So how do you take the best profile picture to impress others and inspire conversation? OKTrends has done a significant amount of research through their online dating website about this very topic. If you want to give off a sexy or fun vibe, consider these tips:

1)  Even though women smile about 50% more than men do, this socially encouraged form of invitation isn’t the most recommended look for obtaining messages. In fact, you know that flirty lips-puffed-out look that we all hate? This is actually the number one look for women to use in order to get attention via profile picture.

Warning: This look only works with eye contact towards the camera. Flirting away from the camera was found to be the single worst profile look.

2)  Perhaps more annoying than the always prevalent flirty lips-puffed-out look is the MySpace-coy-angle shot achieved by holding a camera phone above your head and slightly to the side. These pictures always seem so desperate and pathetic, but believe it or not, they were the most popular context for female photos followed by in-bed pictures, outdoor-pictures and travel photos. Photos regarding having-fun-with-friends, drinking-alcohol and posing-with-animals were notably at the bottom of the list.

Note: Even when removing cleavage-shots, this was still the most popular pose.

3)  Just as you were about to get totally annoyed by this research, OKTrends did find one redeeming quality regarding profile pictures. Beating out the cleavage-shot and even the MySpace-coy-angle, doing something interesting in a photo, such as playing the guitar or catching a football, lead to the most conversation. Interesting photos that may or may not even include a face got many more messages than average and sparked a lot of curiosity.

So how do these tips and trends affect you and your profile picture? Are you going back to the flirty lip-puffed-out look and the MySpace-coy-angle or are you sticking to the picture of you and your cat? Either way, you may want to think twice about your picture and the image you are giving off to others. Who knows, maybe a little flirtation to the camera could lead to flirtation from someone else.

When we think of social media sites, we think of one thing: Facebook. It’s where we post out status updates, where we post our pictures, and where we have obnoxiously long, unnecessary commenting wars with our BFFs. It’s the perfect way to stay in touch, and the perfect way to procrastinate. In our eyes, it’s perfect. (Despite its many, many issues with privacy settings.)

But I’ve got news for you ladies. Facebook is not the only social media site out there. And, no, I’m not just talking about MySpace of Friendster, those sites you haven’t visited since junior high. I’m talking about up and coming, entertaining, totally worth your time, social media sites. These are my top five picks.

1. Twitter. Every girl should be on Twitter. And you don’t even have to Tweet to make it worth your while; you just have to follow. Follow who? Anyone from Charlie Sheen to the New York Times to College Candy! Your home page is constantly updated with little 140 character bits of goodness. From links to the hottest articles to what your favorite celeb ate for breakfast, Twitter has it all. With instantaneous updates!

2. LinkedIn. LinkedIn is like Facebook for adults. Except instead of friends, you have connections. Instead of listing your favorite movies, you list your skills. And your ‘about me’ section sounds more like a cover letter than it does an ad in the personals. But no, in all seriousness, LinkedIn is a great tool for networking. It allows you to create a profile that you want your employers to see, and gives you a way to keep track of all of all the people you know. It’s not only an online resume, it’s also a great way of directing a potential employer’s attention away from an old WebShots album that pops up when when you Google your name.

3. Tumblr. I’m not sure what the exact purpose of Tumblr is, but I know that my dashboard is constantly updated with lots and lots of pretty pictures which I often like to “reblog” so they show up on my profile as well. It’s like a more aesthetically pleasing Twitter, with blogs that range from PrettyFoods to PrettyBooks to ShoeLust to FYeahThingsGirlsLove, a personal favorite of mine. Give it a try. You’ll be addicted in no time.

4. BlogLovin. This is a new find of mine, but I’m already loving it. BlogLovin allows you to follow all your favorite websites on their website. Then, when you log in, it shows you all the updates you probably would have missed otherwise. It’s perfect for the girl who checks more blogs than she can keep track of, and the girl who likes being the first among her friends to share things before they go viral.

