Browse any website or bookstore and you’ll find things that defy explanation.  Really, who publishes these things?  Who thought it would be a good idea to publish guides on how to get laid more quickly?  There are enough frat boy a-holes in the world already, why create more?  Why aren’t there books on how to be more sensitive? Or, how to shut up and do what she says? (Just kidding, but you see where I’m going.)

Here is just a taste of some of the dribble out there. Beware of the boys wielding these books – things are bound to get ugly.

Copy, Paste & Bang! – This is a book, ostensibly, about making online dating work for men.  As in, making an online dating profile and getting laid within a 24-hour period.  After perusing the text and the reviews, I have come to the conclusion that this is a manual for internet predators.  The product description says it all:  “Copy, Paste & Bang! was written for one simple reason: to help regular guys meet women utilizing the Internet and to get you laid.“  Uhh…does anyone have Chris Hansen’s number?

The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists - I hate you, Mystery.  And you, Neil Strauss.  Why would you take a perfectly adorable, shy, and socially inept computer geek and turn him into a douchebag player??  What a waste of resources!!  This book promises to teach men the secrets of picking up women in as short a period of time as humanly possible.  Awesome.  This way, men don’t actually have to get to know the women they’re about to sleep with.  Saves time, no?

The Professional Bachelor Dating Guide – How to Exploit Her Inner Psycho – …because, of course, all women are psychos, even if they don’t act crazy.  This book is a doozy.  I’m gonna let the product description speak for itself here:  “Women in courting mode are phenomenal actresses; many devote their whole lives to role-playing, camouflaged appearances, and storytelling. They manipulate men by dangling potential sex to satisfy their ego, play games, or vacuum your wallet.“  You can also learn how to protect your assets and shield your salary from a potential divorce.  Score!

Player’s Handbook Volume 2:  Advanced Pickup and Seduction Secrets For Men Who Love Women & Sex (and Want More of Both) – Lucky for  men, this book teaches them how to “never be without a sex partner – and how to handle multiple sex partners at once.  How to avoid the mistakes that 99% of most make when dating multiple women.  How to end a relationship, but still receive “benefits” and “special privileges.“  Wonderful!  I always wondered where that guy I was crushing on so hard Sophomore year learned all his tricks and tips.  100 pages of glorious douchiness.  At $11.95, I’d say this book is a mega bargain.

1200 Pickup Lines – Sample pickup lines include:  “I found this [lace glove, rosary, etc] on the floor at the club last night, is it yours?  Well, if it’s not, I’d like to give it to you anyway,” and “I wanna floss with your pubic hair.”  Thank goodness no one I know owns this book, otherwise I’d be a gonner for sure.  I mean, who can stand up the massive amounts of charm contained in this little tome of 126 pages?  Not me, my friend.  Not me.

Barefoot by Elin Hilderbrand. This is beach reading at its finest; three women – one sick with cancer, one just fired after having an affair with her student and one whose husband cheated, all move to the Hamptons for the summer. Juicy, juicy.

The Other Boleyn Girl. Before you see the movie (or if you haven’t already), read this book about the tragic love affair that will suck you in and make you unable to leave the page.

Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin. This book chronicles best friends in love with the same man and how an unexpected romance changes everyones lives for the better. The best part: there’s a sequel!

Loose Girl. A Memoir of Promiscuity by Kerry Kohen. More on the sad, but touching side, this memoir chronicles the life of an adolescent female who turns to self-destruction when she has no place else to turn. After reading, it gives you hope on the choices you make in your life.

Are You There Vodka? It’s Me Chelsea by Chelsea Handler. My favorite raunchy comedian writes a book detailing her life, her messes and her love vodka. One word: Hilarious. Pick it up.

The Beach House by Jane Green. Set again in Nantucket (such a perfect setting for a beach book), an older woman rediscovers herself after being forced to rent out rooms in her house to vacationers. A feel-good book at its best. Jane Green is a fabulous author and this book is pure proof of that.

Life With My Sister Madonna by Christopher Ciccone. This goes without saying, but I’m dying to read this book. Madonna’s fame, told by her non-celeb brother, who – I’m sure – has a case of jealously towards the successful converted Brit.

Pure Romance Between the Sheets: Find Your Best Sexual Self and Enhance Your Intimate Relationship by Patty Brisben. Why not read a book this summer that can enhance (and spice up) your bedroom activities? Your man, woman (or even yourself!) will be thanking you once you read this book about finding your inner sexuality.

