"I don't know her. Seriously, I don't know this woman."

While waiting at JFK for my ride not too long ago, I was passing the time by sipping on some much needed coffee and people watching. Airports, with their mix of cultures and characters, are the best places to people watch.

All was going well until…out of nowhere…I saw it: a fanny pack.

I fought hard to keep that mini bag of in-flight pretzels down as I watched the dreadful fanny pack pass by. I just couldn’t understand it; fanny packs have been publicly bashed since the early ’90s, why do people insist on wearing them?

But fanny packs aren’t alone. There are so many fashion choices that people make that leave me wondering, WTF?! Sure, these things were cool 6 seasons ago, but time is a-passing, honey. Come join me in 2009.

Fanny Packs

I get that they’re useful, but a purse is just as effective. Fanny packs have been ripped on since as long as I can remember, so why are they still being produced? Those people should be fined for distributing such fashion atrocities.

Reverse-fit Mom Jeans

What’s worse than a fanny pack? A fanny pack over reverse -fit Mom jeans. I know you know exactly what I’m talking about: wide on the top, tapered on the bottom, reminiscent of Hammer Pants. They were a mom’s answer to jeans back in the early 90s, but fashion has evolved since then. There are no excuses. None.

Scrunchies

Scrunchies are OK for one thing and one thing only: washing your face. Yet even after Carrie Bradshaw announced the nation’s disdain for scrunchies to anyone with HBO, people are still wearing these things out of the house. Are you people gluttons for punishment!?

Popped Collars

Popped collars were all the rage in 2005, meant to signify some sort of “I’m the sh*t” attitude. But it’s 2009 now, people, and everyone knows the only thing a popped collar signifies is a major douche bag. Yet the douche bags of the world are still starching and layering those things. When will they learn?

The Rocket Dog Wedge Flip Flop

The women still rocking these beasts 1) are fashion morons or, 2) love when their legs look totally stumpy. Either way, these things should be burned.

The Mullet

Business in the front, party in the back. Great concept, horrible style. Much like the fanny pack, the mullet has undergone much controversy and bashing, yet there are those who still insist on rocking this party-gone-awry. If you want to look like a carnie, fine. There is clearly nothing we can do as a people to eradicate the mullet from our lives.

Can you think of any others?

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list.

“Gym or TV?”
“Jeans or dress?”
“Save money or buy a new iPhone?”

So when we are constantly faced with the awful decision of which fame whore couple is more fame whorey, we make a list. No, this isn’t Sophie’s choice, but it’s our choice and it’s hard.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two “celebrity” couples that spend their days on the cover of every tabloid on earth. Which couple should have kept the cameras out of their lives? Do we really have to choose?!

Reality Show:

Spencer & Heidi: Speidi’s love for one another (and the limelight) blossomed into the barf-atrocious state it is in today on The Hills. Their daily lives – spent shopping, staring at each other, and making out – are “documented” as they navigate life in L.A.  And if a not-so-reality show on MTV isn’t low enough for this fame whorey couple, they are now about to star in I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here on NBC. Because silicon and Botox fit in really well in the middle of the jungle.

Jon & Kate: Jon and Kate were two normal parents with 8 kids before TLC tapped them for their mega-hit, Jon and Kate Plus 8. The show chronicles the life of two very busy parents as they raise their adorable litter and deal with major life milestones: walking, talking, first day of school, etc.

Point: Speidi. Not only is The Hills a total waste of 22 minutes of sleeping time on Monday nights, but they don’t have 8 adorable little Asian/American nuggets running around.

Makeover:

Spencer & Heidi: It’s no secret that Heidi’s had a little (or a ton of) work done. The girl’s body has a silicon to real body parts ratio of 4:1. Lips: fake. Nose: fake. Boobs: faaaaake. Oh, and let us not forget the platinum hair extensions and press-on nails. Fake, fake, fake.

Jon and Kate: It is no secret to any Jon and Kate fan that Ms. Gosselin has gone through a few changes over the years. While she was once a Middle America mom with zero fashion sense and a lot of extra tummy skin, Kate has turned into a lean, mean, fashion machine. First a tummy tuck and a few highlights, now a backwards mullet and a closet full of the latest fashions.

Point: Speidi. At least Kate’s makeover was an improvement…

Tabloids

Spencer & Heidi: Do we even need to go there? These two spend their lives calling the paps, then hamming it up when they arrive. It wouldn’t be a normal week if there weren’t some cheesy photo of these two kissing in the pages.

Jon & Kate: The Gosselins have been on 9 tabloid covers in the past two weeks. And for a couple who wants to remain private, they sure seem to be open to sitting down for interviews with anyone who will listen. Then bitch when the media talks about ‘em.

Point: Jon and Kate. Though we all pray for a week where Spencer and Heidi aren’t making out in our favorite glossy mag, they don’t pretend to hate the media attention. In fact, they make it quite clear just how much they love it.

Ex-Friends

Spencer & Heidi: Spencer and Heidi lost a lot of friends as they moved to their little island of love. First LC, then Brody Jenner, these two are now all by their lonesome (except for that weird dude with the mustache that Spence hangs out with).

Jon & Kate: We’re sure Jon and Kate made lots of friends once they got their own show, but none of that matters when Aunt Jody turns on ya. Not only was she a huge help to Jon and Kate when they needed a little babysitting help, but she’s family! And now she’s family who’s selling her Jon and Kate secrets to the media.

Point: Jon and Kate. No one is really missing out when LC isn’t in their life, but family? Now that’s bad.

Loooove

Spencer & Heidi: Heidi and Spencer love each other so much they got engaged twice (ok, once was with some fake-ass ring, but it’s the thought that counts, right?)  and married twice (ok, so one time didn’t count, but it did in their hearts!). This duo can’t keep their hands off of each other, especially when cameras are around.

