Lesson 31: You May Not Be Better Off Without Him…But You Will Be.

No girl is “better off” heartbroken. And yet when you find yourself newly single attending your first mostly-couples party disappointingly sober, the frenemy you wish was just your enemy drops her not-so-consoling version of a consolation for your breakup – “You’re better off without him,” she says and you cant help but want to punch her.

Too often women tell other women they are better off without the man who they’ve recently split from and every time, I can’t help but wonder if they’d still say that if the man who’d just left me had cured cancer or spent his free time saving baby animals from oil spills. Out of habit we tell our girlfriends that they’re better off without their exes not really considering what a statement like that means.

Good intentions aside, something about hearing “you’re better off without him” never really makes you believe it. Unless your ex was a drug-dealing, lying-and-cheating, animal-hating hoodlum, chances are there were parts of your relationship with him that made you happy. Give yourself some credit by giving him some credit. Hearing the words “you’re better off” feels anything but warm when the guy you’re no longer with is actually an amazing person. Maybe your relationship made you a better person and it seems unfitting that you would take away from all that you cherished in the relationship to give in to this whole “better off without him” theory. Not to mention, you’ve got to wonder if there’s someone out there telling your ex that he’s better off without you.

It’s hard to believe you truly are better off without a guy when you’re spending your first few days post-breakup wearing one of his button-down shirts you refuse to give back, unable to leave the comfort of your bed’s comforter. You don’t have to be “better off” to get over a breakup.

There’s nothing eloquent about a breakup so naturally there’s no eloquent way to describe them – breakups suck, period. We’ll tell ourselves anything and everything to get over them but how much of what we try to believe really makes a difference? Why not instead just accept that you won’t feel better off and that you’ll just have to mourn what used to be for a while? Since not all great relationships have great endings, make your own.

Instead of telling you “you’re better off without him,” your friends (or frenemies) should be telling you “it’ll get better in time.” Focus your post-breakup days on healing as opposed to being “better off.” Don’t burden yourself with the daunting task of trying to ignore that you were ever part of a relationship, that you ever shared your life with a guy who decided he didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. Somehow trying to forget something reminds you of it more so if you miss him, accept it and understand that missing someone, while bothersome, is not enough to put your life on hold.

As flattering as it is to believe the women in our lives when they take our sides, saying we’re better off without the men who left us, that they were no good anyway, is simply illogical. Our exes can be our exes and still be good people and more importantly, we can, in time, learn to live without them. Take the parts you love and miss of the relationship, whether it’s fairly life-changing like a sunnier disposition or something as small as remembering to turn the lights off when you leave a room, and each day make an effort to incorporate them in your newly single life.

Got it? Feel empowered? Good. Now get the first 30 rules of the Single Girl Society

Lesson 19: Get Your Mind Off Heartbreak

Just like your mother told you to get your mind out of the gutter, this week, I’m spitting the same advice with a little single girl twist, of course. It’s time to get your mind off the single world version of the “gutter,” heartbreak. So much of our time as single women is spent wondering about heartbreak, whether it was in the past or whether it’s a potential outcome.

Every time we so much as meet a guy, without fail, we routinely pause to consider all the causes of potential heartbreak before we’re even dating him. We sit down with our girlfriends, keep his Facebook profile on standby and analyze the situation, coming up with reasons why it could never work before it has the chance to even become something to begin with. All of which would never be possible if our minds weren’t so clouded with this looming threat of heartbreak.

Dating is a gamble – sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes you find out he’s only dating you to steal your identity (oh wait, so that’s just me then?). If everyone knows dating is a wildly unpredictable game then why play if you plan to lose?

Most of the single girl society rules come from a foundation of empowering yourself before you involve a guy in the mix, and this rule is no exception. Don’t cheat yourself by assuming everything is going to end in a heartbroken hot mess leaving you rendered in your apartment with 13 boxes of Cadbury eggs and six cats you didn’t know you had.

