[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to editor [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

Here’s the deal: I’ve got this guy that I’ve been friends with since Freshman year. We see each other at parties and are kind of always on the outsides of circles that cross paths, you know? Cut to a couple of months ago after this party where we both had a bit too much to drink– we hooked up. And it was AMAZING. Best sex ever. Since then we’ve been spending a lot of time together, but the thing is that neither of us wants a serious thing right now. We’re only 21, you know? We want to keep our options open, but we don’t want to lose what we’ve got either. So I’ve heard about people having “open” relationships, but I don’t hear about a lot of them that ever end up well. So I guess my question is: what are the rules to an open relationship? Are they different for every open relationship? How do you hash those out?

Thanks, Dude.

Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo

Dear Girl With A Dolphin Tattoo,

Totally get where you’re coming from, and yes, there are a lot of pitfalls to an open relationship. Some figure they’re doomed to be temporary just based on the nature of them, and I’m not entirely certain those critics are wrong. Of course, I’m not really sure they’re right, either. It all depends, like every relationship, on how you two grow with each other rather than away from each other.

I do think that EVERY relationship is like…well, a snowflake. No two are the same. No two have the exact same dynamics or a pair of partners with the exact same needs. There’s no recipe for a long-lasting relationship, open, poly, closed, monogamous, whatever! There’s only what you two decide is best for you two. This, of course, doesn’t mean that I don’t have an opinion or two, maybe even a couple of pointers, or some mild suggestions…

First off: How much do you want to know about the other people you’re being…open…with? There are pros for full disclosure and pros against full disclosure. Some think if you’re hiding someone, then it’s serious. Some don’t want to know, because it ignites a jealous streak. Is it a case of TMI or Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell?

Second issue: Priority status. You’ve got go the extra effort to let each other know that “you are my number 1 guy!” (It’s funnier if you imagine Jack Nicholson saying it while groping at Bob the Goon’s pleather jacket).

You have to be totally upfront and honest with each other about what you want, what you need, and vice versa. You can’t shy away from tough conversations, and you can’t leave questions unanswered. What goes unsaid is probably going to be the toughest challenge, because you know what’s being left unmentioned has a name and a vagina.

Talk it out, be clear about what you both want and don’t want, and then play it by ear. And as your needs change, you need to tell him. As separate as you want things to be at times, you need to make sure the times you are together are the most intimate times.

Opening Up Possibilities,

The Dude

A new study performed by researchers at the University of Guelph in Ontario in partner with those at Indiana University looked into various motivations for why couples commit infidelity. The study, involving 918 men and women in monogamous sexual relationships, found that those who are less confident in their sexual performance or are unsure that they are living up to their lovers’ expectations are nearly three times more likely to cheat. This anxiety about performance is a new and interesting addition to the many findings about cheating. The study also confirmed that risk-taking men or men that are easily aroused are also more likely to stray. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to cheat if they are dissatisfied with their current relationship.

Professor Robin Milhausen says that, “taken at face value, this research might seem to just support sexual stereotypes: Women are just concerned about the relationship and, for men, once a cheater, always a cheater, regardless of the relationship. But the caveat is that there are a lot of variants and factors that are not explained here that might impact whether one cheats… The research shows that demographic variables may not influence decision-making as much as previously thought- that personality matters more, especially for men.”

Overall, these findings showcase some light on possible reasons for why so many people commit infidelity. Although it is important to not overemphasize the meaning behind these conclusions, they may be valuable to help solve the cheating crisis and put people back in the monogamous bedroom again.

Have you ever cheated or been cheated on? What do you think the motivation is for most cheaters? Is it simply too hard to be monogamous?

A new sex study shows that a growing number of teens and young adults are not having sex. The National Center for Health Statistics released the study, which found 27 percent of men and 29 percent of women between 15 and 25 years old have never had a sexual encounter. The last round of data released in 2005 showed that 22 percent of young adults had not had sex. This study is considered to be the most in-depth federal report ever released. In order to avoid confusion, the study went into more detail than previous versions, even defining things such as oral sex. While just under 30 percent of males and females have not had vaginal intercourse, 62.6 percent of females and 64 percent of men said they’d had oral sex. Other findings showed young women as being more experimental with their sexuality; women are twice as likely to have a same-sex encounter than men. A higher percentage of women in this age range identify themselves as either bisexual or homosexual. Researchers attribute this to women feeling it is more socially acceptable for them to be experimental so they are more apt to admit to their experimentation.

