But we just might reconsider our devotion if reports like this keep coming out.

According to PrettyBoring, our precious Piven was “doing his best” to mack on 19-year-old Hayden Panettiere at some post-Emmy party a few weeks back. Although there’s no source linked out to the report, if this is true, we will be pissed because A) Hayen in 19 years old. We’re in our mid-twenties, Piven can totally make us his May-December, but he should really stay away from a girl who is still two years too young to legally drink, and B) she’s already in a relationship with that weird looking guy from Heroes. Everyone knows that.

Lots of people who write blogs seem to think J. Piv is a prime assh*le. We’re going to hold out until there’s actual taped proof (you know how some people won’t believe in God until they see his face in a grilled cheese sandwich?), and until that day…we’ll love every possibly smarmy inch of him.

Usually, we try to have some kind of theme to our Wednesday Night series, but when we went digging through the Casual Encounters this week, we spent so much time being supremely grossed out that it was all we could do to keep ourselves from falling on the floor and pouring printer ink into our eyes. I mean, there was some gross sh*t on the internet this week. For realz.

Below are just a bunch of people we really hope we never meet.

Guy Who May or May Not Work At Costco Wants To Help You Promote Infidelity

Hey there. Thanks for reading my ad. I’m looking for a stay at home mom, that is already in a relationship, but just wants to have a lover on the side. You know the drill, your husband goes to work, and you have to watch the kids. But when the kids are at school, or go to their friends house, you have some free time to yourself. Then you fantasize about hooking up with the FedEx driver or that young guy that helped you at Costco. Well if that’s you, lets meet up.

If you can’t keep a secret, or if you are single, please don’t reply.

I own a pretty decent size company, so discretion is a must.

He Obviously TiVo’s ‘Little People, Big World’

Handsome multi ethnic male

6ft 200lbs muscular and hung 9 inches seeks a wild and kinky open minded little person, midget, dwarf who is interested in a sexual relationship. I prefer thick and curvy bbw types.

If interested in partying some time, lets trade pix, discrete here with plenty to trade.

This Dude Has Found the Missing Food Group…Apparently

Worldclass cunningluinguist [Editor's Note: Fantastic word choice!!] will get you off. believe it.

addicted/obsessed.teachable. & I can host if you like. same day/night meets only. no pic exchanges, I DO talk, keeps my tongue limber. going down….

Phoenix Guy Uses A) Caps and B) Bossy Statements Just A Little Too Much (but come on cut him some slack he’s bored and horny!!)

I AM HOME AND REALLY BORED! I WANNA CHILL WITH SOMEONE AND WE WILL SEE WHAT HAPPENS! IM 5’5 SHORT BLK HAIR, HAZEL EYES, AVERAGE BUILD, WEIGH 130 HAVE SIX AND A HALF INCHES UNCUT AND THICK, IF YOU WANNA MEET UP SEND ME A MESSAGE AND ILL HIT U UP!

I HAVE PICS UPON REQUEST! COME ON GUYS REALLY BORED AND HORNY!

This Guy Knows That Nothing Breaks Up A Monotonous Day Better Than Porn

Looking for a place to hang out during work hours .. maybe drink a beer watch some porn .. stroke my 8 inch c*ck ….

i am 5’11 188 lbs liteskin brn eyes a sweet smile and even sweeter lips …. let’s break up the monotony ….

If you haven’t had the pleasure of witnessing her antics, Chelsea Handler is a complete trip with great material and no shame. I found Chelsea several years ago on the Oxygen Network’s “Girls Behaving Badly”, and from there followed her to the E! Network and caught a few stand-up shows — the rest is history.

So last weekend I picked up Chelsea’s book after many months of putting it off (like I said, reading for fun loses all appeal when you have to read for purpose), and headed to a nearby coffee shop to enjoy my book with a nice cup of coffee.

I have never felt like more of a spaz. I barely made it through the first chapter without literally laughing out loud – as in laughing out loud in the middle of a crowded coffee shop filled with students studying hard, sitting all by myself. Talk about being that girl.

It only took me a few more failed attempts to try and hide my laughing before I decided Chelsea’s book was best read in the privacy of my home, where only my roommates would judge me – and I have a feeling laughing while reading isn’t too high on the list.

I continued the rest of the book — yes, I read the whole thing in one sitting — in the living room with all my roommates, who continually asked me about every five minutes what I was laughing at, (the Jurassic park feet reference killed me.) Needless to say, this book became a cult-classic in my household within a week.

Her book, “A Collection Of One Night Stands” is just what is sounds like, an entire book in which Chelsea recalls all of her one night stands dating back to high school. Her conquests range from a stallion of a man she met on the Internet in community college, a summer fling with a Jersey Shore gas station attendant, a midget in Mexico, her gyno, plus about 15 more. (Starting to feel better about your one night stands?)

Sure, you can call her promiscuous and irresponsible, but there is so much entertainment to be found in the tales of a women who holds nothing back in her recollections (including her own skid-marks.) And the sheer unabashed nature of it all just makes you happy you can live vicariously through her, and enjoy the laughs without the continuous STD tests and hangovers.

After your next long week, when you’re in need of some humor and just not wanting to be the one who gets laughed at, enjoy some laughs with and at Chelsea.

And for the real fans, there is a second book, “Are You There God, It’s Me Chelsea” coming out real soon.