I think he’ll react:

initiating the gallery...

• Someone had sex with Piers Morgan. 9 months ago…judging by the fact he has a baby now.

•  A LOT of college freshmen dumped their high school sweethearts. #notshocking

• According to the Huffington Post, J.Lo celebrated Thanksgiving with Casper…Smart, Casper Smart. I know I wished it was the ghost too.

• Michael Lohan went to the hospital. Our prayers are with the doctors and anyone else who’s holiday was ruined by Michael Lohan.

• Wal-Mart shoppers rioted over a $2 waffle maker. Reporters are ecstatic over the news. I mean, they knew there would be stampedes, but nothing quite this exciting!

• The new Twilight movie is causing seizures. It’s also causing grown women to act like horny prepubescent girls. But no one is reporting that news today.

• Kirsten Dunst went make-up free at the airport. How very brave of her!!!

• There was some kind of balloon parade in NYC yesterday. I think it might have been a one-time thing. So you should look at photos now, because this parade might not happen ever again.

•Lady Gaga says she posed nude. We say that’s her most boring outfit yet!

• The crazy “inject-anything-into-my-butt-to-make-it-bigger” story keeps getting more ridiculous.

• A deleted scene from Harry Potter was released. Harry4eva!

• Aziz Ansari wants you to spit. It’s for a good cause, so just watch the video. For realsies.

In fact, we don’t think she should ever step foot in jail even after she’s good and clean. It’s a total waste of time for everyone involved. (Well except TMZ. But we can’t always be looking out for them, you know?) We have a few other productive alternatives to Linds serving jail time –  things that will really teach her a hard lesson while also paying back her debt to society.

1. Make a Parent Trap Sequel – Not only was this the most action-filled, heartwrenching, laugh-till-it-hurts movie ever made, but it truly showcased just how talented Lindsay is when it comes to acting. She played two parts and totally had me believing that Annie and Hallie were two different people. Since Hollywood is updating every other movie ever made, we thought it would be great to get a 3D IMAX sequel in the works. Is Annie in grad school!? Is Hallie an ear piercer at a mall kiosk?! Not only are we going to catch up with our fave twinsies (sorry Winklevi Twins, you just can’t compete), but we’re going to get to see LiLo show off her acting chops once again. Because this time around, she’s playing all the parts. Hallie, Annie, Martin, Chessie, Mom, Dad, and yes, Grandfather.

2. Apologize for I Know Who Killed Me – Because before this film we were all on Team Lindsay. Mean Girls! Freaky Friday! PARENT TRAP! All I ask is that she log on to Twitter for a minute and say sorry. And refund my ticket money and my $9 movie popcorn. Oh, and give a personal apology to my 19-year-old sister who was my movie date. We had to have quite the talk after that movie.

3. Lock Ali Lohan in her Room – Mama Dina be damned. There’s no way we’re letting another Lohan into the spotlight. Yes, some damage has already been done. Yes, she’s posed provocatively and yes, she’s been on a reality show all about her mother’s desperation to make her famous. But no, we will not let her start sniffing (literally) around Hollywood for a chance to fill her sister’s shoes.

4. Go to college – A few years away from Hollywood stressing about sweat pant weight gain and final papers will give her a little perspective. Like remind her that not all 20-year-olds are clubbing with their mother, file restraining orders against their media-loving daddy, and fight over Aaron Carter (remember that?!). And she’ll definitely have her choice of colleges. I mean, her essay is going to blow the admissions committee out of the water. Forget that kid that did a community service teen tour and check out the girl who chased down her assistant at high speeds while high on cocaine.

5. Fan College Candy on Facebook – And no, we’re not just saying that for selfish reasons. We just want the best for our baby girl and there’s nothing better for a 20-something lady than our fan page. Especially because we’re giving away a beer pong table to one lucky fan. And Lindsay will need that for all the games of water pong that are in her future.

So yeah, if anyone knows the judge’s address, just send this along.

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In Hollywood, there are many variations of crazy. We’ve got the Lindsay Lohans, the Mel Gibsons, the Heidi Montags. There’s all sorts of lunatic species over there. But that’s why we love it, no? Just when you think the celebs have learned their lessons (I feel like a mom) they get into trouble again!

Silly little celebrities, get it together! Or don’t. It’s more fun this way.

King Size

1. T.I. is probably going back to jail! This time with his wife Tameka “Tiny” Cottle. The two were pulled over in Los Angeles because the police smelled marijuana coming from the car. They also reportedly found ecstasy and maybe even meth. YIKES! This could be big trouble for the rapper since he just got out of jail and has a three year probation. Be smart about getting stupid, brah!

2. Paris Hilton got arrested this weekend in Vegas for cocaine possession. Her heroic boyfriend, Cy Waits (you know, the guy who saved her life), was also arrested on DUI charges. Paris has come up with thousands of excuses for the coke in her bag (“I thought it was gum,” and “I don’t wear fake bags” are my two faves), none of which are very convincing. Since her arrest, Paris has been banned from several Las Vegas hotels including the Encore and Wynn. Thank god she’s still got the Hilton.