The Dirty Secrets Club by Meg Gardiner. If you’re a murder mystery buff, this book about a series of murder mysteries will keep you on a thrill ride to the very end.

Girls Like Us by Sheila Weller. ABC News claims this is one of the best “Sizzling Summer Reads,” about three women – Carly Simon, Carole King and Joni Mitchell – come of age in the 60s music and how, these legendary figures, are really, just girls like us.

There you have it ladies. Now, throw on that suit, grab a towel and one of these books and head for the sun!

(photo courtesy of stock.xchng)

In a dark, moderately dirtball Irish pub with adorable bartenders straight from Ireland, I am approached by a liquor promoter. He’s pretty good-looking, obviously a flirt because who else takes a job as a promoter, and so begins his attempt as he hands me a keychain:”Who do you get? Who do people always say you look like?”

I reply the truth, no one, because no one even thinks I look like myself after changing the hair. But the promoter has an opinion,

“Okay, so, you definitely don’t have some features she has, which is a good thing, but—”

Is he serious? I am intrigued by the obvious trap he is setting for himself. Why is it that dumb must always accompany pretty?

“—did you watch Blossom? I swear, you’re a post nose-job Blossom…. No, it’s a good thing!”

Was it really? I spent the rest of the evening staring at my nose in the mirror behind the bar and glaring at the promoter, who at the end of the evening thought he had a shot at seeing me at his ‘gig’ next weekend.

Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but I’ve gotten better celebrities than Blossom. Even “You’re tall,” is a better line than likening me to a questionable celeb, and that’s just stating the obvious! (Some of my guy friends have reviewed and considered the tall bit a “genius” conversation starter. Case and point, how lines like this get started and circulate.)

It seems like T-Pain’s “Buy U A Drank” has been the inspiration for the “greatness” of pickup lines lately. And by “greatness” I mean wow, it looks as though people have given up completely.

Remember the days of “I lost my number, can I have yours?” and “Are you tired? ‘Cause you’ve been running through my mind all night.”? Yes, the lines were terrible and cheesy and limited to usage by 15-year-olds, but now at least they were sort of sweet and not flat-out insulting. Now it’s just kind of obvious. “Hey… can I buy you a drink? Maybe hook up? No? Cool. Thanks.”

This sort of flirtation has got to get expensive. If you’re ever out at night and wondering why your potential hook-ups aren’t a-flockin’, maybe they literally can’t afford to be turned down again.

Shows like The Pickup Artist, and it’s horrendous host Mystery, have inspired far too many men nationwide. The I-O-I’s (indicators-of-interest, for those who aren’t savvy), the dating advice from a man who I cannot imagine ever getting laid in his life…. It’s all bringing our single scene to ruin. It also inspired my roommate’s Halloween costume.

Where have the witty, chatty single people gone? Are they all really in relationships, or have they just devoted their lives to bigger things, like alcohol promotion?

Heard any good lines lately, or wonderfully bad ones? Trust that we feel your pain… and at least we can all laugh about it together. Share some of your stories with us!

I was watching The Pick-up Artist marathon yesterday. (BTW, congratulations on winning, “Kosmo,” who seems as though he’s actually a struggling actor rather than a struggling smooth talker. Whatever he is, I’m sure he’ll be snagging all the hot women now that he’s rolling with this guy.)

Anyway, my ears perked up when one of the contestants stumbled over to a table of women and basically said, in between the stuttering and awkward silences,

“So I have this friend, and he’s dating this girl, and she found a shoe box under his bed full of pictures of his ex, and now she’s really pissed. What’s up with that?”

Let’s ignore how obnoxious it is when a strange guy interrupts your conversation at a bar to “open a set” as Mystery so maturely defines it. Snooping is not the least bit uncommon. We’ve all done it…right? So, the question is – is it wrong, or is it smart?

If you go through your boyfriend’s stuff when he’s not around, there’s obviously some kind of trust issue, sometimes warranted, sometimes not. Maybe you have some kind of feeling that there’s something fishy going on, maybe he’s really closed-off, and maybe there are obvious clues pointing out some serious shadiness.

Maybe you’re just looking for him to be this lying, cheating asshole, because, let’s face it…most men are. This iVillage survey/report reveals that women are snooping and spying everywhere, and they ain’t afraid to say it.

Technology today makes it so easy to track what your significant other has been doing (when he’s not doing you) and sometimes technology can reveal a lot – cell phone logs, past emails, texts – with the click of a button, you can get all the bare-boned information you need.

