If I could go to a Bat Mitzvah every weekend for the rest of my life, I would. Those were the glory days. Personalized everything, sundae bars, extremely awful DJs, and everyone in their pubescent splendor.

You remember: it’s 7th grade. You have braces. Low by Lil John is playing and you’re doing your best imitation of Beyonce in the Crazy In Love music video. You’re most likely wearing a fold over skirt and Tiffany’s bracelet (imitation or real). Suddenly Low finishes and Heaven by DJ Sammy, Candlelight Mix, comes on. Everyone’s pairing off to awkwardly sway with one another, about three feet apart. But suddenly you notice there’s no line for the photo booth and it’s either now or never. This dilemma was a weekly thing in middle school.

Read More »

Ah, middle school dances. Remember those? Middle school was a time filled with girls who like boys but are taller than them and boys who like girls but are suffering through that awkward I might-be-going-through-puberty-soon stage. A time for “do you like me? check yes or no” notes, relentless bullying as a sign of flirtation, and teachers who are more in tuned with the adolescent gossip than the actual students are. So when you bring all of these elements together for a school dance: the awkward meter skyrockets! As we take a trip down memory lane, let us remember those crucial ingredients needed to concoct the perfect middle school dance.

Read More »

Middle school sucks, hands down. I don’t know anyone who has ever claimed that middle school was the best three years of their life. And if I did know someone who said that, I would also know that they were a pathological liar. Between the ages of 12 and 14, kids are awkwardly trying to adjust to their pubescent bodies. And they have braces. So things are just awkward all around.

And to make things worse, middle school kids are mean. Like, really mean. Name-calling is like eating for middle schoolers–they do it compulsively. Last time I visited my middle school (don’t ask me why I ever went back to that awful place), the halls were plastered with signs telling kids to stop being so mean to each other. Waste of money, obviously. At least they tried.

It will probably never stop, that’s just the middle school MO. But if you thought you were the only one out there getting called chicken legs on the regular, you are oh so wrong. Even celebs got teased when they were kids. Oh you thought they were perfect? Well they are, of course. But they had to be 13 sometime.

Check out these nicknames celebs were teased with when they were younger.

Got something awesome everyone needs to know about? A really great local band? An awesome website? A product that truly changed your life? A great beauty product?! Email your “The Know” ideas to Jill@collegecandy.com or tweet me and I’ll pass them along to everyone right here, every week. Make your kindergarten teacher proud and share!

You know that odd period of time Friday night when you’re done with class, too tired to workout but not quite ready to go out and nothing, I mean NOTHING is on TV? Unless you want to watch the same episode of Say Yes to the Dress for, like, the 12th time all the while thinking (just like you did the first time you saw this very episode), “Why am I watching this crap? There goes an hour and a little bit of dignity that I will never get back.”

Well, guess what? That’s all about to change. There’s a new reality show in town, peeps, and this time it’s actually good. I’m not talking so-bad-it’s-oh-so-good like Jersey Shore and all it’s fist pumping glory (as thankful as I am that I’ve learned how to beat the beat); I’m talking eye-opening, thought provoking, I-can’t-believe-this-is-the-country-we-live-in good, and it’s starting this Friday. Read More »

A few weeks ago we learned that men are such fragile beings that they tend to buy condoms that are too big for them instead of admitting (to the CVS lady) that their junk is on the smaller side. And now we’ve discovered that less-endowed men aren’t the only ones with a condom sizing issue – 12-year-old-boys can’t seem to find condoms in their middle school size, either.

Yes, you read that right – 12-year-old boys. Buying condoms. And, gross, having sex.

In an effort to keep those little boys safe, Switzerland, the geniuses that they are, have introduced a smaller condom called the HotShot.  OF COURSE! Why discourage 6th graders from getting it on when you can just make a smaller condom?  Little kids should obviously use condoms, that’s just responsible…much like having sex when you’re 12.

And as long as the Swiss are creating things for our younger friends (or the kids that we babysit for…), I wouldn’t be surprised if they took it one step further. Perhaps it’s time to start making smaller cigarettes to fit in those little hands, Hello Kitty vibrators, Spongebob Squarepants flasks (for those long days on the playground), or even a Hannah Montana bong (“The climb totally speaks to me. ZOMG, why are my light up sneakers so BIG?!”).

Or maybe the swiss should stick to what they know (watches, pocket knives) and let kids be kids. My god – I know they’re growing up fast, but this is just too much.

"When a man loves a woman...."

I vividly remember the times when Salt-N-Pepa’s “Let’s Talk about Sex” would come on the radio while I was being chauffeured around by my mother. I would plead to the heavens above that she would not take this opportunity to actually talk about sex with me. I dreaded the conversation that I knew was coming.

