Proposition 8 was overturned, and now we have to see that lesbian comedienne Ellen Degeneres as the new face of JCPenney? Where on EARTH will I shop now? Ladies, we’ve got to do something about this. Let’s protest that crazy talk show host so that her homosexuality doesn’t taint all our kids’ back-to-school clothes and our Christmas shopping.

Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating the thought process of a member of One Million Moms, a conservative group that’s got their high-leg briefs in a twisted bunch because out and proud Ellen Degeneres is the new JCPenney spokesperson. The group issued a statement following the company’s announcement:

“Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families. More sales will be lost than gained unless they replace their spokesperson quickly. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war then their brand transformation will be unsuccessful…By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JCPenney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years.”

Fox News contributor Sandy Rios, who supports the One Million Moms perspective, summed up this week’s Hot Button Issue while on The O’Reilly Factor: ”The problem is that Ellen DeGeneres has chosen to act out her lesbian lifestyle and marry her partner, it’s what that represents,” she said. “And the fact that JCPenney is supposed to be middle America, the place where families shop…and people who believe that marriage is between a man and woman and children should not be exposed and propagandized in homosexuality have a moral problem with that.”

Well I’m sorry, Sandy, and the members of One Million Moms, but America—the land of opportunity, the land of the free and the home of the brave—is changing. And for the better. Thank goodness it’s been allowed to change, or else women would never be able to proudly make a buck in any workplace and we’d still stupidly have slaves everywhere who each only count as three-fifths of a person. Though the country has managed to acknowledge the basic human right of being considered an entire person to these minority groups, why can’t such a given be also applied to those who aren’t perfectly heterosexual? Those who choose to be both free AND brave?

If you’re protesting Ellen’s employment with JCPenney, you’re asking that the company discriminates based on her sexual orientation. Hm, discrimination definitely sounds like one of “the negative influences our children are forced to contend with”—you know, the part of society’s “filth” that you should be working to fight, rather than avoiding the hilarious and kindhearted Ellen Degeneres and every product she’s ever endorsed. I’m guessing you’re missing out on the greatness that is CoverGirl LashBlast Mascara and the daily dose of awesome on The Ellen Degeneres Show. Oh man, your kids must have never even seen the movie Finding Nemo! Do you tell them that they can’t go on the Submarine Voyage ride at Disneyland because that funny blue fish is the voice of an evil lesbian?!

Oh, and by pushing Ellen down and calling her names, you’re being a bully. That’s right, One Million Moms, all 40,000 of you are guilty of anti-gay bullying.

Thankfully, the group’s protests and cries were no matter for the department store, as the company stood behind their decision. And yesterday, the free and brave Ellen Degeneres addressed her haters and, therefore, her motivators, on her talk show. ”I’m proud and happy to say that JCPenney stuck by their decision to make me their spokesperson. Which is great news for me because I also need some new crew socks.”

On a more serious notes, she continued, “I really want to thank everyone who is supporting me…Here are the values I stand for. I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you’d want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. That’s what I stand for.“

To be honest, I’m surprised that One Million Moms even had the time to jumpstart a JCPenney protest. The group has also requested action against Macy’s, ABC’s Modern Family and Mattel. Don’t shop at Target for promoting the destructive program that is Degrassi, don’t watch Dancing With The Stars because the show “aired a definition of ‘transgender’” and don’t support Ben & Jerry’s because of their “tasteless” ice cream flavor names. Thank goodness—that means there’s more Schweddy Balls for me!

Watch Ellen’s full speech now. It’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, it’s all things Ellen Degeneres.

Should JCPenney be concerned about losing conservative customers? Or will they gain more respect for taking a stand?

Ashley is a UC San Diego grad who is holding on way too tightly to a potential career in magazines and goes to Vegas all too often. She’s fascinated with celebrities and strawberry beer and doubles as a pathological texter/emailer/blogger. Feed the addiction with tweets @cashleelee. Thanks in advance.

Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I can’t believe I’m actually writing this but–I’m having an affair with my mom’s boyfriend.

I know. It’s terrible. But it’s complicated.

