I knew it. My reasoning, initially, was that there is NO WAY that she wouldn’t be the most selfish mother on the planet earth. I figured, she’ll pop out two super demons and quickly drop them off with some nanny named Maria that she can holler at in Spanish on how to raise her children, while she exercises her famous ass off on the Stairstepper and gets back to taking over the world… one floppy umbrella hat at a time.

Oh no, instead she has decided to breed a new set of materialistic, cashmere wrapped, $169 dollar onesie wearing, BABIES. I understand that money is all “perspective” but for Gods sake, what happens when they spit up on their cashmere blankie? Does it become a dish towel, or toilet paper??

The babies don’t know the difference, the parents do. Therefore, J.Lo’s ridiculous spending is just validation that she has an irrational case of diva behavior. Even Beyonce would be impressed by this.

Let’s give you the run down:

-Changing table $1,780….for something that will have shit on it. every. single. day.

-Cashmere cardigan, hat and booties $279

-Two Chelsea Sleigh Cribs $1,390

and a $1,290…..DIAPER BAG. WHAT?! For diapers? That I’m sure J.Lo won’t even tote (but her assistant will).

At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if caviar was the first “solid” Jenny From The Block gives her kids.

…Welcome to the world you lucky little shits.

And every once in a while, I let the kid stay up past his bedtime, because, I mean, making them go to sleep when the sun is still up is just wrong.

I may not be an angel of perfection when it comes to taking care of other people’s kids, but at least I don’t get them stoned.

Earlier this month, a 15-year-old Florida girl was arrested and charged with felony child abuse after smoking a joint around the little kid she was babysitting—and posting a picture of it on MySpace.

The girl (who’s name is being withheld by authorities because of her age and massive stupidity) was charged as a juvenile and released into her parents care after the arrest, but the possibility that the state attorney’s office will charge her as an adult later is quite high (haha. Get it?).

While I’m completely amazed that anyone in their right mind would think smoking weed around a little kid is okay, I can’t even fathom the idea of doing something like that and then posting it as your profile picture on MySpace!

Perhaps those anti-pot commercials could use her as a spokesperson? “Weed makes me so dumb, I think taking pictures of myself doing it and posting it online is cool”.

On second thought, that kind of stupidity is definitely the sort of thing you’re born with.

You get The Nanny Diaries.

Apparently, Scarlett Johansson’s new movie is not just bad, but super bad (and not in that funny, quirky movie of the same title way). Critics everywhere are devouring it and spitting it back out, leaving only the incorporable Laura Linney unscathed. They say she does a good job being a rich bitch.

Everyone else? Horrible.

ScarJo included. Critics picked apart everything from her “leaden screen presence” to her “flustered mannerisms that smack of one too many Woody Allen projects” (seriously, the guy loves her. It’s weird).

As someone who hasn’t been able to believe Ms. Johansson in almost anything she’s done since Lost in Translation, I can’t say I’m surprised.

She’s hot, I’ll give her that, but I’m not sure a family comedy is her forte. I’m not even sure comedy is her forte. She smolders, sure. But she doesn’t pop. Or make me laugh. Ever.

Plus, even though the book was a bestseller, it certainly wasn’t literary gold. You can’t just cut up a beach read and put it on the screen, especially when you’re dealing with issues like class, money, and absentee parenting.

Of course, the big issue The Nanny Diaries might be dealing with is the beautification of an often thankless, ridiculous job. Very rarely does a girl find comic relief in the awfulness of people who have too much money, a boyfriend in the same building, or satisfying, happy ending.

Believe me, I nannied in this city for years, and it was quite the opposite of pretty.

I grew up watching the Nanny. Chances are you did too. I babysat during high school and was a nanny during college. And a lot of you probably did the same thing. As women we have always been shoe-ins for the child care field. I always knew that if all other job prospects failed in the city, I could be nanny even though I despised the idea. Now, thanks to the rise of the manny, that occupational field is hard to break into as well.

The concept of the manny was recently made popular by first time author/billionaires daughter/Upper

East Side mommylite Holly Peterson with her novel, The Manny. The book is based on Peterson’s own experiences with her 19 year-old manny John “Sunshine” Margaritis; whom she hired to help her son break through his tantrums as well as to take care for all three of her children.

After reading the article in Vogue, I didn’t really have a problem with Peterson and her manny. She hired him for a legit reason (her son) and the article was interesting and down to earth. It was the nine thousand other articles (she has received press in almost every major newspaper and magazine—including The New Yorker) that started to piss me off.

Every review is incredibly lengthy and only praises Peterson, the novel and the concept of the manny. Maybe it’s her money or social status that provided some sort of sway. I mean, REALLY, it’s Chick Lit, not the next great American novel. It’s as if having an affair with the nanny (or manny) is a new concept. Doesn’t ANYONE remember the 1996 movie The Babysitter’s Seduction with Kerri Russell. And what about The Nanny? Fran and Mr. Sheffield end up together. I mean come on, people. Doing it with the babysitter is old news.

So, why the undue press for Peterson and her manny? It could be that she is rich and has a well known name among the Manhattan upper crust. This certainly attributes to the fact that she had enough money to fund and film this ridiculous short parody promoting her book. She also had enough socialite friends (The Tinz makes an appearance), a cousin director AND the use of her fathers ten room apartment for the two weeks it took to film the short spoof.

So good work, John. You hunky surfer dude/tshirt “designer”/manny. You were so smart to become a man nanny. Not only are you probably making upwards of 100K a year but you’ve also single handedly robbed the ladies of their natural right to monopolize the child care industry. You have become the poster child for mannies everywhere despite the “grief” you first received from your friends. Fortunately for John, “now that they [his friends] see how much fun I have and stuff and they’re behind desks or doing what they’re doing. I get to hang out all day with kids and I love it, so it’s cool.”

It really is so cool and stuff Sunshine. Really.