Lesson 31: You May Not Be Better Off Without Him…But You Will Be.

No girl is “better off” heartbroken. And yet when you find yourself newly single attending your first mostly-couples party disappointingly sober, the frenemy you wish was just your enemy drops her not-so-consoling version of a consolation for your breakup – “You’re better off without him,” she says and you cant help but want to punch her.

Too often women tell other women they are better off without the man who they’ve recently split from and every time, I can’t help but wonder if they’d still say that if the man who’d just left me had cured cancer or spent his free time saving baby animals from oil spills. Out of habit we tell our girlfriends that they’re better off without their exes not really considering what a statement like that means.

Good intentions aside, something about hearing “you’re better off without him” never really makes you believe it. Unless your ex was a drug-dealing, lying-and-cheating, animal-hating hoodlum, chances are there were parts of your relationship with him that made you happy. Give yourself some credit by giving him some credit. Hearing the words “you’re better off” feels anything but warm when the guy you’re no longer with is actually an amazing person. Maybe your relationship made you a better person and it seems unfitting that you would take away from all that you cherished in the relationship to give in to this whole “better off without him” theory. Not to mention, you’ve got to wonder if there’s someone out there telling your ex that he’s better off without you.

It’s hard to believe you truly are better off without a guy when you’re spending your first few days post-breakup wearing one of his button-down shirts you refuse to give back, unable to leave the comfort of your bed’s comforter. You don’t have to be “better off” to get over a breakup.

There’s nothing eloquent about a breakup so naturally there’s no eloquent way to describe them – breakups suck, period. We’ll tell ourselves anything and everything to get over them but how much of what we try to believe really makes a difference? Why not instead just accept that you won’t feel better off and that you’ll just have to mourn what used to be for a while? Since not all great relationships have great endings, make your own.

Instead of telling you “you’re better off without him,” your friends (or frenemies) should be telling you “it’ll get better in time.” Focus your post-breakup days on healing as opposed to being “better off.” Don’t burden yourself with the daunting task of trying to ignore that you were ever part of a relationship, that you ever shared your life with a guy who decided he didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Somehow trying to forget something reminds you of it more so if you miss him, accept it and understand that missing someone, while bothersome, is not enough to put your life on hold.

As flattering as it is to believe the women in our lives when they take our sides, saying we’re better off without the men who left us, that they were no good anyway, is simply illogical. Our exes can be our exes and still be good people and more importantly, we can, in time, learn to live without them. Take the parts you love and miss of the relationship, whether it’s fairly life-changing like a sunnier disposition or something as small as remembering to turn the lights off when you leave a room, and each day make an effort to incorporate them in your newly single life.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 30 rules of the Single Girl Society

Lesson 19: Get Your Mind Off Heartbreak

Just like your mother told you to get your mind out of the gutter, this week, I’m spitting the same advice with a little single girl twist, of course. It’s time to get your mind off the single world version of the “gutter,” heartbreak. So much of our time as single women is spent wondering about heartbreak, whether it was in the past or whether it’s a potential outcome.

Every time we so much as meet a guy, without fail, we routinely pause to consider all the causes of potential heartbreak before we’re even dating him. We sit down with our girlfriends, keep his Facebook profile on standby and analyze the situation, coming up with reasons why it could never work before it has the chance to even become something to begin with. All of which would never be possible if our minds weren’t so clouded with this looming threat of heartbreak.

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After months of studying and working my post-grad ass off for the LSAT, I finally got my score. After weeks of waiting and anxious e-mail checking (I had to remove email messages from my Blackberry because every time my phone lit up or beeped, my heart would stop), the message letting me know whether or not I’d be able to apply to the schools I’m interested in or not appeared. As the message sat in my inbox, I took a deep breath to see the reality of what I’ve worked so hard for.

And instantly, I felt disappointed.  See, because I have student loans from undergrad, I am very cautious about paying for law school. In order to combat massive amounts of student loans, my goal was to go to law school with the bulk of my expenses paid for or a full-scholarship. Depending on what law school you want to go to, the option of a scholarship could be determined by one to two points. And unfortunately, where I want to be and the amount of money I want is not a reality right now. Talk about a cold hard slap in the face!

With months of dedicated LSAT studying behind me, I feel discouraged. If money wasn’t an issue, I would just dust myself off, suck it up, take the test again and not worry about the outcome or the prospective costs. However, money to pay for school is the end-all-be-all for me right now (you know, unless I win the lottery or the Publisher’s Clearing House comes to my place with a big check and balloons). It sucks, but hey, a girl has to look at the big picture and consider everything.

A lot of people feel the liberty to say “told you so” to me right now. However, feeling a setback from the score doesn’t surprise me like some may think. My goals and scholarship options were set very high. I went into this knowing the very specific set scores for different schools and what it would take to get the money I need. Trust me, it’s been on my mind for months.

