Question?! Answer: Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I can’t believe I’m actually writing this but–I’m having an affair with my mom’s boyfriend.

I know. It’s terrible. But it’s complicated.

My mom was never much of a mom to me. Me and my sister lived with her and her husband growing up and she never really cared about us. She always did things with him and left us home alone. I’m older so I always took care of my sister but I was a kid too and I definitely made some mistakes. Me and my sister are really close but she moved out as soon ad she could drop out of high school.

I still live with my mom because I’m trying to go to school and make something of myself. My mom’s husband left like two years ago. Shes been dating this new guy for about a year.

I don’t know why I did it but I hooked up with her boyfriend two months ago after I had a fight with my mom. But we kept hooking up and now I think I’m falling in love with him. He always tells me he’d leave her for me. But I’m scared of hurting my mom. I’m also scared because when she finds out she’s definitely going to kick me out and I still have two years of college left.

What should I do?
Not Sure

Dear Not Sure,

Hoooooo boy.

Well, obviously you’re in the wrong here. You know it. So I’m not gonna chew you out for flooping your mom’s bf.

Here’s what you’re gonna do: STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM. Stop hooking up. Break it off completely.

I actually think it’s better that you don’t tell your mom. I mean, it’s already done. Telling her is just going to hurt her, even if it makes you feel better. I don’t think you get to pass it off. You’re gonna have to live with this shoop.

I also think you need to find a way to move out. This is CLEARLY a bad environment for you. You are harboring a LOT of resentment towards your mom and it’s making you act badly.

Get a part-time job, talk to your college counselor and at the very least start putting together a plan to leave.

I know your mother did you wrong, but the answer is not to do wrong back. You’ve gotta learn to accept your mother as a person. She may have been a lousy mother, but now you’re going to rise above that and become a good, strong, kind adult.

My real worry is for your mother’s safety. If her bf is cheating with you, he might be cheating with others. I really really hope they’re using condoms.

And you need to take a serious look at how you’re living your life and what made you do what you did. I seriously doubt you’re genuinely falling in love with this guy–I think you’re just angry at your mother–but if you are, get out NOW before your feelings turn more serious. He is not yours to keep. He’s not yours at all. You’ve already started down this bad road; now it’s time for a detour.

Take your bad experiences and let them transform you into a better person. Don’t let them make you into this.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Okay, kiddos. Today we have a very special issue of Ask Tuffy Luv. Today we’re gonna–gasp–learn from our mothers. (Even though, yes, they annoy us sometimes. OK, a lot.)

I know that seems odd. But, readerinos, Aunt Tuffy gets ever so many letters from all of y’all about things I KNOW your momma taught you. So, in one fell swoop, Tuffy gonna answer the basic kinds questions she gets week after week, just by telling you what your mother already knows.

(1) Be Faithful.

Momma sez: You’re probably going to want to have a serious partner someday. Don’t blow it now by blowing through tons of guys (or girls) and burning bridges. You’re gonna form bad habits and you’re gonna get a bad reputation. So don’t cheat. It’s nature’s bad karma, donchaknow?

(2) Use Protection.

Giiiiiirl, don’t be bringing no grandbaby round! Okay, fine, bring the grandbaby. Momma will looooove that grandbaby. But, precious, I just want you to be the best you that you can be. You need time to grow and to be in a good place and in a good relationship. Besides, you don’t want any of those nasty STDs, right?! Momma knows you don’t.

(3) Long Distance is Hard. But So Is Any Relationship.

Sweetheart. You’ve got to follow that sweet heart of yours. Long distance relationships are very difficult, so if you have your doubts, don’t waste your time and energy. But if you think in your heart of hearts that he (or she) really might be The One, you’ve got to give it a shot. Trust yourself. And if it doesn’t work out, don’t punish yourself–learn from your mistakes and live your life the best you can.

(4) Do Unto Others.

Be a good friend. If your girlfriend is interested in someone, don’t hook up with him (/her). Don’t flirt. Don’t do anything that’s going to hurt your friend. And if a friend hurts you? I’ll kill ‘er. No, but really. Don’t hurt your friends, and don’t hurt anyone. If someone hurts you, tell them and then move on.

(5) Get Your Priorities Straight.

Do well in school. Work hard. Choose how you want to live your life, and live it that way to the fullest. You’ve got to pursue your goals, because, honey, your goals ain’t never gonna pursue you. Sit down, figure out what’s important to you, and do it the very best you can. And I just know you’ll do it.

