All hail Parents Weekend! At some colleges, parents have already graced your dirty dorms with their angelic presence, while other schools celebrate this unofficial holiday in early and late October. Regardless of whether mom and dad have come and gone or have yet to come, we’ve got all the basics to keep floating well above the water during Parents Weekend!

When I was a freshman, I could not wait to see my parents. It was the first sight of normalcy I’d seen in weeks after living with my super crazy psycho roommate. Seriously guys, don’t screw this up!

First, there are a couple of simple rules to follow when hoping to master Parents Weekend. Since mom and dad are going to spoil you silly with gifts, homemade favorites, dinner at your restaurant of choice (we all know you’re picking the most expensive) and maybe even a mini-shopping spree to get you those must-have dorm and wardrobe necessities, we’ve got a detailed list of a few subtle ways to give back.

1. Do take your parents on a tour of your school. Whether or not it’s walking around your inner campus or actually going through the buildings and pointing out which class takes place where, it’s a no-brainer that parents love this. Show them the places where you grab lunch and/or snacks, what your fitness facility looks like, where you go to enjoy some down time with friends in between classes.

Don’t admit to them how many classes you’ve skipped to get belligerent, or how many times you “accidentally” slept through class, or which classes you already know are going to interfere with Tuesday 2-for-1s and Friday afternoon Happy Hour. While mom and dad might expect you to skip a few classes here and there, make sure you throw in the safety line, “the syllabus says that we can miss up to three classes before we lose any credit.”

2. Do clean up your room and throw out your trash before you parents get to your dorm room. If you’re a real pig, start preparing for parents on a Monday and hopefully by Friday you will be able to find the floor again. Go through your drawers and even if you’re not going to bother to fold your clothes, at least stuff them far enough into each drawer that you can’t tell it’s a war zone inside. Remember that vacuum your mom just had to get you? Here’s some advice: use it. Moms can tell. They can always tell.

Don’t hide your lucky stash of condoms under your pillow. If you’re a procrastinator and wait until Sunday morning at 10am to start going through your mess, you’d be better of shoving those baby protectors into a sock at the bottom of your closet. Here’s the problem with stuffing them under your pillow. Sometimes parents need to sit down and that seat might just be found on your bed. Another reason: if your mom is anything like mine, she will want to make your bed. It’s just a thing moms do. So while mom is busy fluffing and patting down your sheets the last thing she needs to find is a whole bin of Magnums.

3. Do make reservations at a nice, causal restaurant in whatever town or city your school resides. It’s nice to take your parents into the center of your community and show them the fun things they can do while they come to visit, as well as the fun ways you stay busy when you’re not overwhelmed by classes and homework. Choose a restaurant or pub that seems like it will fit your parents’ taste as well as their wallet. You’re not trying to break your parents’ bank on the first night!

Don’t take your parents to your school cafeteria. I always wanted to smack the kids that I saw doing that. While I totally understand living and working on a budget, there are other ways to provide your parents with a good meal that doesn’t involve sitting between animals scarfing down all-you-can-eat burritos. If you’re going on a budget, buy some sandwiches and take your parents on a picnic at a local park, or grab some appetizers to share at a small, inexpensive café downtown. Remember, you have no choice when it comes to eating college cafeteria food, and while you might find it tasty enough to keep down, your parents should not be subjected to that same kind of torture.

4. Do get tickets to a sporting event that is taking place during parents weekend. If there’s not a sporting event happening (like if you go to a school that has no major football or soccer team), research other opportunities for your parents to see all there is to see at your school. Maybe there is a play or a barbeque for your major. Keeping your parents enclosed in your dorm room all afternoon might not be the best idea. For example, I went to college at UVM. While we didn’t have a major sports team (my dad loves football so, no football, no-go!), there were tons of things to do in Burlington to keep them busy: hiking, apple picking, walking along the water, etc…

If you’re taking mom and dad to, say, a football game, don’t bring a water bottle full of your favorite liquor. I don’t know how your parents get down, but chances are it’s not like that. Also, don’t sit them in the same section as the rambunctious lunatics that shotgun a beer every time your team tackles someone. Wait until you’ve securely tucked your parents in for the evening at their hotel room and then go out and play as hard as you want. Be careful how hard you go though, the last thing you want is a buzzing iPhone flashing your mom’s number while your head is submerged in a communal bathroom stall.

