Leave your own overheard convos in the comments.]

“I got straight A’s this semester. Well, and I gotta pee.”

“What?”

“I gotta pee. You gotta pee too.”

“All I want for Christmas is a boy on top of me.”

“Grandma, you need to know this stuff! Otherwise you’ll get roofied!”

“Well, it sounds exciting! I’d rather get roofied than… I don’t know, doofied.”

“This is a cute naked girl. She looks like you.”

“Yeah, Mom, isn’t it a nice Christmas card?”

“Didn’t your friends send you naked girls for your birthday, too?”

“… Yeah.”

“Honey, are you bisexual?”

“Mom!”

“How about that sultry duet with the dark-voiced date rapist trying to convince his sloshed female companion to stay in because it’s cold outside?”

“You mean ‘Let It Snow’?”

“Tommy’s very bright for his age. Four years old, he’s reading already, he’s doing very well in pre-school, smarter than most of the other kids in the class – Tommy, get that motorcycle out of your mouth!”

“Greatest movie ever made? Top Gun. No question.”

“Really? Isn’t it all just homoerotic beach volleyball scenes?”

“Well… yeah. That’s what it is, if that’s what you want it to be.”

“I don’t understand this Christmas card. Why did you just draw… a black man under some mistletoe?”