It’s the end of an era. After 6 seasons of fake drama, long and uncomfortable staring, and fights over cocktails that no one seems to pay for, The Hills is coming to an end tonight. There are many rumors surrounding tonight’s one-hour episode, like whether Speidi will make an appearance, if LC will show up and if Audrina and JB will get back together. I don’t know what is going to happen but after watching 101 episodes of the show, I know one thing for sure: nothing is really going to happen at all.

Still, just knowing that the final episode of The Hills is a mere 6 hours away has me all torn up inside. It’s like saying goodbye to your best friends on the last day of sleep away camp. Or packing up at the end of freshman year. I’m sad.  I’ve known The Hills kids for longer than some of my friends. We’ve been through so much together, from LC and Jason’s epic break-up to Whitney’s departure to New York to the crash and burning of Lauren and Heidi’s relationship. And now, after 40 minutes of “drama”, 20 minutes of commercials, and an aftershow with those two really annoying MTV people, it’s just going to end. And I’ll be left with nothing but a gaping hole in my heart and nothing to watch on Tuesday nights.

The only thing getting me through this time of heartache and pain is the hope that, in true MTV fashion, one or more of our favorite Hills cast members will get a spin-off. And if that’s the case, I have an idea of what those shows will be: Read More »

There’s not much to say about the 99^th episode of The Hills.

Audrina broke up with Ryan. Allie and Kristin had a fight at a club. The group went boating. And Justin Bobby came.

And that’s it.

Honestly, if it weren’t for the awkward break-up scene between Ryan (Cabrera) and Audrina, there would really be nothing worth talking about. Thankfully, these two had the most vague and pointless conversation in The Hills history (and that’s saying a lot), which made this episode worth sitting through. Tweedle Double D and Tweedle Spiky hair said a whole lot of words (presumably to fill up the time usually allocated to Speidi), but said nothing at all.

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to understand what was really going on though: Read More »

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach. Read More »

It took every fiber of my being not to fall asleep during last night’s episode of The Hills. And not because I only slept for four hours on Monday night after an outdoor beer pong tournament went a little longer than expected. That sh*t was just boring. Boooooring. I swear, an 8am Bio lecture would have been more riveting than whatever happened (or did not happen) on The Hills.

Not that I shouldn’t have expected it. When the show started with Kristin and Stacy talking in a salon while two random stylists just sorta moved their hair around, I should have known I was in for a snoozer.

Now that Speidi’s out of the picture (and busy with their “divorce”), MTV’s really scraping the bottom of the drama barrel. You know you’ve got problems when the return of Justin Bobby and his combat boots is the most exciting thing going on. It seems those producers searched high and low for an exciting storyline to round out the final season…. And then gave up. I can only imagine what that production meeting was like. Read More »

As we all know (hopefully), life in our twenties is not anything like that portrayed on The Hills. We will not be living in our own mansions or beach houses when we graduate college. We will not have closets full of Louboutins or friends with private airplanes. We will not spend our days eating at the finest restaurants and awkwardly staring at our friends across the table as Top 40 music plays in the background.

The show is just not real and it’s nearly impossible for anyone watching to relate to the lives those girls lead.

But for the first time last night, when Kristin and Stacie went on their man hunt, I actually did. Sure, Kristin was wearing designer clothes I’d never be able to afford and was drinking white wine at the bar (something I’d never do), but I finally felt like I could identify with her. I know I’ve had plenty of those nights where I make it my mission to get out there and find new boys. I put on my hottest outfit, add a little volumizer to my hair and prepare myself for a night filled with crowds of hot guys buying me drinks. Only, when the night actually happens, I end up sitting in the corner with my girls eying the door in hopes that someone hot will walk through it… and the only guys talking to me are the weirdos or the super old creepers who smell like body odor. Read More »

OK. One question: where were Spencer and Heidi on last night’s episode of The Hills? I kept waiting for them to show up at the bar, sit down with Stephanie and Lo on their double date, and pop out of the couch cushions with some healing crystals when Kristin and Brody duked it out. But they were nowhere to be found.

Did they roadtrip to Mexico to get Heidi bigger boobs?
Go on a retreat where they sacrificed baby goats in the name of their new cult leader?
Kidnap Enzo and hide out in their house until Us Weekly promised them another cover?

The show just wasn’t the same without them. Sure, watching Kristin fail miserably at this whole “I’m really cool and I totally don’t want a relationship with Brody” facade was fun to watch, but it would have been way better if Spencer was there to slam some doors and perform healing breathing exercises. And watching Heidi try to emote would have been far more entertaining than watching Brody stir up the drama pot by throwing his new chicadee (a brunette LC look-alike) into a boiling pool of bitch. Read More »

Does that look like a man who would kill you? Why, yes, yes it does.