5. StumbleUpon. This appropriately named social media site presents you with random articles, videos, and pictures from a vast array of websites based on your personal preferences. They use a ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ rating system to determine the quality of their websites, and liking a website link automatically shares that website with other like-minded individuals. They call it “people driven technology.” I call it genius.

Just when I thought I’d finally broken free of my internet surfing obsession….
Heavy sigh.

We live in a social media obsessed world. There’s Facebook, Myspace, (although I wonder if anyone actually still uses it), Twitter, and many blogging platforms such as Tumblr, WordPress, and Blogger. Although we upload our pictures to Flickr and Facebook all the time or write about our weekend experiences in personal blogs, there could be a possible downside to all of this internet exposure: According to the Wall Street Journal, 85% of hiring managers Google a candidate before or after an interview. This fact, which is becoming more and more well-known, brings up the question: To blog or not to blog?

While I’m not saying that anyone who publicly posts pictures of themselves puking into a fraternity bathroom shouldn’t be a cause for concern, I am posing the question of boundaries and what and when a company should base their decision on hiring someone because of what comes up when they use Google. For example, take all the CollegeCandy contributors. Should our future bosses decline an interview with us, even though our resumes may be well qualified, simply because we once wrote an article that mentions sex or highlights the importance of birth control?

Personally, I think keeping a blog of any kind is a worthwhile venture. As a writer, I like to post things I’m interested in, things that drive me crazy, and of course, continuously write about things that matter to me (this includes everything from literary theory criticisms to the correct usage of the Real Housewives of New Jersey’s infamous phrase “prostitution whore”). However, I often worry that if I post liberal-sided articles or a picture of me enjoying a glass of wine that someone may use those things against me and blow them out of proportion one day. Despite more and more social media outlets being introduced to society on a regular basis, it seems like the idea of censorship or hiding oneself (at least the internet brand of oneself) is becoming a constant battle.

But get this – the Wall Street Journal also reports that “Recruiters and employers…routinely do online background searches on their candidates to learn more about them, as well as to filter out candidates with little or negative information about them.” So basically, it seems like our generation is damned if we do, damned if we don’t.

Imagine if you have nothing come up when your future employer Googles you. Instead of them rewarding you for that (something more and more colleges and media-outlets tell us to strive for), they pass on you because you aren’t relevant or important enough. But then, if you have an author’s page or Twitter account, something could be taken out of context or perceived as negative. What about people that disagree with this article? Could my future employer one day decline to hire me because some random commenter disagreed with me – putting me in a negative position?

It sounds crazy, I know, but it’s something that constantly comes up in the world of online writing and social media. While I understand why businesses want to search their job candidates, I think some kind of line in the sand needs to be drawn before too many well-deserving candidates are overlooked simply because they blog about Christian Louboutin’s, OPI nail polish, and Rachel Zoe instead of Wall Street, international trade, and compounding interest.

The issue of ‘to blog or not’ seems to constantly rely on personal judgment. However, personal judgment works both ways. For example, if someone is irresponsible enough to post a picture of themselves humping (see – because I used the word humping in this post, I may possibly never get a real job) a stop sign, they acted in poor judgment. Although they may personally have found it funny and did not make the picture private, their actions overwhelmingly were not in the best of judgment.

But think of it this way – what if your potential employer’s personal judgment doesn’t like your Tweet about his/her favorite restaurant, and decides that you come across as too opinionated because you simply wrote “Will not be eating at Restaurant A again.” Their personal judgment could cost you a good opportunity. The bottom line is that not everyone uses the best personal judgment from time to time (including those in hiring positions), and what one person finds offensive may not be a big deal to someone else. Should our generation have to walk on eggshells so we don’t piss anyone off with our opinions and views on the internet? Is this what it’s coming down to?