A British study found women are more likely to cheat than men. The poll conducted by dating firm Coffee & Company showed 25 percent of the females surveyed were certain they’d be unfaithful if they found someone else, compared to only 9 percent of men. College guys shouldn’t fear just yet though (unless you’re dating a cougar); it’s the 35-40 female age group that is most likely to have an affair.

A nine-week-old fetus “testified” during an Ohio committee hearing about a new abortion bill. The “Heartbeat Bill” would require women have an ultrasound prior to having an abortion; if a heartbeat can be detected, the procedure would be prohibited unless it was deemed medically necessary. This bill would say a fetus is viable as soon as a heartbeat was detected; viability is whether or not a fetus could survive outside of the womb. During the hearing two mothers at different stages in their pregnancy were brought in and had their ultrasound projected onto a screen and the heartbeat played. Some pro-choice lawmakers chose not to attend the hearing as they thought it was an abuse of the women in order to make a point.

What do you think about all of this? Did you expect women to cheat more than men? For the number of sexually active teens to decline? Let’s discuss.

Researchers from Florida State University released a study on what makes men monogamous. According to the study, relationship status determines how attractive men find women during different stages of their menstrual cycle. Guys that are single find women most attractive at the peak of ovulation – also known as the best time to get preggers. Alternatively, committed guys find women less attractive when they are more fertile. So for guys in a relationship, finding a woman less attractive at the peak of fertility is seen as reducing the temptation.

Need another reason not to go down on a guy? US scientists said there is strong evidence linking cancer and oral sex. In the US tobacco use has been outranked by HPV as the leading cause of oral cancer. The study shows that oral sex is still sex, and the more partners you have the higher the risk of getting any STI. The real message in this? Protection is key no matter what type of sex you’re having.

A judge in Manitoba (Canada) ruled that because a rape victim “wanted to party” a convicted rapist will not serve time in jail. The judge also said this case should not be seen as precedent, as it is not a “typical” case. Around the world there is constant debate about “victim shaming” and what role the victim plays in rape. Last year in Australia a jury questioned whether the difficulties in removing skinny jeans showed suspected rape was actually consensual…and a man accused of rape was acquitted.

A study done by a University of Michigan psychologist, Terri Conley, shows women are just as likely to engage in casual sex than men, if the person suggesting is equivalent in sexual prowess. The study also shows both women and men are sexually motivated by pleasure and that making babies simply occurs as a result of people having sex from pleasure. The study disproves a previous notion that women have sex with people they think can take care of them. Conley asked women if they would have sex with Johnny Depp (looks) or Donald Trump (money), and not surprisingly (to me anyways) the majority said Johnny Depp.  No matter how much moolah sleeping with the hair might get them, women still swoon for Johnny. [Editor's Note: Horrible question...Johnny Depp is rich, too!] Research also shows that women turn down casual sex not because they don’t want to get it on, but because they think it won’t be pleasurable. 

What do you think about all of this? Giving head is bad! Victim-shaming is in! This is a lot to think about.

I tried my best to find the truth about sploodge last week and we’ve already covered movie myths about sex, so this week I’m going to take a crack at some general misconceptions about sex. The lies we’re all fed by our friends, by the media, and by our own unrealistic expectations; let’s forget all of that and take a straight-forward look at the not-so-romantic but very realistic parts of sex.

It doesn’t always just come naturally. Sometimes sex is really awkward, as much as we want to believe it’s this natural and organic experience. It can be messy, and tender intimate love-making isn’t always what happens. With contraception, sounds, positions, and a multitude of other things on our minds, sex becomes a little less romantic and a lot more mechanical. While the times will come when it’s like being swept away in a wave of passion, sometimes things don’t happen that easily. Even two people who are madly in love can have sex that doesn’t end the way both partners expect it to. As with anything in life, sex isn’t always going to be perfect – and that’s okay.

Sometimes you just don’t feel like it. If there’s one thing about sex I was lead to believe that I wish I wasn’t, it would be that men are ALWAYS in the mood. That myth leads to guys feeling a lot of pressure and girls feeling a lot of rejection when maybe he’s just too tired to go for the fifth time that day. Sometimes you won’t be able to get in the mood, sometimes he won’t be able to get in the mood, but both of those things are okay (sorry, I know I’m being hetero-normative). We can’t be sex machines all the time; sometimes we just need to sleep.

