If you own jeans like this, burn them. Now.

Dear Mom Version of Me,

As you might remember, back in 2010 Nick Cannon knocked up Mariah “I love butterflies and my cleavage” Carey….with twins. As you’ve probably tried so hard to forget, the musical duo decided to commemorate the occasion with nude pictures. (Check out the full story here...if you dare.) Yeah, sorry for reminding you.

Barely unable to keep down my breakfast after hearing this, I decided that for the sake of my unborn children I should make a list of every awkward and embarrassing idea that might seem rational when I’m a (HOT!) mom, but in reality will scar my child for eternity.

Please read this and be advised. Also, for the love of god, please be married, successful and over 30. Thank you.

1. Elastic waist pants. I understand the allure of pants without zippers; I own leggings for goodness sake. Once you reach mom status, it’s time to embrace a flattering fit with structure, because Tina Fey was serious when she talked about Mom Jeans. They’re really, really bad.

2. Minivans. Please don’t ever, EVER purchase a minivan. Besides the fact that they’re impossible to see over for other drivers, and look like giant marshmallows barreling down the highway, I cannot accept the fact that I will ever need to herd a group of children around in 4-row monstrosity. Let’s keep motherhood real in something easier to park, thank you very much.

3. Refusing to change the radio station when friends are in the car. As weird as it will be for me to accept the label that my beloved Taylor Swift and Pitbull will eventually gain the status as “oldies,” you must force yourself to listen to whatever music your kids will be blasting 24/7.

4. One word: coupons. If you ever lecture my child about the benefits of coupons outweighing the tedious time wasted in cutting those suckers out, you need to be put away. The grocery store is bad enough without making your (gorgeous) children wait by the cart while you argue over a 50 cent coupon for something equally as embarrassing, like Gas-X.

5. Once your child hits the age of 5, it’s time to stop demanding the public hug-and-kiss combo, before dropping them off at school. Because when you’re twelve and it’s still happening with your Mom, it sure as hell won’t be happening with anyone else. Until college. Or graduate school, most likely.

6. No matter how much you want to see what those kids are up to these days (I was young once; I know what goes on down there!), you will not “friend” your kids on Facebook. That is if you haven’t already deleted your account to protect your privacy and maintain any hope of employment.

7. Lunchbox notes also won’t make the cut. Okay, maybe once a month because they are super fun and a nice surprise, but really, you don’t want your child to be a social outcast just so you can remind them to “shine like the stars” at school every day.

8. You will vow to follow the advice of Stacy and Clinton, and put your mini-skirts and halter tops away after you join the ranks of motherhood. Equally embarrassing, or more so, than a frumpy mom is a MILF. It’s hard enough to get the attention of your teenage crush; you don’t need to distract him with his hot mom fantasies.

9. Crazy names are fine for celebrity children. They’ve got that whole ‘being set for life’ thing that comes with having a multimillionaire parent; your children will not have that. (Which reminds me – you are NOT Celine Dion. Get over it already.) You will not name your child after a fruit, vegetable, ancient Roman conqueror or pick two random words from the dictionary (Subjucate Table) and think you’ve done a good job.

10. Never will you ever take nude photos. I’ve come to accept that I will never resemble Heidi Klum or Demi Moore, the only ladies who can ever pull that move off. I can barely keep the lights on when it’s time to get down to business, so why would you, my future self, ever want anyone to see you naked ass once you’ve gained baby weight? Any Disney star will tell you, pictures are permanent.

Now hang this up on the fridge with that Corona magnet you nabbed on SB11 (ah, the glory days) so you don’t forget.

See you in at least ten years. Actually, make it fifteen.

XOXO,
College Alyssa

P.S. Is Rebecca Black still popular?

A few months ago, we questioned the sanity of the designers behind American Apparel. Walking into one of their stores is like walking into the brain of someone with multiple personalities: to the left, the perfect hoodie. To the right, a shiny, gold body suit. Wha???

Some might argue American Apparel is a store for everyone (well, everyone but plus size shoppers), but now that rumors are circulating that AA is on it’s way to bankruptcy (holy hell, what are hipsters going to do?!), we’re beginning to think it’s actually a store for no one. At least no one sane.

When it comes down to it, we’re not surprised by this news. Between their pornographic ads, their super shady CEO and well, the crazy sh*t they’re hawking, we’re shocked this hipster haven lasted this long. I mean, really, who’s buying this stuff:

$33 for camel toe wrapped in a bow? I’ll pass.

I guess these pants would come in handy for my slutty Princess Jasmin costume for Halloween next year, but besides that, I’m pretty sure these M.C. Hammer pants aren’t flying off the shelves.

