OK, let’s get the best part of the show out of the way early, shall we? Blair pushed Rachel Zoe down, a fondue chocolate bowl fell on her head, and she said, “I die” in that deranged elf voice.  And I trembled with glee. It was BANANAS. Not to mention, that was probably enough calories for Zoe for the week!

Moving on.

When the leaves turn, it’s time for Blair’s birthday, a shiz-ton of scheming, and an ending make-out scene that had me staring at the TV screen in a mix of delight (“FINALLY!”) and horror (“there are middle schoolers watchign this!”). That’s right, Chuck and Blair pull out the sauce….on the piano.  In the words of everyone’s favorite housekeeper, “Happy Birthday Meeeez Blair!”

Could you handle it?  I couldn’t.  I screamed. I jumped up. I couldn’t even swallow amidst all that hair pulling, panty ripping and aggressive kissing, which wouldn’t be a big deal had I not just took a giant swig of extra hot chocolate. Yeah, burn. Literally (Rachel Zoe voice).

It’s a good thing that happened, though, because last night’s ep needed something to redeem it. Then again, I’ve come to learn that Gossip Girl‘s creators always have a knack for ending a craptastic episode with something so great I can’t help but count down the seconds until the next week.

But that (and the whole “don’t drink hot cocoa while watching GG” thing) is not the only thing I learned from this week’s Gossip Girl. So, ladies and gents, let’s see what other wisdom Gossip Girl imparted on us all. Think of me as your just-as-sexy-as-Collin professor and pay attention: Read More »

"I am being an evil biznatch because I still love you and am too proud to admit it."

I was way excited to dig into this week’s Gossip Girl.  Did Juliet finally get Botox and a new wardrobe so she could at least appear five years younger?  Is that french fairy, Eva, going to touch Chuck with her magic wand?  Is Dan going to get the sensation of baby poop out of his nostrils?  How can Eva tell time through all that Cartier sparkly?  Will Serena die refreshing the pages of Gossip Girl?

We have all the answers right here, in your favorite GG recap.

Along with the juicy deets, I thought I would shake things up a little bit (rawr, I’m scandolous.)  Today, in the fashion of Joan Rivers after every. single. award show, I’m breaking down last night’s episode to Bests and Worsts. Because any fan of Gossip Girl knows that as soon as something starts looking great for someone on the UES (or, these days, UWS), it’s not long before it takes a turn for the way, way worse.  Charles Dickens said it himself, people: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” Read More »

There are three things in life that I don’t buy:

1. Bumpits
2. Heels that are taller than 4 inches
3. Lily van der Woodsen’s stupid story about being sick and needing a doctor and the only one that she could find was her sexy, rich ex husband even though she lives in New York City, where some of the best doctors in the world reside.

Oh, and thongs. I don’t buy thongs either.

Let’s just reflect. Lily gets cancer, doesn’t tell her husband, runs into the arms of her ex-husband and stays in a hotel with him “getting treatment” for months at a time, all the while lying to her waffle-making house-husband back home. Then this miracle doctor follows them back to New York where he comes up with some convoluted story about how he was absent for 14 years and then couldn’t see Serena because he was dealing with doctor-patient confidentiality with her mother? Read More »

See? Weird.

Talk about the British Invasion.

Yesterday, this post on Jezebel pointed me towards this utterly, utterly ridiculous Times of London article that claims college-bound British ladies are increasingly enrolling in American universities—primarily to meet “Ivy League educated males.”

The article is crazy enough that it blames “hit shows such as Gossip Girl, The OC, Dawson’s Creek and even Twilight”—yes, that noted television program, Twilight—for the pseudo-phenomenon it’s investigating. Author Luisa Metcalfe also cites Ivy League hotties including Barack Obama, Jake Gyllenhaal (both of whom went to Columbia. I’m just saying), and “aspiring Dartford College student Dan Humphrey” as bait for English girls.

I repeat: Dartford College. Never mind that Gossip Girl’s Dan actually ended up going to NYU, or that he originally wanted to go to Yale, not “Dartford”—Metcalfe actually writes the word “Dartmouth” just three paragraphs after she initially mangles the name of the beer-happy New Hampshire Ivy, so how did the term Dartford even make it into the final version of this article? Don’t they have copy editors across the pond?

