Let’s face it: we all make stupid decisions. Like choosing a fifth over a review session, or bringing that guy home…who stole our iPod in the morning. That’s part of college life… and a big part of what makes it so memorable. But there are some choices that have longer lasting repercussions; things we do now that will haunt us later.

So here are the 11 things from your 20’s you will most definitely regret when you’re 40.

11. Risque Internet Photos: What’s the point of having technology if you can’t use it to send a naughty pre-shower photo to your BF? Nothing will turn him on quite like a naked photo popping up in his inbox while he’s brushing up on his Stats knowledge. You trust him, so what’s the worst that could happen? How about a break up? Or the “forward” button? No matter what you think, those photos are going to come back and bite you in the (naked-with-a-spot-of-cellulite) ass. Just show him the real thing and let him turn to his imagination (or internet porn) for a mid-class pick me up.

10. Trendy Tats: You totally love butterflies/stars/unicorns now, but I can bet money that you won’t want them plastered on the top of your foot or your lower back forever. No one wants to see a mom with a rose tattoo on her left shoulder, so think before you ink.

9. Choosing guys over your girls: You get caught up in your relationship sometimes and blow off the girls. Fine, we get it. But when sometimes turns into “What the hell ever happened to Mary?” there is a problem. Especially when Mr. Douche Bag finally breaks up with you and you come crawling back to the girls with a tub of Edy’s and a box of tissues and they aren’t there to wipe the snot from your cheek. Do you really want to spend the rest of your days holed up in a dirty apartment watching your man play Rock Band and chug Natty Light? Learn the balance, honey.

8. Getting married too young: I’ve seen it too many times – people graduate, freak out and hold onto whatever they can of their youth. And they get married.  And become super lame married people. It may be pure bliss now (and lots and lots of kitchen-ware), but just think about all the awesome stuff you will miss by being tied down in your twenties, all that freedom: to travel when you want, to take a job wherever you want, to sleep with whomever you want, to party as late as you want, to discover yourself, to sleep with whomever you want…. Plus, do you really want pictures of your friends doing keg stands in your wedding album? I thought not.

7. Smoking: Mmmm tobacco. It feels so good when it hits (and consequently blackens) your lungs. Especially after you’ve had a few Rum and Diets. And you look so cool doing it. But you know what doesn’t feel good? Chemo. And you know what doesn’t look cool? Your wrinkley face or your kids stealing the pack from your tobacco stained purse and trying it for the first time. When they are 6. This sh*t will kill you, so stop it. Right now! Seriously, put down that Marlboro Light, sister.

6. Not traveling enough: Trust me on this one – you will never have the time, money or freedom to travel like you do now.  Pretty soon you’ll be working late nights and counting down the minutes until the that will be chock full of grocery runs and Bed, Bath and Beyond trips. Try finding time in that busy schedule to jet-set to Europe and “find yourself.” Pack your bags and see the world now, before you’re too old to experiment with drugs in Amsterdam and enjoy a ping pong show in Bangkok.  Pick up a travel book and start planning!

5. Bad Credit: You can’t live without that Coach bag right now. You just have to have that DVF dress for the date party. Everyone else has an iPhone and you want one too. You’ll just charge it and worry about it later, right? Wrong, bitches. Ruining your credit now on stupid stuff (yes, I am telling you that bag is a stupid investment) will totally eff things up for you in the future. Things like getting a house, a car, a boyfriend (bad credit is a total turn-off) and sometimes even a job. Spend wisely, ladies. That bag is going to be out of style in .25 seconds anyway.

4. Not finishing school: Do we really even need to mention this one? Could you think of anything you’d regret more when you are 40 and working the checkout lane at your neighborhood Wal-mart? That is, assuming, you can even get that job in this economy.

3. Pre-vacation tanning: You tell yourself that you just want to get a base tan before Spring Break in Cabo. Sure, you will look fiiiine in that white shift dress for the 6 days after you return, but that wrinkly, skin cancer-ed mess is not going to look so hot when you’re 40 and you look like a Sharpei.