It’s hard to sell a gold lame bodysuit when even the super-skinny model favored by American Apparel’s chief skeez-ball, Dov Charney, looks like a shiny sausage in it. Unzip that thing and who knows what’s going to spill out?

Let’s play a game. It’s called “Think of an event this nipple-baring shirt would be appropriate for.”

It’s bad enough that this exists (without the convenient butt-flap, I might add!), but it’s only worse that American Apparel attempted to turn it into something sexy. There’s nothing sexy about one-piece flannel PJs. Nothing at all.

I’m sorry, how does one (who doesn’t want to expose her nips) incorporate this mesh body suit into an ensemble?

Ah, the ever-coveted polyester, high-waisted, pleated pant with complimentary mom-butt. Every woman’s dream.

Nipple chafing aside, raise your hand if you’d want your guy in a mesh tank.

While I’m not a fan of shiny leggings, there are some girls who can make them work, usually with the help of a butt-covering top. But high-waisted shiny leggings? I predict about .05% of the population in this country can pull these off (that is, of course, assuming they can pull them on).

"I don't know her. Seriously, I don't know this woman."

While waiting at JFK for my ride not too long ago, I was passing the time by sipping on some much needed coffee and people watching. Airports, with their mix of cultures and characters, are the best places to people watch.

All was going well until…out of nowhere…I saw it: a fanny pack.

I fought hard to keep that mini bag of in-flight pretzels down as I watched the dreadful fanny pack pass by. I just couldn’t understand it; fanny packs have been publicly bashed since the early ’90s, why do people insist on wearing them?

But fanny packs aren’t alone. There are so many fashion choices that people make that leave me wondering, WTF?! Sure, these things were cool 6 seasons ago, but time is a-passing, honey. Come join me in 2009.

Fanny Packs

I get that they’re useful, but a purse is just as effective. Fanny packs have been ripped on since as long as I can remember, so why are they still being produced? Those people should be fined for distributing such fashion atrocities.

Reverse-fit Mom Jeans

What’s worse than a fanny pack? A fanny pack over reverse -fit Mom jeans. I know you know exactly what I’m talking about: wide on the top, tapered on the bottom, reminiscent of Hammer Pants. They were a mom’s answer to jeans back in the early 90s, but fashion has evolved since then. There are no excuses. None.

Scrunchies

Scrunchies are OK for one thing and one thing only: washing your face. Yet even after Carrie Bradshaw announced the nation’s disdain for scrunchies to anyone with HBO, people are still wearing these things out of the house. Are you people gluttons for punishment!?

Popped Collars

Popped collars were all the rage in 2005, meant to signify some sort of “I’m the sh*t” attitude. But it’s 2009 now, people, and everyone knows the only thing a popped collar signifies is a major douche bag. Yet the douche bags of the world are still starching and layering those things. When will they learn?

The Rocket Dog Wedge Flip Flop

The women still rocking these beasts 1) are fashion morons or, 2) love when their legs look totally stumpy. Either way, these things should be burned.

The Mullet

Business in the front, party in the back. Great concept, horrible style. Much like the fanny pack, the mullet has undergone much controversy and bashing, yet there are those who still insist on rocking this party-gone-awry. If you want to look like a carnie, fine. There is clearly nothing we can do as a people to eradicate the mullet from our lives.

Can you think of any others?

I am a chronic list-maker, whether I have to make a difficult decision or not.  Lists help me organize my thoughts and remember important facts and details that I need for later.  However, there are some things that I would rather forget and that’s what this week’s showdown concerns.

Those of us who have little sisters know how annoying they can be (haha, love you Chloe!).  Those of us who are humans who participate in society know how annoying famous little sisters can be.  The most annoying of these are probably Ashlee Simpson (okay, the older sister is just as annoying…if not more so) and Jamie Lynn Spears (well…ditto).  But which one is more of a fame whore?  Which one can even be called a valid human being (j/k…sort of)?

Babies
Ashlee Simpson had a baby (with a really weird name). Ashlee Simpson is a baby.  I feel like if you and your husband both wear skinny jeans and excessively gel/dye your hair, you shouldn’t be having children.  Maybe she should be taking some cues from her sister and get some mom jeans up in there.

Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby.  Wait, she’s legal? Oh…nope!  Anyway, good job on her to take the heat off her crazy-ass big sister by ‘causing a ruckus and getting knocked up all southern style.  That’s dedication.  That’s love.

Point: Ashlee Simpson.  I’m not even sure she remembers she has a baby after all the time she’s been spending screaming at people in clubs and making crappy albums. Also, was anyone talking about her post reconstructive surgery and pre baby? Nope! Nice publicity stunt, Ash!