One of the best ways to empower your self is to release the thoughts of heartbreak. Remember and learn from heartbreaks of the past, but don’t assume that they will come back to haunt you. If you convince yourself that your future relationships will end the same way that your past relationships did, then chances are they will. By trapping thoughts of heartbreak in your mind, you are creating a vicious cycle of relationships that end because you made them and let me tell you, the post-breakup weight loss is so not worth it.

The best way to approach heartbreak? Acknowledge that it happened in the past, learn from it but don’t assume it’s out to get you in the future. Keep brokenhearted thoughts in the back of your mind as a possibility but only on the condition that you remember it’s also a possibility that a relationship could work out.

Got it? Now get the first 18 rules of the Single Girl Society right here.

After months of studying and working my post-grad ass off for the LSAT, I finally got my score. After weeks of waiting and anxious e-mail checking (I had to remove email messages from my Blackberry because every time my phone lit up or beeped, my heart would stop), the message letting me know whether or not I’d be able to apply to the schools I’m interested in or not appeared. As the message sat in my inbox, I took a deep breath to see the reality of what I’ve worked so hard for.

And instantly, I felt disappointed.  See, because I have student loans from undergrad, I am very cautious about paying for law school. In order to combat massive amounts of student loans, my goal was to go to law school with the bulk of my expenses paid for or a full-scholarship. Depending on what law school you want to go to, the option of a scholarship could be determined by one to two points. And unfortunately, where I want to be and the amount of money I want is not a reality right now. Talk about a cold hard slap in the face!

With months of dedicated LSAT studying behind me, I feel discouraged. If money wasn’t an issue, I would just dust myself off, suck it up, take the test again and not worry about the outcome or the prospective costs. However, money to pay for school is the end-all-be-all for me right now (you know, unless I win the lottery or the Publisher’s Clearing House comes to my place with a big check and balloons). It sucks, but hey, a girl has to look at the big picture and consider everything.

A lot of people feel the liberty to say “told you so” to me right now. However, feeling a setback from the score doesn’t surprise me like some may think. My goals and scholarship options were set very high. I went into this knowing the very specific set scores for different schools and what it would take to get the money I need. Trust me, it’s been on my mind for months.

To be honest, the LSAT is a beast of a test. It’s something you have to work at, and I feel confident in my ability to score where I want. But right now, I can’t help but pause. Is the universe trying to tell me something? First, the score from my December exam and now, the most recent New York Times article entitled “Is Law School A Losing Game?” Call me crazy, but I believe that things happen for a reason. Sometimes the reason doesn’t make sense initially, and well, that completely sucks at the moment, but I like to believe in the long-run it makes sense. Right now, I feel like analyzing everything before I decide my next move is key.

But just like a lot of post-grad decisions, the answers to what to do next don’t come easy. Do I want to go to law school? Yes. Do I want to add $160,000 of debt on top of my undergrad loans? Hell no. Do I want to take the LSAT again in hopes of getting what I want? Yes. But should I even have those expectations? I don’t know.

Regardless, I’ll let you guys know. With so much to look forward to in the coming months and the longer I am out of college, I know things have to look up.

Where is Charlsie going next? Where is she coming from? Get all your answers here.

I’ve seen and and you have, too. Those friends who just can’t let go of the absolute coolest guy they’ve ever met ever, ever. And to us, it’s obvious he doesn’t quite reciprocate those feelings. He’s dodgy, indifferent, cold… But our girls just don’t seem to get it.

Well, fear not.  I’m about to break down for you, and everyone who needs it: the ultimate red flags that a guy’s simply, for lack of a better phrase, done with you.

Evasive Maneuvers
Suddenly texts go unanswered.  You’re more familiar with his voicemail than with his actual voice.  His friends claim that he’s “Just, like, really busy.  I don’t know.”  He waves back on campus, but only from a distance and never approaches you first.  You’d be shocked at how many girls can rationalize this type of sketchy behavior.