2. Stilettos: Part of becoming a woman is rockin’ the hottest pair of the highest heels. They make your legs look sick (that’s a good thing), make the men beg, and your jeans are too long to wear with anything lower. Why wouldn’t you wear them? I’ve got one hyphenated word for you: hammer-toes. You want to spend the later part of your life looking at that in a sandal?  Make your Feet Happy with these ultra comfy and cute socks..

1. “It feels better without condoms” sex: You’ll probably regret this one right off the bat as you spend your senior year chasing a kid around the dorms, but you’ll seriously regret it later when you look back at your life and realize how much you missed out on because you were busy changing diapers and bouncing a kid on your knee. Oh, and no one likes a woman with a bumpy vagina. I’m just sayin’; those genital warts will never go away.

[Lead image via Yun Yulia/Shutterstock]

Photo by Lisa Randolph

Most women wear makeup on a daily basis…and unfortunately most women also make beauty blunders on a daily basis. But it’s not their fault; it’s like we’re born with some sort of innate makeup knowledge. As a beauty blogger, I’ve noticed three mistakes pop up again and again on my friends’ faces. So while I can’t offer help for every possible situation, I can help you avoid the three biggest beauty mistakes.

1. Clumpy Eyelashes

In all my mascara reviews, I’m praised the wonders of mascara. It’s my number 1 beauty must-have and I firmly believe that every woman looks better with properly applied mascara. Keyword here is properly. Applying too much mascara can quickly go downhill, leaving you with clumpy, “spider” lashes that no one finds attractive. To avoid this look, make sure your technique is good. This means using a zig-zagging motion when applying to ensure that you’re depositing lots of product with every swipe. Going over your lashes 17 times is what creates this lovely clump-tastic look, so reducing your passes to 2 or 3 will significantly help. Lastly, make sure that your mascara isn’t expired! Mascara usually lasts around 6 months, so if yours is older than that, it’s likely dried up and not giving you maximum benefits. Toss it and pick up a new one!

2. Caked-on Foundation

I can’t believe that Adam Lambert is my example of a cake-face! He should have the American Idol makeup artists taking care of this. Just goes to show you that anyone, celeb or not, can fall victim to theses common mistakes. As you can see, Adam has about a gallon of foundation on his face. Instead of covering up imperfections, this exaggerates pores, fine lines, and  blemishes — basically rendering the product useless. I find this mistake happens most often to makeup newbies who believe that more must be better. When it comes to foundation, the opposite is true. You want to use as little foundation as possible, just covering what you need to cover. To solve this problem, start by getting colormatched by a brand expert for your chosen foundation or get samples in a couple shades and test them out under natural light (aka sunshine). Then purchase a proper brush for your foundation’s formula (liquid, powder, etc). Start by applying just a thin layer and examine your face. If you want more coverage, continue with another layer, but make sure that you’re checking your face in natural light every couple layers and making sure there is no caking going on. Again, this technique will take time to master, but it’s worth it!

3. Overplucked eyebrows

Yikes! How scary does that lady look? The rest of her makeup is a-okay, but her eyebrows are totally overplucked and drawn on with a HEAVY hand. Eyebrows are an oft overlooked part of a makeup routine that can dramatically change your face. Think about it: eyebrows help to shape and define your eyes and are smack dab in the middle of your face! I know many people believe that thick brows=manly, but that’s not always the case.  I recommend getting your brows shaped by a professional who you trust. That means, someone who agrees that overplucked is BAD. I’ve seen many professionals who still want to pluck your eyebrows until they are no more, so chat with your waxer/threader ahead of time. After they’re shaped properly for your face, make sure you maintain them with a good pair of tweezers and fill-in any patchy spots with a brow pencil or wax as a part of your daily makeup routine!

Want more in-depth beauty advice? Check out all our great makeup posts for more tips and tricks!

Ahhhhh

Instead of sitting there overanalyzing every single detail of the date and what could have gone wrong (like we all do), I’ll make it simple for you. Here are the mistakes everyone makes on their first date and what you can do to avoid them.

1. Not dressing for the occasion. If you’re going to a baseball game, don’t wear stiletto heels. If you’re going out to eat somewhere nicer than McDonald’s, change out of your sweats. It’s as simple as that. And if you’re Lady Gaga, obviously no rules apply to you.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Make sure you know where you’re going on the date. If it’s a surprise, it’s always better to play it safe and wear something casual. Not too sloppy, not too dressy.