Happy (belated) Mother’s Day, Moms! We love you so much.

Besides, we wouldn’t be here without you.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

Get more Tough Love right here. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Question for Tuffy Luv? Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’m quite upset that I have to write to you again, but you gave such great advice last time that I would love hear from you again. I’m the short-skirted floozy who wrote to you about a month ago, and unfortunately, the situation has NOT improved. I’ve been following your advice – I wear my conservative clothes to her house, and even wear bike shorts under my dresses and skirts. I attend all the family functions to which I’m invited and spend quality time with the whole family when I’m at his house instead of hiding out in his room. We even made them dinner and dessert one night!

Recently, the boyfriend and I went on several weekend trips, which, given that he’s 19, shouldn’t be a huge deal. Momma wasn’t pleased with the idea, but she eventually gave in and let it go. We figured that maybe she was finally realizing that he’s growing up and away, like all children are supposed to. However, with back-to-school looming, the leash is getting shorter and shorter.

It all started the other night: His whole family was at a family friend’s house. Momma got a little tipsy and started spouting off about “bitches who steal sons away from their parents and never let them talk to them again.” She said she wished she had a daughter (she has two sons, BF is the older) because “a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he chooses a wife” and how “girlfriends never realize that it’s the mother who raised them and she just gets to reap the benefits.” This was all in front of me; I was sitting right next to her at the table. It all seemed quite pointed, given that I’m BF’s first girlfriend and his younger brother has yet to have one.

Just today, Boyfriend let her know that he was going to the mall with me to pick out some new clothes for school. She began to make an issue out of how the clothes we buy together never seem to fit him. The only clothes we have ever bought together are a pair of nice khaki Dockers that are, as far as I can tell, the best fitting pants he has. Then she went on about how I spend money carelessly and make him spend more that he should. His father asked him why he couldn’t just go shopping with his mother, and he responded by asking why he couldn’t just go with me. His dad said “Because your mother is paying” and BF responded “Well, then I can just pay.” He told them we had dinner plans and he had to leave. When we got back tonight, he told her he didn’t buy anything, just tried things on, because we could get better discounts online. She asked where he was buying from, and he told her American Eagle. She’s strictly a Kohl’s/Walmart person. She rolled her eyes and said something about how it was too expensive, especially with shipping. I let her know that they had a  promotion where if you spent $75+ you got free shipping, that the clothes were buy 1 get 1 half off, and we had a 20% off coupon on top of it. She just responded “And what can you get for $75 from there? Jean and a T-shirt? I want to see these clothes before you order them.” (Yes, really.)

Honestly, in the past few weeks she’s gotten even more overbearing and possessive, referring to him as “my son” constantly. We head back to college on Friday, and I’m counting the minutes. I just don’t know what to do about her anymore? He’s going to be 20 in a month, and she’s only pushing him away and making his frustrated with all the babying she’s doing. Is there any way I can tell her that she’s pushing him away without risking even more of her ire?

XOXO,
Son Thief

Dear Son Thief (aka Short Skirted Floozy),

Teehee. Flattery will get you everywhere.

But before I address your question, I’mma say two quick things to all you readas out there:

(1) A lot of you send me questions and then say “please don’t post this” or “please respond to me on email.” I don’t do that. I either answer your question in this column or not at all. Sorry.

(2) I LOVE hearing from you kidsos a second time!!! I’m psyched to hear from Shirt Skirted Floozy again. Aunt Tuffy gets such a lil’ ol’ kick out of hearing the follow-up. So write a second time! I velcome it!

Okay, now onto your question, Son Thief.

This woman is OUT. OF. CONTROL. She is completely possessive and demented. It’s getting to be like a TV drama. She has got to calm down.

Tuffy’s guess is that, frankly, she just doesn’t like you and she’s never going to. Sorry. This is not a reflection on you AT ALL–try to remember that! She just cannot let go of her son. It’s like some crazypsychosexual thing. It’s like a Tennessee Williams play up in here.

And look. Loop knows I love a good American Family Drama. But this shoop?! Not okay.

You’re going back to college with him soon, yes? He won’t be living in his mother’s house? GREAT. I change my advice from before. Being more conservative obviously will not work with this woman. I still say that you should NEVER say anything bad to him about his mother.

But now I also say:

AVOID AVOID AVOID

Keep the SHOOP outta her way. She is NOT good to mess with. While you’re in college, forget about her. And when summer comes, plan to stay as far away from her as possible. Don’t hang out at her house. Don’t go on family dinners. And when your presence is absolutely necessary (say, a holiday or birthday party or something like that), just continue to be sweet as punch to her.