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I’m pretty sure we’ve already established that when it comes to college, formal relationships are a rare thing.  Between texting, sexting, late night hookups, and romantic runs for drunk food, it can be hard to tell when even the collegiate equivalent of a relationship begins.  And if you can’t mark the start of something, how on earth are you supposed to recognize the end?

I’ve seen and and you have, too. Those friends who just can’t let go of the absolute coolest guy they’ve ever met ever, ever. And to us, it’s obvious he doesn’t quite reciprocate those feelings. He’s dodgy, indifferent, cold… But our girls just don’t seem to get it.

Well, fear not.  I’m about to break down for you, and everyone who needs it: the ultimate red flags that a guy’s simply, for lack of a better phrase, done with you.

Evasive Maneuvers
Suddenly texts go unanswered.  You’re more familiar with his voicemail than with his actual voice.  His friends claim that he’s “Just, like, really busy.  I don’t know.”  He waves back on campus, but only from a distance and never approaches you first.  You’d be shocked at how many girls can rationalize this type of sketchy behavior.

“Plus One” Doesn’t Mean Plus You
Formals, mountain weekends, tailgates, mixers.  Think your invite got lost in the mail?  Think again.

He Introduces You as a Friend
Not just to his parents, but to everyone.  And if he suddenly starts treating you like one of the guys it’s not because he’s just totally comfortable with you.  It’s because he doesn’t give a crap about impressing you because you’re dunzo in his book. Read More »

When I was 15-years-old, I had a boyfriend who I was convinced I was going to marry. No one in the world could change my mind, whether the warnings came from my mom, my best friend, or the cousin I looked up to the most. Me and this guy, we’ll call him D, were in ‘love’ – or as much in love as you can be before you’ve finished puberty. We did everything together – cuddling in the back of the school auditorium, ditching classes to hang out in the cafeteria, and ignoring the rest of our friends to make sure that we had room only for each other. We did this for four years, through high school graduation, making it through the first two years of college, and then, we stopped.

We did that whole in-between, on-again-off-again, awkward ‘It’s Complicated’ thing for another year after the actual breakup, didn’t talk to each other for a little while, sort of-kind of got back together for about five minutes, and then… it was done. It’s been almost three years since we officially ended our relationship, and I have been able to say I’ve been completely, 100% over it for almost that same amount of time. However, I know plenty of girls who have been in similar relationships, and who still aren’t over them – even though they should be. Long-term relationships, especially ones that took up most of your adolescence, are SO difficult to get over. When you’ve been going out with someone for years, they become your best friend, practically part of your family, and it’s incredibly hard to let go of someone like that. So, for all you girls out there who are still sort of not over that one guy in your life, here’s my story of how I got over my first serious boyfriend.

I wish I could say that I remember the day I felt like I was really, finally over D, but I can’t. I just remember that one month I was laying in bed crying myself to sleep with all sorts of false hope running through my head, and the next month I was going days on end without thinking about him. Maybe it was easier for me since I was the one who ended the relationship, but at the same time I don’t think that’s really true. D was everything to me for years, but I ended things because neither of us were happy. Though it still took a long time to realize that I could be happy without him. Read More »

Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Even though I’ve been technically single for almost an entire year, I’ve still been talking to my old high school boyfriend pretty regularly. I’ve still been seeing him when we’re both home on breaks, much like this girl.

We had a kind of rough break up, so I wasn’t sure if it was something that I should be doing…. Well scratch that, I knew that it was something that I shouldn’t be doing. Talking to him wasn’t the healthiest decision for my emotions. I didn’t mention it to my parents, and few of my friends from back home even knew anything that was happening. Clearly I was hiding it for a reason. Yet, despite the fact that it was a huge mistake I continued to make, at times we were basically back together.

But the whole time, I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had to stop talking to him for my own good, for my own health. Even though part of me still loved him, it reached the point where I knew I had to be done with it. All of it. I’d been leaning on him as a crutch for far too long. How would I ever really move on if he – a guy who’d been in my life for longer than I could remember – was still around? Why would I feel a need to find someone new to lean on when he was always there for me to talk to, to vent to, to snuggle up with when I was lonely?

When summer came, I took the plunge. We were both really busy and he was upset that I wasn’t going to be home for the summer, so we began talking less frequently than we had during the school year. And then one day in the beginning of June, I just didn’t text him back. Then my phone broke and I was without it for a week. I haven’t talked to him since. Read More »

This is a sad story. It begins, as most of my stories do, with me spilling coffee all over myself. I ducked into the nearest clothing store to pick up a cheap new shirt, and found myself staring at a lime-green, rhinestone-encrusted t-shirt reading “My Boyfriend Is Cuter Than Yours.” Next to it, a similar horror, this one reading “I May Be A Flirt, But My Boyfriend Likes It.” Above it, “I’m A Diva! Just Ask My Boyfriend!” Literally every single shirt on that wall featured the word “Boyfriend.” It was a perfect storm of condescending t-shirt copy. But it opened my eyes a bit.