5. Do introduce you parents to your roommates and their families and spend some time letting them get to know each other. It’s okay if you find your roommate’s dad’s voice about as stimulating as watching paint dry, just remind yourself that you need to give your parents ample time to figure that out, too. Your parents want to know what type of family your roomie comes from, what her morals and values look like, how she was raised, you know, all that stuff you don’t really care about at 11 in the morning.

Don’t tell everyone in the room who’s listening that embarrassing story where your best friend walked in on your dad using the bathroom, or that time when your mom pressed the gas instead of the break. Big no-nos! While it’s okay to share those stories with your roommates, your parents are going to be merely acquaintances and don’t need to know anything beyond the basics. Since being friendly and not friends is where your parents’ relationships may begin and end, don’t invite everyone to join you guys at dinner. Your parents drove all this way to visit you and spend time with you.

Finally! I get to settle somewhere!

After a week long trip, complete with a surplus of roadkilled armadillos and a 24-hour stomach bug that caused me to projectile vomit on a cactus in New Mexico, I have finally made it to California.

First things, first though. Just because I’m living in “Southern California” doesn’t mean I’m living in Los Angeles (I’m living in Newport Beach). Everyone I have met along the way has not realized this, but this state is gigantic. And just because I’m moving out to California doesn’t mean that I am here to get on The Hills (I’m pretty sure I could take Kristin, though) or find a husband to marry and get on The Real Housewives of Orange County. It’s not just what the media portrays … especially when you’re living with parents.

One of the hardest transitions will definitely be residing with my dad. I haven’t lived with him since the ‘90s, when I was rocking clothes from The Limited Too and speaking in a British accent like my idols, the Spice Girls. In fact, I haven’t even seen my dad that much since my parents divorced and I moved to Georgia. How are you supposed to make up for lost time when more than decade has gone by? My memories with my dad are from my childhood. And now – hello – I’m out of college and on a war path to become a successful force in the world of law. Times have changed.

Even though it’s kind of awkward to get used to living with him, I’m happy for the experience and whatever may come from it. This is my chance to not only prepare for my future and my career, but I get the opportunity to live on the opposite side of the country while getting to know my dad as he is today, and he can get to know me as a 22-year-old woman instead of a ten year old girl. And hopefully, even though both of us are stuck in our ways, we don’t butt heads too much along the way.

But wow, it’s certainly going to be different than the dorm room living and random home stays I have become used to over the last four years. It’s weird having to say “I’m going out, Dad” instead of “I’m going out, Mom” or just walking out of my dorm and doing as I please. After being semi-on-my-own throughout college, living on someone else’s schedule is a little weird. It’s do-able, but there is going to be some major compromises to get used to things.

Since my arrival this past weekend (I really have only been here for about three days), I have been wondering whether or not California will feel like home to me – like it did when I was a kid. I don’t have that answer right now, and that’s okay because I have a lot of stuff to do. I actually need to move in completely, and stop living out of my Vera Bradley duffel bag and my ever growing collection of cardboard boxes. Most importantly, I need to get on the move with my main goal: studying for the evil LSAT and taking the Kaplan Prep Course for the next 14 weeks of my life. Oh, and ideally, I’d like an internship – anywhere. And a job, for the sake of pleasing my dad and paying for my own necessities, such as In-N-Out Burger (yes, this is a necessity) and gym membership (so I can work off the In-N-Out).

I’m motivated, but I have to admit – with the beach less than a mile away, endless bars and restaurants to check out, and every kind of entertainment around the corner from me, it may be hard to focus. But sometimes you have to work hard to play hard, right?

And even though California doesn’t feel like home right now, maybe that won’t be so important in the long run. I’m here to study my ass off for the LSAT, so I can get into a good law school. I’m here to reconnect with my dad, and possibly have a normal relationship with him for the first time in years. And hopefully jump start myself towards the future. The outcomes of those priorities matter more than whether or not California will ever feel like home, and right now, that’s more than okay with me.

Yes, there are many up-sides to this little trip: we get a break from all the homework, we get to eat something other then cafeteria mystery meat for a change, and we get to curl up with Scruffy on the couch for a couple of days.

But with the comfort of being home comes a few downers as well. And I’m not talking about being woken up at 9am on a Saturday or having to empty the dishwasher. It’s those little comments from mom and dad that really get under your skin. And no matter how hard you try to be nice, you just can’t help but snap, say something mean and beeline to the car/airport (clean clothes and leftovers in hand, obvi) as soon as humanly possible.