My mom was never much of a mom to me. Me and my sister lived with her and her husband growing up and she never really cared about us. She always did things with him and left us home alone. I’m older so I always took care of my sister but I was a kid too and I definitely made some mistakes. Me and my sister are really close but she moved out as soon ad she could drop out of high school.

I still live with my mom because I’m trying to go to school and make something of myself. My mom’s husband left like two years ago. Shes been dating this new guy for about a year.

I don’t know why I did it but I hooked up with her boyfriend two months ago after I had a fight with my mom. But we kept hooking up and now I think I’m falling in love with him. He always tells me he’d leave her for me. But I’m scared of hurting my mom. I’m also scared because when she finds out she’s definitely going to kick me out and I still have two years of college left.

What should I do?
Not Sure

Dear Not Sure,

Hoooooo boy.

Well, obviously you’re in the wrong here. You know it. So I’m not gonna chew you out for flooping your mom’s bf.

Here’s what you’re gonna do: STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM. Stop hooking up. Break it off completely.

I actually think it’s better that you don’t tell your mom. I mean, it’s already done. Telling her is just going to hurt her, even if it makes you feel better. I don’t think you get to pass it off. You’re gonna have to live with this shoop.

I also think you need to find a way to move out. This is CLEARLY a bad environment for you. You are harboring a LOT of resentment towards your mom and it’s making you act badly.

Get a part-time job, talk to your college counselor and at the very least start putting together a plan to leave.

I know your mother did you wrong, but the answer is not to do wrong back. You’ve gotta learn to accept your mother as a person. She may have been a lousy mother, but now you’re going to rise above that and become a good, strong, kind adult.

My real worry is for your mother’s safety. If her bf is cheating with you, he might be cheating with others. I really really hope they’re using condoms.

And you need to take a serious look at how you’re living your life and what made you do what you did. I seriously doubt you’re genuinely falling in love with this guy–I think you’re just angry at your mother–but if you are, get out NOW before your feelings turn more serious. He is not yours to keep. He’s not yours at all. You’ve already started down this bad road; now it’s time for a detour.

Take your bad experiences and let them transform you into a better person. Don’t let them make you into this.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Okay, kiddos. Today we have a very special issue of Ask Tuffy Luv. Today we’re gonna–gasp–learn from our mothers. (Even though, yes, they annoy us sometimes. OK, a lot.)

I know that seems odd. But, readerinos, Aunt Tuffy gets ever so many letters from all of y’all about things I KNOW your momma taught you. So, in one fell swoop, Tuffy gonna answer the basic kinds questions she gets week after week, just by telling you what your mother already knows.

(1) Be Faithful.

Momma sez: You’re probably going to want to have a serious partner someday. Don’t blow it now by blowing through tons of guys (or girls) and burning bridges. You’re gonna form bad habits and you’re gonna get a bad reputation. So don’t cheat. It’s nature’s bad karma, donchaknow?

(2) Use Protection.

Giiiiiirl, don’t be bringing no grandbaby round! Okay, fine, bring the grandbaby. Momma will looooove that grandbaby. But, precious, I just want you to be the best you that you can be. You need time to grow and to be in a good place and in a good relationship. Besides, you don’t want any of those nasty STDs, right?! Momma knows you don’t.

(3) Long Distance is Hard. But So Is Any Relationship.

Sweetheart. You’ve got to follow that sweet heart of yours. Long distance relationships are very difficult, so if you have your doubts, don’t waste your time and energy. But if you think in your heart of hearts that he (or she) really might be The One, you’ve got to give it a shot. Trust yourself. And if it doesn’t work out, don’t punish yourself–learn from your mistakes and live your life the best you can.

(4) Do Unto Others.

Be a good friend. If your girlfriend is interested in someone, don’t hook up with him (/her). Don’t flirt. Don’t do anything that’s going to hurt your friend. And if a friend hurts you? I’ll kill ‘er. No, but really. Don’t hurt your friends, and don’t hurt anyone. If someone hurts you, tell them and then move on.

(5) Get Your Priorities Straight.

Do well in school. Work hard. Choose how you want to live your life, and live it that way to the fullest. You’ve got to pursue your goals, because, honey, your goals ain’t never gonna pursue you. Sit down, figure out what’s important to you, and do it the very best you can. And I just know you’ll do it.