Blogger Emily Rose, a recent college graduate wrote a ballsy open post to a potential future employer on her Tumblr, after accidentally sending her blog link in her e-mail signature. Instead of cowering in fear over whether or not her employer would show no interest in her because of her personal interests explored on her blog (such as hung-over day after snap shots and mojito cupcakes), Emily wrote: “You’ll probably learn more about me from this blog than you did from my CV, which is fine. You’ve probably figured out some stuff already: like that I love animals and Africa and my family. But also, you know, sometimes I drink. And I spend a lot of time online….the result of those factors is now what’s on your monitor, and I don’t feel compelled to apologize for any of it.”

While some people may be completely appalled that she would be so open about herself like that, I think Emily is onto something. If we can’t be our true selves or represent things about ourselves in a personal manner, even in a public way such as the internet, then what does that say about society today? In conclusion of her post, Emily hits the nail on the head by writing, “I think I’m a good hire. I think I’m a good person, too. And I don’t think typing bad words or posting a picture of myself with friends at a bar blowing off some steam should affect my chances just because I’m a young person, and the lives of young people are more public and accessible than those of our parents.”

All in all, interviews, resumes, recommendations, and qualifications should remain as the most important factors in getting hired or rejected. But instead of using personal media against this generation, maybe it should be looked at a different way. With our generation riding the first wave of this Google exposure (or shall we call it overexposure?) phenomenon, it will be interesting to see what pans out. Ultimately though, I hope for the sake of our generation – we’re not looked at like this forever. Employers, writers, job applicants, and social media users of all kinds should embrace the more public and accessible use of information today, or at least set some boundaries for the years and technological advancements to come.

This is boring.

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman (unless she happens to be charging at us with her fists raised), so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like soul mates!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

Schools all over have been experimenting with social media lately – some of them getting into it and some of them encouraging their students to stay out of it. Now Harrisburg University of Science and Tech are blocking all social media from the school’s network including Facebook, Twitter, Myspace and AIM for a week. They’re not the first school to try a move like this, but my question is, is it right?

I think we’re all willing to admit that we’re maybe a little over-connected, maybe a little obsessed with our social media and it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world not to check our Twitter feeds every two minutes. I’m not striking out against the school not supporting social media – it’s their network and if they don’t want students using it that way, it’s their prerogative to block those sites. My problem is that this is an experiment. That’s right, a guy at Harrisburg saw his teen daughter juggling a lot of social media and decided to see what would happen if he took it away. Except, instead of conducting this little experiment in his home, he chose to use his position at the college to pull a social media blackout for a week. And then proceeded to tell virtually no one about it. My qualms about the experiment’s ethics aside (hello, consent?) the bigger question is, is this something the school should really be policing?

I talked a while back about school’s trying to force community policy to curb student binge drinking, and I feel much the same on this issue. Sure, we all know that we overdo it a little on the Facebook updates – just as we all know that if you can’t remember where you live when you leave the bar, it’s probably not fun party time for your liver – but is it actually our school’s business to step in and dictate this stuff for us?

OK, in this case, it’s not that the school is against social media (it is a tech school, after all) they just wanted to study the effects, so maybe that’s not so bad. And as I said, the schools should have a right to police the things that students use their network for, since they are the ones providing it. I just can’t help but get a little squirmy at the Orwellian-ness of it all; just making rules and taking things away without warning and then we all just have to live with it.

And not even have a chance to Tweet about it. Gah.

What do you say? Am I overreacting to a harmless little experiment? Or is this a much bigger issue about how school’s get involved in our lives? Duke it out!

I love you, Photo Tagger.

The writers over at The Ultimate Hatelist composed a list of the Top 10 Most Hated People on Facebook: The Constant Status Updater, Facebook Couples, People Who Post Little Pictures… Clearly, we agree with them. Those girls with the freakin’ peace-sign-and-pouty-lip pics (of course we never do that in pictures!) and the people who actually pay for Facebook gifts (you’re throwing away money on a birthday cupcake floating in cyberspace during economic times like this?!) should go back where they belong: MySpace.