“Fame”
Ashlee Simpson sang some songs…wait, or did she act in something?  What does she do again?  I forget.  Generally that’s not a good thing if you’re famous and people don’t remember what you’re famous for except for your ability to lip sync, get booed off stages and get nose/chin/total makeover jobs.

Jamie Lynn Spears…does…nothing?  Like, seriously.  What does she do?  I think maybe she sings stuff…and has a Disney TV show.  But who doesn’t these days?

Point: Jamie Lynn Spears. She literally does nothing and all her fame is due to her crazy big sister and her own pregnancy “scandal.”

Family
Ashlee Simpson has a crazy, controlling dad and a seriously misguided older sister (I swear, the buffalo wings thing…).  Ashlee could probably take the prize of being the most well-adjusted and “normal” in that family, considering what she had to deal with while growing up. Although, that might not be saying much…

Jamie Lynn Spears has a crazy older sister (really, really crazy) and a fame-hungry mother.  Considering the level of craziness that Britney Spears operates on, Jamie Lynn seems to have missed that genetic bullet.

Point: Ashlee Simpson. Her sister must have rubbed some of that brainless, fake-talent stuff on to her.

Talent/Career
Ashlee Simpson can’t sing (we all know that) and she can’t act, but apparently she can dance.  She was even admitted into the School of American Ballet.  Too bad she seems to be focusing on the “talents” that she doesn’t actually have, as compared to what she can do relatively well.

Jamie Lynn Spears can act (I guess) on a level that is acceptable for those who perform for the mindless preteens who watch the Disney Channel.  That’s about it.  Oh wait, her reproductive organs seem to be pretty talented…

Point: Jamie Lynn Spears. As much as I hate to admit it, Ashlee Simpson actually had talent at one point. Jamie Lynn Spears just doesn’t.

Celebretard Prize Goes To: Ashlee Simpson. Lack of any remaining talent + big ego + retarded name for baby (Bronx Mowgli??) + 500 other stupid things = Celebretard.  Sorry  Jamie Lynn, you need to be at least half a celebrity to get this prize.

Are you kidding me? Like, seriously; are you freaking kidding me?

You’re calling Jessica Simpson fat? FAT?! Maybe she put on a few pounds this winter (just like the rest of the population), or maybe she is the victim of a terrible, TERRIBLE, wardrobe malfunction (hello, mom jeans), but the girl is by no means fat.

I won’t even comment on how ridiculous our society is that this is one of the top headlines today. (Ok, yes I will. There are much bigger things happening in this world right now – things that matter – and all I can find online is a picture after picture of Jessica Simpson’s “severe weight gain”?) And who are we that we have the right to call anyone fat? Unless you have a medical degree or some kind of nutrition background, SHUT UP; it’s not your place to comment.

These days it is so easy to bring someone down thanks to the privacy we have behind our computer screens, but that doesn’t mean we should. Especially when the entire purpose of the comments people make is to be mean and hurtful. These comments are not concerned about her health – and she sure doesn’t seem to be at risk for obesity – so why are we even commenting on her figure at all? Does it feel good to see someone else with flaws? Does it make us feel better to be catty, mean bitches?

If anything I think it makes us look even more insecure about our bodies and ourselves.

One Daily News commenter writes, “[She is] well on her way to a massive FUPA, she is losing the only commodity she has, t & a.” So Jessica Simpson is only good for T&A, huh? You may not find her to be the most talented, or talented at all, but she must be doing something right to have had such a lucrative career in music and Hollywood.

I’m going to be honest – to break a woman’s entire persona down into only her body is disgusting and demeaning and I’m sick of it. When we live in a society where 80% of thirteen-year-olds have attempted to lose weight and 8 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder I think it’s about time we start looking at what we’re saying. I don’t want to go all Chris Crocker via “Leave Britney Alone,” but how about we leave body images alone?

All you have to do is click on the goods and - boom - you can buy the entire ensemble. Yes, we know; there is a spot for her in heaven.]

Lately, Katie holmes style has been reminding me of a mixture between my brothers and my mom…circa 1992. Baggie Jeans, a mom haircut – I’m sort of on the fence about it all. And by on the fence, I obviously mean never buying into the trend. Ever.

But, every now and again, I find myself loving a piece of hers, writing it off as “in my dreams,” or “when I win the lottery.” Between her paychecks from Dawson’s Creek syndication and her husband being – um – Tom Cruise, the girl has a budget of Loubitons and lavish meals, whereas I am stuck with Target finds and Ramen Noodles.

That is, until People.com revealed this jacket is only $75.00. Yes, you read that right. SEVENTY FIVE! This little slice of info made my weekly Celebrity Chic on the Cheap more like Celebrity’s Cheap and Chic finds, giving yours truly some extra time to sleep in this Thanksgiving Weekend.