Here are a few of the worst offenders:

“Honey, your pants look a little tight”
Yes mom, I realize that drinking 5 days out of the week and eating delivery pizza has done a number on my waistline. Am I happy about it? No. Do I know it is there? Yes. Is it helping that you pinch the muffin top and poke the underarm flab? Absolutely not!

“Have you found a nice boy yet?”
If by “nice” you mean “a tall pre-med student who considers hanging out in the library fun,” then no, dad, I have not found your ideal son-in-law quite yet. But I have hooked up with a couple of the guys on the football team who can barely form coherent sentences but have 8-pack stomachs you can bounce a quarter off of, if that counts for anything.

“Are you getting straight A’s?”
Don’t you think if I was acing every test I probably would’ve mentioned it to you in our weekly phone calls? It’s the fact that I am failing Bio miserably and barely ever making it to the 9 a.m. calculus lectures that has kept this topic out of our discussions. Maybe next semester. Keep praying, I know I am.

“We’re not just your ATM, you know.”
Ok, so they’re right about that, but between classes and everything else I’m doing on campus (napping?), I just don’t have the time to call and chat every day. Hell, they should be happy they hear from me at all.

“We saw your pictures on Facebook, you look like you are having…a lot of fun”
Get off Facebook! This is not a tool to stalk your children and befriend your old high school classmates and catch up. This is my website where I stalk my ex boyfriends and post sloppy pictures of myself, neither of which I would like you to monitor.

“Why can’t I see your Facebook pictures anymore?”
I have no idea, mom; Facebook must be crashing. It’s been having a lot of issues you know, giving people viruses and stuff. You should really terminate your account.

“We are still trying to plan that visit”
Oh goody. I can cancel all the party invitations for a 4-day weekend filled with quiet dinners, giving campus tours, and being yelled at for living in a pigsty. Wonderful. I’ll just pray you don’t find the handle of rum under my bed, or the textbooks still in their wrapping in the desk drawer.

What else do your parents pester you with over break that drives you crazy?

It’s Parent Weekend, or your birthday, or just a Thursday night and you’re craving a free meal a la parentals. Either way, your parents are coming to campus and that means one thing and one thing only: it’s time to clean.

It’s not like your place is dirty – at least by your standards – but something about having mom and dad sit on that couch (where your roommate hooked up last night and – oh! – her bra is stuffed between the cushions) is just not right.
You don’t need your parents seeing the cans from last night’s impromptu party, or the empty Doritos bags littering your
bedroom floor.

You run home from class/work and get moving on the deep clean. You start with your bedroom. You fold all of the clothes that have been piled on your floor for three weeks and put them away.  After you make your bed, you decide some vacuuming is in order. Good idea, too, as you find some less than parent-friendly goodies (your bowl or some empty condom wrappers, perhaps?) under the bed. You remove the dirty dishes (AKA the cereal bowl from last week filled with congealed milk) from your desk and replace them with books and binders.

You take a moment to survey the room. It just screams, “I’m studious!”

You light a candle to cover up the smell of dirty sheets and move onto the kitchen. You begin sweating as you quickly clean all the dishes in the sink and stacked on top of the microwave.  Most of them are shot glasses. Once they are all glistening in the drying rack, you make your way around your place picking up bottles and beer cans. You pause at the bookshelves and contemplate removing your collection of Smirnoff bottles that have been on display for months. On the one hand, you don’t need your parents to see how much you and your friends drink/pride yourselves on it, but on the other hand, you’ve been working on that collection forever! You can’t just throw it away now.

You decide to leave the bottles and hope your parents don’t comment on them.

With only 30 minutes until their arrival, you do a quick Swiffer/vacuum job, organize the Us Weekly’s on the coffee table and throw your roommates’ stuff into their rooms. When you are done you take a moment to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Your place is spotless. Like, really spotless. Like, it hasn’t been this clean since the last time the parents were in town.

But, wait! There is one more thing. You run to the kitchen and take an inventory of the photos on the fridge. You yank down the one of you bonging the beer, dressed up as a slutty Nun for Halloween and the one of you using your Psych text book as a flip cup “table.” On second thought, you yank them all down. Your parents don’t need to see that.

As you are putting them into a drawer in the kitchen, there is a knock on the door. Proud of your accomplishments, you open it up and let your parents in.

“This place smells like stale beer,” your mother says, a look of disgust on her face.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. At least she didn’t see what it looked like before…

The only thing harder than saying goodbye to your roommate for the summer is packing up your dorm… and mopping all of the dried beer of the floor.  And scrubbing your desk where pizza sauce has been encrusted for months. And figuring out how to pack it all into your two-door.  Yeah, moving out sucks.  But moving IN with your parents again… well, let’s face it.  It rocks.