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day, Moms! We love you so much.

Besides, we wouldn’t be here without you.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Here are ten things you are definitely never too old for:

1. Glitter: Although you got away with wearing glittery lip gloss and questionable glittery eye shadows as a preteen, it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a little glitz and glam now. Seriously, if Lady Gaga and Katy Perry can rock glitter on a daily basis, so can you. Not sure how to pull off glitter without looking like a five-year-old that got a little too crazy at the arts and crafts table? Add a glittery top coat to your nail polish or go for a subtle glitzy shimmer in your eyeshadow. Want to be a little over the top? Go for the gold in a metallic glittery shirt. Worst case scenario is that you look like a Claire’s employee. Best case: you look hot.

2. Pigtails: Preschoolers aren’t the only ones that can rock this look. While you probably don’t want to be known as “pigtail girl” around campus, going out with pigtails could be a fun and flirty alternative to your everyday hair. You probably had your pig tails pulled up high, so for a more-adult approach to this look that you’re never too old for — sport them lower. Also, pigtails work incredibly well when you’re working out.

3. Licking the bowl of batter: You know you did it when you were younger. Your mom baked a cake and you couldn’t keep your little hands out of the chocolately goodness. Go ahead — dip your finger in the mix. Or, just dig in with a spoon. Or don’t even cook the batter and just go after the cookie dough. You’re definitely not too old to enjoy any kind of sweets — baked or not. Go ahead, no one’s looking!

4. Sleeping With A Stuffed Animal: Just because you’re in college doesn’t mean you have to leave your favorite stuffed animal at home, you know the one that you have been sleeping with since you were two years old. While you probably shouldn’t bring your Beanie Baby collection and your CareBear stuffed animal set along with you, you don’t have to give up your best bed buddy entirely now that you’re 21. However, we do recommend you refrain from setting up your Polly Pockets on your dorm desk.

5. Reading Books For Girls: Who says that just because you’re an English major writing a thesis about Shakespeare’s heroines that you can’t appreciate your favorite book as a fourteen year old? Even though you aren’t writing essays about the importance of Harriet the Spy, it doesn’t mean you can’t go back to those old books you loved. Now that you’re older, maybe you’ll get something entire different out of them. Also, just because you never got the chance to read that Judy Blume novel you wanted to read, you don’t have to give up hope. Read it! No one will judge you reading a book for a high school girl. You can still feel young at heart with each turn of the page.

6. Disney Movies: Every group of girls should at least have a Disney night throughout their college career. Remember how you loved The Little Mermaid so much? Watch it. You don’t always have to watch rated-R movies and crappy comedies about bromances. For so many kids, Disney was a main staple, so chances are that you and your friends will all have your own opinions about the best movies and the best Disney princesses.

7. Calling Your Parents: So you had a bad day in class — call your mom and cry about it. Although you may feel silly calling your mom to cry when you’re away at college, it’s not silly at all. You used to do it all the time, back in the days of glittery lip gloss and tutus. Not only will you feel better to be consoled by your mom or dad, you will make your parents feel like you still need them. In fact, call your parents frequently. I’m not talking about every day, but check in and say hi. Just because you’re out of the house doesn’t mean you can’t count on them. However, I think it’s safe to say that the one time you shouldn’t call your parents is when you’re drunk…all you need is one slurred word and they’ll have campus safety on the lookout for you.

8. Top 40 Hits: Just because it’s 2010 and the Backstreet Boys haven’t had a major hit in a few years doesn’t mean you can’t rock your body and sing along to “I Want It That Way.” In fact, you’re never too old for top 40 hits from back in the day. Remember when Britney was a school girl with pigtails? If not, you should re-vist this because no matter how grown up you are, pop music can still make you feel whatever age you were when it was a hit. Instant nostalgia anytime, courtesy of iTunes and the radio!