So I bring you this weeks’ Celebrity Chic on the Cheap: Katie Holmes’ Mom Haircut leads her to Mom Website, Leads her to Fabulous Find.

Jacket:

First of all, I never thought of New York and Company as a place where CollegeCandy readers would shop — I always left it for the mom haircuts of the world. But thankfully, K Holmes scoured it for us and found us a winning piece. And after looking around the site, there really are some great clothes on there!

Throw this on over jeans and vintage tee, over a black dress for an interview, over your decolletage baring top (yes I just said decolletage) for the weekend. And bonus: it’s on sale for $37.47 right now! Happy Holidays to us!

Jeans:

I’m sure you all have a pair of medium wash jeans, but if you need a great pair to tuck into boots, try these. They are $12.50 (have you ever gotten something so cheap?!) so if they shrink, rip, or stretch 12 sizes, remember: they cost less than your drink.

Black boots:

A fall essential, especially if you live in the snowier regions. Look more pulled together for class AND your socks stay dry? Sign me up.

Black Tote:

Anya Hindmarch for Target = totally affordable handbag that doesn’t look totally afforadable. And also happens to look totally cute.

Black sunglasses:

Any pair will do, but this round style is fresh, new and flattering on everyone.

Understand the economy with Chris Farley movies

At last, something to do with your ex’s testicles once you cut them off

Celeb camel toe AND mom jeans alert

Disney on Depressants

Howard Stern ties the knot, Mr. Kelly Ripa officiates, celebrities now control the universe

Britney channels the other Madonna

Diddy is afraid of Palin

It’s official, Kate Moss has a golden vajayjay

The sham is almost over…

Dita Von Always Looks Awesome

St. Tyra declaws a catfight

Holly finally realized Hef is old

If you disagree with me, all I’m going to say is…..if you could bag Ashton Kutcher would you??? RIGHT. So don’t argue with me, we all would. Demi could teach us a lesson or two, or eight.

Us twenty somethings DIDN’T “bag” Kutcher, a cougar did, since cougars have tricks we should add to the “bag” in order to…. “bag.” (Insert cheesy joke here, I couldn’t help myself.)

Obviously, we’ll never be able to compete with time, since, that’s science and time is an uncontrollable factor. However, if we are SMART, we’ll take some of the vampy COUGAR tricks in order to ooze absolute sex appeal, without having to wear “Mom jeans” (if you don’t know “Mom jeans”, look at your mothers flat, heart shaped ass and tell me how much that ISN’T cougar material.)

If we are smart, we already have a step up, since hey, we don’t have to worry about age defying wrinkle cream, menopause, gray hairs…and shit (the “and shit” was added for my immature emphasis.)

So what is a “Cougar” anyway, you ask??

A Cougar: A babe beyond 40. Sex drive on HIGH. Heels, on HIGH. Hair, on HIGH, with the assistance of Aqua Net, and BOOBS, up HIGH.

But most importantly…CONFIDENCE at a soaring dangerous level of: HIGH.

Who was the first Cougar? Well, for our generation, maybe “Stiflers mom” on American Pie. She had her eye on the prize, she trusted in her ability to follow through with her “mission” and she BELIEVED and ACTED “AS IF”, she were a goddess. Can you imagine if women our age had that approach?

Lord knows, I wouldn’t be alone tonight.

Men want to date Cougars (Dateacougar.com) because they’re tired of our RIDICULOUS insecurites. Yes, some of us have stretch marks, some of us have bellies, or big nipples, BUT damnit, do you think a Cougar gives A DAMN about that? NO. She thinks, so what? I’ve seen the world, I’ve dated numerous men, I’ve climbed mountains….I’m incredible.

If Twenty Something women could have that kind of confidence, it wouldn’t matter if we had a mad case of acne and snorted every time we laughed. Confidence can MASK all of your “imperfections” if we present ourselves with the belief that we are, perfection.

As Cougars do.

So what is the appeal you ask? Well, I don’t know….would you rather date a man who whines about his future and his boss all the time, or would you rather date a man who makes you feel like he has it, “all taken care of.” Since, obviously he’s a stud. I’d go with the latter.

Age does have the benefit of securing your belief in SELF. Cougars may not look as hot, but they wear their stories, their history, their years…..and they mold it all into this sexual energy of self assured beauty.

So yeah, would I like to be a Michelle Pheiffer-esque babe? Would I like to take tips from Diane Lane? HELLO? Of course.

The first step: Walking out of the door with a head held high, and confidence that isn’t afraid to slip my phone number across the table to a babe at the bar.

Thank YOU Cougars, for reminding us that we can be babes at any age.