2. Talking about exes. Talking about ex-boyfriends isn’t just annoying on dates— it’s annoying all the time. 3 words: Get. Over. It. And if you can’t, maybe you shouldn’t be dating quite yet. If you do decide it’s time to enter the wonderful world of dating, make sure you keep the conversation far away from ex-land. No guy wants to sit and listen to you whine about how his eyebrows aren’t groomed as well as your ex-boyfriend’s.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Think of good conversation-starters before the date. This way, if there’s an awkward silence, you won’t just bring up whatever pops into your head at the moment, which could very easily be the loser ex-boyfriend who had taken you to the same place in the past.

3. Getting drunk. If you know one glass of wine really gets you feeling loopy, don’t drink three. The last thing a guy wants is you climbing up on the table and giving the whole restaurant a show. Save that for the second date.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Know your limits. Maybe avoid alcohol all together on the first date to make sure you don’t say or do anything you regret. Plus, getting drunk around someone you just met probably isn’t a good idea anyways. You never know about people these days! Craigslist killer, anyone? Thank you Lifetime for officially creeping me out.

4. Being easy. Referring back to the last mistake, don’t give it all up in one night.  Drinking alcohol is no excuse. If you really want things to go somewhere with this guy and want him to get to get to know you as a person and have some respect for you, don’t flaunt your goodies at him just yet. Sure, give him a peek— but just from across the table.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Give him a steamy goodnight kiss but leave it at that. If he really likes you, he’ll be back for more!

5. Not shutting up. Conversations on dates are always great. Conversations where the only person that’s talking is you— not so great. Make sure you’re letting the poor guy get a word in every once in awhile. Ask him some questions and find out his interests. How do you know if you have anything in common if you don’t give him the chance to tell you about himself? For all you know, you’re on a date with a total creep. Once he starts talking and tells you about his fifty pet rats and how he still lives with him Mom, you’ll be glad you shut up a little.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Compliment him on something. If you like his shirt, tell him. It’ll start up a conversation, and hmm, maybe even a shopping date!

6. Being overly flirtatious. Give him a challenge!  Don’t wink every five seconds, grab his butt, or try pulling any of the Lady and the Tramp noodle-slurping mumbo jumbo.  It might freak him out. Okay, it will freak him out.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Give him a sexy smile every once in a while instead. No guy can resist that.

7. Laughing at absolutely everything. C’mon, no one is THAT funny. He may tell a good joke every now and then, but if you’re laughing at every single thing he says he’s probably going to get a little annoyed. If you’re on a date with Andy Samberg, then that’s a different story.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Make HIM laugh! You’ve got jokes, too.

8. Having bad manners. When you’re out to eat there are some crucial things you should keep in mind. Don’t eat food with your hands unless it’s meant to be eaten with your hands. Use a napkin. Don’t spit food into the napkin. Don’t start a burping contest. And definitely keep your mouth closed when you’re chewing. It’s also a good idea to avoid extreme profanity on your first date. If you’re one of those girls that swears at least three times per sentence, try to cool it a bit. Oh, and remember to say “thank you.”

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Go have a talk with Mom before the date. Remember all those times she told you to get your elbows off the table? She knew what she was talkin’ about!

9. Texting. This is also part of having bad manners, but it needs a section just for itself.  Texting on a date = major no-no. There is nothing worse than trying to enjoy a great night out when the person you’re with can’t manage to set their phone down for five seconds. It’s awkward and makes the person feel like their date doesn’t even want to be there. Your girlfriends can wait until after the date to find out how big of a hottie he was.

How to Avoid Making the Mistake: Leave your phone in your purse on silent or vibrate.  If your Justin Bieber ring tone is going off every couple of minutes, there’s really no point in having it put away in the first place.

Keep these nine things in mind and your next first date will surely turn into a second. What dating mistakes have you made? And what have your dates done to drive you absolutely bonkers? Let us know!