“Plus One” Doesn’t Mean Plus You
Formals, mountain weekends, tailgates, mixers.  Think your invite got lost in the mail?  Think again.

He Introduces You as a Friend
Not just to his parents, but to everyone.  And if he suddenly starts treating you like one of the guys it’s not because he’s just totally comfortable with you.  It’s because he doesn’t give a crap about impressing you because you’re dunzo in his book.

No Follow Through
No, it’s not “just typical guy behavior.”  If a dude says he’ll let you know what his plans are for the football game and then never gets up with you, it’s because he’s not that into you.  Not because he forgot or lost your number or was in a horrendous car accident that destroyed his phone and left him in the hospital with amnesia.  Simple fact: when men are truly interested, they don’t play around.

He Goes MIA
He says he’s running to the bathroom and never comes back.  Suddenly you’re all alone at the bar trying to look like you’re by yourself on purpose.  Wherever he ran off to, he obviously didn’t want you coming.

His Requests Seem a Little Bizarre
Only text me after midnight and before dawn.  Don’t add me on Facebook.  I can only see you Tuesday and Wednesday afternoons.  Can’t we just go over to your place instead?  …This one’s a tricky situation.  He’s probably interested, but he’s probably also cheating.

He Refuses Sex
For no reason.  When you’re wearing your good bra.  The one that makes your boobs look amazing.  Just find someone else who can appreciate your strategically encrusted Swarovski crystals more.

“Real” relationship or not, you deserve real respect. If you have a hunch you’re not getting it, it’s time to move on.

We did that whole in-between, on-again-off-again, awkward ‘It’s Complicated’ thing for another year after the actual breakup, didn’t talk to each other for a little while, sort of-kind of got back together for about five minutes, and then… it was done. It’s been almost three years since we officially ended our relationship, and I have been able to say I’ve been completely, 100% over it for almost that same amount of time. However, I know plenty of girls who have been in similar relationships, and who still aren’t over them – even though they should be. Long-term relationships, especially ones that took up most of your adolescence, are SO difficult to get over. When you’ve been going out with someone for years, they become your best friend, practically part of your family, and it’s incredibly hard to let go of someone like that. So, for all you girls out there who are still sort of not over that one guy in your life, here’s my story of how I got over my first serious boyfriend.

I wish I could say that I remember the day I felt like I was really, finally over D, but I can’t. I just remember that one month I was laying in bed crying myself to sleep with all sorts of false hope running through my head, and the next month I was going days on end without thinking about him. Maybe it was easier for me since I was the one who ended the relationship, but at the same time I don’t think that’s really true. D was everything to me for years, but I ended things because neither of us were happy. Though it still took a long time to realize that I could be happy without him.

After our in-between year, D got a new girlfriend. And although I had been with other people, it still made me sick to my stomach to think of him with someone else (When I pictured them doing the things we did together, it made me want to throw things – and sometimes ACTUALLY throw things).  At first, I did the typical things that any ex-girlfriend does. While my friends constantly reminded me that I had been the one to end things, I stalked his Facebook, her Facebook, and the rest of his life. Until he changed his password (I’m not proud of this), I read his emails and hacked into his messages on Myspace. I picked fights with him on a daily basis, throwing every angry word and phrase I could at him to try to make him hurt as much as I did. But whenever he would say that we could get back together if I wanted, I stopped. No, I didn’t want to get back together. But did that mean I wanted him to have another girlfriend? Absolutely not.

And then one day, after wasting the morning crying about everything, I decided that was enough. I deleted him on Facebook and Myspace, I blocked him on AIM, I deleted his number from my phone, and I packed up everything in my room that reminded me of him (yes, even a very pricey diamond necklace that he gave me) and gave it to a friend. I immediately felt a huge sense of relief – the urge to torture myself looking at what he and his girlfriend wrote to each other online was nearly gone. The ability to instantly text him or call him and say mean things was gone. And it felt amazing.

