Well, this kid's screwed.

Sixth grade was a rough year for me. I was sitting at the semi-popular table at lunch and was delusional enough to think I was the cat’s pajamas. Looking back, I simply was not. Maybe because I used phrases like “the cat’s pajamas.”  And now, a Swedish study is telling me that my unpopularity will cause me to suffer from heart disease and diabetes later in life and I will most likely start doing drugs and try to kill myself.

If I had known this when I was 13, I would have combed my hair on a more regular basis.

The study, which is most definitely making me want to eat enough candy to put me in a diabetic coma/do drugs/crawl into my bed and cry, was done by Stockholm University and the Karolinska Institute and assessed children in sixth grade for their degree of “popularity, power and social status.”

Now, I have to ask: What kind of power were they expecting from a 13-year-old child? His ability to convince a girl in his class to go 7 Minutes in Heaven with him?

Popularity is such a trivial theory. And no, I’m not just saying this because I’m bitter that I’m at greater risk for alcohol dependency than others. Popularity in middle school ran parallel to who had the best desserts in his or her Power Rangers/My Little Pony lunchbox. By eighth grade, you were considered a cool girl if you had boobs and a cool guy if you were allowed to touch them. If you made it to second base, you were destined to be popular in high school. And if you went to an all-girls high school like I did, well no one was popular in that case. Read More »

Whenever I find myself at the mall (which, unfortunately for my savings account, is way too much), I can’t help but stop in Claire’s to pick up some super cheap studs and a few headbands. (Don’t judge.) And every time, without fail, there’ s a group of trying-too-hard-uncomfortable-in-their-skin preteens buying up those ugly jelly bracelets like its their job. Flashbacks of my own horrible purchases (and the terrible need to sell my soul to be part of the click) force me out of the store as quickly as possible, as I chalk up the rubber things as a fleeting fad in preteen fashion.

But a recent article now has me thinking that these girls are a whole new generation of slut, wearing their sexual history on their sleeves.

The gist of the article is that a middle school in Colorado has banned rubber bracelets because they believe the students are participating in “snap games.” No, that’s not some sort of game where you pull back the rubber bracelet and snap your friend’s wrist to make her scream bloody murder. It’s actually when students wear different bracelets to represent their participation in certain sexual acts.

Pause.
WHAT!? Read More »

You'll regret those fashion decisions one day, kids. Trust.

Now that we are all college students our life is full of stress – classes, jobs, and, oh yeah, that little task of figuring out what to do with the rest of our lives. I’m sure that on more than one occasion we have all stopped and wished we could go back to our carefree childhood years for at least a day:

Coming home from school to a Swiss Cake Roll waiting for you and eating it layer by layer while watching episodes of Sister Sister and The Secret World of Alex Mack. Then chatting on AIM for hours on end to all of our “homies” about the “phat!” shoes we wore that day.

Ah, that was the life.

But as wonderful as it was, there is one aspect of my childhood that I pray never comes back to haunt me: my wardrobe.

I blame my shopping addiction and poor fashion choices on my mother. From a very young age she had me convinced that a new dress was needed for every new event that popped up on the schedule. That being said, when there was a new trend on the market, I was one of the first ones to have it. Then? Cool. Now? The reason for many an embarrassing photo (which I very purposely left at home when I moved to campus). Looking back on the trends of our middle school days, I am left sitting on my floor surrounded by piles of reputation-killing photos wondering what the eff we were thinking back then… Read More »

Even if we’ve blocked out selective memories of our childhood (the dentist…I shudder at the thought), we all remember elementary school recess. Now that I’m through with my public school education, I’ve been taking the time to reminisce about my favorite memories from those days. Man, did I love that half hour of pegging younger kids in the head with kickballs (which they totally deserved, by the way, just for being there).

At the risk of sounding like a creeper with a window-less van parked 100 yards from a playground, here are some of my favorite games from recess that I wish were appropriate for eighteen year-olds to play. Note: I like the games…not the kids. Read More »

Remember when you were 13 and everything seemed like the biggest deal ever and “OMG you are going to die because life is just so bad”? Oh, and you were wearing giant bell bottom jeans and a shirt with a condom pocket on the sleeve? Yeah, those were the days.

Don’t you wish you could hop into a DeLorean and go back and give that girl some (fashion) advice? Maybe a little nugget of wisdom to make those angsty teenage years just a little less angsty? Unfortch, we can’t go back there (or maybe it’s a good thing – I don’t like looking at pictures of myself with that perm, so interacting with it in person would be devastating), but if you could, what would you say?

This week I asked the CollegeCandy team to share their life lessons with their younger selves.
What wisdom would you impart? Read More »

Okay, okay. I know last week I promised I’d finally make a playlist with some songs to drink to this week.