9.  Old TV Shows: You are never too old to go back and re-watch TV series’ such as Boy Meets World, The Adventures of Pete and Pete, and Clarissa Explains It All. In fact, you’re never too old to indulge in the drama of your favorite coming-of-age WB (remember when it was called the WB?) shows such as Dawson’s Creek, Felicity, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. While these shows might be a blast from the past, it doesn’t mean you can’t watch them with as much glee as you once did.

10. Saying “When I Grow Up”: Just because you’re “grown up” now doesn’t mean you can’t think of the future and what you want it to bring you. With the same vigor that you possessed when you were dying for your mom to paint your nails, get excited about the future and when you “grow up.” Don’t be scared to say things like “I’ll get botox when I grow up” and “I can’t wait to grow up and not drink boxed wine.”

Question for Tuffy Luv? Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m quite upset that I have to write to you again, but you gave such great advice last time that I would love hear from you again. I’m the short-skirted floozy who wrote to you about a month ago, and unfortunately, the situation has NOT improved. I’ve been following your advice – I wear my conservative clothes to her house, and even wear bike shorts under my dresses and skirts. I attend all the family functions to which I’m invited and spend quality time with the whole family when I’m at his house instead of hiding out in his room. We even made them dinner and dessert one night!

Recently, the boyfriend and I went on several weekend trips, which, given that he’s 19, shouldn’t be a huge deal. Momma wasn’t pleased with the idea, but she eventually gave in and let it go. We figured that maybe she was finally realizing that he’s growing up and away, like all children are supposed to. However, with back-to-school looming, the leash is getting shorter and shorter.

It all started the other night: His whole family was at a family friend’s house. Momma got a little tipsy and started spouting off about “bitches who steal sons away from their parents and never let them talk to them again.” She said she wished she had a daughter (she has two sons, BF is the older) because “a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he chooses a wife” and how “girlfriends never realize that it’s the mother who raised them and she just gets to reap the benefits.” This was all in front of me; I was sitting right next to her at the table. It all seemed quite pointed, given that I’m BF’s first girlfriend and his younger brother has yet to have one.

Just today, Boyfriend let her know that he was going to the mall with me to pick out some new clothes for school. She began to make an issue out of how the clothes we buy together never seem to fit him. The only clothes we have ever bought together are a pair of nice khaki Dockers that are, as far as I can tell, the best fitting pants he has. Then she went on about how I spend money carelessly and make him spend more that he should. His father asked him why he couldn’t just go shopping with his mother, and he responded by asking why he couldn’t just go with me. His dad said “Because your mother is paying” and BF responded “Well, then I can just pay.” He told them we had dinner plans and he had to leave. When we got back tonight, he told her he didn’t buy anything, just tried things on, because we could get better discounts online. She asked where he was buying from, and he told her American Eagle. She’s strictly a Kohl’s/Walmart person. She rolled her eyes and said something about how it was too expensive, especially with shipping. I let her know that they had a  promotion where if you spent $75+ you got free shipping, that the clothes were buy 1 get 1 half off, and we had a 20% off coupon on top of it. She just responded “And what can you get for $75 from there? Jean and a T-shirt? I want to see these clothes before you order them.” (Yes, really.)

Honestly, in the past few weeks she’s gotten even more overbearing and possessive, referring to him as “my son” constantly. We head back to college on Friday, and I’m counting the minutes. I just don’t know what to do about her anymore? He’s going to be 20 in a month, and she’s only pushing him away and making his frustrated with all the babying she’s doing. Is there any way I can tell her that she’s pushing him away without risking even more of her ire?

XOXO,
Son Thief

Dear Son Thief (aka Short Skirted Floozy),

Teehee. Flattery will get you everywhere.

But before I address your question, I’mma say two quick things to all you readas out there:

(1) A lot of you send me questions and then say “please don’t post this” or “please respond to me on email.” I don’t do that. I either answer your question in this column or not at all. Sorry.

(2) I LOVE hearing from you kidsos a second time!!! I’m psyched to hear from Shirt Skirted Floozy again. Aunt Tuffy gets such a lil’ ol’ kick out of hearing the follow-up. So write a second time! I velcome it!

Okay, now onto your question, Son Thief.

This woman is OUT. OF. CONTROL. She is completely possessive and demented. It’s getting to be like a TV drama. She has got to calm down.