Things progressed from there – besides for a few moments of (drunken) weakness, I really did cut him out of my life. I didn’t answer his texts or calls, I stopped stalking his life, and I started focusing on myself. I got a new internship, I actually paid attention in class, and I started going to the gym on a regular basis. Most importantly, and I really do think this is the biggest thing that helped me get over him, I made my friends my priority. They were my support system, always there for me no matter what time of day it was, always making me laugh even when I didn’t want to, and always talking me out of a quick drive-by of his house. I made new friends and went to new places, expanding my horizons and realizing that I didn’t need D to feel comfortable – in fact, I actually felt more comfortable without him.

My advice to any girl who is trying to get over a long-term relationship? Cut the guy out of your life, at least for a little bit. So many girls don’t want to lose the guy completely, and it’s understandable, but going into the friends zone immediately makes it way too easy to fall back into that familiar pattern of hooking up and acting like bf/gf. That’s why me and D had that one in-between year – we were trying to stay friends, and neither of us was getting over the other. It wasn’t until we spent a few months of no contact that I could move on and be happy with myself.

Today, I’m friends with one of his ex-girlfriends from after we dated. I can see him and feel nothing but a little nostalgia, and I can watch him with other girls and not feel any need to stab myself in the eye repeatedly.  Most importantly, and it sounds really corny, but I’ve gotten to know myself – and it kind of feels really great.

Sometimes it is best to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Even though I’ve been technically single for almost an entire year, I’ve still been talking to my old high school boyfriend pretty regularly. I’ve still been seeing him when we’re both home on breaks, much like this girl.

We had a kind of rough break up, so I wasn’t sure if it was something that I should be doing…. Well scratch that, I knew that it was something that I shouldn’t be doing. Talking to him wasn’t the healthiest decision for my emotions. I didn’t mention it to my parents, and few of my friends from back home even knew anything that was happening. Clearly I was hiding it for a reason. Yet, despite the fact that it was a huge mistake I continued to make, at times we were basically back together.

But the whole time, I knew what I had to do. I knew that I had to stop talking to him for my own good, for my own health. Even though part of me still loved him, it reached the point where I knew I had to be done with it. All of it. I’d been leaning on him as a crutch for far too long. How would I ever really move on if he – a guy who’d been in my life for longer than I could remember – was still around? Why would I feel a need to find someone new to lean on when he was always there for me to talk to, to vent to, to snuggle up with when I was lonely?

When summer came, I took the plunge. We were both really busy and he was upset that I wasn’t going to be home for the summer, so we began talking less frequently than we had during the school year. And then one day in the beginning of June, I just didn’t text him back. Then my phone broke and I was without it for a week. I haven’t talked to him since.

It’s been more than two months now, which is not long for some people, but a huge deal for us. It’s been hard, and I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve had to stop myself from calling or texting to tell him about something funny that happened in my day.  I deleted his number way back in June to help myself resist the temptation, but I’ve also had his number memorized since I was, like, fifteen, so it still takes a lot of self-restraint to not talk to him.

And now, for the first time since we stopped talking, I am going home for a few days. This will be my first time to go home and not see him, and I’m worried about that. It’s easy to keep myself busy and distracted when we’re states apart; out of sight, out of mind, right? But I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep my word to myself when he’s a mere five minutes away.

I just have to keep reminding myself that I am doing the right thing for me.
I’ve been strong (and more independent than ever) for two months. I refuse to crack now.

This is a sad story. It begins, as most of my stories do, with me spilling coffee all over myself. I ducked into the nearest clothing store to pick up a cheap new shirt, and found myself staring at a lime-green, rhinestone-encrusted t-shirt reading “My Boyfriend Is Cuter Than Yours.” Next to it, a similar horror, this one reading “I May Be A Flirt, But My Boyfriend Likes It.” Above it, “I’m A Diva! Just Ask My Boyfriend!” Literally every single shirt on that wall featured the word “Boyfriend.” It was a perfect storm of condescending t-shirt copy. But it opened my eyes a bit.