As for the whole clothes thing–SO not worth arguing about. What the floop does it matter?! If your boyfriend is paying, it’s not her decision–but it’s also not yours. If he wants to buy the clothes, you butt out and let him explain it to Mommy. And don’t go around making fun of her bad taste; that will win you NO points with her or your boyfriend OR karma.

You will not win with this woman. Call it a tie and get thee to college.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

I, on the other hand, find myself lacking in every aspect of domestic maturity. I dread doing laundry, I get extra excited on the rare occasion that my pasta comes off the stovetop instead of out of the microwave, and I gotta be honest, kids kind of piss me off.

For a long time, I’ve embraced this about myself. I was convinced I could just get by on take-out and who really needs children anyway? But as I approach my senior year of college, it’s beginning to hit me just how close I am to living life in the real world. In a very short while, it’ll be frowned upon to live like I do – laundry piling up, cabinets stocked with Easy Mac, dishes (read: shot glasses) sitting in the sink.

If this is truly some sort of natural instinct in women, when will it kick in for me? And why hasn’t it already?

After a lot of thought, I think I know what’s holding me back. It’s not that I just suck at these household duties – I am so afraid of what it actually means to perform them: growing up.

I love college and I love my adolescence; I’m not quite sure if I’ll be ready for the cold dose of reality that awaits me in just a few years. Don’t get me wrong, I’m capable of surviving on my own; I’ve done it for three years now. What worries me is whether or not I’ll be able to actually accept the idea of being an adult without the safety net of college to fall back on.

Some of my friends have got it all figured out, and I wonder if I’m behind in a sort of race to the finish. Maybe it’s just a matter of time until my biological clock starts ticking and everything falls into place. But I know the first step is to come to terms with the fact that, ready or not, it’s time to grow up… and use a stove.

love my mommy!

We love our mommies. So very much. In fact, I spent all weekend baking, shopping, dancing and watching the Betty White SNL with my beautiful mom for the momentous Mother’s Day. My mom is the coolest, most beautiful, intelligent, sincere woman in the entire universe. She gives great advice and shares clothes with me. Not like a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.

You know what though? It’s Monday. 9 AM on a freaking Monday. Mother’s day is dunzo, the kitchen is covered in funfetti frosting and I’m here to pick apart all those goofy little sentiments that dear old mom would dole out all through my childhood. Some I hear myself repeating and some just don’t make sense.

10. “They’re just insecure, that’s why!”
Said when you come home crying about the school bully. Not true. Moms are just too tired to explain a sociopath to a child.

9. “Beds are NOT meant for bouncing on!”
Oh yeah?

8. “A little birdy told me”
Usually a teacher, someone else’s mom or a relative. Damn birdies.

7. “Never go to bed angry”
Unless someone really, really screws you over. Or if it’s over your ex-boyfriend.

6. “Your face is going to stick that way, young lady.”
21 years strong of eye-rolling and sneering and nothing’s stuck, yet.

5. “You can’t judge a book by it’s cover”
Really? Because I can. And I do. And I have a 89% success rate.

4. “If you don’t get dressed, I’m bringing you to school in pajamas!” Pretty sure my mother, the woman who doesn’t own sweatpants, would keel over if I went to school in anything less than a matching sweaterset, bow and leggings. Yes, that still applies to my life today.

3. Santa Clause, the easter bunny, tooth fairy and The Jones Home
“The Jones Home” was a big scary house in Ohio that my parents claimed was a house for the bad kids and threatened to send me there if I misbehaved. They placed false phonecalls bi-weekly.

2. “If you’re too full to finish your dinner, you’re too full for dessert.” Yeah okay, apparently you’ve never experienced the $3.99 chocolate lava cakes that Domino’s has to offer.

1. “You’ll understand when you’re older”
I’m still just as lost as I was when I was 10.

“Whaaaaat???”

Don’t worry — we have you covered. Here are a few gift ideas you can quickly whip together that your #1 Momma is bound to enjoy ( and 2/5 are FREE!).

1)    A Funny Video. Here’s a video you can easily (in 5 seconds) personalize and send to the lady you love so much. It’s sweet. It’s hilarious. It’s free.  It’s win-win.

2) A DIY card. If you love craft projects (who doesn’t?) skip the Hallmark card this year and make one yourself. If you have time, dry some small flowers (just stash any buds you can get your hands on in a book for a few hours) and glue ‘em on. Make it even sweeter by adding an acrostic poem. Okay, it’s cheesy, but I’m telling you, it always brings out the happiness tears.