But we got to thinking, and while there are those people who we want to punch right through the computer screen every time we load up our NewsFeed (read: every 4 minutes), there are also some that we truly love. Those who make our Facebook experience what it is. Those we can’t get enough of and know Facebook just wouldn’t be the same without.

The Comedian
I appreciate a witty saying every now and then, and when I sign on to Facebook to procrastinate I’d like to be greeted with a laugh, not some vague song lyric begging for attention/Facebook gifts. Which is why I love the comedian. He’s funny, he’s quick on his feet and he always has a funny status update or video posted for me to enjoy. This guy is a real pal, bringing a little happiness to hours of homework and studying.

The Girl Who Never Left Home
When you’re having one of those God awful weeks where you bombed a test, fought with your boyfriend and realized you have no idea what you want to do with your life, stalking this girl always makes you feel better. While everyone else left home only to return on holiday breaks, she’s still living in her parent’s basement, getting fat at the same deli you ate at for four years of off-campus lunch, and parties with the coolest of the cool…high school seniors. Seeing her life makes you feel a whole lot better about yours. It might be mean, but it’s true.

The Facebook Album Addict
You may not be close friends with her (and this character is always a her), but you know her well enough to end up in some of her many pictures from last night’s epic party. The same pictures she uploaded, tagged and captioned the moment she got home. At 3am. While you were out eating breadsticks. Not only do you not have to bring your camera out with you (and risk dropping it in a pitcher of beer….again), but all you have to do is log in to Facebook to see your entire college experience documented in photos instantaneously. Without the hassle of tagging yourself. What a gem.

Your Friend’s Parents
Your parents on Facebook? Annoying. Your friends’ parents on Facebook? Hilarious. You get to watch them post embarrassing comments on pictures of your friends doing keg stands (“Looks like you take after your father”) and all decked out in a little black dress (“Put some clothes on missy! Love, mom.”). And when they upload that pic of your friend squeezed between Grandma and Aunt Ruth at the family reunion? Priceless.

The Chronic Commenter
Why else do we write a status if not for other people to read it? And whether the status requires a response of laughter, consolation or congratulations, the chronic commenter always has your back. You never have to worry that your status will go unacknowledged and into the deep Status abyss; it will always be “liked” by at least one person, and sometimes, when we’re laughing to ourselves while posting it, that’s all were asking for.

The Party Girl
You thought you were fun but this girl is obviously the party queen and she has 400 albums to prove it. Maybe you think it’s annoying that she uploaded a million pictures, but I think scrolling though drunken party pics is a whole lot more entertaining than reading about Kant’s moral philosophy. So snap away, party girl, snap away. And if there are a couple pouty-face-peace-signs in there, I’ll let them go. I’m just grateful to have something to keep me from having to study.

That Bitch Who Stole Your Boyfriend
But only when that beautiful pink broken heart shows up in your NewsFeed accompanied by depressing song lyrics and vague statements about trust and pain and falling in love.

What other characters do you guys love on Facebook?

"I swear, I wasn't cheating on you."

Need some advice? Ask nicely and I’ll hook you up. Email me at tuffyluv@collegecandy.com and I’ll get back to you on the fly.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Please respond! I’m in a rough spot.

Also, this is a very long story.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We love each other very much and he is my best friend, but we have had a lot of trust issues. It all started close to a year into our relationship. I went over to his apartment one evening to hang out and he was watching football so I sat down at his computer to entertain myself with the internet. I wasn’t snooping but something in an open AIM window caught my eye. The last line of the conversation read “Wait don’t you have a girlfriend?” So being curious I read the rest of the convo. To sum the whole thing up, this chick (who he had been trying to set his good friend up with) was flirting with him and he said ” If I were to go there, or you were to come here, we would hook up. Don’t pretend like it wouldn’t happen.” And she pretty much agreed.