So, here’s the ultimate post-grad survival kit (or at least what I’ve figured out over the last six months):

1. Stay Busy – Keep your ass moving at all times. Don’t hang out on the couch day after day, keep busy – whether it’s working a job, interning, or taking pottery classes.  Do anything that will keep you busy. I’ve thrown myself into the LSAT, and trust me, it’s kept me occupied. Who knows how I’ll feel once my LSAT journey is over, but for now … it’s what I do to keep busy. Busy leaves little room to do #2.

2. Don’t reminisce too much – If you do nothing but think about college, you’re going to do nothing but miss college. Avoid this as much as you can. If something comes up in conversation, talk about it, but don’t sit in your room and look at pictures from your sophomore year every night. It’s okay to admit that college was one of the best times of your life, but it’s not okay to let that ‘best time of your life’ define the rest of your life. You should have the attitude that the best is yet to come and college was just a stepping stone. Or yeah, you’ll be depressed like all those articles say.

3. Do something you didn’t do in college – Find a new hobby or something you didn’t participate in throughout college. For example, I have never been a runner. And I wouldn’t call myself a runner even now. But since graduation, I have clocked in many miles on the boardwalk (this is a plus of living in CA) and on the treadmill as I possibly can. My college self wouldn’t have taken the time to just run. Doing something that you aren’t used to doing shows you that more things exist than what you thought about in college. It can be anything:  take up painting, wine tastings, or knitting. Join a gym. Become a mentor. Anything you didn’t do in college.

4. Change it up – Your overall appearance probably didn’t change too much throughout college. Now that you’re a post-grad, you should definitely change something … even if it’s something small. Cut your hair. Paint your nails a color you would never wear in college (I was afraid of black nail polish in college, but now I love it). Change your style. While I don’t think you should abandon yourself from the last four years, a little update won’t hurt. It will make you feel better about yourself and it will signify this new, mature stage in your life.

5. Be serious – While you may have had an attitude that says “I don’t care” in college, it’s time to get serious about your future. You definitely don’t have to have anything figured out, but you should be serious about getting to whatever point you want in your life next. If you don’t know what you want to do (seriously, who truly knows what they want to do?), you should do everything to try to figure it out. Be serious about this. It may have been cool in high school and sometimes in college to be a slacker or to just not care , but you should be able to seriously talk about what you want.

6. Change Your Mind – In college, I had everything planned out and followed a strict routine when it came to everything –  I never changed my mind. However, the most important thing post-grad has taught me is that changing your mind can be a gift. One day, you want to intern somewhere and the next day you don’t. It may not be on the path you wanted, but you figured out why and it’s a big eye-opener. The only way to figure things out is to make mistakes and to change your mind. It sounds like something out of a self-help book, but I seriously think this has been the most beneficial thing overall.

I know I’m not the only post-grad over here at CollegeCandy, so tell me … what are your ultimate survival tips for being a post-grad?

If you’re a recent post-grad, chances are you don’t have anything figured out. Or maybe you have some of it figured out, but when you close your eyes and picture yourself five years down the line, things are somewhat blurry.

This probably gives you heart palpitations. I get it. The future can be scary, especially when you have no idea what it will hold.

But really, so what?

If you’re a recent post-grad, you truly are at an advantage. While it sucks to be so discombobulated during this time, it’s kind of a blessing in disguise. Think about it … you can still attribute your mistakes and mistrials under the files appropriately titled: “Lack of experience” or “Youthful Ignorance.”

OK, so you may feel old (I know I do sometimes, especially when I try to party like my freshman self), but the truth is, you’re not. In today’s society, we constantly hear “30 is the 20!” and that means that 22 is the new 18. And that means you’ve got a little more time to figure things out than you probably think you do. It’s easy to rush into the future trying to plan as much as you can, but really, wouldn’t you rather take a few risks and screw up now before you are in your mid-30s with a mortgage and a couple kids?

Take a moment to forget about the fact that, for the first time in your life, you don’t have everything figured out. Breathe. Now realize that the lack of a plan is actually a beautiful thing. While I’m not saying that post-grads should go around excusing their confusion because of youth (“I don’t need to look for a job, mom. I’m young and confused!”), I am saying that being in our 20s gives us leeway to steer ourselves into wrong directions before figuring out our smooth path to the future.