Spell your mom’s name downward on a sheet of paper, and with each letter, start a sentence or pick an adjective that describes her. For example, for the name “Emily,” you would have lines starting with E, M, I, L and Y. (And no, “Embarassing,” “Makes me extremely annoyed,” or “Is a nag” are NOT allowed.)

3)    Food! Who doesn’t love customized chocolate covered strawbs? But order ‘em fast! (Luckily they do overnight delivery.)

4) Flowers. Cliché, but always appreciated, flowers are a great last-minute gift for mom. But if you want to add a bit of originality, skip roses and go for tulips or gerber daisies (my personal favorite and they last FOREVER, which means your mom will be reminded of you long after you skip town for the summer).

5) A Book. Get Mom started on her springtime reading with a new novel. Depending on her taste, I would recommend the following: Sophie’s Choice (depressing but worth it), Prodigal Summer (romantic and beautifully written) and Shopaholic Series (trashy but fabulous).

Most of us don’t appreciate our mothers as much as we should. In fact, I’m pretty sure Kanye West was the only person ever to truly idolize and appreciate everything his mother did for him. I mean, the guy wrote her a song! And what did you do? Buy the woman some almost-dead tulips?!

Not only did those women push us out of their very narrow birth canal, but they’ve been doting on us ever since. Mothers have the hardest job in the world (2nd hardest: working in a chocolate shop and not eating any) and are constantly called upon to do more and more and more.

And they do it with grace.

Yet, they also usually do it without thanks. So, in honor of Mother’s Day this Sunday, I called upon the CollegeCandy writers to share their favorite things about the most important woman in their lives: mama. Because no matter how annoying she can get (especially now that she’s on Facebook), your mama loves you and you gotta show that love right back.

Share your love for mom in the comments section below (then show mom your comment as a nice, free Mother’s Day Gift….awwwww).

Leah – Ryerson University: She comes and picks me up whenever I need a ride, even if I’m out late, drunk and barely able to tell where I am.

Charlsie – Hollins: She never makes sense and now I know where my nonsensical self comes from.

Kayla – California State University, Sacramento: My mom is obsessed with rearranging her furniture. If I try to sit on the couch in the dark, I’ll fall because she moved the couch clear across the room.

Brithny – Duke: My mom is a triple threat- she’s Emeril in the kitchen, Martha Stewart in the living room, and Donald Trump in the board room.

Lauren – University of Michigan: My mom calls me 5 times a day to keep me up to date on the important things happening back home like, “The dog pooped in your closet,” or, “DSW has really cute purses!” Did I mention these calls start at 8am on Saturday mornings?!

Kathryn S.: When I was like six and didn’t know what “Fag” meant, I called my brother one.  My mom lectured me on the fact that it’s a very hurtful word.  I was raised an ally before gay rights were even on the radar!

Erica – Kent State: My mom is shorter than me (I’m 4’10″..so you can imagine how small she is!) but she has the biggest personality of anyone I know & says that her short stature is actually what forced her to be so driven, outspoken & assertive. Kinda inspirational, I think.

Elizabeth – UC Berkeley: My Mom is the most caring and selfless person I know.  And she can burp on cue!  That’s what I call skills.

Thu – USC: My mom occasionally experiments in the kitchen and being the food lover that I am, I end up trying her creations. Some are winners, others are not.

Sarah- Virginia Commonwealth University: My mom can correctly diagnose the patients on TLC’s “Mystery Diagnosis”… within the first 10 minutes of the show. The woman’s an English major, but apparently has a knack for diagnosing obscure illnesses that have stumped doctors for years.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: My mom is a bit awkward in that she responds to my Facebook wall posts via the notification email. Love ya mom!

Carly – Grinnell: My mom could play cards with me for HOURS. It makes me so happy.

Elise – Stanford: She always makes sure I say “Rabbit Rabbit” first thing when I wake up on the first of the month for good luck! And she’ll read my horoscope to me over the phone constantly.

Maddie – Tufts: I love my mom because she still proofreads my papers, and also because she continues to suggest that I try on her size 24 jeans even though she knows that’s not ever going work out in this lifetime.

Sara C- Fordham: My mother is a full-time grad student who also holds down a full-time job–not to mention taking care of my younger brother and sister, making dinner, doing laundry, etc. Every time I think I’ve reached my work capacity, I remember that my mom is balancing so much more (and she still has a better GPA than me!). She’s my motivation!

