The Unofficial

Have you noticed that guy who trails three feet away from the girl who has a steady boyfriend? Or that girl who silently stalks the team player? Yup, they are The Unofficial.

The Unofficial is the guy or girl who is not the main entrée of the relationship. He or she is the appetizer before the main entrée… or maybe just the wilted salad. They are the one that someone turns to in order to curb their hunger before the main relationship meal.

The unofficial is whispered about by his/her friends and acquaintances. He/she is not appreciated for intelligence or personality; they are more often likened to slabs of meat waiting to be used.

The Unofficial is usually a promiscuous guy or girl who seeks attention from the opposite sex. There are no limits to their seduction tactics. The target is always someone in a relationship and the ultimate goal is to steal the title. Unfortunately, all they get is a little physical attention and a whole lotta false hope.

The Unofficial has a reputation for being “unofficial” to a lot of people. The Unofficial is so named because he/she is a serial side piece. Unofficial-ism may even last for years! He/she has never been in a real relationship and make themselves and others believe they are free spirits. They claim to be able to jump from person to person (even if that person is in a relationship) performing “acts of love” without fear of repercussion, guilt or shame.

He/she is a not a bad person – just someone with inferior morals, low self esteem or a longing to be loved by the one they admire. Who always happens to be in love with someone else. The unofficial would do anything to become the main squeeze. But the main squeeze they will never be. Instead, they will stand by as their target moves into other relationships, watching from a not-so-safe distance.

In many cases, The Unofficial is also transitional, though not to be confused with the rebound. The rebound is someone who has a chance of being the official girl or guy. That is not that case for The Unofficial. If the target male or female is suddenly single, The Unofficial warms the bench until the star player arrives. The Unofficial/ will never actually become an official. They just do not have the qualities.

Annoying drunk people…

1. Feel the need to scream, “Omigod! I’m soooo drunk!” It’s not an Olympic sport. You don’t get a medal if you blow a .20 at the end of the night.

2. Feel the need to deny their drunkenness. They fall into walls and slur “I’m totally fine!” and then reach for a bottle of Bud Lite, Jager, Windex, anything, to prove that they can handle even more.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by going with the flow and hanging out. No need to announce your current level of inxotication, or how sober you think you are.

Annoying drunk people…

3. Need to be the center of attention by screaming, dancing on tables, and giving other partygoers a general headache. “We’re going streaking!” is only funny when it’s Will Ferrell.

4. Can’t help but be the center of attention by getting over-emotional and crying. Extra annoying points when they lock themselves in bathrooms and demand consolation from their best friend for hours, thereby ruining the non-annoying best friend’s night.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by checking your emotional baggage at the door and not using alcohol to combat your life’s problems. Also, don’t use booze as an excuse to prove how wild and uninhibited you are. If you are headed down the attention-whore road, try parking yourself on one bar stool for a night and seeing how many people gravitate towards you.

Annoying drunk people…

5. Need to get laid. No matter what. They think they’re sexy when they whisper sweet nothings into a hottie’s ear, when in reality they are slobbering all over a stranger’s face. Gross. Once rejected, they will probably stumble around the party, trying again. And again. And again.

6. Will get laid. By anyone. And sometimes everyone. Annoying drunk sex-maniacs will leave their friends behind to go home with a stranger, or swap saliva and other bodily fluids with many people – sometimes even multiple partners in one night. This isn’t classy, or particularly safe.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by putting your friends first, and choosing your partners wisely. There’s nothing wrong with an alcohol-induced makeout sesh once in a while, but you deserve the best, and you should hold out for top shelf lovers!

Annoying drunk people…

7. Leave their morals in the bottom of a shot glass. They steal, vandalize, and start fights. You don’t want to be the person that isn’t invited to the party because your friends think you are a klepto, and you don’t want to be banned from the bar for cracking pool sticks over your head, or bitch-slapping your peers.