So after reading this I confronted him. He said that in the process of trying to hook his friend up with her, the girl developed feelings for my boyfriend and he just didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I told him  that he needed to be honest with her and tell her that he has a girlfriend and nothing was going to happen between them. I made him show me the AIM conversation in which he said this to her.

Understandably, after this incident I became intensely paranoid. So, I stole his Myspace password. Not only his Myspace password but Facebook, Yahoo, and Gmail. I know that that’s really horrible but I didn’t know what else to do because I really didn’t want to break up with him but I didn’t feel I could trust him. Everything had been fine until twice in the past month or two the girl that originally set this whole thing into motion has sent naked pictures to his Gmail.

I’m pretty much fed up with this stuff but I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to confront him about all of this. I feel just as guilty as him because of my dishonesty with stealing his PWs. Even though I know it might be the right thing to do, I don’t want to break up with him. I have invested so much in this relationship. He really is my best friend.  But trust is a key component in a relationship and I think ours has been so badly damaged it can’t ever be repaired. How do I admit to my dishonesty and is there any way to repair this? Please help.

Thanks,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Dump his lying a** and get yourself someone who doesn’t completely suck.

Look, there’s no way to fix this. He’s being completely dishonest with you, and, as you know, you’re being dishonest with him. I really doubt there’s any way back from this.

And why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone like this guy? You say you guys are best friends, but this is not a friend, honey. This is a man who flirts with other women online and accepts nude photos. If he’s doing it online, he’s doing it in person. If he hasn’t cheated on you yet (which, to be honest, I’m pretty sure he has), he’ll be doing as soon as he gets up the nerve.

You were definitely wrong to get his passwords and to look at his private information. This is not the way to have a relationship and I recommend you don’t do it in your next one.

But he was DEFINITELY wrong to carry on online relationships with these women. And he’s made no effort to stop, either! That’s the part that really grinds Tuffy’s gears. He makes up really lame excuses and then keeps right on.

Dump him, girl. He is not worth your time. This is not an investment. This is a dud.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

"Oh dear Lord have mercy. What is Melanie doing with that funnel??"

Check out this website. It’s hysterical and it’s the story. of. my. life. Every week, I write CollegeCandy’s Weekly 10 on the hard hitting issues of the moment. Issue of the week (Or maybe the issue of our generation as a whole)? Parentals on Facebook.

My mom is a very cool, tech savvy lady. She even had a Twitter before I did (and she loves to remind me of this) and is totally engrossed in Facebook. My dad also has a Facebook, but uses it much more sparingly. However, he has managed to comment on a picture of mine saying, “Look at my beautiful daughter! And smart too!” A good guy friend of mine observed that it seemed like he was trying to auction me off. Via Facebook. Let’s not even discuss the debacle when he scanned a baby picture of my sister and put it on her wall.

However, between my parents, my mom is hands-down the most Facebook happy person I know. Many of my friends add her, and she immediately accepts and writes on their wall to remind them to “eat their vegetables.” She also uses the “like” feature as if she needs it to continue breathing.

I’m sad to say that I occasionally delete what my mom says on my wall, you know, because I value my social life, but here are my 10 favorite gems thanks to good ol’ Mom.

10. ” How the heck are ya, my hard-workin’ girl??? Miss you & love you. Mommy xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxox”

9. “Miss you. Still fighting a lil’ illness. Be cool, go to school!”

8. “i didn’t think Hermione’s hemline was so short” (after seeing my Hermione Halloween costume)

7. “I’m writing this knowing full well you will delete it immediatly…sob!!! sob!!!
Sooooo, have a very happy valentine’s day anyways. I miss you and love you so very much!! You are my one and only true sweetheart!!! (written like a real valentine’s day creeper, eh? ) Mommy xoxoxoxox”

6. “Study hard!! Wear a hat – you lose 80% of your body heat through your head. Emma sez, “What up?” Don’t eat the yellow snow!!!!”
Emma is our family’s 5 pound yorkie. Awesome.

