Dear Tuffy Luv,

I’ll start off this email saying you must get hundreds of these, but even if this isn’t featured in the site, I really would just love advice. I’ve heard people say that asking for advice is just asking for someone to tell you a truth you don’t want to admit to yourself, but I honestly have no idea what to do.

From conversations with my girl friends, I’ve deduced that “closure” is when you can finally move on from a failed relationship. My friends have described it as the feeling you get once you can finally put the relationship behind you and say goodbye to an ex for good.

But how do we get there? When does that come? And how do we know? Does closure really mean we have to say goodbye to move on? Does it imply that women must kick someone out of their lives to move on with their own?

Well if so, I’m screwed.

My ex-boyfriend and I have been broken up for years and he is still a sporadic fixture in my life. I met him in elementary school, fell in love with him when I was 16, and now I’m 21 and he is still around. He’s faded into the background a bit, but he’s most definitely still in the picture.

And despite having him around, I am honestly, 100% over him. After a few years of messy friendship and the occasionally stupid hook-up, I finally got over it (hallelujah!) and moved on. I slowly but surely pulled myself together and was happy being single and on my own. After that, I dated and even fell in love again.

However, according to the unwritten Laws of Closure, I am not over him because he is still in my life. My friends are constantly worrying that he’s just trying to get me back and that I need to be rid of him to be truly over him, but that doesn’t seem right or fair to me.

I mean, come on, ladies – can’t we be strong enough to move on from a past relationship without disregarding the ex?

After all, we all learn from every relationship, good or bad, and in some ways are changed by it. It is impossible to be so open with and connected to someone without it altering us. Should we dismiss someone who helps shape who we become? And just because a relationship doesn’t work out, does that mean that no relationship with that person can? Being a boyfriend is a lot different than being a friend; why can’t we get closure and still hold onto the friend?

I’m sure that it’s a whole lot easier to pick up the pieces and move on after a break up without the other person around, but I am proof that it’s possible to move on and have your closure without banishing your ex to the island of failed relationships.

What do you think? What does it take to get a little closure around here?

We all know that women tend to be a little more emotional than men, but when it comes to break ups, shouldn’t everyone be a little hurt? Shouldn’t both parties be at least a little emotional?

Why then does it always seem like the guys are moving on so much faster? While we sit home and watch sad movies and listen to sad music as our friends force feed us, our guys are out at the bar with their friends picking up chicks and having a grand ole’ time.

How can they get over it so quickly? Are girls – even serious girlfriends – that disposable and easy to move on from? I asked one of my boys for the lowdown. His perspective may not make you feel better, but it does explain a lot.

“Ma’am?” says the barista. “Can I help you?”

Right. So after you finally get your coffee, you amble over by the cute dude’s table and strategically sit near him. After a few minutes of awkward eye contact, he gathers up his stuff and asks if he can sit with you. Score, right? You abandon all thoughts of starting your paper early as you gaze into his hazel eyes and find out that you both love cheese fondue and college basketball. As it grows dark outside, he mentions he has to leave, so you take a deep breath and get up the courage to ask him The Question: “Hey… do you wanna hang out again sometime?”

And here’s the answer: “Oh. Um… I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just see you around.”

OUCH!

Congratulations—you’ve liked a guy who doesn’t like you back. We’ve all been there. But is it really as bad as it seems?

I say no. If you’re met with rejection when you ask a guy out or shot down when you try to flirt with him, there’s just one thing to do: move on. Sure, you can try to change his ways or manipulate him into dumping his girlfriend or pull out any number of other conniving tricks, but really, isn’t it just simpler to get over it?

It’s not like you’ve dated the guy for years and he’s suddenly run off with another chick and bid you goodbye without even a kiss. It’s not like the two of you have some cosmic connection that’s absolutely undeniable. Even if you think he’s your dream guy, odds are that he’s not—after all, if he was, don’t you think he’d be a bit more tempted to accept your offer of a date?

I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to convince a guy to go out with you. I said no to my now-boyfriend probably ten times over a period of three days before I finally relented and said, “YES, I’ll go out with you, now leave me alone!” And hey, it worked out for us.

So if you feel like it’s really meant to be, go for it—but don’t be surprised if you end up alienating the guy instead of charming him. If you want to salvage a friendship, cut your losses and move on. A guy should not dominate your existence, so hold your head up and remember—it’s his loss.

[Image courtesy of d-addicts.com.]