8. Puke. They will puke on the floor of the bar, in cars, in their beds, their roommates beds, and all over themselves. We all have bad nights, drink one too many, and get the spins, but if your friends feel like an invitation to accompany you to a party means signing up to be a hair-holder, your company is going to get old quick.

Avoid being an annoying drunk by knowing your limits, at least to some extent.

If more than one of these annoying drunken traits apply to you, you might want to rethink the boozing. It’s great to unwind and have a good time, but if Jack Daniels turns transforms you from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde, you’re going to alienate your circle of drinking buddies. And you could be the person that the rest of us are pointing and laughing not with, but AT.

What can I say? I’m very passionate.

Which made things a bit difficult for me recently when I met a wonderful guy…whom I soon found out was a Republican (ew). I wanted to like him – really I did – but was it really possible to be with someone who votes for the other party? I mean, it may be just a vote, but doesn’t it all tie back to someone’s beliefs, morals and passion?

I tried to stick it out, but I couldn’t get myself past the fact that he declared his love for Fox News within the first 5 minutes of my arrival.

Don’t get me wrong; there is nothing wrong with Fox News. And there is nothing wrong with Republicans. But someone who makes a bold statement about his love for Fox News is not someone I want to be with. It is one thing to date someone who votes for the other team; it is quite another to date someone who votes for the other team and then declares his love for said team from every pedestal/mountain/tall chair he can find.

At that point it becomes less about political party and more about values and common interests. It is not that I hated him for voting for Bush (which, in fact, I did), but rather that my idea of a fun Saturday looked completely different from his. I like to walk in the park, hit up the farmer’s market and peruse the aisles of Trader Joe’s. He wants to listen to Rush Limbaugh on the radio while he drives his gas guzzling Hummer to a Pro-Life rally downtown.

Like everything else in life, when dating someone out of your political party moderation is key. If your prospective mate is a more moderate member of the Republican Party, that’s fine; while you may have differing views on tax breaks for the wealthy, the more important issues – the ones that come from deep inside you and dictate who you are – may still align. But if he’s a Bush loving, gun toting, anti-abortion activist, you may want to pack your things and get out. And, perhaps, consider picking up a more liberal lookin’ guy at the polls tomorrow.

I don’t mind conflict of opinion, but notice a lot of people go beyond the reprimand of “If God intended you to have holes in your body, you’d have been born with them” and insist on inflicting their biased views upon the recipient in a selfish and unabashed demeanour.

Unfortunately that recipient often turns out to be me. I don’t particularly mind someone asking me about one of my body jewellery efforts, and with no shortage of studs to choose from (lip, tongue, navel, ears and nipple) I can understand the curiosity of the non-pierced wishing to delve into the mind of someone who thinks a few holes here and there are actually quite pretty.

However, when complete strangers start spouting mind-numbing ignorance such as “Was your tongue sore when you got it pierced?” or “Does that silver thing not hurt you?”, I feel like giving said ignorant individual a rather large shake whilst shouting “DUUUUUUUH!” and possibly crossing my eyes and drooling a little, just for effect.

To be honest, I find it hard to explain exactly why I find body jewellery so appealing. Maybe it’s a cross of aesthetic looks and individuality. And then, of course, there’s the sexual enjoyment – not to everyone’s taste, but having a mouth piercing here and there can sensitise things for the (lucky) recipient. Above all, doing so is completely safe as long as precautions are taken. I’ve never had any bad experiences of studs, bars or rings being ‘ripped out’ due to frenzied attacks on the opposite sex, nor have I developed any weird diseases, odd side effects, or hairy palms (oh wait, I’m getting that last one confused with something else…).

The difficulty with explaining the sexual part to someone – adults especially – is the assumption that because I have it, I’m going to flaunt it. Not necessarily. You’ll find I’m not one for constantly ramming my tongue down throats, and that I don’t discuss such things with many people, if any at all. Despite the statements I make with my body art, I’m completely harmless. Honest.

What do you think about body piercing? Do you have any? What do your parents think? Let us know!