For girls, having a relationship is not just a fun bonus – it’s practically a requirement. We’re told from birth that it is our job to make people desire us. Being single, in this light, is a violation of the Lord’s almighty commandment to girls: Thou Shalt Committedly Bone. When you break up, there are precious few resources to support your decision.

The fact is, you don’t have to be in a relationship just to be there. And, when a relationship passes, you don’t have to stop having fun. It’s just that being miserable is really easy. I have been guilty, many a time, of taking this stuff too seriously. Having salvaged just enough from these wrecks to learn something, I hereby pass down to you the cardinal sins of the heartbroken. It may not be much – but avoiding these things will, at least, allow you to emerge into your fun new single life without sacrificing your dignity. Read More »

Yesterday night, I was coming home from work and grocery shopping and I had to stop in to deposit some checks at the bank. (While I know this is a great start to a story, it gets better, I promise….) So I’m in the bank trying to figure out how to deposit checks in these new ATMs while also not crushing any eggs in the grocery bag when quite possibly the most adorable boy on the face of the planet turns around from the third ATM and asks if I’m having trouble depositing checks too.

We end up standing in the bank talking for quite a while (with occasional bouts of yelling at the ATMs). He was like my dream man: he was hot, had just graduated from Notre Dame and was in Chicago doing a teaching program in inner-city schools. He was so nice and so friendly and we discovered that we live in apartment buildings that are literally right across the street from each other. It was like the beginning of some stupid romantic comedy, but it was my real life.

And in real life, sadly, things don’t happen like they do in movies. We were walking back towards our apartments, still talking, when we saw that the light on our street was about to change to the Do Not Walk sign. I needed to get home and the light takes about 5 minutes to change (I wish I was kidding – it’s the most inconvenient thing ever) so, without thinking, I was running across the street shouting, “It was nice to meet you, bye!”

It wasn’t until I got across the street that I realized I didn’t get this wonderful boy’s name, let alone phone number, and I began to mentally kick myself. Granted, I am a big believer that if it is meant to happen, it will happen, but still – how often do you run into Mr. Perfect by an ATM? I’m gonna go with never and now I fear I’ll never see him again.

But all is not lost. Or at least I’m trying to look on the bright side of this bleak situation. Read More »

Hm. Maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

This song has been in my head for weeks, probably because perfectly describes what I’m living through. I recently broke up with my boyfriend.

Except not really.

Long-distance was not working out for us, so we tried an open relationship. When that didn’t fix anything, I ended it… two days before going to visit him for two weeks. Awkward much? I visited and we carried on like nothing had changed, promising we would start acting broken up once I left.

I’ve been home for over a month now and we still talk every day. He asked me to be his Valentine. I’m visiting over spring break, which also includes our one-year anniversary, and we’re still celebrating it. I’ve been on two dates, and each time felt like I was cheating. How could anyone call this broken up?

My situation may be especially strange, but I know many of my friends have been in similar positions. It’s hard to let go of someone, and usually that means a break up is more of a process than an event. You end things, cry, drunk dial, cry, sleep together, cry, keep sleeping together, get it together, stop sleeping together, move on. It ends up looking something like this.

And now that I’m in it, I’m confused. I know that I’m probably not going about this right, but I’m not sure what right is.

Can break up sex be right? Read More »

He's not worth that smeared lipstick, girlfriend!

It all happens so quickly.

You are out a bar/party with your girls, looking amazing, because, honestly, what CollegeCandy girl doesn’t look amazing? You see him, he sees you and – boom – you start talking. Talking turns into flirting, flirting turns into so-bad-they’re-cute pick up lines and soon he’s buying you a drink. Maybe it’s the vodka, maybe it’s the way he keeps finding an excuse to touch you’re arm, but you’re smitten and your night just got a whole lot better. The number exchange comes next and the cute-textathon begins.

He’s sweet and witty and you look forward to the daily flirtation and then – out of nowhere -  it just stops. No more morning musings. No more responses to your adorable messages. Nada.

Turns out, homeboy just isn’t that into you.

After that lovely realization comes the packages of Oreo cookies, the Friends marathons, the comfy pajama pants, and the over- analyzing.  It doesn’t matter that nothing ever really came from this; getting rejected sucks and it hurts and you really thought this guy was gonna be the guy. But you were wrong. And now you’re 3lbs heavier, lonely and hating yourself.

While getting over a guy should be as easy as getting into him, it never is. But you deserve more than nights spent alone in front of the mirror wondering what’s wrong with you. Because there’s nothing wrong with you. Remind yourself of that and follow these 5 little steps and you’ll be over that turd in no time. Read More »