Lots of times, the female intuition is right, and cheating has certainly been taking place. Other times, there is no cheating whatsoever, and if he catches you snooping, you can come off looking like a crazy, neurotic nut bag and he will dump you – justifiably.

I know I’ve done it. I remember the first time my college boyfriend left me at his place while he went out for an hour or so. I was sitting there, alone, in his room, and for some reason, I had to look around. It was just this itch I had to scratch.

I ended up finding a box in his closet, basically dedicated to his ex – pictures of them, letters from her, little toys and crap she had given to him when they were together. I never brought it up to him, and while I knew they were no longer talking and he had every right to keep his memories with her tucked away in his closet, it always bothered me.

I regretted doing it.

Snooping is a slippery slope and there’s a fine line between whether or not you should do it. If you’re gonna do it, make sure to NOT GET CAUGHT. Sorry to reference Sex and the City, but I gotta. Remember the episode where Carrie sleeps with a guy who seems “too perfect” and when he leaves her at his place, she snoops around, gets caught and gets dumped? Pretty embarrassing, and she ended up losing a good guy.

If you’re gonna snoop, here are some helpful tips, and I know I’m going to hell for this:

Think about it first. Before you go rifling through stuff that isn’t yours, beware of the consequences. You could feel really guilty about doing it, and if you find nothing questionable, it could easily remain on your conscience and you’ll end up telling him, and he’ll probably end up dumping you. Ask yourself if he has shown you signs of shadiness. If not, then don’t get yourself into an unnecessary moral quandary. If he has……

Make sure you’re free and clear. Wait until he has left the premises. Make sure his friends/roommates are not home, and if they are, lock the bedroom door. Mua-ahh-ahh, sounds evil, but necessary.

Define freaky. Guys own porn. This we know. If you find magazines or video tapes, whatever. No big deal. If you find some weird sh*t, or some really weird sh*t, it’s not cheating, but maybe it’s something you should keep in mind. No one likes a closet freak, even if he keeps his freak in the closet.

If a guy wearing a big furry hat, black nail polish, and eyeliner thicker than yours walked up to you in a bar and threw insults your way, would you suddenly become weak-kneed and fall into his arms?

Me either.

But apparently, a lot of women do. Which is why there’s a new show on VH1 called The Pick-Up Artist, starring one of the worst dressed men I’ve ever seen in my life, Mystery.

Yes. That’s the name he wants the world to call him.

Evidently, Mystery (God, it’s so hard to type that) is one of the best Pick-Up Artists in the world (How was this decided? Was there a Pick-Up Artist Olympics?), and he wants to share his tips and tricks with a bunch of viginy losers of national television. Mystery guarantees he will change these men’s lives, while making them irresistible to the ladies.

I was only able to catch half an episode (there’s only been one so far), but from what I saw, the 8 contestants were definitely socially defunct, and Mystery and his henchmen are stuck in the 90’s (anyone who thinks a tiny soul patch and hair paint is a good idea deserves to be punched). Some of Mystery’s techniques may help his students in the long run, but I was so deeply disturbed by the man’s fashion sense that I could hardly able to concentrate on what the episode was about.

He wears a hat with fuzz on it. A hat with fuzz. On it. No matter how smooth a guy is, if he comes up to me wearing a fuzzy hat—and taking it seriously—I will not talk to him. Period. I don’t even need to know what he has to say. It’s already obvious we won’t get along.

As much as the idea of this show makes me cringe, I may just have to watch it. Simply because I must know if that hat is worn into bars with success.

In my dating experience, I have gone back and forth. After getting my heart broken by the asshole frat guy, I opted for a more conservative wholesome dude. The only problem was that I had to force myself to be attracted to the latter and eventually gave up on that after a few months. I have now settled somewhere in the middle with my current bf. Or at least I’ll keep telling myself that.

Regardless, I do think that nice guys tend to get the short end of the deal; I stumbled upon a website recently with many entertaining reasons why women tend to prefer bad guys, from a woman’s point of view.

Here are a few of my personal favorites from the list that I found funny and actually somewhat true:

“Nice guys feel so undeserving of ‘awesome you’ that they make you feel that you have, most assuredly, picked a real loser.”

“Nice guys sit there like passive puppies, waiting for their girl to make all the moves. This is because woman love to feel undesirable.”

“Nice Guys really don’t like themselves. Insecurity is not sexy, it is suffocating, clinging and obsessive. Issues with nice men are unbearable. Issues with jerks are workable.”

Okay, okay, maybe some of these are a bit harsh. But check out the list and see for yourself who you side with.