Sex is a reasonable deal-breaker. It tends to be believed that breaking up with someone because the sex is bad is just an awful thing to do. In reality, if you’re planning on being in a monogamous relationship for the rest of your life, it’s a completely rational thing to want that one person you’ll be having sex with forever to be a good match for you – in bed and out. Of course, some problems can be worked through (like technique) but if the basics of sexual compatibility are off – you want it eight times a week and he only wants it twice, his penis is really big and you have a small vagina, you need a certain thing in bed to be happy and that thing is something your partner never be willing to do – no amount of love is going to fix it. Those things will always be a problem, and sometimes it’s better to just nip it in the bud before you’re married with three kids (now can you understand why I say you shouldn’t wait?).

Orgasms don’t always happen, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t good. Regardless of what we see in movies and porn, it doesn’t always end with a bang… sometimes it just ends. It’s generally believed that 50-75% of women can’t orgasm through intercourse alone, which means it’s not very common for both partners to finish at the same colossal moment every single time. Whether if it’s that you’re just not quite feeling it, it all happened too fast, or he’s already gotten off a couple times that day (by himself, I presume) – sex without orgasms is going to happen. From the male sexperts I listen to frequently, I get the impression that men have a hard time fathoming that sex can be good without the orgasm – but sometimes that’s the case, and sometimes it’s still completely awesome. Be grateful you’re having sex at all, don’t feel guilty, and make the lack of an orgasm up to your partner the next time. Relax, it happens.

Both partners need to learn what works. There’s really only so much raw materials that a person can bring into a relationship – the rest needs to be learned and sorted out over the course of a couples’ sex life. Sex isn’t always going to be awesome the first time with a new partner, but once you get some practice and find your way around each other’s bodies, most people will learn how to make the effort to do what their partner likes best.

Sometimes a roll in the sack will go off without a hitch, and sometimes we won’t be so lucky. What are some of the misconceptions you had about sex before you actually started having it?

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman, so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like whether we're too celeb obsessed!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

With Tiger’s ladies coming out of the woodwork (seriously Tiger, where did you find the time?) and Ashley Dupre telling everyone who’ll listen that call girls – *ahem*, escorts – save marriages, it seems like everybody is weighing in on infidelity – and we are not about to be left out!

Now admittedly, I’m a monogamy person, but I do get that some people just don’t want to/can’t cut it that way and I give them a little slack. And I have to say, if I were to find out that my guy was sleeping with someone else, (after I finished grinding his man-parts into the floor with my pointiest shoes) I’d probably feel better about him seeing an escort than just some other woman – at least with a call girl, it’s just sex. And I will also admit that call girls tend to be classier about the whole things than mistresses – you don’t see nearly as many of them trying to cash in on sleeping with a celeb. There’s something to be said for being professional about the whole thing, after all, escorts make their living on being discreet and have a lot more clients to lose if they’re seen as blackmailers.

But that same logic that makes an escort seem like a better option might also make it worse. After all, with a mistress, there’s at least some kind of emotional attachment; there must be some level of caring or interest beyond the purely sexual, or else why not just pay for it? Would it hurt less if your man went crawling to someone else for nothing more than a little bump and grind? And if you were on the other end of it – if you were the other woman? Well, I’d definitely rather be wanted for me than for my body (as cool as The Girlfriend Experience made it look). And while it may seem wrong that all these women would cash in on sleeping with a celeb, at the same time, I can understand why they do it. For some I’m sure it’s the money, the fame; but then most of us have at some point had a break up where we just wanted to see the guy squirm. If you had that kind of ammo, if you could make the whole world see him as a jerk, can you really say you wouldn’t have even thought about it?

As the idea of being a call girl becomes more and more opened up with movies and TV shows about it, is it possible that the taboo is turning? Are mistresses the new prostitutes? Or will sex always be dirtier than relationships? Which position would you rather be in?  And what do you think these ladies should do?

So many questions.
Duke it out girls!

Can we handle an open relationship?

My boyfriend and I have been talking about an open relationship. The distance between us (Boston to LA) is starting to get really hard and our relationship is suffering because of it. But we love each other and neither of us is ready to give up. We’ve tried everything to make this work and now we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel to come up with any suitable alternative to our current situation.