Here are my top ten faves about crashing with Mom and Dad for three months.  What are yours?

1.  You can live with your parents without looking like a deadbeat loser.

You have an excuse: You’re still in college and the dorms closed.  If you were 35 and working at the Venus Club and living with the ‘rents… you might belong on Jerry Springer.  But there’s nothing shameful about going back to your teenage years and living under their roof for one more summer.

2.  You’re a legal adult now.

Maybe your parents tried to force some strict rules on you in high school, and you vowed to move out asap.  But now, you’re an adult.  So even if they try to enforce a curfew, you at least have the “I’m a grown up” argument, which can be bolstered with “I just made Dean’s List,” or “In college, you aren’t keeping tabs on me and I made it home alive, didn’t I?” Plus, a lot of parents won’t even pick that fight, because they realize that you are an adult, you are a responsible collegiate, and they don’t want to know what happens on spring break.

3.  Laundry.

I don’t know what’s better, not having to pay for a load of laundry, or having the freedom of throwing your clothes in the dryer in the morning and leaving them there all day long.  Or using the dryer to get out the wrinkles in your cotton v-neck because you don’t feel like ironing.  Or being able to wash ONE shirt on its own because you reeeeally want it to be clean for the bar tomorrow night, but nothing else is dirty.  Idk, all of the above?

4.  You can spread out.

You can walk down a hallway without having to wear shower shoes.  You can watch a movie without worrying that your roommate will be studying.  You can use the downstairs bathroom when you’re downstairs, and the upstairs bathroom when you’re upstairs.  Ah, life’s little pleasures.

5.  Home-cooked meals.

Do I need to explain this?

6.  Home-cooked leftovers.

Plenty of room in the fridge to save tomorrow’s lunch.  Or breakfast.

7.  All of the amenities that are banned from dorm rooms.

Stove, hot plate, caged iguana, you name it.  You don’t have to hide the candles at your parents house to avoid getting fined or written up.

8.  All of your sh*t is already there.

You have to be selective when you move to the dorms, and only bring the stuff you’ll need (or think you’ll need), but everything you left behind when the spring semester started is right there waiting for you.  Go out and enjoy the weather – ride your bike, dust off your Rollerblades, look through your closet and discover all the random fun-yet-unnecessary things you forgot about because they wouldn’t fit in your Yaffa Blocks when you packed up a few months ago.  A personal fave? Discovering that an outfit you didn’t think you’d wear this semester is suddenly “in” again and you don’t have to buy a newer version.

9.  Reunions!

Most likely, you’re not the only one moving home.  Now’s the time to catch up with your high school pals, your former coworkers, and anyone else that you blew off when you were busy studying/partying away at school.  Plus, chances are, your parents already know your old friends, and will be thrilled if you have a few people over for a low-key night in.

10.  Ummm, can you say Rent-Free?

Take the time to save up this summer, because you’re going to have to shell out a few grand for housing next fall – and you might still have to share a room!  When you do move out on your own, that monthly rent check will be the bane of your existence.  Plus, you’ll have to pay for utilities, electricity, heat, water – not to mention hiring repair men whenever things get broken.  Don’t take your dad for granted this summer when he stays on top of replacing the light bulbs, mowing the lawn, and fixing the plumbing.

A few summers ago I shared an apartment with 5 other girls while we all worked on campus giving tours and orientating incoming freshmen.

I didn’t know any of them going into the summer, but by the time August rolled around we were good friends and there was a few things that had slipped into my sub-conscious:

1) Hummus and pita chips is a suitable replacement for any meal.

2) Cockroaches can find their way into your fridge if you don’t clean.

3) If you see a guy who’s totally hot, but old enough to be your dad you can slyly alert your friends to it by saying “Hog!”

What is a H.O.G.? A Hot Old Guy.

Check out the H.O.G. gallery after the jump!

If you can’t bring him home to mom and dad without feeling like you need to craft a well thought out speech regarding age difference then congrats, girl! You’ve snagged yourself a H.O.G.!

Don’t groan…you know you’ve seen a few guys walking down the street where even if you don’t want to get down, you can certainly appreciate the seemingly perfect way he’s aged and matured. Gray hair? No problem! Wrinkles? They add character! Experience? Of course! (and in more ways than one)

So, we’ve put together a list of 10 of the hottest H.O.G.’s and we want to know what you think too! Who did we leave out? Who’s the greatest H.O.G. of all time?

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