For girls, having a relationship is not just a fun bonus – it’s practically a requirement. We’re told from birth that it is our job to make people desire us. Being single, in this light, is a violation of the Lord’s almighty commandment to girls: Thou Shalt Committedly Bone. When you break up, there are precious few resources to support your decision.

The fact is, you don’t have to be in a relationship just to be there. And, when a relationship passes, you don’t have to stop having fun. It’s just that being miserable is really easy. I have been guilty, many a time, of taking this stuff too seriously. Having salvaged just enough from these wrecks to learn something, I hereby pass down to you the cardinal sins of the heartbroken. It may not be much – but avoiding these things will, at least, allow you to emerge into your fun new single life without sacrificing your dignity.

1. SEEING HIS/HER FRIENDS

Note the word choice. HIS friends. HER friends. YOUR friends, on the other hand, are perfectly safe. They love you, they want you to be happy, and they will take your secrets to the grave – and that “secrets to the grave” part is going to really come in handy now, because for the next few days you are going to be an embarrassment. Things are going to go down that your ex should never, ever hear about, and mutual friends must be excluded from the proceedings.

Take note: you are perfectly entitled to be ridiculous for at least one week. Personally, whenever I break up with someone, I like to invite a few of my closest friends to a drinking establishment to view a little performance art piece entitled I May Never Have Sex Again / Wow, This Bar Has Hard Floors. This piece has evolved over the years, from its early, minimal stagings (in which I huddled up on my dorm bed, whimpering “but whyyyyyy doesn’t he like meeeeeee?”), to a fuller and more complex work.

To be sure, it still centers around him not liking me (which, by the way: whyyyyyyyyyyy?), but also includes a meditation on the importance of Pat Benatar, a brief rendition of “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” a question-and-answer period focusing on the topic of whether that guy over there is hot, and, if so, whether he would do me, and a discourse on why Manhattans are TOTALLY the BEST DRINK EVER, DUDE, culminating with the inevitable realization that, yes, this bar does have hard floors, and the bar stools are surprisingly unsteady.

This is not appropriate behavior. Sobbing, chain-smoking, refusing to sleep, going without food: these are not appropriate behaviors. These are awful, disgraceful, unseemly behaviors, which also happen to be perfectly natural. Your friends will have your back here, on the condition that you get your act together eventually. Which leads us to…

2. DRINKING

You know what fixes all your feelings? Drinking! Yes, that’s right – you don’t have to be sad a minute longer, because excessive alcohol consumption will solve all your problems!

NO. NO IT WILL NOT. I just lied to you.

All right: this is the part of the article where I talk about Feeling Your Feelings. You’re going to be sad, because your circumstances are sad, and you are a human who experiences sadness. But during the whole “sad” thing, you are supposed to focus on things like healing and self-awareness and learning what you need to be happy. (No, not your ex. Your ex is a douche. I know this stuff. I have fact-checkers.) You are not supposed to be focusing on exciting new hangover-creating technology. Nor should you focus on providing free entertainment for the community via displays of drunken incompetence.

Speaking of which: incompetence. Drunk people make bad decisions. Remember your ex? The douche? Your ex was a bad decision. You really don’t need to make any more of those.

3. MAKING OUT WITH RANDOM PEOPLE

Yeah. See? A bad decision. Caused, in many cases, by drinking. Sadly, some people don’t even have that excuse. To be honest, the idea of rebound hook-ups is seductive – sex can remind you that you’re attractive, available, alive, etcetera.

Also, it fixes nothing.

When you’re over something, you know it. And you don’t do silly things like sticking your tongue into somebody else’s mouth to forget about a person if you’re over them. If your ex (douche!) is still on your mind when you are moving in for the kiss, you must stop immediately. You’re either scanning the field for a replacement, in which case you’re needy, or you’re looking for a distraction, in which case you’re emotionally unavailable.