Jon & Kate: They totally love each other. They even went to Hawaii to renew their vows and prove their love and dedication to the children. And Kate is always showing how much she hearts Jon by slapping him around, yelling at him and cutting him off whenever he attempts to talk. Now that’s love!

Point: Speidi. Love eac hother in private, people. We don’t wanna see it.

And the Celebretard Couple of the Week Is: Speidi! Though who didn’t see that one coming? Here’s hoping that jungle eats them alive…

It most definitely it ugly Christmas sweaters.

Seriously, I die. They are like the mullets of holiday season: everyone knows that people make fun of them, but they never go away. Why? Is there a secret love of sequins I didn’t know about? I think it’s because I am always such a good girl every year and someone upstairs knows exactly how to repay me.

I know I am not alone in my love for overly adorned sweatervests, mostly because there were 3 other Ugly Sweater Pub Crawls happening on the very same day I took mine (see photo below). And because I saw a whole slew of them in the window at Talbots. And, the best reason of all, because someone created this amazingly awesome website where you can make your very own Christmas sweater!

Score! This is even better than finding those gems at the Salvation Army… and it doesn’t smell nearly as musty. The possibilities are endless! Choose your style (crewneck, sweatervest, or cardigan) and then throw as much Christmas crap as you can on there! Sure, it looks a little overdone, but I am pretty sure I saw this exact sweater at the thrift store when I was shopping.

You got some ugly sweaters? Send your pictures to Lauren@collegecandy.com and we’ll post em right here for everyone to love.

Freud was right. We’re all gross.

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Are you ready for some “deep” Vampires?

Treat that sex addiction

Our dreams have come true: Josh Hartnett has a sex tape.

To give you a little background, it all started in 2002 when music critic Jim DeRogatis was given a video by a currently unnamed source featuring what appeared to be R. Kelly giving an allegedly underage girl money, then getting a BJ from her, having sex with her, and pissing on her. DeRogatis broke the story in the Chicago Sun-Times, and shortly thereafter R. Kelly was charged with soliciting a minor for child pornography, seven counts of videotaping the acts, and seven counts of producing child pornography. Now, six years after the initial indictment, the trial has begun and it’s like the sexy remix of the O.J. Simpson trial.

Proceedings began in late May with a viewing of the tape so the jurors could see exactly what they’re working with. What they saw was a half hour long video featuring a man that looks a hell of a lot like R. Kelly and a girl that looks a hell of a lot like the alleged victim doing things that are definitely not legal for a 31-year-old man and a 14-year-old girl to do together. However, both Kelly and the girl claim that the individuals in the video are not them, and the defense’s major claim is that the tape is part of an elaborate scheme by the girl’s family to extort money from the singer.

The interesting thing about this claim is that not all of the members of the victim’s family can agree that the girl on the tape is her. While Shonna, Leroy, and Charlotte Edwards (uncle, cousin, and aunt, respectively) deny that the girl on the tape is the alleged victim, four other relatives, including Stephanie “Sparkle” Edwards, a former protégé of Kelly’s, say that their relative and the girl on the tape are most certainly one in the same. This allegation is also backed up by the girl’s former BFF Simha Jamison (who, BTW, said she recognized the girl on the video by her mullet haircut) and by Lisa Van Allen, who claims that she was involved in numerous videotaped threesomes with Kelly and the victim.

Kelly’s former assistant Lindsay Perryman also identified the alleged victim as the girl in the video, and the man as her employer. She said she recognized the girl from back in the day when she would hang out at the studio after school doing her homework and babysitting the singer’s children.

And then there’s the mole.

In a few scenes, a large mole can be seen on the lower back of the man in the video – police photos of Kelly’s naked torso reveal that he has a mole on his back in the same location. While this would seem to be pretty cut and dry evidence that the man in the video is Kelly, the defense retaliated by having a forensic video expert come in and break the film down frame by frame, showing that sometimes the mole is there, and then other times it isn’t. The expert contested that the mole isn’t a mole at all, but rather an “artifact” from poor lighting and recording equipment.

Not convinced yet that the trial is a total madhouse? Have I mentioned that the alleged victim is Kelly’s guitarist’s daughter and the singer’s goddaughter? Or that a fan broke in to the courthouse to scream “Free R. Kelly!” at the jurors? Or that one of Kelly’s lawyers actually referenced the movie magic of the Wayans brother’s Little Man when talking about how the film footage could be doctored? If you haven’t been keeping track of this story, I suggest you start. It’s enough to make you think twice about your would-be amateur porn videos. And love for R. Kelly. And, of course, pissing on kids.

[A special thanks to celebritysmackblog.com for the awesome pic.]

Well it seems that now the most popular sites on the dubya dubya dubya are adopting my same appreciation for this historic hairdo, in what has been coined “the mullet strategy”. You love that sites like Facebook, Myspace, YouTube, HuffPost, (and uh, even CNN now?) let you comment, argue, discuss, and make creepy cyber friends, right? But have you ever noticed that you can’t get to any of that fun stuff on their opening homepage? Ah, yes, the mullet strategy in full effect.

Tricky web companies let us users have control of the site because duh, we produce the traffic, but they choose to keep their front page clean and appearing professional to keep their advertisers happy, so when Pepsi or some other corporate sponsor comes a-knockin, they’re satisfied to see their pretty little ad in a pretty little box on a pretty big webpage, with no 14-year old comment clutter nearby screeching ‘Yo GuRL! GiMme yo ASL BaYbEE! DaT Nu YouNg WeezY vId Wizzeak! LyKE Yo Pix u SeXii! fReind me thnx!’.

Smart, right? That’s big business for ya. Now if only actual mullets had a comeback… don’t tell me Uncle Jessie’s wasn’t haaaawt.