And even if this article is right and female Brits are really applying to American universities just so that they can meet guys with argyle sweaters and perfect teeth—not, you know, because they want to get a good education at a top school—I have to speak up. Read More »

Just when you think everything is fine on the Upper East Side those Archibalds toss some dude in the water and really throw you for a loop. And, of course, Vanessa is there to capture the entire thing on tape.

Scandalous!

Last night’s Gossip Girl was full of all sorts of scandal. From the twisted, convoluted and sorta hard to follow situation behind Tripp Vanderbilt’s campaign (really? His wife somehow orchestrated that whole thing??) to Blair’s new super-old-looking-call-girl of a BFF, it was a roller coaster of an episode.

But let’s start at the core of it all: Blair and Serena’s waning friendship. While these two are far hotter/richer/better dressers than I could ever be, I really connected to their situation. I’ve been there and I know what it’s like to be on the outs with a very old friend. On the one hand, you wanna make up and move on out of respect for your long history together. But on the other, who you are at 18-years-old is not who you were at 12 and maybe the new people you’ve both become weren’t meant to be friends.

So what do you do? Read More »

That shapeless "dress" is what you get for lying to Dan!

I think we can all agree that it’s not nearly as fun watching Vanessa Abrams be a bitch as it is watching Blair Waldorf.  Mostly because Blair doesn’t normally get bogged down by remorse…at least not right away.

In an episode all about playing games, some people just didn’t know when to stop.  Take Vanessa being even more of a home-wrecker than usual.  As I watched her almost mess up the blossoming love between Dan and Olivia, all I could think about was how the dress that the wardrobe people put her in at the end of the episode was obviously punishment for her being selfish.  And my next thought: when did giving a speech at a Parents’ Weekend dinner become so damn important?

But as Vanessa, Blair, (and Olivia, though unbeknownst to her) battled it out for the right to stand atop the flowery podium at Parents’ Weekend, we saw too many claws come out. Perfectly manicured claws, mind you, but sharp claws nonetheless. Yeah, Vanessa can get off the hook quickly for what she almost did to Dan and Olivia – those Humphrey’s are incredibly forgiving people – but I can’t say the same for Blair and Chuck. Make him kiss a guy (which, by the way, was incredibly hot)? Fine. But lie to him and manipulate him to get what you want?

No one manipulates Chuck Bass. Not even Blair.

And the same goes for Serena, which Nate Archibald may find out the hard way. Before I get into this little Rounders-meets-Gossip-Girl storyline, I’d like to take a moment to welcome Nate back to the show. For the past 5 episodes he’s taken a backseat with Bree Buckley and we haven’t seen much of his cuteness. I know he wasn’t pregenant/post pregnant like Lily Bass, so I wonder what was keeping him from the screen? Meh, it doesn’t matter; he’s back….and falling in line with the family once again. Read More »

Serena Van der Woodsen is back in the tabloids, Blair and Chuck are still smooching, and Nate’s dating the family enemy?

Sounds like we’re setting up for a season full of OMFG!

In case you’ve just begun watching (in which case you have got to go back and rent the first two seasons so you don’t miss out on a crucial aspect of pop culture), here’s a quick rundown of life on the Upper East Side to catch you up: Summer in the Hamptons is over and the Humphrey family has moved from their loft in Brooklyn to the Lily Van der Woodsen palace of luxury. Serena has just returned from a summer of trying to get her father’s attention, a feat that apparently is only possible by showing her face (and her chest) in every magazine east of New York City. After a summer spent sexing the gorgeous Carter Basin and trying to find Daddy Dearest, Serena is back in New York keeping more secrets and trying to keep Carter from spilling the beans.

Of course, the game where Chuck pretends to cheat on Blair with some blonde bimbo scared us all sh*tless. After last season’s cry-worthy finale, no one is ready for Chuck Bass to return to his bad boy ways. While we all get a kick out of Blair putting a dumb blonde in her place, soon the games end and when the former playboy starts using phrases like “I’m not Chuck Bass without you” and “Let’s stay in tonight.” It’s impossible not to swoon. I know I’m not the only one hoping that two totally messed up people can make love work out in the real world.

