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I was excited to dig into Maxim this month.  Somehow the magazine has been a monthly treat I have come to look forward to. It gives me the same feelings I get when I eat a big, gooey brownie  – indulgent, satisfied, and really, really guilty.

I learned a lot in this month’s issue of Maxim, starting with Michelle Trachenberg’s deepest and darkest secrets. (Seriously, her photo shoot looked like a vampire True Blood fantasy). Maxim taught me that contrary to what I learned in  Bambi, people really are not hornier in the springtime. Dag nabbit, Thumper!  How do you explain how my eyelashes grow and thicken so I can bat them at all the hotties in their Sperry’s every May? I also learned that it’s easier to give birth in the warmer months, hence the call to boning when the weather outside is frightful.

I was born in the warmer months…
Um, ew.

Moving on…

As I continued to flip through the raunch-fest, I happened upon a new photo column. It’s called ‘Woman With a Tool.’ No, hot chicks don’t pose with a different douchebag every month; they actually put on a lacy bra and suspenders and pose with a tool. Like, from a tool box. (The bros at Maxim HQ must have put on their thinking caps to come up with this one!)  This month, a saucy blonde is posing with a shovel… and I feel like that biotch is mocking me.  I have spent weeks shoveling out my car every morning and I didn’t do it in lingerie and stripper heels. Thanks for making me look bad, Bitch with a Shovel.

For all of the Jessica Simpsons out there, Maxim took it upon themselves to create a pictorial about how buffalo wild wings are made (to show their utmost appreciation for them).  The third step? Beautiful virgins bathe the wings in a potent blend of cosmic dust, angels’ tears, and sweet, sweet hot sauce.  Wait…so, like, buffaloes can swim and fly? Sorry – I don’t eat flying buffalo.

After plowing through a few interviews where girls in tight tops sans bra and short frilly pink skirts claimed their last meal was “french fries and goat cheese,” I came across ‘The Scaredy-Cat’s Guide to Kicking Your Phobias,’ an article for all the wimpy boys out there. And it’s a true gem.

Time to take a deep breath and conquer our fears, ya’ll. Fingers crossed there’s something in there to help get me over my fear of an empty box of Girl Scout cookies!

Maxim Says: Fear of peeing in the men’s room.  Your winkle refuses to tinkle? Solution: Hold your breath for thirty seconds.
Brittany Says: Clearly, I have never experienced this fear, but someone key me in: how is holding your breath going to make your winkie dink tink?  What happened to imagining a waterfall and getting the TLC song stuck in your head?

Maxim Says: Fear of flying.  Solution: Know the facts.  Almost all accidents happen in either the first three minutes after takeoff or the last eight minutes before touchdown, so relax and drink up for the rest of the flight.
Brittany Says: Pardon me for being Captain Obvious, but this sounds like a ‘fear of flying nightmare sandwich.’ Oh, so the plane is either going to nose dive in the first three minutes or the last eight?  I’m so looking forward to the three hours in the middle!

Maxim Says: Fear of death. Solution: Just say STOP.  Literally, when the thought of death enters your head say the word ‘stop.’
Brittany Says: On top of freaking out about croaking, I’m not going to waste my precious life away having arguments with myself. Besides, I’d just get The Supremes song stuck in my head and no one wants to live their life like that.

Maxim Says: Fear of motorcycles. Solution: Wear all the gear. Understand the risks and minimize them. When you do go out there alone, stay away from booze.
Brittany Says: Does Maxim really have to remind guys to not drink and drive? Here’s some advice: Afraid of motorcycles? DRIVE A CAR. There, was that so hard?

Oh, and where’s the advice for a guy who’s afraid of commitment? Can we get some real advice up in here?

This isn’t Maxim’s first rodeo. Get more of their ridiculous advice right here.

It’s rainy. It’s windy. You haven’t seen sunlight in days, you didn’t do so hot on today’s pop quiz, and you really don’t feel like reading about the Enlightenment for history class. What better way to beat the dreariness and procrastinate than by having a comedy movie marathon to boost your spirits and make you laugh?

When fall settles in and it’s not as much fun to walk through campus on a chilly, dismal day, grab a bunch of kids from your hall, pop some warm, buttery popcorn, and veg out in flannel pj’s and sweats. You’ll feel better, you’ll have fun, and best of all, these movies sure as hell beat anything that sprung from the Enlightenment!

1. Happy Campers

I stumbled upon this little gem in college, and ended up being charged an arm and a leg in late fees when I couldn’t bring myself to return my new instant-favorite to the video store. Starring Brad Renfro, Dominique Swain, and Jaime King (credited as James King), this black comedy follows six mismatched camp counselors through the trials and tribulations of summer camp.

All of the typical stereotypes are present in the counselors who have to fend for themselves and control their coming-of-age campers after the director of the camp is struck by lightening. If you’re thinking this movie is just as cheesy as such camp movies as Camp Nowhere or Heavyweights, think again. Do those Disney flicks feature scenes in which the “slutty” counselor tells her charges that semen tastes like salty pancake batter? I didn’t think so.

Bonus: Summer movies might be the only chance of seeing sunshine as the days get longer and darker.