5. “how’s the educatin’ going? dean’s list this term? jafr (just a friendly reminder) from the woman who birthed you!”

4. “Gargle.“

3. “Emma asked when you are coming home…”
Again. The dog.

2. ” More like: “Facebook Breeeeeeak“

1. Upon a less than flattering picture of myself and an ex. Which everyone decided to comment on…
“ahhh, young love. you’ll grow up, you’ll learn…hopefully with no regrets!!”

With that notification sent to all 16 of my friends who made comments on that picture? I’d like to go back to Myspace now.

Melanie currently interning in NYC, taking full advantage of all margarita specials and those blonde summer boys. Stalk her on Twitter: @tinkermellie

In this digital age, we are never apart from the ones we love, at least not for too long.  With smart phones, texting, Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Skype, and SMS updates, we are just a press of a button away.  We are closer to other people than we have ever been before.  Even long distance relationships don’t seem that long-distance anymore.

But between new couples and old, is all this technology really bringing people together, or is it driving us apart?

While new technology is an awesome time-waster (among all the other fabulous things it does), the fact that it makes everyone so accessible is a little scary, not to mention the lack of mystery, chase, and boundaries between us all. We’re texting/IMing/Gchatting guys before we go out with them. And before that, we already know their favorite books, movies, quotes, hometown and birthday. We know what they’re doing, when they’re doing it… without ever asking them.

Sure, it’s OK because it’s all out there for the taking, but take a step back for a moment. Would that be OK if it required you to camp outside their dorm in a windowless van and follow them to around campus?

Yeah, it’s creepy.

I know it’s tempting to cyber stalk your crush/BF (oh boy, do I know), but maybe it’s time to take a step back from the technology. Yes, step away from the computer. Try interacting in real life; you know, like they did in the old times (1999). Ask the boy questions, experience things together (and not on AIM) and discover everything about him as you go.

And let him do the same for you. Don’t forget to take time for yourself, sans the Bberry.  Otherwise you are just a 21st century version of that annoying couple that spends every last second together and becomes one inseparable entity. He doesn’t need to know what you’re doing at every second. What he does need is a chance to miss you. Let him miss you. And let yourself miss him.

It may be hard to believe, but relationships did exist and flourish before the Newsfeed. The question is, can the same be said for after it?

Now?  Outrage has registered.

I know, I know, every time Facebook makes a change, all of us whine like three-year-olds who don’t get dessert (or 22-year-olds…) and then we end up accepting it and even loving it (I. Love. Newsfeed.).  And this change doesn’t even seem like that big a deal. Honestly, how many of us really noticed that our Facebook URL is just a bunch of numbers?  And who really cares? If people want to find me, they can use the handy-dandy search box.

But I guess some people do, because this new change will make it a lot easier to stalk search for people. Only there are two small problems:

1. Names come on a first come, first served basis. That means that once your name of choice is taken, you’re screwed. Do you know how common my name is?? I’m going to have to be one of those geeks who wait around for 12:01 am late Friday night if I want to get a URL anywhere close to my own name instead of a random selection of letters and numbers (much like what I have now…).

2. Names cannot be changed. So, unlike my AOL screen name that changed with me as I grew up, this one is more permanent than that tramp stamp my friends have on their backs.

Ah, changes like these make me think about the good old days when Facebook was only for college students and the world wasn’t alerted when I went through a painful breakup.  Now it’s pretty much the bastard love child of MySpace and Twitter. Like a cheerleader, it’s popular and pretty, but it can be such a bitch sometimes (I can say this because I was a cheerleader, so nyah).