Do you want to be the 40-year-old that hates her job and always has? Hell no! If there is another path you want to take, don’t just leave it for rainy day daydreams. Go for it. Follow your yellow brick road. There is no reason not to – you’re still young and, in the grand scheme of things, you’ve got nothing to lose!

An editor that I have been working with just turned 30 (Editor’s Note: NOT ME!) and she celebrated by quitting her job – something she has been so amazingly great at, something she has dedicated her post-grad life to. She told me that she realized it wasn’t for her anymore, and she decided to change up the pace. Of course, turning 30 had something to do with this change of scenery, but by recognizing that she still had time to change her mind… it was empowering! Being 30 isn’t going to stop her from doing what she wants so why, as a brand spanking’ new post-grad, do so many people seem so scared to do what they really want to do (as opposed to what they should do)?

We post-grads need to stop freaking out and start relishing in our freedom. Yes, freedom. It may not seem so free when you’re applying to 10 jobs a day from the comfort of your parents’ basement with less than $100 to your name, but this is our time to experiment and mess up and start over without any major repercussions. And that, my fellow post-grads, is incredibly freeing.

I frequently get messages from the class of 2011 future post-grads asking me for advice on how to get through their senior year and transition into their post-grad life. I’m not post-grad expert. This part of my life didn’t come with some sort of manual. But there’s a reason for that. While it’s stressful at times, part of being a post-grad (and finally growing up) is figuring all this stuff out for yourself. Everyone has to do it and once you get passed the whole “wait, what sort of health insurance do I need” thing, it’s actually sorta exciting.

At the end of the day, recent college grads have time. Loads of time. So figure things out, even if it means screwing things up. Save yourself the hassle of looking back with regret 20 years from now, because when you really are old (instead of this pseudo elderly disposition that we play into), it really won’t be as easy to go back and start over.

So, here’s to being young and mistake prone.
And here’s to looking to the future, as always.

Finally, after weeks of late nights, early mornings, and far too many Doritos, I can see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Sure, I’ve got to get through a few more exams, sell my books, pack up my life and make the big trek home, but at least I know the end (and a margarita on the front lawn) is near. And that feels good.

You know what else feels good? Well, besides these delicious t-shirt sheets on an unseasonably cold May morning…. Taking a break from my textbooks and flashcards and thinking about something that won’t be written in a Blue Book in the near future.

So let us get to this week’s Would You Rather….. Think, vote, share. Then return to your regularly scheduled cram sesh.

Would You Rather be able to go back in time and fix a mistake you made and possibly change the course of your life OR get a glimpse of your future but not be able to change anything about it?

Things to Consider: That night you blacked out and did something stupid, that other night you blacked out and did something stupid, the future you that will black out and do something stupid.

Ahh, the blackout. These words have become oh-so-familiar over the past two years I’ve spent at this fine university. Sunday mornings – Gatorade and a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich in hand – I sit in my living room with my roommates, attempting to piece together the events from the night before. Looking through pictures, decoding unintelligible text messages sent to the cute guy from Calculus, my friend apologizing for puking on my shoes or stealing my pizza before I had a chance to get the door.

I can’t be mad at them though, or even blame them. Sometimes the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol takes over and there is no turning back. They are no longer the same person and are going to do things they wouldn’t normally do. Like the infamous girl-on-girl makeout sesh which is now plastered all over Facebook.

But like they taught you in elementary school, it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt. And recently, that person was me.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over two vomit-includingly cute years. We moved in together in August to a new apartment where he makes me dinner after a long night at work, and we’ve even talked marriage.

We were the stereotypical happy couple until about two weeks ago during a blackout sorta night.

All of my friends were finally back in town before this spring (spring? There’s two feet of snow outside) semester started, so naturally we had to celebrate get wasted. After a long night of cheap vodka and too many shots at the bar, we went back to my friend’s apartment for afties. Just another successful night.

That is, until I realized that my boyfriend was missing and I had no idea where he was. I started roaming around the apartment. I looked in the kitchen, then the bathroom. Nothing. Finally, I peeked my head into my friend’s bedroom and there he was. Naked. On top of a girl. Who was also naked.