Um. Wow. I’ve been sitting here for ten minutes and I have no idea what the eff just happened on The Hills. And I watched it twice. All I know is I am enraged, so I’m gonna do like Heidi says (which is actually the only thing robot Heidi says) and take a breath.

Anyone got some giant rocks I can hang around my neck/rub on my face?

What the eff happened to Spencer Pratt? Yes, the kid was a huge assface for the first 5 seasons of The Hills, but homeboy has gone absolutely nuts. I wonder if there’s some connection between the length of his hair and his hormone levels? It seems the bigger his fro the more he screams. To be honest, I’m not really sure why everyone is so worried about terrorism in this country when this guy is roaming free.

I swear, I watched Enzo’s birthday party with a blanket up to my face, afraid that Spencer would crack at any moment, kill that poor little lamb he had coaxed onto his lap and shove his cute little head into Holly Montag’s bed. Either that, or he’d somehow convince that elephant (?!) to eat Enzo.

I won’t even get into the fact that Heidi and Spencer threw a birthday party for a bunch of 7-year-olds, or how appropriate a circus theme was for the two biggest circus freaks on the planet. Nor will I discuss how Brody and the boys actually went (“I barely know Enzo.”) or how it was the most fun Spencer’s had in a long time. I merely want to talk about how Spencer sat there and had a Britney Spears meltdown and Heidi just sat next to him and let it happen.

“Take a breath” she says. Because inhaling a little oxygen is going to somehow fix this douchebag and get him to stop verbally raping (his words, not mine) her mom and sister on national television. Read More »

"Am I smiling?"

After catching wind (note: different than breaking wind) that The Hills is dunzo after this season, I’ve been having a tough time making it through the day. Which is why I was jumping for joy when I read a little gossip about some drama on the set!! Apparently Heidi Montag decided to shake things up a bit and create some authentic dramz!

Over the weekend at a photo shoot for the show, Heidi and her jugs showed up with four bodyguards in tow. Yes, four.

I don’t even think Kirsti Alley totes around that many big men, and she is twice the size as Ms. Montag. Hell, even Chris Brown has less security and lord knows the world wants to beat the crap out of him.

I’m not sure why Heidi felt the need for so much muscle, but I imagine it has something to do with her new investment pieces. She needs one brawny man for each boob and the other two because, well, who wouldn’t pummel that plastic face if given the chance? So it’s simple – Heidi must have needed the protection. So why was Kristin Cavallari – ice princess with a star tattoo where her heart’s supposed to be – get all upset about it? Shouldn’t she want to protect her friend’s assets? Read More »

Did you guys tune into the ten minute (already infamous) Lady Gaga and Beyonce video for “Telephone?”  I know I did, and that shiz was cah-razy.  Two days upon debuting on You Tube,  the video has racked in 13 million views, and there are already rumors flying of MTV banning the video from their network.

Too risky for you, MTV? A little too much butt cheek?

Wait a good minute; how is this video any worse than an episode of The Real World? Those crazy kids might not be wrapped in caution tape, but they’ve been getting belligerently drunk/starting brawls/effing in the hot tub for almost 20 years now. And that stuff is reality. Although the video for “Telephone” provides a blunt message wrapped in some pretty risque outfits, it isn’t real. Therefore, is the Gaga video really all that bad? Read More »

It looks like America’s favorite Guidos and Guidettes want to be remembered for more than just GTL, fist-pumping and grenades. Now this Slammin’, Sausage Eatin’ Seven is branching out into the business world.  We’ve all heard about J-Woww’s clothing line, and now The Situation is also trying to cash in on his fame.  I know I’m not the only one who’d never purchase anything from J-Woww designs (unless it was for the Jersey Shore themed parties that are becoming so popular on campus), and I can’t imagine a Mike Sorrentino cologne being any more desirable.

The Situation wants his scent to smell like money. Yes, money. But when I think of El Situacion, the first scent that comes to mind is a gross combination of tanning oil, gym sweat, and herpes. Vom.  I mean, is there really a market for guys that want to smell like a douche bag?

And what’s next? A hair product line by Pauly D? Brass knuckles by Ronnie? A Snooki pickle line?

I’m all about making the big bucks, but maybe these Guidos should stick to what they know best: selling t-shirts and smushing women on the boardwalk.