We heard him say…he’s the voice of our generation?

New ladies are taking the reigns tonight on SNL.

Mariah wears holiday lingerie on her own.

Lindsay still likes dudes, and wants Sam to be okay with that.

Angelina giving up acting?

So hot right now: zipper booties!l

Will Spencer please STFU?!

Un-effable names for dudes.

I realize you’re attached to your name. TLC stands for the ‘The Learning Channel’ and you take a certain amount of pride in the fact that you’re really trying to teach your viewers something about the world. Please don’t get me wrong, I’ve learned a lot from you guys.

For example ‘What Not To Wear‘ taught me exactly why people looked at me funny when I rocked my red-tee-tucked-into-my-red-sweatpants look for two years. You helped me get out of that phase and I appreciate you for that. Additionally, all your programming about sex that involves heavy use of x-ray footage of coitus allowed me to realize just how disgusting human anatomy can be and gave me a bunch of great facts to drop at the bar.

But let’s be real for a minute. There’s someone working for your organization who isn’t doing his job. You know who I’m talking about. Steve, the guy who’s been naming all your documentaries. He’s phoning that sh*t in and you know it. Now, I know he’s your wife’s cousin and he’s going through a rough patch right now, but it’s time to cut that guy loose.

I can imagine your meetings now:

TLC Managing Director of Content : Alright Steve, we’ve got a piece about a guy who does steroids and has a terrible addiction to them and his arms explode. Need something edgy. Something to really grab that audience.

Steve: THE MAN WHO’S ARMS EXPLODED.

TLC Managing Director of Content: You just…you just took what I described and put it into one sentence.

Steve : The man who’s arms ‘sploded‘ ?

TLC Managing Director of Content: …Alright. Let’s do the first one.

This is probably how it goes down. Am I right? Stop me if I’m wrong but I’m not sure how else you come up with stunners like “The Boy With A New Head” and “The Boy With Frozen Bones.”

Here, I’ve got some ideas for you (just send me a check later). One about a kid who has diabetes called “The Boy With The Sugar Imbalance,’ and maybe one about someone who died skydiving called “Jumped Out Of A Plane And Died.”

Also, please run “Bringing Home Baby,” more because I can’t afford TiVo and I keep missing it.

Love,

Conan