Naturally, I flipped the eff out. I screamed, I stormed over to the bed and pulled him off of her. I stared at him, anger bubbling up inside of me; his eyes were glazed, he was falling over, and he had no idea where he was. My boyfriend was beyond blacked out.

The rest of the night got a little hazy. I went crazy, taking justice into my own hands. Literally. The next thing I knew, I was handcuffed in the back of a cop car, blowing a .34 BAC (classy, I know) and being charged with domestic assault (apparently some neighbors called the cops to file a noise complaint). Not my finest moment. After I got out and was able to talk to my boyfriend again (sans fists), I demanded answers. But got nothing. He was blacked out the entire time; he didn’t remember being at the bar, going back to the apartment, or even how he ended up with a black eye and a fat lip. (Yeah, I totally JWowwed his ass. I was angry!)

And this fact alone has left me completely torn and unable to eat or sleep. My boyfriend betrayed my trust and really broke my heart. He sent me into a fit of rage I’ve never known before and made a fool out of me.

But can I really blame him for something that happened when he was blackout drunk?
Something that he doesn’t even remember doing?
Can that even be considered cheating?
Do I forgive him?

I honestly don’t know what to think.

The thing about this situation is that everything is not black and white. It would have been so much easier to just dump him and walk away if he was going behind my back on purpose. But he wasn’t. And while nothing technically happened (they didn’t have sex), it scares the shiz out of me to think what would have happened if I hadn’t walked in. It disgusts me to think about my boyfriend being with someone else, or what he was saying to her while they were in bed, or how he ended up there in the first place.

I definitely blame my boyfriend for getting that drunk. Mostly because he always gets that drunk. I blame him for putting himself in that situation and for putting me in that situation. But I still don’t know if I can blame him for what he actually did. I can’t hold him more responsible for his actions than my friend who pukes on my shoes, or the friend who always steals my food when she comes home from the bar drunk. I know neither of them would intentionally hurt me when they’re sober, so is this really different?  I’ve never gotten into a fight with my boyfriend, let alone had to deal with something like this. Until this incident, I never had a reason not to trust him.

Is this a good enough reason?

I understand that to many of you this seems like such a simple answer, but I’m seriously stuck. I love my boyfriend and we have so much history. I honestly don’t know what to do. What do you think? Can blackout mistakes be forgiven?

As much as I would love to silently judge your drunken mistakes, I can’t help but  laugh it off, talk about you to my friends and hope that I just caught you after you had a horrible week (which is slightly understandable, right?) However, in most cases, I caught you in your element, flashing the party your new bedazzled thong while sloppily trying to climb up on the beer pong table to dance.  Ohh, here we go…

There are a few ways that you can tell you’re “that mess” the entire party is talking about (but you can’t hear because you’re busy screaming the lyrics of “If You Seek Amy”).

- Dancing with your arms above your head…to every song…on a table.
- Tossing your cookies on people or just barely before reaching the bathroom.
- Falling down (or even up) the stairs in front of everyone.
- Crying over…literally anything and everything
- “Oh my goddd i lovvee you!”
- Not being afraid to make out with that random guy (or girl) for a few pictures.
- Passing out in random places and finding “please insert here” with an arrow pointing down on your stomach when you wake up.
- Slowly disrobing at a rate of… every five minutes or less.
- Finding yourself hugging the toilet bowl at the end of the night tighter than when you hugged your teddy bear a decade earlier

Well, home girl, don’t sweat your already smeared makeup off, because I’m not criticizing!  This letter is for you drunkies who have taught me many valuable lessons from you’re absolutely annihilated nights.  After much observing of your dazed decisions, I don’t want to say “WTF is wrong with you!?” What I really want to say is Thanks.

Thanks for making me look so much better, mature, put together, and all around sexy while standing next to your drunk ass.

Thanks for being brave enough to steal that 40 oz. from the fridge, and then dumb enough to hand it over to me, FO’ FREE!

Thanks for running down the street screaming with just a tank top and jeans on (in 30 degree weather), allowing the cops to easily spot and tackle you before they get to me.

Thanks for leaving your jacket at the party. I love my new fleece!

Thanks for passing out in the bathroom so I could start flirting with the guy you were falling all over all night.

Thanks for drunkenly opening a tab and offering free drinks to everyone standing around you.