Tuffy’s guess is that, frankly, she just doesn’t like you and she’s never going to. Sorry. This is not a reflection on you AT ALL–try to remember that! She just cannot let go of her son. It’s like some crazypsychosexual thing. It’s like a Tennessee Williams play up in here.

And look. Loop knows I love a good American Family Drama. But this shoop?! Not okay.

You’re going back to college with him soon, yes? He won’t be living in his mother’s house? GREAT. I change my advice from before. Being more conservative obviously will not work with this woman. I still say that you should NEVER say anything bad to him about his mother.

But now I also say:

AVOID AVOID AVOID

Keep the SHOOP outta her way. She is NOT good to mess with. While you’re in college, forget about her. And when summer comes, plan to stay as far away from her as possible. Don’t hang out at her house. Don’t go on family dinners. And when your presence is absolutely necessary (say, a holiday or birthday party or something like that), just continue to be sweet as punch to her.

As for the whole clothes thing–SO not worth arguing about. What the floop does it matter?! If your boyfriend is paying, it’s not her decision–but it’s also not yours. If he wants to buy the clothes, you butt out and let him explain it to Mommy. And don’t go around making fun of her bad taste; that will win you NO points with her or your boyfriend OR karma.

You will not win with this woman. Call it a tie and get thee to college.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

love my mommy!

We love our mommies. So very much. In fact, I spent all weekend baking, shopping, dancing and watching the Betty White SNL with my beautiful mom for the momentous Mother’s Day. My mom is the coolest, most beautiful, intelligent, sincere woman in the entire universe. She gives great advice and shares clothes with me. Not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.

You know what though? It’s Monday. 9 AM on a freaking Monday. Mother’s day is dunzo, the kitchen is covered in funfetti frosting and I’m here to pick apart all those goofy little sentiments that dear old mom would dole out all through my childhood. Some I hear myself repeating and some just don’t make sense.

10. “They’re just insecure, that’s why!”
Said when you come home crying about the school bully. Not true. Moms are just too tired to explain a sociopath to a child.

9. “Beds are NOT meant for bouncing on!”
Oh yeah?

8. “A little birdy told me”
Usually a teacher, someone else’s mom or a relative. Damn birdies.

7. “Never go to bed angry”
Unless someone really, really screws you over. Or if it’s over your ex-boyfriend.

6. “Your face is going to stick that way, young lady.”
21 years strong of eye-rolling and sneering and nothing’s stuck, yet.

5. “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover”
Really? Because I can. And I do. And I have a 89% success rate.

4. “If you don’t get dressed, I’m bringing you to school in pajamas!” Pretty sure my mother, the woman who doesn’t own sweatpants, would keel over if I went to school in anything less than a matching sweaterset, bow and leggings. Yes, that still applies to my life today.

3. Santa Clause, the easter bunny, tooth fairy and The Jones Home
“The Jones Home” was a big scary house in Ohio that my parents claimed was a house for the bad kids and threatened to send me there if I misbehaved. They placed false phonecalls bi-weekly.

2. “If you’re too full to finish your dinner, you’re too full for dessert.” Yeah okay, apparently you’ve never experienced the $3.99 chocolate lava cakes that Domino’s has to offer.

1. “You’ll understand when you’re older”
I’m still just as lost as I was when I was 10.

Moms are just pools of knowledge from which we benefit. And while each of us has a wonderful mother who has imparted great wisdom upon us over our lifetime, imagine how much we’d learn if we had lots of moms passing down their knowledge. So this week, in honor of Mother’s Day (Did you forget? Don’t worry – we’ve got your back, sister), I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share the best lessons their moms have ever taught them. And I want you to do the same! Not only can we honor our fabulous, fearless and fierce moms, but we can all learn a few valuable lessons as well.

Katie – Michigan State University:  My mom taught me to do my own thing without regard to what people might think of me. If you do it confidently enough, everyone will fall into place behind you. Thanks, Mom.

Carly – Grinnell: My mom taught me how to cook. That may seem like a simple thing, but considering how much I LOVE food, I’m not sure I could live without it!