In either case, you are no fun. No fun for the person you’re with, who will not be entertained by your amazing technicolor bullshit, and no fun for yourself – the idiot who’s being haunted by the Ghost of Douchemas Past when she should be focusing on the human being in front of her.

That said, if you meet someone cute, and you honestly find yourself responding to that person’s cuteness, rather than the fact that he or she has a pulse and a nearby apartment, then go for it. But before you do anything tragic, try to ascertain whether he or she has a) a girlfriend, b) a criminal record, or c) syphilis. If your intended answers yes to any of these questions, it’s time to call it a night.

THE STIRRING CONCLUSION

As I look back over this article, I notice that it is long, complicated, and full of pain – so, basically, it’s just like a relationship. Here’s the good news: now that it’s over, you can go on to other, better articles. Or you can go outside for a walk. Or hang out with your roommate. Or learn the mandolin. Really, there’s no limit to what you can do when this article ends. It’s a chance to start over. Just remember: I’ll always be grateful for the good times we had.

Also, I want my CDs back.

We end up standing in the bank talking for quite a while (with occasional bouts of yelling at the ATMs). He was like my dream man: he was hot, had just graduated from Notre Dame and was in Chicago doing a teaching program in inner-city schools. He was so nice and so friendly and we discovered that we live in apartment buildings that are literally right across the street from each other. It was like the beginning of some stupid romantic comedy, but it was my real life.

And in real life, sadly, things don’t happen like they do in movies. We were walking back towards our apartments, still talking, when we saw that the light on our street was about to change to the Do Not Walk sign. I needed to get home and the light takes about 5 minutes to change (I wish I was kidding – it’s the most inconvenient thing ever) so, without thinking, I was running across the street shouting, “It was nice to meet you, bye!”

It wasn’t until I got across the street that I realized I didn’t get this wonderful boy’s name, let alone phone number, and I began to mentally kick myself. Granted, I am a big believer that if it is meant to happen, it will happen, but still – how often do you run into Mr. Perfect by an ATM? I’m gonna go with never and now I fear I’ll never see him again.

But all is not lost. Or at least I’m trying to look on the bright side of this bleak situation.

The truth is, lately I’ve had this bizarre, irrational fear that I will never fall in love again. I know that it isn’t necessarily the most logical fear to have, but I can’t help it. I know that is why it has been hard for me to completely cut off ties with my old high school boyfriend; I’m afraid I will never be at the same place with someone else that I was with him. I can’t picture being that crazy giddy in love with anyone besides him, especially considering my bad luck in love since our break up.

But running into my mystery boy yesterday was the perfect reminder that there are SO many boys in this world, and so many more that I don’t even know exist yet. I may not have found my new love just yet, but I did, oh so randomly, find a boy that gave me butterflies in my stomach, and that’s all at once exciting and a major relief.

So while I did not get his number (but I’m holding out hope/planning another bank trip next week at the same time….), I do appreciate the knowledge that I can find someone who makes me swoon once again. And with that in mine, let’s start this weekend off with a toast to all the boys we have yet to meet, wherever they may be.

Oh and hell, while you’re at it, send a toast mystery boy’s way so that we run into each other again.

Hm. Maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

This song has been in my head for weeks, probably because perfectly describes what I’m living through. I recently broke up with my boyfriend.

Except not really.

Long-distance was not working out for us, so we tried an open relationship. When that didn’t fix anything, I ended it… two days before going to visit him for two weeks. Awkward much? I visited and we carried on like nothing had changed, promising we would start acting broken up once I left.

I’ve been home for over a month now and we still talk every day. He asked me to be his Valentine. I’m visiting over spring break, which also includes our one-year anniversary, and we’re still celebrating it. I’ve been on two dates, and each time felt like I was cheating. How could anyone call this broken up?