Thanks for giving me and my friends something to laugh at that night, and days later.

But most importantly, Thanks for teaching me how NOT to act at a party.

There is nothing better than a crispy crust smothered in hot, gooey cheese. Add some grilled onions and mushrooms and I am dunzo.

The only thing better than a slice of pizza, actually, is an entire pie a slice of pizza after a night of drinking.

Yes, like unattractive guys and all songs written and produced in the 80’s, my love for pizza grows immensely when alcohol is involved.

It is like I am one of Pavlov’s dogs; the minute I taste beer, I start drooling for a slice of pie.

My cravings only grow more severe as the night progresses. With every downed shot I imagine my date with my precious pizza pie. So, when the opportunity finally presents itself, I go to town without any thought given to potential collateral damage.

Like my tongue, for instance.

Or the roof of my mouth.

What? Like you could wait the 20 minutes it takes to get home, the 10 minutes it takes to decide what delectable toppings/debate the need for a side of cheesy breadsticks, and the 35 minutes to actually get the pizza and NOT dive right in the minute it arrives?

I get so excited I can’t stop myself. Even though I know in the back of my mind that tearing the box open and biting into my first tasty piece is going to leave me with a numb tongue and a pallet that is so swollen I can’t make proper “S” sounds for a week.

Not to mention the fact that I have done so much mouth damage that I can’t even fully enjoy the experience because I can’t taste a damn thing.

None of that matters, though, because the minute that pizza guy steps into my house and the smell of heaven reaches my nose, all thoughts and memories of pain and burnt tongue-age are pushed from my brain. (Sidenote: The thought of paying the pizza guy has also been pushed from my brain on certain occasions, forcing him to knock on the door again and remind me that I owe him money. Unfortunately, at that point the damage to my mouth has already been done. “Thorry, thir.”)

I need help. I need guidance. I need the pizza to arrive at a cooler temperature. Or I need to find something else to do to save me from my self.

Anyone with me?

Somehow, I found the one non-douchey frat boy ever to exist. He was perfect: tall, dark, and beautiful, with a 4.0, perfect teeth, a lot of cute friends, and – the kicker—a self-pact to not drink until he was 21. Which meant there would be no pre-game, just… game. And I had none, because he was that hot.

I’m not entirely sure why he said yes, and I’m not sure why I thought I was even cool enough to ask this guy out, but somehow the transaction occurred and there we were, sitting, soberly, talking for two hours while my friends drunkenly danced and ran around. Ever the gentleman, he took me to pseudo-dinner at 2:30 AM, got his leftovers wrapped and then drove me back to my dorm. And so it was time to say goodnight.

Ever the self-conscious one, I assumed that he wasn’t interested, but had put on a happy face so as not to crush my little freshman dreams. And just as I went to kiss him on the cheek, his mouth landed fully on mine. I was shocked. He hadn’t tried to make a move all night!

So clearly, the normal reaction is to kiss right back and linger a little longer, possibly suggest you get a tour of his house, etc. But no, rather than being caught up in the moment I said, “MUAH.”

Yes. That’s right. Right after he makes his move, the first thing that my body, which must hate me, does, is pucker right back up and say “MUAH.”

SAY. MUAH.

ONTO HIS MOUTH.

To which we both were awkwardly, awkwardly silent for about five seconds until I just got out of the car. With his leftovers that I’d been kindly carrying, without even realizing it until I got in my building.

The happiest day of my college career was when he graduated.

Clearly I’ve learned from this error, but I sincerely hope that you can’t possibly be as dumb as I was. From this point onward, some personal rules I’ve learned to follow:

Even if you’re not confident, fake it. If you’re out with someone, they clearly agreed to be there, and you’re clearly “good enough” for the situation. At least half of the time you’re probably too good. Just like they say in Mean Girls: You’re a regulation hottie. Own it.

If you do have an awkward encounter? Take the high road. Don’t run to avoid people, it’s college and you will definitely run into them again. Just smile, say hi if you blatantly notice each other, and carry on with your evening/life.

Don’t steal leftovers unless it’s something you (or your roommate) like. Otherwise it’s just an unnecessary addition to your already-messy room.

Any other advice on how not to date?