Since I decided against dropping out of school to become a porn star in LA (sorry to all my male readers), it looks like our best option at this point is an open relationship. We’d get what we needed when we were apart (attention, orgasms…) but still have each other when we were finally back together. Theoretically, I’ve never really believed that monogamy is human nature, or that being with multiple people means caring less about each one of them. So in an ideal world, an open relationship would eliminate our loneliness without affecting our love for each other.

Sounds pretty perfect. If only I were totally convinced that’s how things would actually play out in the real world…

Let’s break this down.

Ideal World: We remain completely in love, and anyone else is just a casual fling.
Real World: He meets a new girl and wants to pursue a relationship.

Ideal World: We are able to have casual sex with other people without any repercussions to our relationship.
Real World: One of us can’t handle the jealousy and it’s too late (and we’re too far away) to fix it.

Ideal World: There are no STDs!
Real World: He picks up gonorrhea from one of his ladies and gives it to me the next time we’re together.

Ideal World: Our families don’t find out, or are incredibly open-minded and support our decision.
Real World: His mom will forever think of me as “that ho who was sleeping around on her son.”

Ideal World: I meet tons of boys, but he’s too busy with work to meet any girls.
Real World: He’s on dates every Friday night while I’m at home making love to Ben and Jerry.

I’m stuck.
What do you guys think?  Ever been in an open relationship? Did it work?

Share your stories below. Please. I need them.

It’s back-to-school time, and I’ve been spending some time lately thinking about what college means for our sex lives. College is our time to explore anything that interests us to find out what we really like and what type of people we want to become. We explore different majors, career paths, friendships, relationships, and sexualities. College is the first time in our lives most of us can really embrace our sexuality, explore it, and figure out how to truly enjoy it.

I go to a women’s college, so my first year was filled with questions from friends back home asking if I’d become a lesbian. My answer: so what if I had? And why did they care?

Despite the freedom we gain in college from adults, we are still constrained by our peers’ expectations of us, which can make it difficult to remain true to ourselves and create a healthy personal (and sexual) identity.

Here are some tips I hope you girls (and guys) can keep in mind while exploring sex in college.

It’s OK to be a virgin.
This had to come first because I think a lot of students are under the impression that there aren’t any virgins left in college, or that it’s weird to be a virgin in college. It’s completely normal to be a virgin in college and you should never feel pressured to “lose it” just to fit in.

There are more than three sexualities.
Most people think of sexuality in three categories: gay, straight, or bi. Most people, however, don’t fit neatly into these three categories. I prefer to see sexuality as a spectrum, ranging from completely heterosexual to completely homosexual, with the majority of people falling somewhere in between. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, or even if you don’t know where you fall on the spectrum, you are NORMAL. Don’t ever change yourself to fit someone else’s expectations of you.

Casual sex can be HARD.
Casual sex may seem like the norm in college, but don’t let that trick you into thinking it’s an easy solution to your sexual frustrations. Casual sex can be great if you’re horny and not looking for any type of attachment, but it can also result in a lot of painful feelings if one person cares more than the other. Make sure you know what you’re getting into before you have sex with anyone, be aware that you might get hurt, and USE PROTECTION no matter what.

Monogamy isn’t a golden standard.
Our society tends to regard monogamy as the natural result of romantic relationships, and this isn’t necessarily true. Some people are happy in monogamous relationships, some aren’t. Many college students explore open relationships or multiple relationships. Find out what type of relationship makes you happiest and pursue it.

[The following post is courtesy of Vanessa Cullins, M.D., Vice President of Medical Affairs at Planned Parenthood. If anyone knows anything about the importance of testing and sexual health, it is Dr. Cullins.]

Here’s a disturbing tidbit:  A U.S. government study found that an average of 14 percent of college women become infected with a human papilloma virus (HPV) each year. At the end of a three-year study, 43 percent of college women were infected.  Why should you care?  Because in some cases HPV can lead to cancer. To avoid HPV infection, girls and women should be vaccinated with Gardasil, which prevents infection of the types of HPV that cause 70 percent of the cases of cervical cancer in the U.S.

Here’s another: An estimated 19 million Americans are infected with a new sexually transmitted disease (STD) each year and, by the age of 25, half of all sexually active young people will contract an STD. In fact, at least one in four teenage girls already has an STD.