Kelly – Simmons University: My mom splurges on luxuries like weekly massages, but is incredibly cheap when it comes to the essentials. She’ll only buy generic brand tampons and disposable razors. It drives me crazy when I run out of razor blades and end up cutting up my legs with her crappy disposables! But I love her anyway, of course.

K – GWU: I feel comfortable enough to tell her “I fell down a flight of steps at a frat house last night” but she is still my mom and tells me to get my act together, without judging me. Gerri is the bomb!

Danielle – Boston University: My mom is hot and I’m so glad to have her genes. She seriously looks like she’s 35.

Beware, your mother is on now Facebook. You don’t believe me? Well, CNN has the proof. They are reporting that women over 55 are the fastest growing group on Facebook. That’s right, your mother is sending you a friend request at this very moment.

Maybe you’re part of that lucky minority who hasn’t received that email yet, the email that will crush your boundaries and make you curse the social network’s very existence. That may be true, but your mom may still be just a click away from invading your personal Facebook space.  Studies show that “there are now about 1.5 million female users older than 55 on the site — roughly a 550 percent increase over six months ago.”

Unfortunately, my mother is among this statistic.

We became Facebook “friends” about a month ago and let me tell you, my world has never been the same since. At first, I thought our new virtual relationship could be fun. Maybe it would free up some of my cell phone minutes, make her feel more included and “hip.” Maybe I could leave her fun messages on her wall and tag her in embarrassing photos. Well… it’s not so fun. Not so fun at all.

If your mom has yet to find you on Facebook, here’s what you have to look forward to:

She will:

Write on your wall and sign it, “Love, Mom.”
Get confused and ask for your help. Again and again.
Sign up for applications and send you drinks and presents and puppies.
Question who people are, what they said and what it means.
Comment on inappropriate pictures, most likely by criticizing you.
Start conversations with “I was on Facebook and …”
Know what you’re doing and when you’re doing it.
Friend your friends.

Beware, Facebook is not mom-friendly. You will get frustrated, irritated, and embarrassed, so talk her out of it while you still can. If it’s too late for you, her new-found obsession should only last a few weeks. Laugh it off an start sharing war stories. Remember, we’re all in this together.

Not all of them, though. Some annoying campus dwellers will be there. Always. Forever. And never go away.

Who am I talking about? Why, the  Frat House Groupie, of course!

Now, there are many girls who may seem to fall into this category that should not. These are:

1) Members of a sister sorority. It’s super common to see certain fraternities pairing up with certain sororities on campus; their bylaws/campus rules/international standards of fraternizing require that they have to make nice with the girlies and co-host events together.  Whatev.  Point is, if you’re hanging at the house one Friday night because they’re having an awesome 70s themed costume party and you see the typical group of sorority girls, those are the least of your worries.

2) Girlfriends or ex girlfriends of frat boys: These girls are expected to be there. After all, they aren’t just trolling the crowd looking for booty; this is their man’s house. Or their ex man. And they are still friends with all the boys. Read: they know people.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s move into the girls you should be wary of. There are generally two types of Frat House Groupies:

1. The Slutty One: She is the first one at the party and the last one to leave. She’ll be dancing on a table wearing the shiny, super tight tube top that she doesn’t have the body for. On top of that, she’ll be wearing jeans or pants that are usually at least one size too small so that she looks like a stumbling, slurring Muffin Top.  She also tends to wear heels that might be better suited for a scantily clad woman dancing around a pole in a dark corner of a strip club.  She makes a habit of staying up half the night playing beer pong, but doesn’t bother to cover those dark circles under her eyes in the afternoon when she finally rolls out of bed. Those are her battle scars and she wants everyone to ask about her night.  Her most annoying attribute is that she thinks she’s hot stuff and that every guy in the house would die to get with her, when in reality she couldn’t get into a photoshoot for STD awareness.

She’s hangs at the house constantly, trying to get laid, or establish her “place” there.  She thrives on the idea of being part of the inner frat circle, when she is really just a (slutty) puppy dog following the brothers around. Or passing out on one of their dirty, beer-soaked couches.

2. The Guys’ Girl: The other groupie is the exact opposite.  Her uniform includes way more conservative dress.  She won’t dress like a slut, but she won’t dress like a lady either.  She likes the t-shirt and jean approach because she feels like “one of the guys.”   She likes baseball hats with winery names on them and watching football with the guys. She thinks she is much more mature than the other girls around the house and has a much better relationship with her “boys.”  She likes to talk about being able to hold her own, whether it’s in arguments with the men or drinking them under the table (never actually seen that one happen).