My situation may be especially strange, but I know many of my friends have been in similar positions. It’s hard to let go of someone, and usually that means a break up is more of a process than an event. You end things, cry, drunk dial, cry, sleep together, cry, keep sleeping together, get it together, stop sleeping together, move on. It ends up looking something like this.

And now that I’m in it, I’m confused. I know that I’m probably not going about this right, but I’m not sure what right is.

Can break up sex be right?

What do you girls (and guys) think of sex with a recent ex? Is it a normal part of the break up process? A good way to get closure? An immature means of trying to hang on to the past? A sign of a deep fear of being alone?

I personally think it varies for everyone. I have friends that have had break-up sex once, then moved on and never looked back. I’ve also had friends that have kept sleeping with someone who broke their heart hoping he would change his mind. How do you know which one you’ll end up being?

This is one topic I’m just not an expert on, so I’ll leave it up to you guys to debate in the comments.

Break-up sex: good or bad?

He's not worth that smeared lipstick, girlfriend!

It all happens so quickly.

You are out a bar/party with your girls, looking amazing, because, honestly, what CollegeCandy girl doesn’t look amazing? You see him, he sees you and – boom – you start talking. Talking turns into flirting, flirting turns into so-bad-they’re-cute pick up lines and soon he’s buying you a drink. Maybe it’s the vodka, maybe it’s the way he keeps finding an excuse to touch you’re arm, but you’re smitten and your night just got a whole lot better. The number exchange comes next and the cute-textathon begins.

He’s sweet and witty and you look forward to the daily flirtation and then – out of nowhere -  it just stops. No more morning musings. No more responses to your adorable messages. Nada.

Turns out, homeboy just isn’t that into you.

After that lovely realization comes the packages of Oreo cookies, the Friends marathons, the comfy pajama pants, and the over- analyzing.  It doesn’t matter that nothing ever really came from this; getting rejected sucks and it hurts and you really thought this guy was gonna be the guy. But you were wrong. And now you’re 3lbs heavier, lonely and hating yourself.

While getting over a guy should be as easy as getting into him, it never is. But you deserve more than nights spent alone in front of the mirror wondering what’s wrong with you. Because there’s nothing wrong with you. Remind yourself of that and follow these 5 little steps and you’ll be over that turd in no time.

1. “Delete Him”-   This is challenging because in some instances, and almost all of mine, we all hold onto the hope that it might just work out. That he’s been super busy and just hasn’t had time to send a text or two. But let’s be real: it won’t, he’s not, and you must, as hard as it is, delete him from your life. That means cell phone, Facebook, gchat, etc. All of it. Get rid of him. Don’t leave yourself any opportunity for a drunk dial/text/very public Facebook wall post.

2. “Replace Him”- Get the speakers out and turn up Beyonce. Remember, “you can have another him in a minute.” He’s nothing special, and he is definitely replaceable. You’re in college, honey; there are plenty of really attractive and intelligent fish out there, so jump back into that pond.

3. “If he didn’t have time for you, don’t give him time.”- Stop sitting around and pondering the details. Gather up your friends, go out and have fun. Distraction is the best way to move on, and all the time you waste thinking about him is all potential time you could be using to find someone who will return your calls.

4. “Refocus on You.”- Throughout every boy chase, I feel like girls always lose focus of who they are.  Remember that you were awesome before him, and you will be after him. Stand in front of the mirror and remind yourself of all your good qualities, rediscover what makes you happy and do it.

5. “Make a hate list”- It’s okay to be bitter for a bit. In fact, hate is a very important part of getting over someone. Take out some paper and make a list of his less than finer qualities. Be brutal. It will not only make you feel really good, but you now have a working list of things to avoid in the future.

We only have 4 years in college (Editor’s Note: Trust me, it goes by way too fast!) and it is not OK to waste most of that pining away for a guy who’s not worth it. So get him out of your phone and out of your mind fast. It is possible.