Norah – Drake University: That everything happens for a reason. And that you can make killer margaritas with lime juice concentrate, tequila, 7-Up and a can of beer.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: My mom taught me that as long as I believe in myself, nothing is impossible.

Lauren – University of Michigan: The two biggest lessons my mama ever taught me were to keep all shopping bags hidden in the car until my dad left for work, and to dress for my body and not for trends. I live by those two rules.

Brittany – University of Saint Thomas: I could start motivational speaking around the country if I could only write everything my mama ever taught me on here. In brief circumstances: Be confident – not arrogant, understand everything is meant to be, and never settle. Oh, and always bring an extra jacket to the airport.

Ness – Sheridan: I lost my mom last year to cancer, and as awful as that whole experience was, it taught me probably the biggest lesson I’ve learned to date — never take someone for granted, and always make sure the people in your life know you love them.

Sara C – Fordham: My beautiful mother taught me that it is never too late to go after your dreams or change your career path. Proof? I’m going home this weekend to watch her graduate with honors with her master’s degree! I’m so proud!

Noa – CU Boulder: My mom recently exposed me to the goodness that is a Popeye’s biscuit. It’s probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Brithny – Duke: My mom taught me go for the tall guys, because then you get to wear really high heels if you want.

Samantha – UCSB: Momma always told me to be nice to everyone! I have, and people seem to like it.

Jessica – Delaware: My momma taught me never to take sh*t from anyone, and I don’t….(except from guys. I’m still workin on that).

Jackelyn – San Francisco State University: My mom taught me it’s better to be safe than sorry…so I always end up overpacking on vacations only to realize that I needed everything I brought. Thanks Mommy, I love you!

Caitlin – University of Alabama: The best lesson my mom taught me was you can never have enough shoes.  And to wait until things go on sale.

Christie – NC State: To bat your eyelashes when you can’t carry so many bags/boxes/heavy things, and a man will surely offer to help.

Back then I thought that religion should have nothing to do with love, but I may be starting to see her point of view.

I was raised Catholic. My boyfriend Matt was raised mainly by his Presbyterian mother, but his dad was Catholic and so Matt was baptized as an infant. In all reality, neither of us are very religious now. Ever since I was a teenager, I’ve considered myself Christian, but have never been a big fan of organized religion. My beliefs are my own and I don’t like other people forcing their beliefs on to me.

None of that really means much now, religion doesn’t really come up much in our college relationship, but with Matt and I planning our future together, the topic of kids came up which begged the question: Do we raise them in the church, and if so, which one?

Matt’s been to church with me and my family when we go home to visit my parents, and he’s told me that he likes the tradition of it all (Matt’s never been a fan of change). While I do feel at home at Catholic mass, there are reasons that I refused to get Confirmed back when I was 16. There are just some things about Catholicism that I don’t agree with. We went to his home a few months ago and went to a nondenominational church that his mom had just started going to and, well, it was a little weird. Neither of us were really comfortable there.

We’ve been thinking about trying to find our own church here in Austin that we can call our own, but we have no idea where to start; it’s all a little intimidating and a bit confusing. There are parts of Catholicism I find comforting because it was what I grew up with, and part of me is afraid to go to a church where I have no idea what is going on. Matt doesn’t really like talking about religion with other people, so he’s not a fan of the idea of going to churches where people want to know his every waking thought on God. At this point we don’t know what we’re going to do, but fortunately we have a lot of time before we have to decide about what ideology to raise our children with.

But this whole thing has got me thinking: what about couples who fall in love that are both religious people of two different religions? Matt and I have some things in common when it comes to our faith, but what about two people who have completely opposite sets of beliefs? Religion may not be an issue now, but it’s definitely going to pop up down the road. Is it worth it to get involved with someone with opposing beliefs? Is this something you can get over?

Like I said, I’m starting to see what my friend’s mom was saying when she said it’d be easier to date someone of the same religion. What do you think?

It’s a hard knock life, being ill. Especially at the age of 21, while attending college where you are hardly ever alone, and (I am convinced) the terms ‘Sunday Funday’ and ‘Thirsty Thursday’ were invented. It’s not like it used to be, back in elementary school, when you’d fake a cough just to stay home and enjoy that coveted sick day. Now, well, I really miss those sick days…

Then: While being home sick, you could catch up on the coolest cartoons all day, curled up alone on your parent’s bed, while eating fist fulls of Gushers.