3. Lindsay Lohan filed a cease and desist against her dad, Michael Lohan! Apparently, Papa Lohan has been trying to sell LiLo’s diary excerpts from her rehab stint in 2007. This may be the reason our favorite felon was spotted out at a club with alcohol in the picture. But if she was actually drinking, we don’t know. Hopefully she’ll stay on the right path this time. We’re pulling for you, Lindsay!

4. Funnylady Chelsea Handler and her hot animal trainer boyfriend, Dave Salmoni, split up! Sadface. The two have been together for awhile and were spotted in August together at a Natasha Beddingfield concert. She even interviewed him a few times on her show. Chelsea mentioned the split on her September 1st episode and said she “was working very intimately with the Animal Planet, but unfortunately, that contract was terminated.” At least she knows how to laugh it off!

5. Are Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt faking it? We’ve been speculating that all the Speidi dramz is a publicity stunt and for good reason. The two have been spotted together in Costa Rica with their dogs! And they’ve pulled the plug on the sex tape sale with Vivid Entertainment. The good news is that Heidi’s looking a lot more normal, and she’s still planning to get her implants reduced. Could this be a change we’re seeing?

Bite Sized

1. Have no fear, Anne Hathaway’s hair is a wig! Since the disaster of Emma Watson’s pixie cut, it seemed that Anne was following the trend, but it turns out it’s a wig for her new movie, One Day. So sad – she looked gorge.

2. It looks like Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr are back together. They were spotted at the US Open doing some serious making out. Yay!

3. The cast for Dancing With The Stars season 11 (or Dancing with the Douche Lords) is out! It includes The Situation, Bristol Palin, David Hasselhoff and more!

4. Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds in the same movie? YES please! They have signed on to do an action-comedy about two San Francisco police officers whose dads were on the force together. Yay!

5. Oh.my.gawd! Drool over True Blood sexpot Ryan Kwanten.

Whatever it is, 13 is proven to be a luckier number for LiLo than it is for T. Swizzle.

You know what that means: in just a few shorts days, Lilo will be f-r-e-e and, presumably, cleaned up.  Hold the press! No really, the press is going to be forced to hold the news because there won’t be any. Without Lindsay getting crunked and falling on the sidewalks of L.A., what is US Weekly and In Touch supposed to do with all those empty pages now?

Well don’t fret, my pets. Hollywood is a garden full of hot mess potential. Sure, Lindsay might be working and sober and boring, but here are just a few Hollywood tartlets who will most definitely stumble up to the hot mess plate:

Taylor Momsen

Oh man, where do I even start with Miss Momsen? Is it the rat nest on her head? Her zipper-front jeans she’s sporting?  The name of her band – The Pretty Reckless? Wait – I’ve got it. The hooker eyeliner. Yeah, that’s probably the most obvious problem. This (YOUNG) girl is the hottest mess around, so much so that on a good day, she makes LiLo look like Dora the Explorer. If there were ever someone to follow in Lindsay’s footsteps, Ms. Momsen is it.

Miley Cyrus

I’m depressed to say this because I really like to stick up for Miley; ‘She’s just expressing herself, let her be!’ But Miley is proving to me that I just need to snap my trap shut.  Exhibit A: Rumors are circling that Miley wants a boob job. Badly. I hope they are not true but regardless, Miley’s got the case of the Lindsay’s knocking at her love-layer door.  The ripped clothes, the long hair, the raunchy music videos dubbed ‘artistic expression’… it’s all there folks.

Ke$ha

Ke$ha’s songs are like Lilo’s life set to a catchy beat. Tunes about trashing people’s houses, barfing in public and making fun of old men hitting on her in bars…. all she needs is a SCRAM bracelet and we’re good to go.

Ali Lohan

Just because Lindsay’s clean doesn’t mean there are no hot messes left in the Lohan family. It is the Lohan family, after all! Ali’s had to watch her sister unravel, her mother assist and her father, well, just be himself. It’s only a matter of time until Ali’s passing out in Range Rovers, popping bottles (and pills) in the club, and giving us plenty to read about.

Britney Spears

Much like death, taxes and 3am pizza runs, a Britney Spears meltdown is a certainty of life. Who needs Lindsay when Britney’s sporting those exposed extensions and daisy dukes, and dragging a Venti Frap with her wherever she goes? Bring Adnan back into the picture and we won’t even remember Lilo’s name.

It’s not the singing that’s bad. Or the tune, even. I mean, as far as D-Listers-turned-song-writers go, this song blows both Kim Zolciak and The Countess right out of the water.

It’s more the fact that the song is total bullsh*t that has us screaming “WTF?!?!” and pulling at our freshly trimmed locks. Really, Michael? A song about how much you love Lindsay? “A father’s love will never die”? Perhaps “I’m The Worst Dad Ever” would have been more appropriate. Or “I’m Sorry You’re So Messed Up, This Is Totes My Fault.” Hell, at least give her something she can dance around to in her cell.

Good lord, this man is a fame whore. It’s time we send this douchey dad off to an island with no cell phone service, no Internet and no. freaking. music producers.

Wait, is that a THREAT?

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