Storyline I’m most looking forward to for this season: Dan and Lily’s supposedly dead son is in New York, in possession of his birth certificate, and biding his time until he reveals his true identity. Meanwhile, he’s spending his time cozying up to Vanessa, who is never going to forgive this boy when she finds out that he is Dan Humphrey’s half brother. I mean, can the girl get any more tangled in that family’s drama? Read More »

"I'm sorry I tried to ruin your life to get onto Page 6"

After a two-week hiatus (WTF, CW?) Gossip Girl returned last night. I don’t know if I can handle any more breaks, but OMG, was it worth the wait!  As the weather changes outside, so are our friends from the Upper East Side.

First, let me start by saying how happy I was to see Cyrus again!  That little bald nugget of a stepdad is one of those gems (like Dorota) that make Gossip Girl sparkle.  Especially since Dorota was off falling in love and Vanessa was MIA, too!   She finally gets a good storyline, AND a backbone, and suddenly she’s nowhere to be seen. Was that delicious plotline with her and Chuck just a tease? WAS IT?

And with Rufus deciding to close down the art gallery, where is she gonna brew her coffee? What on earth is going to happen to V?

Also, can I just say that I am secretly really happy that the economy is affecting GG, though a bit peeved that it was the Humphrey’s that got crapped on. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of wealthy people out there who were hit hard in this recession, so why is it the “poor” Brooklyn family that gets it? And, being that they are in a bit of financial ruin, why would Rufus care about Dan getting a job? And why doesn’t my dad feel that way? But secretly Dan did get a job, and how cute did he look in that uniform?  Presh. Read More »

Welcome freakin’ back, Gossip Girl! I officially screamed at my television last night. Bring on the juicy.

Let me say this: I continue to have a bitter distaste for Dan, and Chuck remains (by far) my total fave. AND Lily gained some cool points tonight too. If you missed it, stop reading now, turn on your DVR, and watch. And if you watched, feel free to comment on your favorite part of last night’s stellar ep.

The show started with the usual Yale bullsh*t. Blah blah blah, aren’t they in yet, already? No, they aren’t. And there’s a certain new, young, hot teacher who is going to rock everyone’s world. Anybody else think it’s weird that Serena instantly becomes her new Shakespeare teacher’s bff? I mean, I had teachers I was tight with, but not to this degree. And, a note to Ms. Carr, never tell your students it’s your first salaried gig. That’s just asking for it.

As the Yale-shizz unravels, Serena laments to Dan that she is afraid that she’ll get into Yale, and Blair won’t. Presumptuous? Or foreshadowing?

This week’s weekly party is the opera gala. Seriously? That’s not nearly as exciting as the white party. But I suppose it’ll do, since Jack has already thrown Chuck’s dead father into the mix. We all know that Chuck was had by Jack last week, but is he going to take that? Hell. No.  And you gotta love Lily in this ep for making it happen. Read More »

Well, technically, just because Dan and Serena share a sibling, it doesn’t mean that they share DNA. But the true winning line from tonight’s GG episode, “Share me those expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait ’til you get Botox,” was too long to fit in this column’s title.

The mysterious half-brother brought the cast on quite the roller-coaster this week, and it seems that Gossip Girl has achieved Mafia status, as she has the power to order a “hit” on Dan Humphrey. Instead of sleeping with the fishes, however, Dan merely has to deal with the humiliation of the entire school learning about his hankering for tuna. Meh.

As usual, the Bass family stole the show tonight, and Uncle Jack is truly an evil, despicable human being. Since Blair’s had a change of heart, what with coddling the grieving Chuckster and all, we need a new villain that we absolutely love to hate, and Jack sure makes a splash after, what? Two episodes?

Not only does Old Man River have a giant boner for the totally illegal Blair (everyone who commented on the ‘New Years’ references last week wins ten points), but he’s also lusting for a stake in Bass Enterprises, which, much to everyone’s surprise, has just been left to Chuck Bass. What? These minors can drink their faces off, ride around in limos, globetrot for the weekend, but they can’t run billion-dollar companies? Read More »