Before I entered the world of adult dating, I didn’t really understand the importance of these factors in forming a new relationship. My lovely older sister used to lose her mind when her boyfriend (now husband)’s ex was mentioned, and I couldn’t understand why. She was history, why was the mention of her name so upsetting? I didn’t care about any of MY boyfriend’s ex-girlfriends. Of course not, they’d dated as teenagers or college students (when they were drunk most of the time, I’m sure), and topped out at a year, two at the most.

Once I joined the grown-ups, I had a new appreciation for ‘the ex’, as she became a more significant being. My boyfriend was with his ex for 8 years, and when I first found that out, the thought of her made me INSANE. Totally irrational, I know, but I’m working through it. It’s far from complete, and I’m sure it will evolve, as all things do, as I age. But for the time being, here are a few things I’ve found that help deal with this relationship reality in a healthy way.

1. Start Fresh (or, Hide The Evidence)
In any relationship, but especially long-termers, and those involving co-habitation, things accumulate. There is just…stuff. It happens, and it’s okay. Kitchen gadgets, furniture purchased together, all these need not disappear just because the co-puchaser is no longer around. But personal things? You don’t want to stumble upon a pair of women’s shoes in the back of the closet, knowing full well they’re not yours. That’s a little too much. It is certainly within your rights to ask your partner to wipe the slate clean, and make an effort to remove things directly (and obviously) connected to an ex.

But be forgiving. There was a time where I would find a book that my boyfriend had received from the aforementioned long-term ex-girlfriend, and see her name written inside with a date and sweet note, and my head would explode. It didn’t bother me because it made me think about her, it bothered me because I assumed it made HIM think about her. But was it OK for me to ask him to get rid of his favorite book just because she happened to give it to him? No. Yes, her clothes have to go, but his books do not. Pretending he or she never existed will help nothing.

2. Know What You Must – And Nothing More
The question of exes always comes up, be it as a side note in conversation or the topic itself. It’s only natural, in the process of getting to know one another. That said, learn what you must, but be careful what you ask for, and make sure you are ready to hear it. I was dying to know the details of a breakup once, because I was certain that he wasn’t telling me the whole story. It took a very, very good friend to ask me, as I agonized about whether to bring it up: “but…why?” And she was right. I didn’t need to know when she moved out, where she went, and so on, mostly because it has NOTHING to do with me and my relationship. So, lesson learned. Don’t over-pry. This ABSOLUTELY includes internet stalking. Don’t hunt them down on MySpace and Facebook! Stop it! Right now! It it a seductive prospect, and far too many people fall prey to the temptation. If you can’t ask it in person, you know it’s not a healthy activity.

3. Don’t Compare!
When dealing with a long term ex, women especially seem to have a hard time distancing themselves from certain information. Was she taller, shorter, fatter, thinner? Am I prettier than she is? Are there pictures of them on a beach in a part of the world you have always longed to go? These are not things you really need to know, nor, I imagine, do you really want to. What you want is validation that you are the best, loveliest thing that has ever entered his world. When the urge strikes for that validation, remember that you are. He’s not with her anymore – he’s with you!

4. Remember: You have Baggage Too
I have photos of old boyfriends. I have letters, and postcards, and mementos (carefully stashed away, of course). And I have friendships, many of them, with ex-boyfriends, and I am happy to have them. None of these things mean I am still in love with someone in my past. We all have exes, and they are all exes for a reason. Simple though it may seem, remembering it is the quickest way I have found to jar myself back to emotional equilibrium.

Whatever your past, whatever your partner’s past, the truth is you are together now. Appreciate your relationship for its own unique beauty, and respect the experiences that made you who you are and brought you where you are. Don’t ignore the past, but don’t live in it. My parents have been married for 30 years, and frankly, they’ve set the bar pretty high. They make jokes and kissy faces, and seem to still genuinely like each other.  And yet, over a glass of wine, as my sister and I ranted about the women who still haunted us from time to time, my mother narrowed her eyes and said “Jane Raymond.” Seems the sting never quite wears off, but it also never gets in the way.