Until one day, I got a very strange call from One Night Stand guy. It went like this:

One Night Stand guy: Hey Jessica, how are you?

Me: Fine, busy. How are you?

ONSG: Um, I’m okay. Hey, have you ever been in a porn?

Me: Excuse me?

ONSG: It’s just, well, I was looking at some porn on the internet and I’m pretty sure that you are in one.

Me: (After about ten seconds) Are you sure?

ONSG: Well, she looks a lot like you, um, naked.

My mind started racing, trying to go back to every guy I’ve ever slept with and who would be the most likely to film us having sex without my knowledge. I couldn’t think of anyone, so I called my friend and asked if her guy friend was a creepy weirdo who liked to lie about things like this and not only did she say that he was generally a normal guy, but she had watched the video too and seemed to think that it was me as well.

One Night Stand Guy sent me the link and I watched it with horror as someone who looked remarkably like me got doubly penetrated.

I’d never seen the two guys in my life, and I could tell that the human pincushion on the computer wasn’t me, but I was still weirded out. She looked enough like me to confuse one of my best friends and a guy I’d slept with.

I was glad that I wasn’t the star of that video, but I still felt uneasy. What if I had been videotaped without my knowledge? Or if someone took naked pictures of me while I was drunk or sleeping?

And so I Googled my name and the words “sex tape” and “naked”, and of course found nothing (because the guy would have to really have it out for me to post naked pictures of me with my full name). No, more likely if things like that did exist, and I have no rational reason to think that they do, they would most likely be a part of someone’s personal collection.

Years later, though, I still do a sporadic google check just to make sure that nothing has surfaced and thus far I’ve been lucky. I did let my boyfriend take one or two naked pictures (boobs only) of me that I erased from his camera and the computer almost as soon as they were taken. It makes me uncomfortable to have something so intimate be out of my control. Some people get off on being on such public display, but this whole mishap has made me realize that I’m just not one of them.

Now, sometimes, you don’t know you’re dating a douche until it’s too late. Maybe he’s awesome in the beginning, opening doors for you and being all polite and totally charming your parents, but then one day he decides to not only sleep with your best friend, but do it in your bed!

Sometimes, that sort of thing is hard to see coming.

Except when your guy looks the part.

See, if you start dating a guy who looks like he should be a total douche, but hasn’t yet shown the signs of real douchyism, chances are his true colors are going to be coming out pretty soon.

Nobody with oily hair, a body shaped by beer, couches, and pot, stupid fashion sense, and a monosyllabic speech pattern is going to turn out awesome in the end. You may think you can change this douche’s ways, get him on the fast track to a job and maybe the treadmill, but believe me—douchiness is almost impossible to stamp out.

Which is why I have no sympathy for Lindsay Lohan and her newest “scandal”. Apparently, her boyfriend for two minutes, Riley Giles (who she met in rehab. Cool!) is shopping around “personal photos” he took of her while they were dating. Obviously, those pics show LaLohan in all stages of “undress”, and are going to seriously tarnish her sweet, virginal image.

Well, okay. Chances are they’ll do nothing but prove what most of us already think, but still, who wants homemade nakey pictures of them sold to cheap tabloids?

Anyway, this whole “ex-boyfriend selling personal pictures for loads of cash” might come as a surprise to Lohan, but not to me. The second my gossip-blog hungry eyes saw the souvenir Lindsay was bringing home from rehab, I was certain of two things: A) this would not last long and B) he was a total douche.

Not only did he look the part, but after reports surfaced over the Thanksgiving holiday that he was out partying and pouting instead of spending time with his super hot, super famous girlfriend, he seemed to be the ultimate embodiment of all things douchetastic. Maybe being Lindsay Lohan’s boyfriend isn’t easy (I actually imagine it would be pretty frightening), but the least the guy could do was be thankful that he was dating a girl fifty times out of his league.

Knowing Lindsay, she’s probably bounced back and right into the waiting arms of another drama-loving dude, but until she learns that “once a douche, always a douche” is just a rule of life, she should keep those naked picture sessions to a minimal.

…or at least install some good lighting.