I thought Chrissy’s mom in Now and Then explained it perfectly when she said: “All women have a garden, and a garden needs a big hose to water it…or a small hose… as long as it works.” That was all I needed to hear on the topic of coitus. Plus, I would probably vomit if I ever heard the phrase “blow job” leave my mother’s lips.  And fortunately for me, I never had to.

Whether she figured the sex ship had already left my harbor, or she truly and sincerely believed that I was, and am, still as pure as they day she birthed me, my mother has successfully avoided the topic of sex with me for the past 22 years. And that’s too bad, because a new study is preaching a much earlier age to have The Talk. Read More »

Well, this kid's screwed.

Sixth grade was a rough year for me. I was sitting at the semi-popular table at lunch and was delusional enough to think I was the cat’s pajamas. Looking back, I simply was not. Maybe because I used phrases like “the cat’s pajamas.”  And now, a Swedish study is telling me that my unpopularity will cause me to suffer from heart disease and diabetes later in life and I will most likely start doing drugs and try to kill myself.

If I had known this when I was 13, I would have combed my hair on a more regular basis.

The study, which is most definitely making me want to eat enough candy to put me in a diabetic coma/do drugs/crawl into my bed and cry, was done by Stockholm University and the Karolinska Institute and assessed children in sixth grade for their degree of “popularity, power and social status.”

Now, I have to ask: What kind of power were they expecting from a 13-year-old child? His ability to convince a girl in his class to go 7 Minutes in Heaven with him?

Popularity is such a trivial theory. And no, I’m not just saying this because I’m bitter that I’m at greater risk for alcohol dependency than others. Popularity in middle school ran parallel to who had the best desserts in his or her Power Rangers/My Little Pony lunchbox. By eighth grade, you were considered a cool girl if you had boobs and a cool guy if you were allowed to touch them. If you made it to second base, you were destined to be popular in high school. And if you went to an all-girls high school like I did, well no one was popular in that case. Read More »

Whenever I find myself at the mall (which, unfortunately for my savings account, is way too much), I can’t help but stop in Claire’s to pick up some super cheap studs and a few headbands. (Don’t judge.) And every time, without fail, there’ s a group of trying-too-hard-uncomfortable-in-their-skin preteens buying up those ugly jelly bracelets like its their job. Flashbacks of my own horrible purchases (and the terrible need to sell my soul to be part of the click) force me out of the store as quickly as possible, as I chalk up the rubber things as a fleeting fad in preteen fashion.

But a recent article now has me thinking that these girls are a whole new generation of slut, wearing their sexual history on their sleeves.

The gist of the article is that a middle school in Colorado has banned rubber bracelets because they believe the students are participating in “snap games.” No, that’s not some sort of game where you pull back the rubber bracelet and snap your friend’s wrist to make her scream bloody murder. It’s actually when students wear different bracelets to represent their participation in certain sexual acts.

Pause.
WHAT!? Read More »

You'll regret those fashion decisions one day, kids. Trust.

Now that we are all college students our life is full of stress – classes, jobs, and, oh yeah, that little task of figuring out what to do with the rest of our lives. I’m sure that on more than one occasion we have all stopped and wished we could go back to our carefree childhood years for at least a day:

Coming home from school to a Swiss Cake Roll waiting for you and eating it layer by layer while watching episodes of Sister Sister and The Secret World of Alex Mack. Then chatting on AIM for hours on end to all of our “homies” about the “phat!” shoes we wore that day.

Ah, that was the life.

But as wonderful as it was, there is one aspect of my childhood that I pray never comes back to haunt me: my wardrobe.

I blame my shopping addiction and poor fashion choices on my mother. From a very young age she had me convinced that a new dress was needed for every new event that popped up on the schedule. That being said, when there was a new trend on the market, I was one of the first ones to have it. Then? Cool. Now? The reason for many an embarrassing photo (which I very purposely left at home when I moved to campus). Looking back on the trends of our middle school days, I am left sitting on my floor surrounded by piles of reputation-killing photos wondering what the eff we were thinking back then… Read More »

Even if we’ve blocked out selective memories of our childhood (the dentist…I shudder at the thought), we all remember elementary school recess. Now that I’m through with my public school education, I’ve been taking the time to reminisce about my favorite memories from those days. Man, did I love that half hour of pegging younger kids in the head with kickballs (which they totally deserved, by the way, just for being there).

At the risk of sounding like a creeper with a window-less van parked 100 yards from a playground, here are some of my favorite games from recess that I wish were appropriate for eighteen year-olds to play. Note: I like the games…not the kids. Read More »