STDs continue to pose a serious public health threat in this country, particularly to young women, who are more vulnerable to infection than men, due to biological factors.

Because many STDs do not cause any symptoms — and most doctors do not automatically test for STDs — many women and men may not even realize that they are infected and at risk of spreading the infection to their partners.

Yet, without treatment, STDs can lead to serious short- and long-term health consequences, including infertility. Some untreated STDs, such as chlamydia and gonorrhea, can cause pelvic inflammatory disease, with the potential for other serious health problems. Others, like HIV, permanently jeopardize a person’s health and can kill.

STDs are preventable, treatable, and in some instances, curable. Women and men should minimize their STD risk by practicing safer sex. The use of condoms significantly reduces the risk of contracting an STD during vaginal, oral, and anal sex. Monogamy is better than latex but it only works if both partners are uninfected and both remain committed to monogamy — the problem with relying on monogamy is that one can only be sure of one’s own behavior.

Regular STD testing is critical. Health care authorities suggest that young, sexually active women and men be screened annually for the most dangerous and common sexually transmitted infections: HIV, chlamydia, and gonorrhea, if rates of gonorrhea are high in your community. Your local Planned Parenthood health care provider can talk with you about STDs and help you get the testing or treatment you may need. Visit www.plannedparenthood.org to locate your nearest health center. Or visit http://gyt09.org to learn about the “Get Yourself Tested” campaign, a partnership between Planned Parenthood, MTV, and the Kaiser Family Foundation.

Denial and embarrassment are the two most dangerous risks to your sexual health. Both can keep you from getting tests and treatment.  This is the real deal:  All sexually active people are at risk for getting STDs — no matter how faithful, how clean, or how cool you may be.  So don’t let denial or shame jeopardize your health.  Practice safer sex, and get checked out every year to make sure you can enjoy your sex life for many more years to come, in addition to ensuring that you and your partner can experience pregnancy when the time is right.

Q:

This is someone who called me half the time, took me for a fancy dinner on my birthday, WANTED to hang out, asked that I not hook up with others (and I know he wasn’t either) and actually liked me, and yet, there he was telling me he could never be a boyfriend to anyone right now and that maybe we shouldn’t hang out anymore. It was actually a really disturbing freak-out. We haven’t spoken since. What gives?

A: Oh man, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? He’s totally into it, but bolts when we try to take the natural step forward.

I’ve never been a great mind-reader so I decided to take your question to someone who might have a bit more insight into the male mind–my boyfriend. So what’s up with a guy that wants to act like a boyfriend until you actually say the word “boyfriend”?

Boyfriend Adam says: “The whole “I can’t be a boyfriend to anyone” sounds like a cop-out–it’s ambiguous and that’s probably on purpose. It’s possible that he really does have something going on in his life, but I don’t know why he wouldn’t be more specific–and it seems like he could be a boyfriend to someone all month, before you said you wanted a relationship. He was acting like your boyfriend, regardless of whether or not he called it that. It sounds like for whatever reason, he changed his mind. Either way, it’s a lose-lose. Either he’s telling you the truth that he’s damaged goods, or he’s lying to you about why he can’t be a boyfriend to anyone, which isn’t a good indicator of any relationship to come. Finally–if a guy really likes a girl, he’ll figure out a way to make it work.”

I have to echo what Adam said, especially that last part. I hate to get all “he’s just not that into you” on you, but if there’s something I’ve learned over the past few years of dating, it’s to listen to what he’s telling you when he’s telling you he is unfit for a relationship. If he says he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship, then he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship. Whether he doesn’t want one at all or he doesn’t want one with you–it doesn’t matter.

And it sounds like you already know that. We can try to figure out exactly what happened until we’re blue in the face, and we may never know. What we do know though, is that whether he’s really a mess and can’t be in a relationship, or he’s just giving you a lame excuse, the end result is the same. He would make a bad boyfriend. And when you’ve only been seeing someone for a month, you want that person to be excited to be in a relationship with you. You shouldn’t have to drag them into it, kicking and screaming.

You weren’t out of line to expect your situation to evolve into a relationship–in fact, given what you told me, you already were in a relationship with him. He just didn’t want to call it that, and that’s his loss.

Got a question for Pillow Talk? Email pillow.talk.cc@gmail.com and we’ll tackle it next time!

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