This is the girl that wants to be uber important to the fraternity and all of its members and thinks herself a brother even though she lacks (among other things) a penis. The guys’ girl tells everyone that she would never date a frat boy, but secretly wants nothing more. The whole “I’m one of the guys” front is just that: a front. At her core, she wants the same thing as every other girl trolling the frat house hallways. She just doesn’t want to be seen that way.

Whichever category she falls into, the Frat House Groupie is a staple at frat parties nationwide. If you find yourself at a Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes party, or just a random Tiki Tuesday, you will run into her. Every. single. time. There is no cure for the Frat House Groupie; just avoid, avoid, avoid.

(Photo courtesy of laurelt83 on flickr)

In the segment, to be broadcast on Friday, January 2nd at 10 pm, Tamra Larter says that she spent part of her labor for her second child making out with her husband! “The physical touch and the nurturing was just really comforting to me,” she said, “[The birth] was happening, and I could hardly breathe, and it was like, ‘oh, that feels good.’”

Um. Ew?

Dr. Christiane Northrup, OB-GYN, was interviewed by 20/20 and reported that it is possible to experience orgasmic childbirth, according to “basic science.” She says, “When the baby’s coming down the birth canal, remember, it’s going through the exact same positions as something going in, the penis going into the vagina, to cause an orgasm.”

With all due respect to Dr. Northrup, I’m not buying it. And I think it’s great that Ms. Larter was able to get it on during labor (Sidenote: what’s her kid gonna think when he reads that ten years from now?), but either she has a really, really high threshold for pain, a really big va-jay-jay, or they must have slipped her the epidural without telling her. Also, if your baby gives you an orgasm, isn’t that moderately incestual? Just sayin’.

I have no children at the moment, and I have never given birth, so I guess you could say, “don’t knock it till you try it.” But I believe childbirth may be the one thing that you really don’t have to try to knock.  So, here are just a few reasons why I’m not expecting childbirth to be orgasmic:

1. An eight-pound baby is way bigger than a penis.

It’s true that the kid will be coming out the same way his daddy’s manhood went in, but even if that dad were Ron Jeremy (ew, btw), the biggest penis in the world couldn’t possibly compare to the size and weight of a healthy newborn.

2. Empirical evidence suggests that sh*t hurts.

Again, if we’re talking about “basic science” here, let’s look at the evidence. I’m sure most girls have, at one point or another, spoken to their moms or trusted female adult about childbirth, what it’s like, and how it works. We had to find out about it somehow. And as the oldest of three children, I saw my mother go through two pregnancies. Let me tell you, it was not a great endorsement for procreation. Aside from the fact that “morning sickness” turned into “chronic nine-month vomiting” for her, she said giving birth was no cakewalk, either. I just called her to tell her about this story and see what her reaction was to the idea of “orgasmic childbirth,” and she said, “Those women are definitely on drugs.” How’s that for a primary source of evidence?

3. The sitting position of childbirth cannot be comfortable.

If the bed that they put you in is anything like those tables they put you on at the gyno’s office, it can’t be that comfortable. There’s no way I’d be having any sort of orgasm with my legs strapped to stirrups that high in the air and my back on a cold, hard slanted surface. Nope.

4. Too many hormones make me crazy, not excited.

Dr. Northrup also mentioned that “labor itself is associated with a huge hormonal change in the body, way more prolactin, way more oxytocin, way more beta-endorphins.” Sure, endorphins make you feel awesome, but too much of a good thing is usually not a good idea. Even when it gets to be that time of the month, we all get a little bit irrational. So with an event as hormonal as giving birth–even if I had every lower-body-numbing-shot in the doctor’s repetoire–I still think I’d be too loopy to enjoy the process. And with a natural birth, I can just imagine wanting to tear off the heads of everyone in the room. It won’t be a pretty sight.

5. I’m going to look like a hot mess.

No way I’ll be having an orgasm in a hospital robe with my sweaty hair plastered to my neck and forehead. Unless Victoria’s Secret comes out with a childbirth-attire line, I will probably be feeling about as sexy as I do after leaving the gym. The mood has got to be right for an orgasm, and that includes having the right setting and presentation. I’m not saying I need a silk bed of roses or anything, but when I’m feeling sticky and tired, it’s just not gonna happen.