2. Grandma’s Boy

This Happy Madison production does NOT feature Adam Sandler, but if you’ve seen Big Daddy, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, and the rest of Sandler’s flicks, you’ll recognize the featured cast (Kevin Nealon, Peter Dante, and Allen Covert), as well as Rob Schneider and David Spade, who make hysterical cameos. Co-written and co-produced by my future husband, Nick Swardson, this movie wraps excessive marijuana use, Dance Dance Revolution, karaoke, a ninja monkey, and the nerdy guy from Dodgeball (dressed in pleather) into one gut-busting hit. Did I mention Doris Roberts from Everybody Loves Raymond also plays a major part?Bonus: This movie is totally guy-friendly, so you can make a coed movie night out of it!

3. Mean Girls

Come on — this movie is the staple for a snuggly night in. No matter how many times Lindsay Lohan says “Grool”– you know, when she meant to say “cool,” but then she started to say “great”– Mean Girls gives you something new to notice and laugh at every time around. Maybe that’s because the script is written by funny woman Tina Fey, of Saturday Night Live, 30 Rock and Baby Mama fame. There’s plenty of eye candy, plenty of velour jumpsuits, and plenty of Rachel McAdams portraying the ultimate Queen Bee. What’s not to love?Bonus: Save money on rentals — it’s pretty much guaranteed that someone on your floor already owns it.

4. EuroTrip

Just because Spring Break is months away doesn’t mean it’s too early to start planning. What better way to get some fab SB plans than by watching the ultimate collegiate European adventure? Three guys and Michelle Trachtenberg jetset to London, Paris, Amsterdam, Bratislava, Vatican City, and more, partaking in plenty of deviance along the way. So what if you’re stuck inside a dorm room, bored out of your mind? Escape to the world of French robots, football hooligans, Absinthe, and crass Nazi jokes. Forget Miami Beach — this movie will make you want to dust off your passport and head to Europe this spring!Bonus: Look for the cameo by Matt Damon — just be careful not to get his catchy jam stuck in your head!

5. Sorority Boys

When three guys are unfairly kicked out of their the KOK fraternity house, they do what any dude would do in this situation: dress in drag and pose as pledges for the DOG sorority. Obvi. Of course, as the film progresses, Barry Watson and his crossdressing cohorts learn life lessons, make valuable friends, fall in love, and outcon the enemy, with lots of sexual innuendos and biological puns along the way.Bonus: You don’t have to think. At all. Just sit back and enjoy Harland Williams’ antics.

Iron Man is unstoppable!

Simon Pegg entertains me far, far too much

Harriet the Spy is back, baby

And look, so is Tom Cruise on Oprah

TMZ officially ranks as “legit news”

50 funniest movie scenes ever

Because Diddy’s ego hadn’t been inflated today…

Meanwhile, Kanye’s ego is OUT OF CONTROL

If you like LC’s clothes, click here and learn her ways (your own personal Justin Bobby not included)

David Zinczenko’s article qualifies personalities by a list of pretty straightforward (and hot) celebs. Needless to say, I was pretty surprised by the answers these guys gave when asked which starlet they had the hots for. Sure, you could put the celebs into a category and try to analyze the guys via David’s perspective. But what I discovered was much, much more fascinating than what any guy could tell me about what a man’s celebrity crush reveals.

Based on my findings, guys like celebrities who are pretty damn normal. Yes, perhaps these girls are a bit hotter, a bit fitter and with a bit A LOT more money. But come on, Lacey Chabert, Michelle Trachtenberg, Natalie Portman, Emma Watson, Carrie Underwood and Larissa Oleynik (aka Alex Mack)?

I know. I was astounded as well. Yes, these girls are all amazing actresses or singers, but for the most part all of them are (in many ways) a lot like you and I.

No guy named Lindsay or Jennifer Aniston or even Fergie. And even Natalie Portman, the biggest star the guys chose, went to Harvard and has an awesome sense of humor. Just check out the SNL sketch where she raps. That shit is funny—no hysterical—and one of the aforementioned guys reasons for totally loving her.

In his article, Zinczenko said that “Though the characters may change from time to time, guys often choose their celebrity crushes based on some deeper longing for what they want in women.” In the end a guy fantasizing about a “normal” celeb is good news for the ladies in their lives.

So, let them dream their little dreams. It’s you he’s taking to bed.

Celebrities are fun to write about and gawk at (if you’re lucky enough to encounter one in its native habitat), but I have a feeling I would just not be compatible with the likes of Lindsay or Paris or even that sweet – seeming Michelle Trachtenberg. It just wouldn’t work. I need downtime. Also, my cell phone is five years old and I look weird in sunglasses.

Sienna Miller, on the other hand, is the kind of girl I would kill to hang out with, or at least borrow clothes from. She’s my frush: friend – crush. She would be like the older sister I never had. We would eat scones and talk shit and wear ironic porkpie hats. If only she knew I was right here, waiting…

Do I sound creepy? Sorry, but the cool, original celebrities are so few and far between, and Sienna is the ultimate. She may have have no discernable talent, but she did Jude, is doing Diddy and still has the best sense of style out of anyone these days (with no help from that freaky Rachel Zoe).

So until Sienna wises up and realizes I’m her new bff, I can cling to siennastyle.org (still trying to figure out why it’s a .org, but whatever). This site is amazing — it catalogues dozens of Sienna’s best outfits, breaks them down, and tells you where to buy the pieces. I feel much better about myself now that I can look exactly like Sienna, and also that there are other people out there more obsessed than I am.