But then, I was driving home from a concert and heard a gem from the past on the radio (“My Neck, My Back” by Khia, anyone?). This led to a conversation with my friend about songs that we used to listen to in middle school that we definitely shouldn’t have.

Seriously, it’s amazing how many songs somehow slipped under my Mother’s radar in middle school and managed to taint my twelve year old ears.

So, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make a playlist with all those little ditties that we all LURVED in school, even though we most likely weren’t 100% sure what the lyrics really meant. Read More »

This week was full of ups and downs… and we’re not just talking about the stock market. Ayooo! Don’t forget to tip the waitstaff!:

Down: College campuses are breeding grounds for disease.

Up: We found a beer that can cure cancer.

Down: Dudes hate our favorite boots.

Up: We found the best shopping site and we got a hot new bag.

Down: We aren’t sure if we’re sexually active.

Up: We learned how to muster the courage to hop on top.

Down: We sent drunk emails to the boys we love

Up: We found some great makeup to cover up the hangover in the morning.

Down: Middle schoolers have to take the PPSAT.

Up: We aren’t in middle school anymore.

Another up is that it’s Friday and we have a great playlist to dance to and the perfect outfit to wear out to the bar. Things are definitely on the up and up from here on out.

Happy Friday!

Remember when you had to prepare for the SATs? The courses, the books, the tutors, and missing many Saturdays with your friends to take those damn practice tests? Yeah, that totally sucked.

And remember even before that when you were a sophomore and you had to take the PSAT? The Saturday morning spent at school instead of in bed (with reruns of Saved By the Bell), and then that stupid breakdown that told you what your future held (mine said “guidance counselor”)? Yeah, that totally sucked too.

Especially since I hate kids.

Looks like those fools at College Board (those are the people behind the SAT and PSAT, by the way) want to ruin yet another part of your life. This time: middle school. They are sick of losing potential testers to the dreaded ACT (which was so. much. better.), so they decided to rope em in early. Like, in 8th grade.

The College Board claims that this new test will point out areas that students need to work on to be successful in both high school and college, but it is basically just another way to make a few bucks, freak parents the eff out, and piss off 13 year olds across the country.

I may dislike children, but I still feel for them. Another test? There is already plenty of controversy surrounding the validity of the SAT to predict future success, so how can anyone think this test will be any different? And I made it through high school and college successfully without this test, so why burden these poor, defenseless kids (who already have enough to worry about with braces and acne) with another test?!

Just be glad this happened long after we finished all that standardized testing. Although, if College Board has its way, there may be a standardized test for getting a job. Or finding a new apartment. Or having kids.

But maybe that one won’t be so bad.

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Makeup is fun. With makeup I can make myself look like anything I want. I can glam myself up, or play out a more natural look. I can turn myself into a sex kitten, or an innocent girl next door.

But it has taken years and years of trial and error to know what looks good on my face and what makes me look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show. Looking back I’ve had some pretty disastrous makeup moments that I have comprised into my top 5 makeup regrets.

1. Sweat + black eyeliner = scary raccoon eyes. Now I love me some black eyeliner, especially when I’m putting on a cute little dress and going out to a club, but there are certain places where it’s probably not a good idea to pile on the black and, unfortunately, I’ve learned this the hard way.

One night my friends and I dressed ourselves up to go out dancing and I had put on a ton of dark eyeshadow and eyeliner. The dance floor was completely packed and after about half an hour we were all sweaty and gross. My friend and I went to the bathroom to cool down and when I looked in the mirror, I found that the makeup I had so meticulously applied was now all over my face! Seriously, it looked as if I had rubbed a huge piece of charcoal all around my eye and down my cheeks. My black eyeshadow had literally melted from me sweating and was now sitting in clumps on my eyelids. Needless to say I had to scrub it all off before anyone (besides all those people I saw pre-bathroom trip) saw my disaster of a face. Read More »

It’s that time of year again: the first day of school. Students all over the world are preparing for the opportunities that lie ahead. There is so much to learn and so much to see. It is no wonder so many students look forward to this day.

With the first day of classes so near, I began thinking about the way things were in high school around this time.

I remember the big trip to Office Max with my mom every year; we’d hop in her SUV and drive on down to the store, where I would leap from the vehicle while it was still in motion, and run up and down the aisles (Supermarket Sweep style) seeking out the newest pens and folder colors.

I would then return home with my new purchases and proceed to label every folder for every class, color code my notebooks and binders, and put it all in my brand new Eddie Bauer bag for the first day of school.

And I know I’m not alone.

Even more exciting (if possible) than my school supply spree was my first day of school shopping extravaganza. There was nothing more important in life than what you wore on the first day of school; it set the tone for the year and let people know what kind of person you were. Read More »