Now: The only thing on TV is “The Price is Right” (with Drew Carey?!) and “Judge Judy.” Your couch has tons of crumbs in it, and the closest thing to Gushers you have is the bag full of almonds in your cupboard (curse trying to be healthy).

Then: Mom. Serving you soup, giving you a hot wash cloth to put on your forehead, re-filling your cool glass of water, softly asking you if you are OK. She is the nurse of all nurses, and would stop the world from spinning if only you could be all better.

Now: Mom via technology.  Can’t serve you soup, or re-fill your cool glass of water from miles away. And what is it with talking to Mom on the phone when you’re sick that make you want to have a snot-filled whine-fest that only seems to make you feel worse?!

Then: Skipping school was the essence of cool.  You would prance back to your personal desk with “Get Well” cards from your classmates, and a welcome committee on the playground for a round of four-square. Um, awesome.

Now: Skipping class has put you in a state of panic.  You have missed lecture, and are frantically trying to catch up on lengthy readings.  No one really has sympathy for you, instead they are all staying as far away from your germy self as possible,  and your “Get Well” card has come in Pop Quiz form. Ugh, awesome.

Then: Lucky for you, a family reunion lands on the dates you are sick. And you (tear) cannot attend.

Now: The minute your sickness hits a high note, everyone is planning the most awesome outings. Your close friend who hasn’t partied in while, does. Your favorite bar has a “Jersey Shore” theme party. The Situation himself visits a local downtown bar of your own (Writers Note: actually happened). And you’re missing all of it.

OK, so college isn’t the best place to be sick, especially when your roommate won’t even come in the room let alone bring you some hot tea. But being sick it’s not all bad. I mean, when else can you justify indulging in life’s guiltiest pleasures – like watching USA Hockey (hotties) when you are supposed to be in a meeting, or eating left-over Valentine’s Day candy every waking moment you can – in the name of feeling better?

Sometimes, even when you can only breathe through one nostril, it’s the little things.
And with that, I’ve got a nose to blow and an embarrassingly bad book to finish….

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Guy, walking out of a package store with three 30-packs of beer.)

Guy: Yeah, I’ve been trying really hard on this whole “New Year’s Resolution” thing. Think I’m doing okay so far.

(Girl, talking to a guy at a bar.)

Girl: Are you related to that guy on stage?

Guy: Who?

Girl: You look a lot like him.

Guy: No, I don’t.

Woman: Okay, you’re right. I’m just trying to hit on you.

(Girl, complaining in the student union lounge.)

Girl: I used to like Gaga, you know, back when I thought she was a hermaphrodite. Like, I’d watch her, and I’d be like “yeah, this is good, I like this,” but I was always on my toes. Because you never know when something might just – pop out! It was exciting.

(Two girls, talking in a nearby restaurant booth.)

Girl: It was like … I touched him, you know, in … how d’you say. His penis.

(Professor, working with a winter session math class.)

Student: I don’t get this problem. So we can get the gas halfway across the desert, but then we still have to get back. Seems impossible.

Prof: *chuckling* Ask your dad when you’re older.

(Girl and a guy, talking outside an apartment.)

Girl: Just … listen, if you hear anything that sounds like a door opening and people stealing all my stuff, try and stop them, okay?

(Guy in a Dunkin’ Donuts line, talking to a girl.)

Guy: New thing I did last night. I tried typing, you know, random nouns into Ebay. Like “stuff” and “product.” And see what happens. It was fun.

Girl: This is why you still live with your mom.

(Girl, guy, talking over coffee.)

Guy: She made me a mix CD before I left.

Girl: Uh-oh. That’s it. She wants you.

Guy: You think so?

Girl: That mix CD is like her womb enveloping your musical taste. She wants to take you and birth you as her own.

(Two girls, in a movie theater hallway.)

Girl 1: Avatar? No, it was Fatatar.

Girl 2: The best part was when they blew up Home Pizza.